How to handle a family member with poor social skills?

@mostlyclueless I would suggest approaching her in a scoentific factual way about the job situation, and it might help her in other circumstances. Maybe tell her you just read a great book on interviewing, some of the tricks, and what employers look for, and you know she is struggling finding a job. This way you are not insulting her social skills, but stating it more like it is learning a skill. Even people with great social skills look for interviewing tips.

Perhaps you will need to modify how you communicate to her, and keep conversations to a single topic. If you sense that things are getting agitated or muddled, back off. Shorter, more frequent conversations may work best.

Spend more time with her, not less, until you become innured to her… “problems.”

Talk to your sister about her mannerisms that make it uncomfortable talking to her. Perhaps she can make an effort to correct them

Urge her to seek a diagnosis as just knowing that she had Asperger’s would enable her to deal with it straight on.

Consider writing or emailing her to keep in touch more often. Practice being patient and kind and loving when you deal with her.

Perhaps emphasize to her that communication is about feelings and very little about thought. Tell her to listen for when someone is trying to say something positive to her, acknowledge it, and say something positive back.

Explain to her that if she gets an interview, it is not a quiz, they already like her credentials. They want to see if they can get along with her.

Tell her that kindness is about her wanting to do the right thing, so that she can feel good about herself. She needs to develop empathy instead. She needs to take a moment, with every person she is speaking too, and imagine what is going on in their head, rather than what they are saying so much.

If she does have aspergers, there are support groups and places where they can get training in how to socialize more effectively. That could help her get a job, too, so she might be quite motivated to get that kind of assistance.

First off, there are millions of people out there who have had a hard time finding a job after over a year. I seriously doubt all of them are Aspies since we make up far less than 1% of the population, and females make up only a small minority of that. (Estimates vary, but most figures I’ve seen indicate that female Aspies are less than 0.01% of the population.)

The problem here is that it’s hard to tell an Aspie from an asshole, and self-diagnosis is unreliable at best. Trust me, there is far more to the whole ASD thing than just a lack of social skills too. I know quite a few neurotypical people with poor social skills too, so it would help if there was an actual diagnosis from a medical specialist. AS is tricky enough to differentiate from other things, especially given the fact that AS shares symptoms with some other disorders and has a high comorbidity with others, and like any other mental health issue, it’s something you really need a specialist for.

Let us stipulate for the sake of discussion that she is an Aspie. We can be (and often are) a bit of a handful to deal with, but the only way we can ever learn to deal with people is to actually deal with us. It’s a dirty, thankless job, but somebody has to do it, and who better than someone who actually cares, like a sibling?

As for how to go about it, patience is the key. Just ask my wife how patient she has to be with me much of the time :D

Seriously though, since each Aspie has their own ways of manifesting, specific advice is nearly impossible to give so I won’t try. The common elements of all the solutions are patience and perseverance though.

Here is something that should make you feel a bit better though. You claim spending time with her is awkward and draining. Now, imagine if you had that same feeling to EVERYBODY you deal with in your life, even the checkout guy at the supermarket. Compared to that, you have it easy, and you should feel very privileged that she actually wants to spend time with you.

@jerv, thanks for your answer. I still don’t know what to do about this, though. I dread talking to her, and she keeps asking if she can come visit me, and I absolutely cannot put up with hosting her for days in a row. About an hour is all I can handle.

I am so frustrated with myself, and I hate myself for feeling this way, and I really have no idea what I can possibly do differently.

@wundayatta, I fear that she is so sensitive about the issue that if I bring it up, she’ll just feel embarrassed. If she came to me about the job thing that would be my advice to her for sure, but until/unless she says something I can’t exactly say to her, “Hey, talking to you drives me nuts! Get some help already!”

@mostlyclueless Wait, why does she drive you nuts? What exactly is so draining about it. Are your parents still alive? Why was she never evaluated?

@JLeslie, it’s really hard to explain. You know how the natural flow of a conversation tends to involve both people talking about something they know about, or maybe one person telling a story? With her, she tends to talk about things the other person has no knowledge of, for instance, she’ll talk for 30 minutes about the details of a science fiction novel she once read. As she does it she’ll make jokes that the other person can’t possibly get, having not read the book, and laugh very hard. It’s really hard to try to follow and makes the listener uncomfortable.

But that’s really just one example. She just doesn’t have normal responses to anything. If I mention a breakup with a boyfriend, she doesn’t ask what happened, just moves right on past it; if I tell her this summer isn’t a great time to visit because of my work schedule, she says, “oh, then I’ll just crash on your couch for a couple nights”; if I mention a problem I’m working through at work, she tells me what I should be doing about it (even when it’s something she has no experience with and doesn’t understand). Each thing on its own isn’t a big deal, but put together, conversations with her are painfully frustrating.

