What is the most terrible yet funniest joke you've ever heard?

I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, because I’m genuinely unsure of what you’re asking. By “worst” do you mean “most offensive,” or literally a bad joke? I can’t tell, because the example in the question doesn’t strike me as funny, but it could be offensive… so in what way do you mean “worst?”

@ANef_is_Enuf good question! I mean, a joke that makes you wanna vomit-not literally- but is still funny. like Jesus jokes. quite offensive for some people yeah.
Like what do you call a guy with a bent dick?
Fucks funny.
thats not a good joke… but its funny to me somehow. lol

A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says “Show me it’s true what they say about black men”. So he stabs her and steals her purse.

There was a thread last year with over 200 horrible jokes.

@QueenOfNowhere okay, gotcha. I had a bad joke – not offensive bad, just a lame joke that makes me laugh. That’s why I asked.

I can’t believe Pretzels are knot bread.

What’s the difference between a black man and a picknick table?
The table can support a family.

Frankie Boyle

and again…

and once more.

What’s so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
You know she’ll swallow.

The difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are $1.89 and deer nuts are under a buck.

No offense to any blondes on Fluther
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A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”
The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”
The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.”

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
“You’re finished already?” he asked. “Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. “Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. “And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”

lol @queenie
Woman is in an appliance store buying a microwave and a bracket to hang it on the wall. The salesman hands her the bracket and says “Oh. You’ll want a screw for this.”

The woman thinks a second and says, “No. But tell you what, I’ll blow you for that blender over there.”

What did the ghost give his girlfriend for valentines day?
A boo-quet of flowers.

<groan>

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

(makes choking sound)

A man sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

“A lot of Christians wear crosses around their neck.
Ya think when Jesus comes back, he wants to see a cross?
That’s like going up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant.”
Bill Hicks

This joke isn’t particularly terrible, but I still wanna share it if you don’t mind :P
.
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife:

“Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.” If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”

To which his wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!”

Why was the apple sad?.......Because the banana split!
This is one of those corny jokes that is somehow slightly funny. This kid in my math class heard it and laughed so hard he started to cry.

How terrible are we allowed to get here, exactly?

What’s the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Ferrari?

I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.

Wanna hear another one? I feel like I’m hijacking this thread too… sorry :p
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A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
Regis: “Barbara, you’ve done very well so far – $500,000 and one lifeline left—phone a friend.

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right… but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000—are you ready?”

Barbara: “Sure, I’ll have a go!”

Regis: “Which of the following birds does not build it’s own nest?

Is it….....

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars.”

“I think I know who it..but I’m not 100%...

No, I haven’t got a clue. I’d like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: “Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: “I’ll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham.”

(ringing)

Maggie (also a blonde): “Hello…”

Regis: “Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.

The next voice you hear will be Barbara’s and she’ll read you the question.

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer—fire away Barbara.”

Barbara: “Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it’s own nest? Is it:

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush”

Maggie: “Oh Gees, Barbara that’s simple…..It’s a Cuckoo.”

Barbara: “You think?”

Maggie: “I’m sure.”

Barbara: ” Thanks Maggie.” (hangs up)

Regis: “Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?”

Barbara: “I want to play, I’ll go with C-Cuckoo”

Regis: “Is that your final answer?”

Barbara: “It is.”

Regis: “Are you confident?”

Barbara: “Yes fairly, Maggie’s a sound bet.”

Regis: “Barbara…..you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo…you’re right! – You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara.”

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks “Tell me Maggie, How in God’s name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: “Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock.”

Why did the snowman pull his pants down?

He heard the snowblower was coming.

One day, little Timmy is looking out his bedroom window, bored with nothing to do. Suddenly, across the street, he see’s Ms. Johnson’s house spontaneously ignite. As he watches in awe, the fire department pulls up in their big red trucks, spray down the house, and rescue Ms. Johnson and her pet dog from the burning building. Tommy suddenly realized what his calling in life is, he’s going to be a fireman! In his excitement, he runs down the stairs, scrambles into the kitchen where his mother is reading the paper and says, “Mommy, Mommy! I know what I’m gonna be when I grow up, I’m gonna be a fireman!”

Little Timmy’s mom sighs, folds and sets down the paper and says, “Timmy, you’re not going to grow up, you have AIDS.”

Where does George Washington keep his armies?

In his sleevies.

What’s brown and sticky?

A stick!

What’s invisible and smells like carrots?

Rabbit farts.

A nose walks into a bar and the barman says “hey!! you!! get out! I can’t serve you….. you’re already off your face!!”

