Can you provide me with some wise advice about this teenage daughter situation?

Is he like this because he is spoiled or neglected?

I don’t know. I doubt he’s spoiled. Probably neglected, but really don’t have a lot of info like that.

My daughter is eleven so I guess I have all this to come. It’s probably a toss up between allowing your kids to grow up & learn from their mistakes/experiences & wanting to punch some spunkbubble snot nose kid in the face who messes with your “little girl.”
It’s a tough choice! ;¬}

Have you tried asking her why she likes this boy so much?

Mostly I’m worried about her losing her virginity to a real asshole at such a young age. He’d be her first boyfriend and I’d highly prefer she doesn’t form a super negative opinion about relationships immediately. I realize I can’t totally control that, but feel it’s my responsibility as a parent to protect her from a delinquent.

Regarding why she likes him, it’s just because she likes him. He seems cool to her, and has nice muscles, shit like that. The confidence he has that gets him arrested might be appealing. I wish I could answer that question better. My wife could.

If you cut her off from him, she might be even more intrigued than before. Short of grounding her, the only way I can think of is to have a frank conversation about the boy’s character. Take the “mystery” out of his persona, and expose him for the creep he really is.

@rOs We’ve done that. We honestly have. I know I can’t just say “no seeing him, ever!” without negative consequences. At least I can’t do that very often as a parent. One thing I’ve learned is you have to gradually release control so you can maintain some when it’s important.

If you completely cut her off from him, she will try harder to see him and she’ll get hella sneaky. That’s what I did. Tell her she can get to know him at your house. Under your supervision. Let her know that if she disrespects your trust and sneaks over to his house, or out at night to see him, she gets to stay home with you and watch documentaries or something. Also, sit down and have a sex talk with her. Even if you have already. Tell her that kids claims to have had sex with other girls and guys who run around doing that at that age are major douchebags. Also, ask her to think about why he went to juvie, and what kind of weirdo lights fires at the bus stop. Tell her to think long and hard about what he might do if he ever got mad at her and tell her to ask herself if that’s the kind of person she wants to spend time with.

sigh You’ve basically nailed exactly where we are at. I don’t know how I feel about saying he can come hang out over here, but it has crossed my mind. Certainly if he ever knocked on my door I’d take him for a walk and ask him a lot of questions.

@cockswain ain’t nothin wrong with that. That can be part of the agreement. He has to talk to you first. If he doesn’t agree to, or want to, then he really doesn’t like your daughter. (another handy thing to point out to her)

@redfeather Good point. I like that one.

Relationships between 13 year olds don’t last very long. I’d say keep an eye on it and set firm boundaries, but let it play out. She will learn her lesson on her own and choose nice guys in the future.

I think it’s a subtle difference, but it would be better if you showed her why he’s not a good fit instead of telling her why he’s bad news.

She’s 13 and probably not ready to go out with him solo anyway, have her invite him over to do something she enjoys, with the understanding you and your family will be there as well.

If she loves watching movies, have her invite him over to watch a movie with you guys, let them take as long as they want as long as you’re all in the same room. Make an afternoon of it.

The truth is that teenage guys simply aren’t that smooth. If he’s trying to date her and her friend, or is just looking for someone who’s easy to make out with, then 2 hours with the fam will prove too much. If he keeps having to check his phone and it’s her friend, that will be more telling than making him some unattainable bad boy her daddy doesn’t approve of.

Then afterwards, talk to her about the things you’ve noticed and the things she likes about him. Help her see the things you do with examples from the time together, teach her now while it’s still somewhat acceptable for you to be right there. That way you’re not making vague judgements, you’re pointing out concrete examples of what you saw.

Later on it will just be her and she’ll need to make those observations and decisions on her own.

@funkdaddy Great answer. As appalling as it sounds to have this shit in my house, perhaps this is a wise path.

Can you send her to her grandmother’s house for a month? You can’t tell her it is to separate her from this boy, but it will hopefully distract her. But, that probably isn’t feasible I am thinking.

Losing her virginity is only a danger because she might get very attached and put up with a lot of bullshit and get hurt. And, the obviously God forbid STD’s and pregnancy. And, some regret. But, I would not worry so much about it having a long term negative impact about sex and relationships necessarily. I think usually at age 13 most girls are not willing to have sex yet.

