How do you know when it is time to cut ties with your family?

You say it like it is inevitable. It’s not. So, if you have a specific question please ask it.

When the relationship with them causes more harm to you than you can bear. I was going to say when the harm it does you outweighs the good it does them, but I reconsidered. In these kinds of cases, you have to put your needs above theirs (I assume we’re talking about parents?).

Maybe when neither of you are any good for one another anymore.

When they’re completely ignorant to your happiness. IMO…. :-/

Cutting ties to someone [ family or not ] should be the last thing to do for that relationship.

One should try to salvage what they can before letting it fly.

The time is: simply when you want to cut off ties. Because if you’re maintainnig ties with someone even when you don’t want to, you are probably not getting anything positive out of the relationship. If something has happened which has made you want to cut off a family member then I’m assuming it is probably something serious and so exercise calm judgment, i.e., don’t be rash and impulsive, and cut off.

@ANef_is_Enuf, @sarahhhhh is right, carefully. Don’t make any rash or impulsive decisions because it can be very hard to mend fences later on. I would actually suggest you go and talk to someone like a counsellor, on your own if that feels right, to get some clear perspective on why you feel the way you do.

If after careful consideration you feel your family are a negative part of your life, I would not cut ties as much as keep your distance. Get on with your own life and only connect when you feel you really have to.

Ultimately it’s up to individual families & the relevant circumstances, but i’d say when all efforts at peacekeeping have broken down, then it may be time to cut ties, at least temporarily. Classic case of you can pick your friends but not your family.

When you find yourself doing things out of obligation and not affection.

When you’ve made your boundaries and needs clear to them in an adult, mature fashion and they are repeatedly disregarded.

My reacting differently to them and calling them on their behaviour was met with anger and accusations of selfishness. I thought it through and with some help, realized that they weren’t interested in changing the dynamic and I had to make a decision: At what point do I stand up to being their punching bag? And if they respond with, Shut up with that crap, nothing will change, then what would I do? Well. I spoke up for myself and it didn’t work.

Then enough definitely was enough. It was hard cutting them off, but I let them know what was happening and why. I felt guilty for a long time, because I hear through the grapevine still that I’ve “betrayed” them, but I know the truth. One day, I realized these people are adults and have the agency to change their behaviour at any time, just like me. But…

So there it is. My emotional and physical well-being is more important to me.

When they take more than they give.

What @augustlan and @aprilsimnel said. I once cut off all contact with my mother for more than a year.

I have never cut anyone off permanently, but I would if their presence was so poisonous in my life.

I thought I was going to have to cut ties with some family members, but instead I changed my interactions with them. I set my expectations very low and kept very firm boundaries with them. With low expectations, and preparation for their bad behavior, I didn’t get surprised or flinch whenever they behaved the way they would inevitably behave. With my boundaries, I set them very firm and just flat out told them NO when they wanted me to participate in their family dysfunction—or sometimes I’d just flat out lie and say that I would do or did do something they wanted.

1. Example—family member wants me to promise to keep a secret before they tell me something. I just say no. I say if they don’t want someone to know, they better not tell me. I also tell them that it may be the case that I don’t care enough about the secret to bother telling whoever they want me to keep it from. They got upset and whined, but now they either don’t tell me things OR they tell me and know the secret might come out. (It usually doesn’t because quite frankly I just don’t care enough to spread gossip, but I hate HAVING to keep a secret)

2. Example: My aunt gets really controlling and drove over and dumped tons of junk at my house that she dug up from several closets at my grandmother’s house. She did this a few hours before she left the country. She demanded that I not throw the stuff away, but I take this stuff to a specific charity that was very far away and hard to find. After she was back in Germany, she kept calling me every day to make sure I was going to the special charity. I told her I did it, and I just let my friends pick over the junk to take what they wanted and threw out the rest in the trash. Unless she’s a fluther reader, she’ll never know. And she thinks she “won” and it was no skin off my nose.

3 Low expexations: I know that my dad is going to go off and lose his temper for some lame reason. Instead of dreading it, my husband and I place bets about when and why he’ll lose his temper. If he goes off in some totally unexpected bizarre tirade, we get hot fudge sundaes and call it even. Then his annoying behavior is more of a game than an accident waiting to happen.

I never confronted them on their behavior, as they and several people in that family are so messed up that they have no clue that anything is wrong.

My friend cut ties with his stepfather when he took his 20 year old wife in a motel. My friend was abroad and he was told that the reason why his father did it was he was just “testing” how loyal his wife is to him. Needless to say, they haven’t talked for 25 years since then.

I agree it should be a last resort but if the person is toxic and causing you more harm than good – it may be time.

I spent 24 years after I realized this about my mother trying to “fix” the relationship. When I finally ended it, I was confident I’d done all I could and left the ball in her court.

It remains there to this day.

The time to sever ties is:
1. When they disrespect boundaries that you have clearly outlined
2. When they continue to hurt you emotionally
3. When they continuously make light of things that you take very seriously
4. When you feel like your emotional health would benefit from severing ties

(((HUGS))) to you honey. I’ve been there, and it’s never an easy decision.

When any kind of contact with them makes you sick, mentally or physically. Even then, you can occasionally touch base with them. A card, a quick text—anything to make them think you want a “relationship” even if you don’t. Like, once a month you could text or leave a phone message.

Well it all depends, doesn’t it? Do you love your family? Do you enjoy hanging out with them? Do you get along well? Do you have tolerance for discontent? Have you been hurt by your family, or specific members of it? Are they toxic to your mental health? What kind of obligations do you feel to be with them or care for them? What will happen to them if you cut ties?

A gazillion more questions. Depending on their answers, you can decide which way you are leaning.

When you have lost all respect and sense of obligation to them.

When staying in touch with your family has severe negative effects on your mental health. Do you dread having to talk to them? When you are in their company, do you notice that your self-esteem plummets? Conversely, do you feel better about yourself when you haven’t spoken to them for a while? Have they actively worked to sabotage your happiness (i.e. trying to interfere in your marriage or career plans?) If you can say “yes” to any of these questions, then cutting off contact would probably be the best thing for your well-being.

When the pain of being together is greater then the pain of being apart.

I have realized that in order for my therapy to work, I need to cut ties with my dad.
He loves me, I know that. I am not a priority and know that too. Forgetting to meet me for lunch is acceptable, transfering my inheritance into his stepwifes name is not.
I need to heal from years of hurt and rejection. I have to cut ties to do that.

@redheadstepchild well said. Good luck to you.