Two cows standing in a field doing what cows do… chewing on the foliage from the hedgerow… wiggling their ears…...
first cow looks at the other cow and says ”... moooooo”
the second cow rolls her eyes and says “I just knew you were going to say that!”

I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.

A pedophile and a young girl are walking through a graveyard at night. It’s a moonless night, very dark and eerie, and as they are walking the girl starts to shiver.
She says “Boy it’s really scary out here.”
The pedophile replies “You think you’ve got it bad? I have to walk back alone.”

9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

@syzygy2600 Oh god lol. Let’s see if I can top that for disturbance factor…how do you make a baby cry a second time?
Wipe your bloody dick on it’s favourite stuffed animal.

What’s the difference between Jesus & a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang the picture.

Two nuns cycling down a cobbled street. The first one says “I’ve never come this way before”; the second one replies “Must be the cobbles”

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing- you’ve already told her twice.

Pooping in the handicap stall is like flying first class.

So there’s these three altar boys walking together after finishing cleaning up a bishop’s room when suddenly they start talking about things they found in the bishop’s room.

“I found a bunch of dirty magazines, so for the father’s sake I tossed them into the fireplace and burned them,” said the first.

“Oh yeah? Well, I found a bunch of condoms, so I punched a bunch of holes in them,” said the second.

“So that’s why my ass itches…” grumbles the third.

So whats worse than finding five dead babies in one trash can?

Finding one dead baby split up into five.

How long does it take to toss 300 dead babies into the back of a pick up?

I dunno, are you using a pitchfork?

How many dead babies can you fit in a trash can?

I dunno, is it a compactor?

How do you kill 50 flies at once?

Hit a Somalian in the face with a shovel.

A priest, a paedophile and a rapist walked into a bar. He bought a drink.

What’s the best thing about fucking twenty eight year olds?

There’s twenty of them.

Osama bin Laden was an accomplished chef. He once made a big apple crumble

What’s the worst thing about eating bald pussy?

The diaper gets in the way.

A flasher walked up to three nuns and opened his trenchcoat.
The first nun had a stroke.
The second nun had a stroke.
The third nun didn’t touch him.

A ship wrecks onto a deserted island. Two guys and a girl survive. Since they don’t have anything to do all day besides eating and sleeping, they just have sex. Eventually the girl gets sick and dies. The two men don’t know what to do with themselves anymore so they keep having sex. After a few days of sex, they feel guilty about what they’ve been doing… so they bury her.

Why did the boy drop his ice cream? He was hit by a bus.

What’s he difference between a Jew and a boy scout? Boy scouts come home from camp.

Why did the girl scout cry when she dropped her cookies? Because her father beats her mother and calls her a whore nightly in a drunken rage.

How did the dead baby cross the road?

Well he wasn’t dead until the ferrari hit him…

A Jew was playing with an ashtray, when hitler comes by and asks:
“Are you looking for someone?”

Did you here they were going to start posting pictures of missing gay men? They’re going to start with pictures of the backs of their heads on vaseline jars.

what do you have when you have 11 lawyers up to their necks in cement?

Not enough cement

What do you get when you cross a pig and a lawyer?

Nothing, there are things even a pig won’t do.

Why don’t Black men like blowjobs?
They don’t like any jobs.

How is a woman like a frying pan?
You have to get em both hot before you put your meat in.

Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, “Am I black with white
stripes or white with black stripes?” The other replies, “Well I don’t
know. You should pray to God about that and ask him.” So that night he did
and God replied, “You are what you are.” The next day he said to the other
zebra, “I still don’t understand what I am because God just said, You are
what you are.” The second zebra responds, “You must be white with black
stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is.”

well, if the racist jokes are popping out…

So there’s this little black boy who’s born with wings and everyone thinks he’s an angel from heaven. However, the kid has some doubts. So when he grows old, dies, and goes to heaven he asks god, “God, was I born an angel?”

God says, “Bitch please, you a bat.”

Q: Whats long and hard on a black guy?
A: First grade

A Really Bad Day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”

“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.”

“I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”

Why did Winnie look in the toilet?
To find pooh

Q: Why did the woman cross the road?

A: Who fucking cares. The question is, what is she doing out of the kitchen?

What’s the difference between a large pizza and a black guy?
A large pizza can feed a family of four.

Why did they put the pussy so close to the asshole?
So if you need to you can carry your woman like a bowling ball.

What is one thing you bump into at night that is invisible?
black people wearing black

What is the difference between a refrigerator and a gay man?
The refrigerator doesn’t fart when you pull your meat out.

