Can people have secret agendas hidden from themselves?

Sure, there is no accounting for the insanity people create for themselves, consciously or unconsciously.

This is why the only ‘work’ that really matters in life is knowing yourself, untangling your patterns, behaviors, that harm and do not serve ones highest choice and healthy relating.

Becoming self aware is the ticket, but, sadly, many never get there and just keep repeating their dysfunctions over & over again.

People just do dumb things. She obviously needs more attention than she is getting at home and is doing everything she can to get it! Sounds like she is using both her husband and this lover at the same time!

You are asking if this woman has a secret agenda, hidden from herself.

And then you tell us that the woman has intentionally cheated on, and repeatedly lied to, her husband.

If she would lie to her husband, why wouldn’t she lie to her lover, her friends, and sure, herself?

This woman’s actions scream “manipulative” to me. She is manipulating her husband into getting what she wants (going to therapy, maintaining her lifestyle for her) and she is manipulating the lover into giving her the affection and attention she couldn’t get from her husband (“oh baby, the sex with you is so much better than my husband!” That’s exactly what the married guy wanted to hear, wasn’t it?)

She does not sound like a trustworthy person to me, and I think you, as her friend, are justified in questioning her motives.

It’s also known as self-destructive behavior.

If you don’t know your own mind, your subconscious will often sabotage you.

She does not love her husband.

I don’t think one can have hidden agendas… though it’s obvious she does not love her husband.

Cheaters are fucking worthless….

Id say she just wants to hurt her husband, she clearly doesn’t have any respect for him or his feelings.

@cheebdragon What should she do?

@envidula61 She will be doing the same in the future and there is nothing you can DO about her behavior.
A lot of therapy and a new relationship in the future maybe all she can do. It sounds like she is angry at a lot of people including herself.

She wants her husband to divorce her, so she doesn’t have to take ownership for the decision.

Well the fact that is clear is she don’t feel she is cherished enough by her husband. She is faking herself out by thinking she loves him because if she did she would not be continuing with the lover, much less even starting. She might want something physically from her lover her husband doesn’t do or no longer does. She equates that excitement etc, as more love than her husband does; it is she loves how the lover makes her feel more over to actually loving him. She has not went to war with the lover, she has not stood shoulder to shoulder on the frontlines of life with him so she do not have a real assessment of what day in, day out life would be with him. He is like the “Disneyland dad” to a kid, all the good stuff but none of the stress. It seem if she always gets caught it is to some how punish the husband for lacking to giver her something rather than trying to find middle ground to get him (the husband) to step up.

The games people play. :-?

For a person who buries, bottles up, denies, and ignores her true feelings, her brain will sabotage her every time. The less integrated one’s self is, the more one is splintered into several dissociated selves – and there is a scale for that, just like there’s a scale from Asperger’s to autism. She can begin unknowingly working against herself, and it can be painfully visible to everyone but her.

Well said @Ladymia69

Yep, integration and self awareness is the goal for happy and healthy living and relating.

The premise of the question is that there is a single self. The evidence from neuroscience is that the brain is divided into a multitude of individual regions and the sense of self is kind of grand illusion. I have heard a theory that says that any time we feel conflicted about someting, it is in essence one part of the brain working against another.

@envidula61 She should grow up, quit screwing around, and start making amends to her husband before he realizes what a selfish bitch she really is, she’s stupid if she thinks he will put up with her shit forever. If she can’t keep her legs closed, she needs to move on while she can still find someone who wants her, but I have a feeling karma is going to kick her trashy ass one day.

I’m pretty sure there is nothing a selfish, immature person can do that would fix the situation. I would only hope that the husband just pack her stuff and kick her to the curb and change the door locks. If its the same person you wrote about before than I would say she is abusive. She is definetly just trying to yank his chain because she likes to see him suffer. I would never call such a person my friend. She sounds very malicious. I hope he kicks her to the curb and takes the kids. No kid deserves to have such a woman (and I use that word loosely) for a mother.
She doesn’t need marriage couseling. She needs therapy.
I don’t think she’s just trying to get him to up his game and get him jealous. That would be flirting with other guys. This is a whole other level. She gets a kick out of making sure he knows he will never be enough. If a man did that to a woman. It would be called abuse, and I think it is the same the other way. She’s playing with fire. One day he may snap and kill her or kill the guy or both of them. If he hasn’t left by now that means he is obsessed by her. Which means it would probably be easy for him to go to the extreme. He already proved by staying that he is willing to go to the extreme to keep her by putting up with this crap.
She playing with fire and she’s going to get a nasty burn.

All of the last Four Questions that you have asked, suggest that all of this lying and cheating and messing around online and generally acting like a fool are all about you. You sound like you have some serious problems with boundaries and maturity. Please seek help with a therapist now.

Really? Keeping the kids away from the mother because she cheated on their father seems really mature? Don’t use the kids as a pawn to punish her for being a stupid whore. It’s not as if she’s going to encourage them to be like her when they grow up. A divorce will fuck them up enough, do you really think it would be healthy to take their mom away also?