How should I handle my marriage and my money?

Doesn’t your church provide clergy-type people to provide counsel to both you and your husband? Have you tried asking him/them for advice and/or to talk to your husband and/or provide a structure to hold him to account somehow?

Another idea: You said he agrees with you on decisions, and is then spending excess money anyway. Have you tried agreeing on an amount to save each month? If you can agree on that, perhaps you can arrange an automatic transfer to a savings account from your paycheck. Then maybe his habitual spending will simply see a smaller amount to spend than he otherwise would.

Perhaps you could set up a monthly automatic funds transfer to a savings account?

Well given your parameters,

1. God is the provider and I should trust Him to work things out
2. The husband is the head of the home?

Please keep it spiritual/bible based because under ordinary circumstances it would be ‘take control of the cash and forget about the man’ but that is not a solution that will work for me right now. I need to reconcile the cash and the spirit :)

…you parameters are a bit constricting I think, but I will respect them.

And to try to advise someone whose religious beliefs I don’t necessarily understand or share and whose marital relationship I am unfamiliar with and… I know neither you nor your husband… but

I would begin where @Zaku suggests: at your church.

If you can talk to your pastor ask him or her how you can go about resolving this. Also, are there women at your church you can talk to who can counsel you? Is there a fellowship group or does your church offer any classes or groups that focus on family financial management, budgets, family financial planning or can your pastor recommend one? God helps those who help themselves and you may believe your husband is the head of the household, but you are his helpmate, right, not simply a piece of furniture or a decoration yes? Your husband being head of the household, if you believe that, does not mean that your role is to simply stand there or look the other way as he drives your family into debt.

@tumi, this strikes at the heart of what our faith says about our hearts, especially a man. I am married, share your faith and have watched the economy do some serious damage to my families finances, there’s my credentials so to speak. Looking from the outside in, this is pure self centeredness on your husband’s part. Try this book, here. It is some of the most potent Christian material I have read on how to be a selfless man in context of my marriage. It is difficult to take but if he has an open heart, it might help. I have to read and re-read it to try to emulate the life it suggests.

In the meantime, is there any sort of direct withdrawal that can be set up through your work or out of your account for general savings or retirement savings? If you set up an IRA, it should get paid before chance of it getting spent.

Oh, also have you heard of Dave Ramsey. Christian based financial counselor who has a lot of literature published and does a regional radio show that is available on the web. I highly recommend him.

There is nothing more emasculating than being broke and in debt. My suggestion would be to put your husband on a budget and you control the saving of your income. FWIW I have not paid a bill in my household in 17 years and feel very much like a man. It is time your hubby comes to grip with the fact that he is screwing your future by his lack of work ethic and his spending habits. God gave you your ability to think….start using it!

@Season_of_Fall Try this book, here. It is some of the most potent Christian material I have read on how to be a selfless man in context of my marriage. It is difficult to take but if he has an open heart, it might help. I have to read and re-read it to try to emulate the life it suggests.

What book?

http://www.daveramsey.com/fpu/home/
This link is to Dave Ramsey’s classes, which is something you and your husband should attend. His classes are Biblically based. My husband and myself have taken the class, and it brought my husband and myself more into agreement regarding money. He also has a book store.

Agree with @Cruiser. Don’t dumb yourself down to make him feel more like a man. Although he is physically a man, his behavior is more like that of an irresponsible child. Put him on a financial diet (an allowance is good), and save yourselves. I think Dave would agree. Oh, and welcome to Fluther!

I suggest that you simply start a savings plan that will take money out before you are paid.

The Bible is full of women who had less than optimal husbands, and it was shown that acting righteously despite the husband’s misbehavior was not offensive to God. Check out the story in 1 Samuel 25 for an example.

Also relevant is Proverbs 31:10–31 about the Wife of Noble Character. Even if you respect him as the head of household, it doesn’t mean you have to follow him into the poorhouse. In this verse, a woman is praised for her aptitude at running the household. You don’t have to “forget the man” to do this. Include him, perhaps coming up with long-term goals that you both share, and that help him see the importance of saving and working towards them with you.

And, although it’s not in the Bible, one more thing to think about is how God helps those who help themselves. To help with this situation, God has provided you with the ability to start savings plans, have automatic deductions, and all the other helpful things that the people above me have suggested. To avoid using these things because you don’t want to hurt your husband’s feelings is to turn up your nose at the very things God has provided! Remember, God loves you and doesn’t want your family to suffer. God wants you to prosper so that you can show others how good He is to you.