Before he leaves for a hunting trip, a king posted three soldiers to guard his queen’s chamber. The king also secretly hid a sharp blade inside the queen’s vagina. Upon his return, he asks for the three soldiers to stand in front of him and ordered them to pull down their pants one by one. The first soldier did and when the king saw his penis with a cut, he yelled, “Off with his head!”. The king then takes a look at the second soldier’s penis. He once again finds a cut so he yelled, “Off with his head! When he sees the third soldier’s penis however, it was pristinely intact, no cut at all. The king ordered his trumpet players to sound off to celebrate the third soldier’s loyalty and also put a golden necklace around the hero’s neck. Showing him off to the whole kingdom, the kings turns and asks the blushing soldier to say something. The soldier begins to speak but no one understood for he could only mumble due to the fact that his tongue was cut.

Two car pile up on the Mexican border. Thousands die.

LOL I’m cracking up haha.

So a blind skunk and a blind rabbit are running full speed ahead in the woods, and end up crashing each in other.

Rabbit; Ow, man. watch it.

Skunk; Sorry, I’m blind.

Rabbit; Me, too.

Skunk; So what are you, anyways?

Rabbit; Touch me, and find out.

So the skunk feels the rabbit…hmm…you have long ears, strong hind legs and a puffy tail. You must be a rabbit!

Rabbit; That’s right. What about you?

Skunk; Touch me, and find out.

Well…you have long, greasy hair, and you stink. You must be an Indian!

How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?

AIDS

What’s beige and orange, and floats in the water? A drowned baby in a pool. What’s black, green, brown and orange and floats in the water? The same baby two weeks later.

What’s the difference between a lobster and a baby? None, they both scream when you huck em in boiling water.

What’s the difference between a pile of dead babies and a pile of rocks? A pile of dead babies is easy to pick up with a pitchfork.

What has antennas, is red and pink, all cute looking, and runs around on all fours bumping into walls? A little girl with forks jammed in her eyes.

What’s the difference between babies and checks?

Checks bounce.

Nicholson is not amused.

A man and a duck are walking down the street together. Suddenly the man notices a low flying airplane coming right for them. So the man yells “DUCK!!!!”
The duck looks angrily back at the man and yells “MAN!!!!”

So America, Canada and the UK get together to discuss the Iraqi terrorism threats, and attempt to find a solution.

America says, we’re gonna kick some Iraqi ass!

The UK says, we’re gonna punt some Iraqi backside!

And Canada says, we’re gonna lick some American ass!

Oh and allow me to make fun of my own country; I have a French bayonet. It’s only been dropped once.

@Symbeline LOL, and your country (at least Paris) smells like urine.

Damn, we a buncha chicken shits! Oh and this.

Heh! @Symbeline I love google. Have you seen this?

What the f…so pigeons give us porn.

Awesome. :D

A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this? Some kind of joke?”

What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust.

Why do black people smell so badly?
So blind people can hate them too.

How many dead babies does it take to paint a house?
Depends how hard your throw them.

How do you fit 50 dead babies into a blender?
Put them through a different blender first.
How do you get them out?
Tortilla Chips!

@Joker94 yum

What’s great about having sex with twenty six year olds?
There are twenty of them.

“How are black people like sperm?
Only 1 in 10 million work.”

I showed a friend this post and that’s what he added. So his contribution is made!

What do you call a bunch of black men running down the street?
Jailbreak.

What do you call a bunch of Mexicans running down the street?
Mudslide.

A farmer was a regular client of a hooker and he always paid her with a bushel of corn. But she only let him fuck her in the ass. One day he visited her and she was letting a client fuck her pussy. Oh boy he thought, I’m finally going to get some pussy. She get’s done with her client and he goes in with his bushel of corn. She rolls over on her stomach and presents her ass to him. But the other guy was in your pussy he says. She rolls over and points to her pussy. This is the money hole, and then points to her ass, this is the corn hole.

Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s a woman.

How did Helen Keller burn her ear?
The phone rang and she answered the iron.

What is one positive thing to come out of the wars in Afghanistan & Iraq?
The US will have a kick ass Paralympic team in the 2012 Olympics.

What did Sarah Palin said when told by Mcdonald’s crew they’re out of Big Macs.

“I’ll take the small Mac, please.”

What do you call a blonde who has her hair dyed brunette?
Artificial Intelligence

How can you tell a blonde has been using the computer?
There’s whiteout on the screen.

Why doesn’t any member of the musical group the GoGos swallow?
Because their lips are sealed.

