Have you ever attended couples' counseling?

For me the experience was very very good. Helped me learn how to identify and express feelings and know myself better. Didnt do her much good, or the relationship, but it did me a world of good.

It costs a fortune. In my area of the country, about $100 an hour…..and forget the idea of a few sessions. To get anything done, it takes months, at the very very least.

This may not apply to you, but a lot of pastors will do it.

Like Nullo said it can be free.
Experiences vary depending on how much you want to say. Let it all surface can improve your life a bit.

@Nullo It applies, but don’t they only counsel married couples? Plus, we’re living together, and I don’t need a lecture about it.

In my first marriage a couple of times. I have mixed feelings about the effectiveness of the process. It helped us to talk without fighting and as such, it helped us to listen and hear each other’s perspectives. I actually think it can be a good thing to do, and perhaps more effective, if you don’t have any problems but just as a way to learn to communicate more effectively. So to be proactive about your relationship rather than only going when you have problems.

The final (third time) I refused to go. I was at the end of the line I think. The counsellor (apparently) told my ex we would get divorced because I was studying at university (not sure what the hell that was about, but it certainly didn’t help).

The thing I actually found most useful, was learning about the different ways people communicate (extroversion/introversion) because that really had bearing on our relationship. It was never raised in our counselling sessions.

Can’t remember how much it cost.

@Bellatrix You mentioned something I’m worried about: What if they give us poor advice about something, and then my SO agrees with the counselor but I don’t? I don’t want that to be another dividing factor between us.

My ex-husband and I did, twice. Both times were helpful, but in the end, the counseling just wasn’t enough to save our relationship. If I remember correctly, it cost about $85.00 for 50 minutes.

I have. Didn’t work.

@Facade you could explain the situation and tell him to spare the lecture about “marriage was made .. bla bla ”
He should care more about helping you guys solving your problem then just putting God’s law first… I mean he will care about what God is saying but he needs to help or else he doesn’t deserve to preach to a congregation. His call was made to help and spread the word but when one just needs help he should focus on that.
[ you could (first) find preachers who won’t help because they are narrow minded but try and one will definitely help ].

Oh and they counsel married couples and people getting ready for marriage. You could just say you guys want to get marry but want these difficulties fixed before that.

And when you get advice keep an open mind because you or him can be wrong .. one is not perfect so just listen and deal with the issues in time not fast.

It was a long time ago @Facade but like any counselling, the idea isn’t to “give advice”, I think the idea (and I am sure there are people better qualified than I to confirm this) is to explore your problems in a safe, mediated environment. With the two times we went together, I can’t say we were given “wrong” advice and I think it did help, but I don’t know if the fact that we ended up staying together was because of the counselling or just that we had time to calm down and move past whatever it was that was causing the conflict.

I do remember feeling insecure and unsure before we went. You know, like am I going to be judged? Is this person going to take one person’s side over the other and I can’t say that happened during the sessions I attended.

With the third session, my ex went but really I think I was so disconnected from our marriage by then, I couldn’t stand the thought of sitting there with him telling me everything that he perceived as being wrong with me. He told me the counsellor said our marriage was over because I went to university but it sounds now (and then) such a bad thing for a counsellor to say. It goes against everything I understand about relationship counselling. So, perhaps he lied. I really wouldn’t be surprised. He was very threatened about me studying. For the first time in a long time I felt very confident. Perhaps he was trying to erode that growing strength and confidence? I don’t know.

I would definitely try it though @Facade. If you love your partner, it is worth it. It would be much worse I think to not try counselling and for things to get worse or fall apart completely. I hope it works for you.

Pre-marital counseling is good in that it will challenge you to address problems before the fact, things like how you communicate about money, expectations of children and how they will be raised, and how each of you communicate when angry.

We went to it early on about some stuff that had not been cleared up during the engagement, it helped quite a bit.

We went again at the end of our marriage. It was quite toxic by then.

It takes a lot of commitment and discipline, by both parties, to get much out of it. If there is reservation of either party don’t waste your time and money.

Some of the most valuable aspects you can create yourself, mainly know what’s essential for creating a safe space to speak to each other when you’re upset. (e.g. @Bellatrix “talk without fighting” and @zenvelo “communicate when angry”)
And you will thank yourselves every time something upsetting comes up and you find you know how to deal with it without hurting each other in the process.
If you can do that you two can get through any issue with a minimum of pain and maximum of opportunity to grow closer.

You are wise to want to invest in good relationship practice sooner rather than later. God bless!

A long time ago in a relationship far,
far away…....

I attended couples counseling in an effort to get through some challenges.
For me it was a very helpful healing process. You need to be completey open and honest and the first question that each has to answer honestly is “do each of you want all this to succeed and are willing to participate in the process”
Cost was a matter of co-pay, so about $20 US for each session.

My husband and I went to a counselor to help us with our son who is bipolar. it was wreaking havoc on our relationship. He helped us navigate the mental health system and get my son the proper help, but he didn’t really work on our relationship. The best thing for our relationship was having a group of couple friends who shared our values and valued marriage. They kept us accountable.

@Judi That’s a good point. It’s basically just he and I here in NJ, so there’s no one else to bounce ideas off, and we’re basically always together. Little annoyances become bigger than they should be. I think if we were where we wanted to be geographically and financially, things would be better.