Don’t be the punchline to this joke. And good luck. :)

God helps those who help themselves.

P.S. Why is he a wonderful man if you are the one working and he is not? Isn’t the money he is blowing through yours?

You have placed a lot of emphasis upon your belief that wives should be submissive to their husbands. This is the part of the marriage equation which is heavily emphasized in fundamentalist, legalistic types of churches.

The Bible itself presents a much more balanced view of marriage responsibilities for BOTH partners. Its just the “traditions of man” (which make the Word of God of none effect) which have received disproportional emphasis.

I will add the specific verse later but in Ephesians men are told “husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it”

That is a simple but very profound statement about the proper responsibility of a husband. I suggest that you ask God to give you a full revelation of the practical implications of that for ypur husband (and you)

Christ’s love was a sacrificial love willing to give up everything, even his life.

Your husband is apparently not even willing to give up his right to spend money on whatever catches his fancy regardless of financial implications for the future. He seems to agree with your viewpoint in principle but just doesnt translate that into action. “Faith without works is dead.”. Thats also straight from the Bible. He can talk all he wants but good stewardship requires consistency of appropriate action.

The Bible also has much to say about wisdom and good stewardship of reaources.

Im not trying to be overly harsh toward your husband. We all have faults and failings. I’m sure he has good intentions. But in terms of financial responsibility, thats not his strong point. But it is your strong point and marriage is a partnership.

When you made the statement about not making him feel emasculated by you handling the finances, I’m curious as to the origin of that idea.

Has he expressed this to you? Is this the way it is assumed that all the members of your church do it (the man dealing with the finances)? Is this specifically taught by your church? Is this what your family has taught you? Or is this just an assumption on your part that you’ve never really challenged because that is what has prevalent in our culture for so long?

There is no statement in the Bible on which marriage partner SHOULD necessarily handle financial planning and implementation. And, as in the verses provided by Laureth, the Bible does contain examples of women handling this responsibility.

The conclusion I get from the Bible on this issue, as well as many other marriage responsibilities, is that whoever has the most aptitude or talent for a task is the logical partner to handle it.

It’s obvious that you are the most realistic partner in THIS marriage to be handling the delegation of finances (and considering that you’re earning the majority of those finances, thats certainly reasonable)

What other people choose for their marriage is irrelevant. Different people have different talents. Plus, how you and your husband choose to handle this is, frankly, none of their business.

And if the primary reason you continue to allow him to potentially spend you into the poorhouse is because he has told you that it would offend or emasculate him, that’s just pride, plain and simple.

When you think about what the Bible says about the responsibility for husbands loving their wives as Christ did the church (his metaphorical wife) there isn’t much room left for pride in that situation, is there?

If Christ was willing to give up his very life, its pretty small potatoes for your husband to swallow a little of his pride out of his love and responsibility for you, his wife.

And it’s not even that big a deal publicly speaking. No one outside of your marriage will ever know unless either of you choose to tell them.

To me it sounds like a no-brainer that you should be the one handling the finances both logically speaking and Biblically speaking.

But that’s just my opinion based upon reading the Bible and hearing well balanced teaching on the subject of marriage partnership.

You need to see that for yourself. Hopefully some of the resources mentioned will help in this regard and Dave Ramsey has a solid grasp on this.

Another important fact to remember is that both you and your husband have a greater responsibility than coddling his pride. There are children involved and both of you have a tremendous responsibility before God to them.

Its not only providing for their physical needs. Do either of you wish for them to follow in your husband’s footsteps on this subject? Yes, he’s a great guy in a lot of respects but this ia the area of his weakness. He shouldn’t be handling the reins on the issue of finances.

BTW: Ephesians 5:25

Faith and religious belief aside, healthy relationships are not about ascting out a parent/child role when it comes to controlling finances.

I’d say the easiest way to handle this would be to make sure you set a certain amount of savings aside, with the understanding of your husband that it is not to be touched unless in a dire emergency, then…take the remainder of ‘extra’ cash and put it in an account to be shared by the both of you.

Nobody should have to ask for an allowance in a marriage, but, there should be a mutual understanding and agreement as to how most of the family money will be used.

After the savings issue is settled, it then becomes a matter of differences in habits.