Right now I think she is in competition with her friends, you said a friend of hers dated him. Also he had been pursuing her, and he stopped, so now she is hoping to get his attention back, so she can feel pretty and powerful again. Do everything you can to help her feel good about herself so she does not seek it from him.

Do everything you can to help her feel good about herself so she does not seek it from him

Great advice, and very insightful about the power issues. I was glad when I saw you were answering this question.

We are sending her to stay with each grandparent for a week or two, and we know we can’t let her know that the main motivation is to keep her away from the boy. She hasn’t actually done anything wrong, so we’d be unjustly punishing her for no crime. We told her that it’s because we don’t want her to feel bored and cooped up in the house while we’re at work (my wife works mostly from home, but our daughter would be unsupervised a couple days a week. Her rules are to stay in the house while we’re gone. This is the rule we’re worried she’ll violate with him.)

Pregnancy is our greatest fear. Maybe not very likely, but the possibility and the potential fallout are driving us to take precautions.

Try to introduce her to more eligible guys. (A bird in the hand, etc.)

Be a parent and just so NO,,,not while my heart is still beating you will NOT pursue this boy! Put consequences on her contacting or having anything to do with him as in no Facebook if she does and enforce your wishes…no if’s and’s or but’s. I would not fully exclude this boy from her life as she will do things the behind your back. Just put enforceable limits like no dates or personal contact via Facebook or otherwise. I would not limit texting as I do think in time kids do wise up to the not so good antics of trouble makers.

Oh boy.. I feel for ya. She sounds just like I was when i was a kid. I suggest you get to know the kid and really question her about why she feels that way towards him. Just communicate with her and don’t be afraid to stick to your guns. Best wishes to you. I hope she realizes that she doesn’t need guys like that.

Thanks, @KatetheGreat

Oh, I feel for you! lol

I was lucky, my daughter was kind if a late bloomer with boys and I adore her current boyfriend. Of course she is 23 now, not 13.

At 13 we just argued over hair and makeup, it was pretty tame.

I used to tell my daughter when she was younger that the day would come where I made some unpopular decisions and she wasn’t going to like it, she was forewarned. haha

I agree with talking this kid for a little ‘walk’ around the block, I’d put the fear of Satan into him. You being Satan! lol

I’d tell him if my daughter shed ONE tear over anything he did, he’d better keep an eye out over his shoulder.

Of course I am not advocating anything truly of a questionable nature, but, surely you can outsmart a 13 yr. old. Lets hope anyway. Tell him if he dates your daughter you expect him to go to church with the family every Sunday. haha

I betcha with the right ‘influence’ HE will lose interest in your daughter.

Here’s a good ploy for future dating, one a friend used once upon a time. It was great!

You ‘charge’ the kid a ‘deposit’ to take your daughter out, say, $20 bucks…and, if he’s late getting her home, he forfeits the cash. Easy curfew barter there. haha

I think a visit to the grand folks is a good idea and maybe, you can have a little chat with that kid while she’s away. ;-)

I went thru the same thing with my daughter. She said she wanted to be a good influence on him. She wasn’t. He ended up trying to rape her, and sent her life into a spiral from which she took years to recover.

Holy crap. How old were they?

I’d talk to the boy, you know to get the straight dope from him about his past and his intentions. Approach him with an open mind. Talk to your daughter afterwards about your thoughts. I dunno.

I’m with @redfeather on this one. But maybe you can get her interested in another boy to help her get over this one? And find out what it is she likes about this one in a non-judgmental way. If it’s any consolation, tons and tons of kids lie about having sex, playing strip poker…. He may be playing up just how bad he is, although he still doesn’t sound like a keeper or anything. Maybe she’ll become friends with the guy on Facebook and find out she doesn’t like him; I once had a giant crush on a guy (round the same age) right up until we exchanged more than 2 words, and I found out he felt women should stay in the kitchen.

I agree with those that say to allow your daughter to invite the guy over while you are home. I was seeing a ‘bad boy’ when I was a few years older than your daughter. Observing the 180 degree change in character while in front of my parents pretty much sealed the deal on not taking him too seriously. The parents knew well enough not to try to prevent or break up the relationship.

