Is it possible for a guy who parties and hooks up with party girls to really fall for a girl who doesn't?

There are a lot of partying man-whores who are 21.

There’s a lot less that are 40. They grow up, that scene loses it’s appeal, and they find someone they care about. You can’t make it happen though, he has to decide it’s not something he’s interested in anymore.

You seem to not approve of his lifestyle as a whole so you’d either want to make that clear to him before getting in a relationship, or move on.

My advice (for what it’s worth) would be this probably isn’t the time for the two of you to be together. If he’s important to you, have him in your life, but trying to force him to “settle down” probably won’t go as you’d like.

Good luck.

Absolutely. My brother was a player for quite a long time before settling down with one woman and buying a house. And that woman was nowhere close to a party girl. Her best friend was my mother. Seriously.

Welcome to Fluther.

Who knows what he wants? He sure doesn’t. Was he hit in the head (hard and repeatedly) during his accident?

My suggestion is to steer completely clear of him if you can bring yourself to do that, and either wait for him to grow up and treat you consistently well (and faithfully), or simply leave him entirely.

You can’t fix him.

Repeat after me: “I can’t fix him.”

PS: Paragraph breaks are your friends.

I agree with @WasCy. While it’s possible for him to fall in love and settle down, nothing you do is likely to change him. It’ll either be his decision or it won’t happen at all.

I’m so sorry that you are having to go through this situation. The first thing I’m going to tell you is probably the most important thing. Always believe a boy, guy or man who tells you that he’s not good enough for you, or that he’s not right for you, or that you deserve better._ This statement is always true, but what it really means, in code if you prefer, is that the male who utters this statement ( whether he likes you, or loves you, or hates you, or loved you at one time and then stopped loving you, or never loved you at all) is telling you that if you do get involved with him, he will hurt you. He already knows that he will eventually, inevitably hurt you. He might continue his partying and sleeping around, he might lie to you, he might sleep with one of your friends, and he is almost positively going to break up with you, or hurt your so badly that you will be forced to break up with him.

The reason that they don’t spell it out so neatly like I just did, is because it sounds horrific! But it is ultimately true, and he knows it. So he’s kind of doing you a favor, by telling you that he’s no good for you. Even if you really like him or love him (and you have every right to feel that way, because you cared for him and dated him and had a pretty nice time) but he knew he had to break up with you, because he knew he still enjoyed partying and having meaningless sex (and maybe sometimes some meaningful sex with someone else that he might love, but he would never tell you that) and he doesn’t want to stop doing that. He enjoys it and he’s used to doing it.

Because you didn’t have sex with him (thank goodness for that) he kind of views you as a virgin on a pedestal. I think that is why he still kind of acts like he wants to be around you and doesn’t want you to get involved with anyone else. It’s a sicko double standard that guys use. He loves the idea of having this virginal, sweet girlfriend, but in reality virginal sweet girlfriends are too much trouble, because then he would actually have to stop messing around and treat you nicely. He doesn’t want to do that. He may very well have been a better person when you two were together (like his male friend pointed out) but ultimately is was just too hard and too much trouble and he would have to give up too much.

He doesn’t want to date you and have to give up all of his sex buddies and partying, but he doesn’t want you to stop feeling loving towards him. That’s why he wants you to remain friends, but he will not have to have any responsibilty toward you, or stop messing around. It’s really unfair to you.

Because you and he dated (and you probably fell in love with him and may even still feel love for him) it will be almost impossible for you to be just friends with him at this point. Because you will want to be with him and he will continule his partying and sexxing around, but he will not be your boyfriend, he won’t give up his lifestyle for you and he will always make you feel guilty and crappy for not just doing what he wants, the way he wants you to do it. That is why he keeps picking fights with you. He wants you to stand by, continue to be sweet and virginal and loving toward him, but to make no demands on him and not to leave him for someone more suitable for you. He is putting you in a really crappy position. It also sounds like he has a lot of personal problems and he needs to grow into a mature man. Sound like that is not likely to happen any time soon, if ever. I’m so sorry.

It seems like every young woman has to have one of these awful experiences at the beginning of her dating life. Please try to walk away from this situation and learn from it, but do NOT EVER judge anyone else that you might want to date in the future by this particular guy, or else you might become worried that every guy is going to treat you badly and you might over-look or discourage some really terrific fellows. Learn to spot the red flags before you date someone new, but don’t paint all males with the broad brush of douche-baggery or else you won’t have any fun with any new, potentially awesome fellows.

