Would it be selfish to ask my husband not to have this surgery?

Sorry. Too personal for your husband. I think that his business.
But I do not want to get in the middle of anything. I understand your question.
But… you asked.

I think you can voice your concerns and discuss them with him but that ultimately the choice must be his.

I think it’s perfectly alright to have…

edit: @janbb wrote exactly what I was starting to.

I agree with the penguin. As his wife, you should certainly express your concerns – but once he hears and acknowledges them, you have to drop it and let him decide.

And, if I were your husband, I’d not only want to hear your concerns of what may go wrong, but your dreams about what may go right. He’ll need encouragement as much as caution from you.

Best of luck with this.

If I am in your shoes and I love my husband, I wouldn’t want to lose my husband. If the risk too high which is death, I wouldn’t want him to have the surgery.

@janbb is right. I think it is okay for you to voice your concerns, and you should both discuss the pros and cons, but the final decision is his.

My cousin had a skiing accident that left him paralyzed from the chest down. I don’t know the specifics, so I can’t tell you exactly what or where. But there was an experimental treatment in a foreign country that could make him able to feel the sensation of needing to urinate. He was in his late 20’s. His father was in the position to afford this operation and went for it. I don’t know the risks, but there were some, and the fact they were going to a foreign country where they couldn’t be sure of the doctor’s, the actual surgery, etc. But the surgery was a success, so my cousin now has the sensation of needing to go to the bathroom and that gives him more control over his life. Sometimes you have to take risks to improve your life. But, I don’t know that I would be able to support something like this knowing the risks. I’m not in that position, so I can’t really know how I would feel.

I don’t think it is selfish of you to ask that of him @SuperMouse. I cannot imagine your fear and anxiety. Didn’t you just recently find love? And then the thought of losing it…I do know that feeling. It is paralyzing in and of itself. It isn’t selfish to want to protect someone.

But on the other hand; I also don’t think it is selfish of him to want to try the surgery either. It isn’t selfish to want to try something that you have hopes will expand and enhance your life and the the life of your wife and loved ones. I’m sure that is how he sees it.

It is good that you are having this discussion now and planting seeds for something good to come from it; if, and when the day arises. None of us has a promise of tomorrow. We have a chance at death with many things we do. Sometimes the fear of death is worth than death itself when it prevents us from trying to live life to the fullest. I do know how that feels too. Sometimes you have to take chances and take leaps of faith.

I wish you both centuries of love and life together and I know when and if the time comes for that reallife decision; it will be the right one. Live for today and be happy in this moment.

I probably would think of it in terms of what I would do in his position rather than how it will affect me as his wife. I tend to be afraid of surgery, so if I were you, I would be very nervous about the possible risks. My husband keeps telling me he wants liposuction, which I think is ridiculous, he looks just fine, and I think it is crazy for him to risk even something simple like that for a little couple of inches that bug him. I am afraid for him than myself. So, when I discourage him, it is because I don’t want him to have a regret. Although, recently I have said to him, “ok go see a doctor and check it out,” because he has been incredibly persisitent.

Now, lipo cannot be compared to your situation. But, I do think I would react similarly initially, just my dear for him himself, and my discussion with him about it would be rather clinical I think. The risks, the what ifs, how he will feel if his decision makes him worse or causes him pain. Later it would dawn on me I might lose him, or have more work if he is more disabled. I would try to put aside those feelings and really focus on what his inclination is. But, it is tricky, because he trusts doctors much more than I do, believes things will turn out as they should. I tend to be the opposite.