Our parents are alive but they’re useless. They’re incompetent, negligent people, which I guess answers your last question.

You’d totally hate me then!

@mostlyclueless My father is similar, probably not as extreme. I think some of it is that his parents were fairly incomptetent, mentally absent, and mental illness. He did not learn great social skills, because he had no example at home. I think his is much more environment related than genetics. Since he worked with scientists in his career, it was not a big deal, because they are so analytical, less emotional (at work) and are there to dissect problems. I would bet that at least 50% of scientists meet at least some of the auspberger’s criteria, but not necessarily enough to be diagnosed with the syndrome/disorder (not sure what the correct word is?). My father, being very intelligent, male, and living in a big city, was able to get away from the home environment, he started college by the age of 16 and had always interacted with many people from school. The outside influences at a young age saved him probably.

@JLeslie No “u” or “b”; Aspergers. And it’s entirely possible as many of us gravitate towards jobs involving hard facts and analysis like scientist, mathematician, IT, or manufacturing.

Part (most?) of why I am relatively well adjusted is that I was fortunate enough to be in a school system that knew something was wrong with me but not what (AS wasn’t an officially recognized diagnosis until I had already graduated), guessed correctly about how to help me, and I wound up with Social Adaptive tutoring when other kids got study halls. As a result, I can pass for merely eccentric rather than freakishly odd.

As an adult, it’s trickier since our personalities are already established and thus harder to change. One thing that won’t change is an inherent difficulty realizing that others don’t know all that we do. For instance, I get frustrated by people who don’t know the difference between WEP and WPA2, as I still assume that people know at least ¼ of what I do. That can be worked on but never truly eliminated.

We also often have a different sense of time, possibly due to a mix of ADD/ADHD and OCD. To me, many conversations move in slow motion as I wait for them to either get to the point or say something I actually care to listen to. I bore easily. That is unless I am talking about something I enjoy, in which case time stands still and I can cram an entire textbook worth of talking into what feels to me like two minutes.

As for how you can handle it, out might help to look at things from her perspective. Even I managed to learn how to do that (at least to a limited extent) so you should be able to figure it out. I find that once I understand how a person is, why, and such, they are much easier to deal with.

Also bear in mind that there is often a difference between what you say and what she hears; she is merely trying to translate and make sure you are on the same page.

@jerv It does describe my father to some extent. He “bores” with what he would refer to as trivial conversation, and we tell him he is too smart for his own good. That other people feel overwhelmed by him, because he has so much information on certain tpoics and is always looking for higher level conversations, and it seems he can not perceive when they are trying to change topic or are giving clues they don’t care or feel uncomfortable. He needs to be told directly to stop, and even then he is not sure what exactly stop means necessarily. He is an emotional man though, and cares very very much about having personal relationships, and is distraught his behavior might negatively impact them.

I would think for women it is even tougher in some ways, because of societies expectation for women to care about girly things like make-up and romantic movies. Some of the behavior is very male that the OP mentions She just doesn’t have normal responses to anything. If I mention a breakup with a boyfriend, she doesn’t ask what happened, just moves right on past it When they are with other women that response is probably extremely odd. Men, might just move on to the next topic and be ok.

@mostlyclueless It seems to me your sister might want to be closer with you, just guessing from what you wrote, and you keep the distance, is that right? I think possibly you can consider that your frustration with her is too fold. She has a deficit in understanding what is social norms, and you are more affected or sensistive to this type of behavior. I think you both could possibly do better if you want to have a better relationship. It appears you do care about her and about helping her. Maybe you could start with that. Tell her you want to be closer, tell her what upsets you, with out accusing her, but explaining your own emotional needs, tell her you are worried about her unemployed status, and now how tough it is in this job market, maybe you can help. She probably absorbs information important to her like a sponge.

@JLeslie I cannot help but see the irony that the gender that is more likely to just move on to the next topic is also about four times more likely to have an affliction that makes the sufferer oblivious.

@jerv Explain that further please. I feel like you are agreeing with me.

@mostlyclueless Hello! I’m @jerv‘s wife. Although I thought he, @marinelife and @JLeslie had excellent advice, I thought I should throw my two cents in.

First off, let me say that I think it’s wonderful that your sister is reaching out to you. It means she really values your company and your relationship. She’s trying very hard to bring you into her world and I think there is definitely a place where you two can meet halfway, where she can feel like a part of your life and where you don’t feel emotionally drained (And no, it doesn’t make you a monster to feel drained by spending time with your sister. You’re trying to find a solution. A monster would not bother).