@All It’s interesting to see the issues that you guys have mentioned because we don’t have those problems. Our issues are very specific to us as people, and it’s mainly small things and one very big thing we need help with.

My husband and I have had lots of counseling, mostly around how to communicate well and keep the baggage of our past from impacting our relationship. It has done wonders for the quality of our marriage and the things we learned (and are still learning) help us every single day. The main caveat is that both parties have to be ready, willing, and able to work through any issues. My ex wouldn’t even recognize that our relationship had any issues much less be willing to work on them.

I think it’s a really good idea for you if you feel you can both gain something out of it. I never considered couple’s counseling even when leaving my ex because I am pretty good at identifiying what’s wrong and then explaining that to another. I always felt that counselors would have no idea how the two of us work, or how I work, and would suggest cliche band-aid solutions. Of course there may be some counselors who actually function but I do share your fear of it being a dividing factor. Having my mother and I see the same therapist was for us.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir I’m pretty good at it too, but this is my first real relationship, and I’m not always sure of how things should be, so I thought a professional could help. We just need a third, unbiased party.

@Facade Hey, let me come over and I won’t charge. Although, I’m not unbiased.

I’d love that actually. I like your view on things. NJ is just a train ride away =)

@Facade Well that’s true. But on weekends I’d have to bring the kids and you don’t want kids around.

I don’t want bad kids around. Plus, we have our kitty and he’d be scared shitless. Wouldn’t mind coming up there…

@Facade So come this saturday.

My ex husband and I were required to attend Engaged Encounter since we were under 25yrs old when we wanted to marry. We were voted the couple most likely to succeed. When our marriage returned to a platonic best friends relationship then we tried couples counseling which was a bust because of our natural tendency to partner, unite, support and win over whoever we were around. Our counselors couldn’t come up with anything that could explain our situation and we were really crushed since we wanted to “fix” what was wrong and remain the outstanding couple people thought we were.

Sometimes there is no explanation other than you can’t be “The Best” everything to each other.

Yes. My ex husband and I went, at my insistence, for about 6 months. But, I was at the end of the line too. I was very proactive and jumped on the ‘homework’ and other materials they gave us. He just continued to be passive aggressive. We ended up fighting about doing the homework and he found a way to even control that! lol

I went on and did a year of post divorce therapy by myself which was an invaluable experience and very validating as I came to many insights on my own.

My feeling about couples counseling is like cancer.

Go, catch it early, it could save your relationship, wait til stage 4 call divorce hospice care. haha

If both people do not have any personality disorders the odds are better. My ex was a pathological narcissist and highly passive aggressive, any ‘progress’ was suspect as he used it in manipulative ways.

Cost wise, we had good insurance so it was only about $40—$45 a session, but, my therapist post divorce worked with me on a sliding scale after I was no longer on my ex’s health plan.

I’d also add each person MUST be open to feedback, and able to look at themsleves without becoming defensive.

Most marriage counseling focuses on the totality of the relationship, less so on the individual.

I’d recommend individual therapy and couples as well.

The sum total of a relationship is based on the parties involved, and often, couples counseling makes the relationship the focus over the individual.

Sometimes gaping wounds need more than a band aid and hanging an appriciation list on the fridge to check off when you notice your partner made the coffee. lol

I think individual therapy is a must for many along with couples therapy.

I think my wife and I have been in counseling for three years now. I’m done, but she wants to keep going back for “tune-ups.” I think we are charged $120 per session and we get an hour. Insurance pays maybe $40 back to us.

He was helpful in getting us to feel safe to bring up the things that were bothering us. We would dredge up stuff, and talk about where it comes from, and then he’d try to help us figure out how we could meet both of our needs.

He wouldn’t let either of us dominate. He wouldn’t let us interrupt the other. We got to have our say fully. This was very important for me because my wife could be very defensive. She had to learn how to give me the space to express myself.

Our main problem was a lack of “connection.” I think that is an all-purpose word that stands for trust, communication, love and magic. It’s a feeling, and it’s hard to know what it is made of.

My problem was a lack of sex, which is the chief way in which I experience “connection.” Since I’d been cheating, my wife got scared that I might truly leave, so I think it scared her into having more sex with me, but of course, that wasn’t really what I wanted. I wanted her to want me, not to feel scared or obligated into doing something.

I was astonished that my wife was afraid I’d leave. I thought she’d be happy to see the last of me. Clearly she wanted me more than I was aware of, although she didn’t express it in a way I could understand.

Alas, three years later, things are not a whole lot different in one way, although we’ve learned a lot. We have a connection, but it’s not a passionate one and it doesn’t feel like what I’m looking for. I feel loved, and I hope she does, too. I feel distant, though. I feel like we work well together, and that is a valuable thing. We have great children and that is valuable. We care a great deal for each other, too. There’s a lot going for us.

Still, I’m not feeling it. Sometimes I wish she would leave me alone. But mostly I wish I had that passion that would let me want to be with her; seek her out; want to know what’s going on in her head. This is not how I imagined marriage would be, but it’s 21 years later, and there’s an awful lot of momentum going for us, and a hell of a lot of damage to expect if we crash on some rock, just because my soul is not fulfilled.

Without the fulfillment of your soul, what do you have?

A marriage. A family. A relationship. A house. A comfortable way of living. Maybe even the possibility of soul fulfillment some day.

But you are right. I don’t know if I can live without that.