I think all you can do is make him well informed as to all the pros and cons. If he considers doing it and take the risks than I think his current situation is more than he can bear. Just make sure he’s not doing it more for you than himself. He may feel this will allow him to be the husband he thinks you need.
My husband years ago had total jaw reconstruction. I was in tears once I knew all the hazzards it entailed. Especially death. I assured him he did not need to change anything for me. I fell in love with him the way he was and he was perfect to me already. He had a really bad underbite.
He said if I asked him not to do it he wouldn’t but it has been something he had found it hard to live with and has always wanted no matter the risks. I couldn’t see standing in his way. It is his body and he needed to feel happy with it. I put myself in his shoes. If living a certain way made me sad everyday, would I want someone to stand in my way if I felt there was a good chance it could be changed? Your seeing this from your side. You love him and don’t want him to be hurt or disappointed or worse. But if he doesn’t try. Will he still be hurt and dissappointed? We never know when we are going to die. Hurt and disappointment can never be predicted nor does it define us. Its how we lived that defines us.
If he doesn’t want to do it than fine. No problem. If he does than I’m sure he would want your support.
You are by no means selfish. Your simply a loving wife whos scared to lose the man she loves.
Selfish would be if you made him do it because you wanted him to do it no matter what it costs him.

You can ask him all you like,but in the end it is his decision.

I agree with the view that the decision must be his. No doubt he will ask you what you think, and it’s fair for you to tell him.

I would add this: once he has decided, I believe he has a right to expect your full and complete support for his choice.

I can’t imagine he has a lot riding on this procedure as it is the hope he has been dreaming of since he wound up in the wheelchair, Stand by his side through this journey and don’t let the level of outcome interfere with helping your husband continue to have something to live for!

I agree with most of what’s been said. Share your fears with him, let him decide, and then support whatever decision he makes. If and when the day comes, you’ll be in it together.

Sweet holy moly, I do it believe it is selfishness to ask him to opt out of a surgery that can do more damage or death. If he died it would place you in a bad or worse situation, if he lives you will be in a worse situation, so will he. It is not like you are asking him not to go play golf or hang with his bowling buddies. The choice is his but if I were him I would weigh your thoughts on it heavily because you, I am sure, help him out quite a bit and if I were him I would not want to add to the load if it was less than 80% success rate. If it was 80% or better succeeding then it might be selfish to deny him a chance to walk maybe for 20% chance it could go wrong. To have concern over his life and safety is not selfish, you are him, and he is you.

As someone who is undergoing a (somewhat) risky surgery to improve my quality of life, I have to tell you that I probably would have done it anyway if my loved ones weren’t behind it, but would be incredibly scared and alone feeling if I knew they didn’t support my decision. I understand your view completely, though. If/when the surgery starts to become a more plausible reality, you will probably receive more information on just how risky it is (like an actual percentage for the success rate) and the two of you can use that information to come to more of an agreement.

I was thinking, I would be willing to die if what ails me brought me a lot of sadness, anxiety, depression, and guilt. I don’t know the frame of mind of your husband. I once took a medication I was very allergic too. It is the only time in my life I thought I could die. My mother-in-law slept in bed with me because my husband was out of town and I was so afraid. I really thought I might die in my sleep. I took that medicine for 10 days. 2 days after stopping I was still very symptomatic and my SIL took me to the hospital, I wanted to be better so badly. In retrospect it should have been handled differently, but, I just know how it feels to want to not be in the body you are in. I describe it as not being free, it was like a prison for me.

@JLeslie my husband is pretty incredible person and as of this point with lots of hard work and time to deal with his physical limitations, he is all in all a very happy, fulfilled man who truly enjoys his life. I would not describe him as sad or depressed by his situation. As he describes it, it really presents more of a pain in the ass then anything else. His explanation is that when he was able bodied and wanted a candy bar he could walk across the room, grab the candy bar, rip off the wrapper, and eat it. Since his injury if he wants the same candy bar he has to figure out a plan of action to get across the room, get a hold of the candy bar, somehow get the wrapper off the candy bar (his fingers don’t work very well), and get it into his mouth. It is just a whole different ballgame now that requires him to think and plan in a totally different way. He has often said that if he could go back to before his injury and change things, but it meant that he would lose all that he has learned as a result of living with a spinal cord injury, he would not even consider it. IMO, my husband is an exceptional human being.

And so is his wife.

@chyna. I was just thinking the same thing. Sounds like there are two pretty incredible people on this journey.

I agree with @Hypocrisy_Central. His decision will seriously affect you, too, so your input should weigh heavily in his decision-making process.

It sounds like you were really an amazing couple, and blessed @SuperMouse, to have found each other. It seems like his head is screwed on straight and his spirit and his heart are functioning properly.