My dad always made it clear that he loved me. So, in logic which I applied then and this question here, it’s possible for me to be loved, even if it’s through bloodline default. It’s still real. When I lived in group homes, I really felt alone and pissed, mostly. But because of my dad’s love, I came to convince myself that people everywhere just weren’t good enough for me. I never showed it to anyone, but I sure did believe it. (I often still do, shitty thing to admit I know)
I’m pretty sure that wasn’t my dad’s intent, but it did help me in some ways I think, because not having a secret superiority complex may have made way for darker things. Believe it or not, I’m extremely sensitive. I’d be an emo if I wasn’t goth. I just don’t show anything lol.
I don’t know if I changed or not, maybe a little. I do realize that, when met with negativity, disapproval and discontentment towards my person, that mentality remains. Except now I don’t believe it. Can’t convince myself as I once did. Especially not when you get to know people, whether you love or hate one another, and discover that they’re all as deep, complex and as fucked up as you are.
I guess, so far, this is the impact that this has had.
But in regards to your question, this means that I do think I can be loved. I had a nice relationship for a while, and my friends think I’m pretty cool lol.
I never thought that I could not be loved, but I’m also not a very likable person, so it may have taken a while to get used to that. But now I know that even if a lot of people don’t like me, they’re all strangers anyways. My friends would tell you otherwise, and so would my dad and my grandmother. My problem was concentrating on the bad way more than the good, which outweighs the bad. Not saying it’s perfect now, but I certainly hope I’m a little wiser than the last day.
And @wundayatta I know you said you’re not looking for any advice, but I can’t help myself; I’ve worked on this for a few years now, and I think I’ve come out of it, and then I fall back in. I thought I’d come to believe I was lovable, and then something happens, and it stops. I don’t even know what happens. It seems random.
I’m not gonna ask for details. But I get the sense that you think some of these people loved you, when they never actually did. And maybe you did do or say something that broke the love they had for you. But even so, they did love you at one time. Better to lose love than to never have had it in the first place, or whatever that quote is, right? And anyways, you also said this…
In my life, this makes me distrust people who say anything nice about me, or who love me. This is bad, of course, because then the people who really do love me believe I don’t trust them. That makes it hard for a relationship.
So, people do love you. :) I’ll stop butting in lol, but as I say I couldn’t help myself. I hope I made sense somewhere lol.