What do a blond and a turtle have in common?
Once they’re on their backs, they’re fucked.

How do you get four blonds to sit down? Turn a chair upside down.

What happened to the blond who bought a vibrator? All her teeth fell out.

Why does a blond wear green lipstick? Because in traffic lights, green means go.

How do you get a black man out of a tree?
Cut the rope.

How do you stop a black man from drowning?
Pick your foot up.

@erichw1504 Terrible! Terrible!

In order to find out which among 3 prince suitors is the best one to marry his beautiful daughter, he decides to test their courage and strength. He sends them galloping with their noble steeds to enter the forest to pick the best fruit there is in the whole world.

After a few days, the first prince arrived with a banana followed by another carrying a papaya. In front of the whole kingdom, the king then asks the first prince to prove his courage and strength by inserting the banana up his ass unpeeled and he must laugh all the way through while doing it. The first prince obeys but fails to laugh, wincing and groaning all along. “You suck!” says the king.

The second prince then steps forward, gulping. He faces the audience and starts to push the fat papaya up his ass. He immediately starts laughing. Out loud too. The king says, “You are truly brave and strong!” The prince shakes his head vehemently, saying “No” and then pointed at the third prince who has just arrived carrying a huge jackfruit on his back.

What have a bicycle and Madeleine McCann got in common?

They both hang up in a garage and are taken down for a ride once in a while.

One day, the church caught on fire. There were 3 men there, a priest, a teacher, and a lawyer. While the men were escaping some children were in the church with them. The teacher says “let’s save the kids!” The lawyer says “fuck the kids!”, then the priest says “do we have enough time?”

Q: What do lawyers do after they die?
A: They lie still.

How do you kill a retard?

Give him a knife and ask him “who’s special?”.

How do you kill a dumb blonde?

Put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of the pool.

Why is it called PMS?

Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

So there’s a Mexican, a white guy from Colorado, and a Texan sitting in a bar. After a few rounds of drinks, the Mexican stands up and shoots every bottle of tequila in the bar. Everyone stares at him like wtf, to which he replies, “Don’t worry, there’s plenty more of that where I come from.” Everyone being satisfied with this answer, continues to drink and life goes on.

A little while later, the white guy from Colorado stands up and shoots every bottle of Coors in the bar. Once again everyone is like wtf, to which he responds, “Don’t worry, there is plenty of that where I come from,” everyone shrugs, and being satisfied with this answer, continues to drink.

After a while, the Texan stands up, he looks around the bar, then shoots the Mexican and the white guy from Colorado. Everyone ducks or tries to make a break for the door. Seeing the chaos, the Texan yells, “what the hell is y’all’s problem? There’s plenty of them where I come from.”

How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

What do priests and McDonald’s have in common?

They both stick their meat in ten year old buns.

What does the mafia and a pussy have in common?

One slip of the tongue and you’re in deep shit.

What did one tampon say to the other?

Nothing, they were both stuck up bitches.

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or
my Dad, or my older Brother Johnathan, or my younger Brother T’sao…
But I think its Johnathan.

ha ha ha @King_Pariah! That one’s great :-)

A man, his wife and mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land.

While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, “You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her
here in the Holy Land for $150.00.

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, “Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150.00?”

The man said, “A man died here 2000 years ago, he was buried here and three days later he rose from the dead.”

“I just can’t take that chance.”

Two muffins are baking in the oven, when one turns to the other and says, “It’s getting hot in here.” The other screams, “HOLY SHIT, A TALKING MUFFIN!”

Two peanuts are walking down th… yeah, never mind.

What’s the difference between peanut butter and jam?

I can’t peanut butter my dick in your ass.

@erichw1504 Was one assaulted?

Two women were working out at the gym. After they finished they went to the locker room to shower. One woman noticed the other’s ass was covered with bruises. Oh my god, what happened to your ass she said. Oh, it’s nothing. I got caught between a rock and a hard-on.

@Adirondackwannabe You lost me a “shower”.

@erichw1504 I lost you a shower?

@Adirondackwannabe Yes, yes you did…

So that’s why @erichw1504 ‘s so smelly…

@queenie well the 10 sprays of my amazing cologne cover up my B.O.

Hey, I’ve got a joke about my penis! But, you know what, nevermind, it’s too long.

I have a joke about my vagina, but nevermind, you’ll never get it. XD

I have a joke about my panties, but unfortunatley, someone got it.

@jailbait I laughed. :)

I have a few jokes about my balls, but never mind, they’re too big.

Q: How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth?
A: He ate his pizza before it was cool.