Has shame over an intimate experience ever kept you from talking to someone you like or love?
I was talking to a friend about something I might call “sleeper’s remorse” and now I’d like to see what the fluther thinks is going on. What I mean by “sleeper’s remorse” is that you are with someone—a friend of the opposite sex—who you’ve been friends with for a long time, and then one night, for whatever reason, you sleep with them. Both of you are single, and free to do what you want.
I suppose it might also be similar to a situation where you have a one-night stand and one person becomes seriously interested in the other during the course of the night. That person then tries to reach out to continue the relationship afterwards.
But the other person (friend or one-night-stand partner) ignores the calls and texts and doesn’t get back to you. A friendship is in jeopardy. Why?
My guess is that it is some kind of shame that keeps the person from returning your calls. But is it? And whether it is or not, how does the thinking go inside the head of the person who doesn’t get back?
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7 Answers
I haven’t; I don’t think I feel much shame about my sexual encounters. It has been done to me, though. What should have been a fun fling with a friend ended a friendship. Sucks.
It’s not shame, shame is a strong word. I think it is that the relationship has just gotten a lot more complicated. The friend has now evolved to a sexual partner, but prior to that there was probably a thought process/evaluation that the friend decided it was friendship and not a romantic relationship. Having sex changes that, and the friendship ends.
For a week or two, yes. I had a friend like that and we slipped up and did it three times. After each time we just wouldn’t talk for a couple weeks, then things would be back to normal.
Had a few friends like this. Things were never the same because they started to feel awkward. They maybe the shame .. I don’t know… tey haven’t talked to me after that.
Yes it’s happened. It wasn’t about shame but about two adults realizing the situation however wonderful in the moments wouldn’t ever become what either wanted for a relationship. The friendship was awkward for some time and there was a lot of avoidance, mostly for one person to not feel they were giving the other the hopes anything more could happen again. I can say now, a few years later that all is well but it took some ironing out, letting go of the hopes they’d change their mind and for the other one to let go of the guilt of having led the first one on.
When things don’t go according to plan, people are forced to make up their minds more quickly than they would like. Some people just need more time than others to make big decisions. The change from a friendship to more than a friendship can be a huge decision, especially when you never expected it to happen.
I think the person who is doing the ignoring is probably very busy making up his or her mind.
I haven’t been in this exact situation, but I have been in the situation of suddenly finding a friendly relationship more than friendly. I am terribly naive about things like that, and I unfortunately did not handle the situation with the most grace. I ignored the person while I made my decision, in staid of talking to them. I didn’t want my choice to be altered by anything that person said. At the time, I thought it would be best if I didn’t lead them on. If I had been there for them, in my opinion at the time, my very presence would have been an agreement with their offer of more than friendship.
You know, this kind of fears and remorses is mostly the footprint that our religious educations has left on us.
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