My experiences has taught me that Aspies often don’t recognize those subtle social cues or not-so-subtle clues that others pick up on. It’s not something they easily learn, although some can be taught. You might have to explain to your sister that you don’t understand the topic she’s discussing instead of hoping that she will eventually pick up your emotional signals. Just remind her that you’re not familiar with the subject and I’m sure she’ll try to explain it further. If it’s a topic that you’re not interested in, just tell her and she will probably let it drop.

Visiting with your sister more will help you acclimate to the differences in her personality. I do understand that it can be incredibly draining and that you need some down time. What I would recommend is setting up some sort of weekly date with your sister. Something fun, like going to the movies or going out to coffee. Aspies seem to enjoy a certain amount of consistency. If she knows that she’ll be seeing you on Friday, it will make her feel more at ease Just a hunch but she might be telling you every single thought in her head, because she doesn’t know when she’s going to see you again. Every time you visit with each other , it will become easier for both of you. Email is another excellent tool to keep in touch without draining your emotional reserves.

My final recommendation is to do a little research on your own about Asperger’s Syndrome. I suggest reading some Temple Grandin as I found her books to be very informative and enlightening. Also, check out some of the support groups in your area. Meetup.com might be a good place to begin. There are some wonderful resources out there and I’m sure your sister would be interested as well.

Phew, OK, I’m done now…didn’t realize throwing my two cents in would take so long…still, I feel like I’ve forgotten something….

@Raven_Rising you are @jerv‘s wife? I didn’t know you are on here. We see him all the time, nice to see you.

@JLeslie Good to meet you too! Yeah, I’m not nearly as vocal as @jerv is. Ages ago, I was on AB until they completely soured me on Q&A sites. I’m finally getting back into the groove though :)

@Raven_Rising Your answer was great. My dad tries desperately to get everything in his head out when he can be heard, because people get overwhelmed by him, it’s a viscious circle. However, my dad is not diagnosed asperger’s just has some traits I guess, falls very low on the continuum I would say.

Try reading a few books on AS. They will help you understand the reasons behind the behavioral quirks of Asperger’s. An excellent resource is Tony Attwood’s The Complete Guide to Asperger’s Syndrome. In it, Attwood notes out that for people with Asperger’s, learning to socialize properly can be like learning a foreign language. Imagine how you would feel if you were visiting a foreign country and trying to communicate with the people there, but no one seemed to understand what you’re saying. That frustration is not unlike what your sister may be experiencing when she tries to communicate with you through paraphrasing. As @jerv said, perspective-taking helps us get at the “why” behind a person’s behavior, and that knowledge can help you to view that person with greater tolerance and sympathy.

@jerv Do you feel like on fluther there is a whole community that “gets” you. No one here would ever guess you have asperger’s I don’t think.

@JLeslie My gut response is a visual

Honestly, I don’t think a person can ever really “get” a person that they only have casual, text-based communications with, so no. That said, I don’t think that the part of me I put online is any more or less “gettable” than a normal person. Trust me, having to take the time to use proper spelling and grammar also helps with the camouflage; I am notably less eloquent and somewhat less civilized in real-time, face-to-face dealings. And I am not appreciably different from most people in that what you see here is as close to the real me as a paper map in the glove box is to the real world.

Unlike another Aspie who (they feel) got chased off of Fluther, I also have the benefit of having a bit of help during my formative years (as mentioned above) plus I have a wife who isn’t afraid to spray me with a water bottle when I misbehave. She used to hit me with a rolled-up newspaper, but it got so that that was starting to turn me on. And then there is the fact that I tend to surround myself with gamers, computer geeks, and other people who mainstream America thinks are “a little off”.

While other Aspies may hide in their homes, I hide in plain sight like our tan cat on our beige rug. I am not the only intelligent person here on Fluther, nor am I the only one with a quirky sense of humor. With other genuises and smartasses around, I am a bit surprised that I stick out at all :D

@jerv But, that is what I mean, you don’t stick out here. You are among the many.

@JLeslie Whenever I misinterpret/misunderstand something I imagine that most people get (like your simple question asked in plain English), the fact that I didn’t get it right off makes me feel a little bit like an outsider though, as does the fact that I feel I have to explain myself like this more often than most people.

I feel I fit in and yet I don’t fit in… if that makes any sense.

@jerv I think you are too hard on yourself. The most fantastic thing about fluther is people ask for others to clarify. The collective tends to understand miscommunications happen.

@Raven_Rising, thanks for your helpful response. I think part of what stresses me out is that she and I live 7 hours away, so in order to spend time together in person, I have to commit to an entire weekend. Which is just way too much.

We do connect much better though text. When we exchange emails I don’t feel nearly as much anxiety and frustration. I just feel so guilty when she calls me, and the whole time I am wishing I could get off the phone and get on with my day, but I don’t want to hurt her feelings.

These were all really helpful replies. Thank you all.

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