You need to get it straight in your head that dancing was something you did (PAST TENSE) for a period of time 20 years ago to make a living.
It is not who you are or you’d still be doing it. You did what very few others have managed to do without going back again and again. 20 years ago is clearly in the past.
It might be helpful for you to spend a little time with a therapist. If you’ve truly forgiven yourself for whatever is in your past, it will no longer make you insecure and questioning yourself every time some controlling nitwit wants to throw it up in your face.
Abusive and controlling men ALWAYS put the blame on the other person.
“well if you hadn’t done this then I wouldn’t have (you fill in the blank)”
If he had truly found your past from 20 years ago to be that disturbing, he should never have stayed with you long enough to propose marriage.
Abusers need to find someone to control and it makes controlling someone easier if they have a past that can be looked down upon.
If you have truly forgiven yourself you wouldn’t still be vulnerable when someone tries to shame you with the irrelevancy of a long ago past and you wouldn’t be giving off a vibe of dependency.
It took inner strength for you to leave that behind. You need to get more in touch with your inner strength. Predatory people feed on weakness.
Yes, it will be painful for awhile getting used to being without him. But you don’t need to be with someone who would stoop to calling you a whore and constantly putting you down (for whatever IMAGINED justification he thinks is his right). The past is the past and 20 years is a long time.
You need to focus on building a future with or without another guy. But there are plenty of decent men out there realistic enough to realize how long ago that was and treat you respectfully for who you are (not for what you used to do in the distant past)
You are not a dancer now. But you do need to break the habits of that subservient people-pleasing mentality. 20 years ago it was necessary to get men’s approval and bigger tips or whatever.
Now it’s no longer necessary and is dragging you down.
If you can learn how to (metaphorically) hold your head up high and be proud of the person you are and the changes you’ve made from 20 years ago, I guarantee that you’ll start attracting a better category of men.
Those who would seek to control you by trying to shame you with your past will no longer be attracted to you like a magnet.
There is an interesting quote from Eleanor Roosevelt which you might find thought provoking and see the truth in:
“No one can insult you without your permission.”
If a guy senses that you haven’t forgiven yourself your past, then subconsciously he figures he can throw it up in your face to gain an advantage.
A gentleman wouldn’t stoop to that. A controlling abuser wouldn’t hesitate since it gives him the perfect excuse to avoid responsibility for his own outrageous behavior.
Everybody has a past. And I’ve often heard a very smart woman (Maya Angelou) say: “when you know better, you do better.”
20 years ago you were still a kid and had very little sense of yourself. You chose to make really good money cuz it was convenient and easy but not necessarily the wisest choice. And at some point, you matured a bit and made a more sensible choice. When you knew better, you did better.
I would strongly urge you to invest in yourself and spend time with a therapist so you can be proud of yourself for the positive changes you’ve made in your life instead of being ashamed for the folly of your youth.
You can’t time travel back to the past and undo it. All you can do is leave the past in the past, be proud of yourself and live in integrity and reach out for the happiness you deserve.
If he wants to go to therapy for himself that’s a totally separate issue and I personally would regard it as just empty words until he had at least a year’s worth of commitment to a therapist behind him.
Guys like him don’t normally change. It’s much easier for them to place the blame elsewhere.
Get in touch with your own self esteem for a decent length of time before ever contemplating even speaking to him again.
You just don’t need that kind of toxicity in your life. There are plenty of men who can treasure you for who you are rather than what you used to do.
But you have to believe it yourself first. You need to realize that you are indeed worthy of trust and are entitled to be treated with respect rather than being called a whore.
Go find a therapist who knows how to put you in touch with that. Learn from this unfortunate experience and move on. Find the type of guy you truly deserve.