In the meantime, I would suggest writing a short, sweet note to your ex-boyfriend and tell him something like this, “Justin, you know that I care deeply for you and when we were together I think I may have even loved you. But you said it yourself that you are “not good for me” and I think you are correct, even though I wish that were not the case. We are very different people and I respect that, but I can’t stand by and watch you be involved with partying and hooking up with other girls, it’s just too painful for me. I really need to move on and find someone that is more suitable for me, someone that wants to be with me and only me. I know that may sound a bit over-romantic, but that’s really what I’m looking for in my life. We had a good run and I will always remember you and how you made me feel. I wish it could have worked out, but it just wasn’t meant to be. Thank you for the time that we had together. I hope you find what you are looking for. It’s time for me to move forward, goodbye” Then remove all of his contact info from your phone, computer, phone book etc. If you happen to run into him somewhere, and you probably will, if he comes over, just say hello politely and try to get yourself out of his presence quickly and and quietly, with no drama. If he starts to cause a scene or starts to yell at you or pick a fight, try to get someone else to escort you out of there. But don’t engage him in an argument. And if somewhere down the line, he tries to convince you that he’s changed, don’t buy it. You will have changed, yourself, but for the better. Just keep looking and moving forward. Good luck to you, my dear. : )

This guy is sowing his oats…....big time.

I am not sure what he has said to you to make you all dreamy-eyed, but I hope you understand that he is a player and not someone to be serious about. Like the song says, “players only love when they are playing”.

Bottomline…...........you are serious….............he is not.

Welcome to Fluther.

All I have to say is that you should leave him be and forget about him. His repeated mantra has essentially been this:

“It’s not you, it’s me.”

This is language for “I am not interested in you for real” or “I’m not the guy for you cos I can’t live up to your expectations”, etc.

I want to share the best news possible, but I saw him say this so often in reading your narrative.

Why are you even considering going out with this guy? Is he really the best offer you got? He is trouble. He told you he’s trouble. And you know he’s trouble. What more do you need?
Listen to the women above screaming “Run!” and leave him alone!

I was in a somewhat similar situation once and all I can say is, if you can get away from it, do so.

I hope this ends up as a response, but I’ll see how it goes. First of all, I would like to thank everyone that has responded so sincerely to my question; and I can honestly say that there is a lot for me to think about. I would like you to know a couple of things. I am young. I’m only 17. I have dated before, and they have been nice boys that I am still friends with. Oddly enough, Worriedguy he isn’t my “best offer”. I can’t explain it. I know this makes me sound kind of desperate maybe? I know beyond a doubt that I can’t “fix” him. That’s his job, if he ever decides to do that. I also realize that he won’t decide to do that until something happens that causes him to feel that his current lifestyle isn’t what he wants, and that will come from someplace inside himself. I can’t “make” him do or feel anything, and I am very much aware of that. It would be wonderful if we could, that would be every mother’s dream, according to my mom, ha ha. I do think that Kardamom had a very good point too. I do think that he likes to have me around because I am so different from the other girls he socializes with, and I do sometimes get the feeling that he places me on a pedestal and I don’t want to be there. I try not to judge as in good or bad so much as I think that something is wise or unwise.That’s the way my mom raised me, and that’s not to say there isn’t bad in the world. He’s 17. Gosh, I don’t understand myself right now. I wonder if it’s because I formed such an emotional/spiritual connection with him when we talked. I know he has a hard life, and the best I can hope to do for him is be a true friend…no expectations. I think I do have to set some boundaries when it comes to him getting frustrated. It doesn’t bring me down…it just confuses me. Somehow I just thought if I could understand where he is coming from it would help me deal with it. But when it comes down to it all any of us can do is speculate right? I wonder if he even understands why he does what he does, or feels what he feels. I don’t know. What little I do know is that I have a lot to ponder, and I appreciate all of you taking the time to share your experiences and opinions with me.

He’s really quite interested in you. He probably loves you in a way he’s never loved before. Unfortunately, he thinks he’s worthless, and therefore he is sure that one day you will either figure this out and dump him, or he will hurt you accidentally and you’ll dump him, because he knows he only gets one chance.

He grew up in a family where he got no praise and no recognition and he was probably beaten down emotionally and/or physically. He has no idea if he is any good or not. He hopes he is, but no one ever told him he was, and so deep on the inside he thinks he’s worthless. No. He knows he’s worthless.

What he hopes is that the love of a good woman will help him believe in himself. All the psychology books tell you this can’t happen. He has to find his own inner sense of worth himself. But in my experience, it’s really the other way around. You can not find any worth in yourself until someone else tells you it’s there. Usually people get this sense of self-worth from their parents. But if you don’t get it there, you have to get it somewhere else, and without a kernel of self-worth, you’ll never be able to manufacture it yourself.

So he needs you to reflect back to him who he really is. But he knows you won’t do it, and even if you do it, he will deflect it to the best of his ability. Why? Because he doesn’t really believe you until you’ve stuck with him through a lot of his attempts to get you to see him the way he sees himself.

If you really like this guy, and you want to try to build something with him, then it’ll be a long haul. He will test you every way until Sunday. He will come to you and leave you. There will be a lot of drama. He will have affairs.

If you stick with him through all that, he’ll either think you are a doormat, or he will finally come to a sense that he is lovable.

There are so many boys like us. I’ve not believed I’m worth anything for so long that I don’t even bother trying to unthink it. It doesn’t really matter any more. It’s to the point where I think that anyone who believes in me or who thinks I can do anything well has got to be stupid—hardly worth listening to. The only people I listen to are the people who tell me I’m a sick fuck-up and need to see a therapist. I do see one. Several, in fact. It’s helped, but not as far as my sense of worth is concerned.