Personally I wouldn’t be able to cope with a man that refused to work and spent the money I earned. Sure, if he is doing the Mr. Mom thing, absolutely he deserves credit for that, just as a woman does, but, all in all, I don’t care what anyone says or our ‘modern’ take on house husbands, no man can be truly self respecting if he is coasting on the skirt tails of his wife.

It’s one thing to be the stay at home dad for awhile, but, for your husband to have truly good self esteem he needs to be a man, and being a man means providing and looking out for your family just as much as it does for women.

I’ll admit I don’t know much about the Bible, but when it says God is the provider doesn’t that just mean God makes food, water, and shelter-building supplies? I doubt God will provide you with a camping trip in the Adirondacks with the kids. You have the necessities, so maybe YOU should take control of the non-necessity fund, not God, not your husband. My parents have been happily married for almost thirty years, and my mom still keeps a separate bank account in addition to the one she shares with my dad. You earn the money, you should do what you want with at least 25% of it.

@marinelife Ben Franklin said “God helps those who help themselves,” not the Bible

“well, I didn’t want him to feel emasculated by earning the cash and then deciding how we use it. ” – there is your problem. Many women make this mistake. He’s a grown up, it has nothing to do with being a man, it’s about pulling his weight in a marriage. Also, if God is the one that provides for you both, why do you provide for him?

I haven’t read all the answers, but read Proverbs 31. It’s alright for you to handle the money.
Also, is he also a Christian? If he is, he should be able to understand that God gets the first 10%, Savings gets the second 10%, THEN you start paying your bills and having fun with what’s left.
I heard a concept about debt once that said a Christian should never go into debt for anything that depreciates (Basically, he was saying anything but a house, but that was before this crisis when even houses started depreciating.) The speakers reasoning was, that if God calls you to do something, you would not be available if you were in debt.
If your church does not have a Crown Ministries program consider starting one. It has helped so many people I know really get a handle on their finances and their marriage.

See if this link works. The book is “Discovering The Mind Of A Woman: The Key To Becoming A Strong And Irresistible Husband” by Ken Nair. As far as I am concerned the title and even the book description is a bit off. It is about being sensative to our spouses and not being self centered.

Maybe God provides, but do you think he expects you to sit around waiting for a handout? ‘Cause that’s what you’re talking like. If your husband is wasting money, then it is your job, as a couple, to learn how to handle this problem. God, I gather, wants you to be as good as you can be, and your husband is not working that angle. Your job is to take care of yourselves, and that includes your future. God will provide, but only if you are a good partner, trying to do your best.

If you love your husband, it is your job to help him become a better self. You are not to enable him to continue to waste resources on nothing. If you don’t care enough to care for your husband, then why would God think your future is important? He thinks you are important, but that’s different from your future.

Now, is the husband the head of the home?

It sounds like you’re thinking that if he is the head of the home, then everything he does is something you have to follow, simply because he is the head. I’m kind of wondering if you believe that, why do you think God gave you brains?

None of us are perfect. We all screw up. Jesus came around to help people get past their shame at screwing up (forgiving us), so we can fix the things and become more Godly (or whatever the correct term is).

Your husband is screwing up and to just let it go would be wrong. You have a responsibility to take care of him as if he was a neighbor. If he is hurting himself, and hurting you in the process, you are responsible for making things better.

And yes, you should do it with him. He has to learn about his bad habits, and understand how to change his behavior. You can help him do that even as he maintains his status as head of household. Do not worry about emasculating him. He also has a responsibility to you, and if he thinks that your help is bad, then you have much bigger problems than you think.

He needs to learn to think about the future and about children and houses and retirement. He needs to think about not becoming a burden on others, but about taking care of himself. That’s what a head of household does. If he doesn’t act like the head of household, then it isn’t you that is taking that away from him. He is giving it away by ducking his responsibilities. It is your job to guide him back to doing his job in a respectful and competent way.

@snowberry Please re-read my post. I did not attribute the quote to the Bible.

@marinelife I got that, but since the question says “Please keep it spiritual/bible based,” it would be easy to construe that it came from the Bible. I have noticed that many people think just that.

The husband is the head of the home when he is the one providing for it, why would you let him handle the money when you know that he is completely irresponsible with it.

Thanks all. Very helpful insights (especially Laureth, Season of fall, and snowberry). Really appreciate it. @Marinelife: I like to think of the money as ‘ours’ not ‘mine’... :)
Thanks again.