How did you rebuild your sense of security and self-esteem?

After hitting rock bottom I bounced back up….. It was a case of do or die & I realised after a long hard slog that I’m no quitter. I also realised I was worth something, to me. :-/
The rest is history…..... ;-)

Honestly? I stopped doubting myself so much. I started paying attention to that little voice in my head. The only roadblock was my own apathy.

Learning about and how to do Cognitive Behaviour Therapy armed with all the skills I need to prevent and control potential episodes of serious depression.

I moved out of my parents home into my own apartment and told myself I’d now be able to take better care of myself than they had. It was all work. Work to make enough money to pay the bills, work to stay in college (awhile), work to deal with being lonely and not wanting to be bothered with “dating”.

It was the best thing I could have done for myself though, I have no regrets of raising myself and only wish there had been a few more means. Ever since that time then I’ve always felt I could uproot, drive anywhere and set myself up within a few weeks. Being suddenly poor doesn’t frighten me anymore as it once did because I’ve gone up then down then up then down and all places in between. My life is still very good.

I got a sense of perspective. In Athens, it was terribly hot, dirty, noisy, crowded, and physically very uncomfortable. And yet, I never felt such peace of mind. Some how, the Parthenon presiding over this chaos (a Greek word) made me realize that, indeed, I’m nothing in the huge scheme of things. At the same time, I’m all I have and therefore my life is most important of all to me. What I am is what I have to work with and I am lucky to be who I am.

Got a way from the person who was trying to tear me down. I filed for divorce.

I also left the source of my insecurities. I used other people to build my ego up to its previous inflated status. I dated guys who I knew would shower me with compliments.

After I was back to a semblance of my former self, I began to do yoga. I meditated. I tried to become a better person. I apologized to the people I had used to bring myself out of my rut. I began to try to give more than I took.

I had low self esteem in my youth. Carried it into my first marriage. Went bonkers when I discovered my wife cheating and found myself in a padded cell in a strait jacket.

During my confinement I had a revelation.

I did more harm to myself (with my negative, destructive, self abusive thinking) than anybody I heaped blame upon.

Thus began my ongoing exercise in being responsible for my thoughts through understanding the effect negative thinking has on all aspects of my life.

I didn’t seek to “build or increase self esteem”. Improved sense of self turned out to be an unexpected byproduct through mastering thought…

…as opposed to having thought master me.

@Dutchess_III‘s comment has the most connection to my own experience. By letting people who had helped to erode my self-confidence go from my life. I think if you become more aware of the influence other people can have over the way you feel about yourself, you can start to make more careful choices about those you spend time with. Ultimately we are all responsible for how we feel about ourselves, but other people can certainly play a big part in whether we view ourselves in a positive or negative light.

I got away from a construction company that hired almost elusively ex cons and dopers and dopers who were ex cons and liars and thieves, drunks, and backstabbers and otherwise just shitty people to work with. A couple of the guys were ok. I got treated like the redheaded stepchild all the time and got sick of the abuse finally and one day out on site told the owner to go politely fuck himself. He was in his truck when I did it and I punched the side glass a few times hard next to his head (fucked up my hand a little) and told him to phone the payroll clerk now and there had better be a final check waiting for me when I got there or there will be a shitstorm of biblical proportions. That guy was so shook up he was on that phone doing it.
I gathered up my things and before driving back to the shop i caught a glimpse of myself in the rear view and it was image of someone very strange to me, and ugly. I’m a bottler so I’m told.
I was so glad to be away from that place and the next win came when I out bid them and stole a job from out from under them. I was flying by the seat of my pants for a while doing what I had to, and it was hard but every time It got discouraging all I did was think about those trogs I left behind and never looked back. probably not the best way to part ways.

I have bounced back about 3–4 times in my life that I can recall vividly, putting my finger on exactly when and where the crash took place. The other times were either minor, or have blurred (mercifully) with time.

I think each crash and burn, like every person, is individual and unique. There are, however, some universal truths – as people’s psyche’s are not that different from one another. I don’t want to sound like a Dr. Phil – or prescribe things oft written about in self-help books ad nauseum, but I have found that there are certain mitigating similar factors which indeed had helped me to proverbially bounce back.

Whether it’s personal (divorce, death, loss of a close friend) or professional – one thing to do is to try to be a bit more objective about it. Talk to someone, if only to hear your thoughts out loud. Sometimes we internalize everything and don’t get the proper perpective on things. It might be far less than you imagined. Remember the old saying about the Chinese word for catastrophe and opportunity being one and the same? You should try to look forward and start thinking about what you will gain from this loss – for once the pain has subsided, there will be a gain. Without pain; we do not grow and learn.

If it’s professional, I suggest reading up a bit on the subject of why – why are you in a job that you are not successful at? Why aren’t you doing something about it? Why are surprised about being fired, and why didn’t you up and go before it happened?

Some required reading material would be Rick Ackerly and Sir Ken Robinson.

Ultimately, just as bad things happen to good people, so too do good people find themselves in bad circumstances both personally and professionally. The question is: whatcha gonna do about it?

Bottom line: learn from your mistakes, chin up, grow up and learn.

I also have been following Daloon/Wundayatta for years – and feel better after reading his posts.

[Blush]^^

I keep forgetting that @wundayatta was Daloon…the very first freaking human jelly fish I ever met. He had no pants on, and a map of the world was on his butt.

@Dutchess_III It’s ok. I don’t remember who you once were, either. I mean, I assume you once were someone else because it sounds like you knew Daloon, but I don’t remember a @Dutchess_III from back then.

Of course, there’s a lot I don’t remember from back then, so the blankness of my memory by no means indicates you weren’t there back then.

This is sounding like a chapter from a sequel to ‘Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance’ !
– not at all meaning to trivialize any of the experiences depicted. I think it’s a profound testament to survival instincts that people pick themselves up from shambles, especially emotional wastelands we can get ourselves into. And the shadowy memories we have of the times left behind can be weird and haunting. But there they are, in the past but real, still looking shadowy and haunting every time you glimpse back.

After a divorce a couple decades ago, that undermined a lot of my sense of worth and purpose, one night I found myself behind the wheel of my car having crashed into the attenuation barrels at an offramp. The next few days were an opportunity for some real reflection and I came out of it only with the simplest realization that “I like being alive”.

I also came out of that with a simple power tool that I explain clumsily as “so what”. This helps me when I am obsessed with something bugging me, and feel victimized or frustrated. When I find myself going around and around and around and (you get the picture) I ask myself “so what” and the issues either fall into perspective (it’s not really that important) or I have an internal dialogue fight. One aspect will righteously defend my hurt feelings “what do you mean so what?” and other aspects try to answer the question and come up with what to do next.
It breaks the self-pitying logjam in my mind, because even if I do deserve some sympathy, so what? Might as well do something else that’s fun or productive.

Also only half tongue-in-cheek I ‘celebrate’ Existential Angst Month every August. That time of year just brings that out of me, so I recognize it and witness it, and look around for the answers to “why am I here?”/“what the fuck is this all about?”
When I’m not too full of myself there are always some very good ones close at hand. I sit with those precious gifts and let the mood be what it is.

p.s. I’m also a fan of @wundayatta‘s soul-searching questions, and applaud your courage to get them out there.

Well, @dabbler, that was a great answer, and I thank you for you question fandom, or however one would describe it.