Once it was over, it was a different matter, at least in Mom’s case. One day, she said, “SOB called.” Since she had never uttered a curse word, as far as I knew, the reaction was shock. I asked her what she meant. “Sneaky Ol’ Brian called.” was her reply.

I think @redfeather nailed it. If you try to stop her, you will only make her more determined. She has to realise for herself this guy is a loser. Learning that in a situation where you have some control would be my preference. If you try to stop her, she will probably go behind your back and meet with him anyway. As others have said, I feel for you. I think parenting is the hardest job any of us ever have to do and when they get past the point where we don’t have any control, we are pretty much in the place where we have to hope that the guidance and values we have tried to instil come into play.

Keep the communication channels open. Anything you can do to keep her talking to you and listening to you will pay off in spades. If she does stuff up, knowing you were there on her side and trusting her to make the right choices will mean she can come to you for a hug and to support her while she heals. Hopefully, he will have someone else in his sights soon.

My daughter’s first crush was magnitudes worse than the guy your girl is interested in. I won’t go into it because he’s such a train wreck that she would be made identifiable.But it started as an internet thing.

Anyway, we thought she’d always shown good judgment, and so I stood behind her decision to meet the guy in person.Her mom arranged to be nearby. My daughter approached the meeting with high hopes but a jackass can only suppress his braying for so long. She broke it off quickly – although she did leave some of the family members who had tried to tell what to do unaware of developments – and twisting in the wind.

How funny that you are going to send her to her grandparents! :)

So many different answers and approaches within these answers. I have to say I don’t necessarily disagree or agree with any of them. Don’t make a big deal of it or she might spite you more, just put your foot down as dad and insist she not contact him, threaten the guy within an inch of his life, invite him over under your supervision, I mean all of them have their rationale for sure.

About the pregnancy. Assuming you are pro-abortion, I don’t remember if you are or not, but if you are, my mom used to tell me if I got pregnant she would drag me tl the abortion line. That scared the crap out of me, because I was afraid of the procedure. So, if the topic of sex and pregnancy comes up, you could go that route. Not sure it would affect her the same way as me. I did tell my mom after I lost virginity amd she got me the pill.

Sorry I’m just about to run out to the store so I haven’t yet read everyone else’s response, but at first glance I would sit her down and have a semi-serious (non accusatory) conversation with her and say something like, “Dawn, I know that you are kind of interested in this kid Roger. I’m just curious as to why you think you like him. To me, I would think that he would be the kind of person you would steer clear of and this is why. He claims to have had sex with multiple girls. This may or may not be true. If it’s true, that makes him a big player who most likely doesn’t care about or love the girls he’s slept with and that kind of scares me and hurts my heart at the same time. And the fact that he’s only 13 worries me even more. Most, and I’ll go out on a limb here, dear, is that probably99.9% of 13 year old boys do not have much of an idea about what sex is really all about. He’s a boy, not a man. And just because he’s physically able to have sex with a girl, does not mean that he’s emotionally capable of handling the resonsibilies and repercussions of having sex at such a young age. It really makes me kind of sad to think that he would be willing to just jump into bed with so many girls and not think twice about it. I do not want you to become one of those girls that ends up being one of his “conquests” or “statistics.” You are a human being, and I love you so much that it would kill me to think that you might be tempted by this young man, who has no interest in respect or love. He’s just in it for the few seconds of physical pleasure that it gives him. And it probably makes him feel very macho and self satisfied to know that all of these girls just fall all over themselves around him. It kind of hurts me and worries me to think that you would be interested in a boy who has messed up so much in his life that’s he’s been in juvvie, and you already know that he sleeps around, you know that’s not how a decent 13 year old boy should act. Can you tell me why you are interested in him? I just need to know more about where you are coming from, because this whole situation makes me very uncomfortable. I would think that you would eventually like to meet a decent young man and fall in love. This is not how a decent young man acts. I think you have an odd attraction to this boy and I’m trying to figure it out, and that make me very nervous and it also makes me worried that somehow you aren’t seeing the potential trouble and harm this boy could bring into your life. I get that you think he is probably cute or exciting, but you need to learn to look at the whole of a person, and see how they act and how they treat other people. Relationships are not just about looks and exciting mystery. They are about people who genuinely like each other and respect each other. Do you think this boy actually respects all of those other girls that he slept with?