Twenty people might tell me they like something I’ve done, and one might tell me I suck, and the one is the one I believe. When you’re like that, you stop caring about yourself. You try to destroy anything you can. You don’t let people get a chance to really get close to you. It’s much easier to think of yourself as worthless, because then it’s no surprise when you do something bad. When you start thinking of yourself as good for something, and you make a mistake, everything falls apart, only it’s much worse of a comedown.

Do like everyone has said. Stay away from him. There is no sating him. He’s too fucked up for that. Well, if he’s like me, he’s too fucked up. I can only hope he isn’t as bad, and maybe has a chance of feeling good about himself and accepting that someone might actually love him. He desperately wants that love, even if he doesn’t believe he is worthy.

P.S. I’m sorry about not using paragraphs. I was very nervous and I was really concerned about the length. I’ll do better.

He’s not ready for serious. Whatever’s driving him to party is more important than the serious side of him. He likes the party boy jerk side of himself; it’s who he’s comfortable with, who his friends know. He’s not interested in changing that.

Fact from fiction, truth from diction. He is a player, he boinks them and leave them. I know you want to believe you have the mojo to change his ways because you want to see a nugget of good inside a mountain of crap, but it is not going to happen. You can save him if he does not want to save himself.

Why he wants to stay friend and why you do can be very different. He might be desiring to keep you close incase the action gets slow with the other girls. He seems to try to be nice when around you but it never sticks. Ever asked yourself why?

Maybe he has a modicum of care for you because if it was really about you being a virgin and all, and having you up on some pedestal, he would have gotten it from you by now. Many who go after a guy with, ”I am good enough to save him and make him give up them” mode, are easy marks. I think on his part it is more infatuation on top of the fact you may have been the only female that actually gave a darn about him.

My advice to you is keep your Victorias on, and go look for another.

Just reading your story, he sound like an abuser. I hope I read it wrong.

Pedestal—@Hypocrisy_Central‘s comment reminds me that when people like us do find someone who cares for us, we do tend to put them on a pedestal because clearly they must be saints to love us. Don’t worry about it. You don’t have to live up to it—or to what you think his idea of your perfection is. The fact that you love him at all and are willing to spend time with him at all is all it takes to get your pedestal.

He can see all your faults—and no doubt does—and still put you on a pedestal. You do not have to live up to it. He will like you whether or not you fit his image because he is so blown over that you like him at all, it’s hard to get past that. No one else ever did. No one gave him a chance. And of course, he doesn’t deserve one. He would look at every answer here and be willing to say it was 100% correct because it fits with the way he sees himself.

He can justify being a man whore if a nice woman sees the good in him. It means that he’s okay doing what he’s doing, because a nice person identifies that he’s really a nice guy.

It doesn’t work that way.

It sounds to me like every girl in town has given him a chance. But our young lady is one of the few who had the good sense not to give up her virginity to him.

Of course it’s possible, but I would hope the girl would find him to not be desirable.

Everything is possible though it would be sad for him.

He sounds like a dick, and is unlikely to change that.

@Kardamom “But our young lady is one of the few who had the good sense not to give up her virginity to him.” – Yet. Clearly she is falling for his line. Of course, he’s had a lot of practice.
Let’s hope sanity prevails.

What burns me is she is passing up the quiet, shy, smart, honest, affectionate guy sitting right next to her in class for this one.
Hey, the stupid, bad guy attraction happens all the time. Sandra Bullock was stupid enough to marry this guy . We all know how well that worked out for her.

@worriedguy Yes, I too am afraid that she has fallen so hard for his bad boy’s methods that she believes that because she herself is different (and she is, she sounds wonderful and every guy should be so lucky to have her as a girlfriend) she thinks that her love and her good sense will rub off on him, or that he will somehow come to the conclusion,eventually, that all this scr*wing around and partying will somehow stop being enjoyable for him if he realizes that he has the opportunity to be loved by a good woman. That just doesn’t happen. He might be messed up because of his background, his former illness, his cold parents or whatever, but he clearly enjoys getting with lots of girls and partying. And he enjoys having our friend admire him at the same time, but he doesn’t want to have to be tied down to her and give up his lifestyle. By picking fights with her and acting all lovey-dovey towards her when she’s around, he makes her think that they have some type of special intense bond, even though they are no longer dating. It’s a thrill for him and he’s probably pretty proud of himself for pulling it off.

Because she is different than all of the other girls who have jumped into bed with him, I sincerely hopes that she is able to see him for what he really is and stop believing the fairy tale about how special and tortured he is. He’s a pretty typical run of the mill bad boy. They are a dime a dozen and they all have a story.

But the great guys, that are not out there sleeping around and causing trouble and hurt feelings are sitting at home, being overlooked. I hope our young lady can look past Mr. Bad Boy and see some of them, and realize that that is where her future lies.

@Kardamom Ah, but love is blind. I fear there is much heartache in her future.
Kids… they never listen…