Ask her lots of questions and don’t accept any yes, no or I don’t know answers. Let her tell you exactly what she thinks and feels about this boy. Let her finish her sentences, but add in the “reality of the situation” whenever she says something about this kids that is clearly way off base (or that suggests that she’s in passionate la la land over this kid).

Then say to her, “I really don’t want you to be socializing with this kid, and I don’t want you to go behind my back, either, because I don’t want to lose my trust in you. But what I am willing to do, is meet his parents and him and have a talk with them, so that I can get my own information and ideas about him and then we might be able to re-visit this subject. But you will not be allowed to date him, or Facebook with him until I meet him and his parents and make a decision about it.”

Acccck! The Phone rang while I was in the middle of this response, sorry it took so long to post.

If my dad gave me that long spiel about sex and boys using girls and on and on at the age of 13 my eyes would have glazed over. Also, all parents are telling theor kids not to have sex, but there are kids having sex, and all the teens are talking about sex, so some long winded lecture about having sex or not having sex just sounds like another old fuddy duddy grown up. Or, it would have to me. At 13 I would not have really understood a guy is just trying to use me, I would not understand the ramifications. I did understand being nervous about having sex, because it was so ething I had never done, and that my parents wanted me to wait until I was with someone for a while who I thought I would be with long term.

Also, if my dad asked me a lot of questions I would probably answer with a lot of “I don’t know” because I am not going to tell my dad I feel horny when I think about the guy, and I probably don’t understand myself exactly what drives me to pursue him because I am only 13 and all this boy stuff is new to me.

The thing that you do have in your favor in this @cockswain, is that it sounds like you and her mother have a good line of communication going with your daughter. But I have to say I would never pretend to like something I didn’t when it comes to what is acceptable and what isn’t acceptable to a child living under my roof. Especially at the age of 13.

That is such a tough age for the child and the parent. Their hormones are starting to rage, they are interested in boys and peer pressure abounds. Parents want to hold on and let go, trust and protect. It is tough. I never wanted to be my children’s friends. I was their parent. I have to say I was tough.

I lost a husband and two little children in a tragic accident. Years later, I adopted two children and had a very, very hard time trying not to be too protective, sheltering or strict. I know firsthand you can’t protect children from everything. You can do your very best and be very vigilent and bad things still happen.

But, I’m glad I was still the parent with my “adopted” children. They turned out fine by the grace of God and despite me. They always knew where I stood and they knew I wasn’t playing some sort of mind game with them. The rules were the rules. Did they break them? Of course they did. Times that I knew about and times that I didn’t know they broke the rules.

I always dealt with things on a case-by-case basis but generally adhered to the rules. I wanted them to have standards and boundaries to learn right from wrong. If I didn’t set them and show them by example, they wouldn’t have them now.

I’d just have to be honest with her and explain why I was worried about her developing a friendship with this kid. It gives me lots of faith in humankind to know you are worried about your little girl. You are a good daddy and it will work out. Just now this truth. This too shall pass. And when it does, she’ll have her driver’s license. Good luck buddy.

I don’t think it is always about being friends or not with your kids, although I do understand why people mention it. Sometimes it is trying to walk the fine line of not saying a definite no because they might try even harder out of spite to defy you. It depends on the child’s personality I think.

It is A-OK to simply forbid her to see or talk to him. It is also A-OK to keep a 13 year old off of Facebook. I did have a very similar thing happen with my older daughter. I told her she would not be around a certain guy other than at school, nor would she speak with him on the phone. She tried. She was sent to stay with her father for a month which was much worse than grounding would have been. She felt like she was in prison. She grew up just fine and the guy, well, he’s spending 20 years behind bars at the present.

Too busy to write much now, but thanks to all for the kind words and solid advice. I really appreciate it.

@cockswain 6th grade.

That’s absolutely horrendous. I’m really sorry that happened to her.

Wow, @filmfann. I am sorry that you had to go through that. What happened to your daughter is a nightmare to me. I can’t imagine. I hope everyone is doing okay. I don’t know what to say.