Privacy question between boyfriend and girlfriend.

I believe in trust in all things.

@YARNLADY I sincerely appreciate you composing a response…but I don’t get it.

If what your gf found is as you describe then that’s in the realm of pretty harmless. Now if she had found texts to your ex gf asking the ex gf what so great about new guy in comparison to you, that would be something to allude to you wanting to be esteemed by the ex.

Is it worse she went through you phone than what she found or interpreted? In a way, Yes. In my experiences, when you feel so curious as to go through someone’s phone, you already think there’s something they’re doing behind your back. Also in my experiences, suspicions are usually right.

Put details of the texts aside and ask your current gf why she feels insecure in with you. Examine yourself to answer if you’ve given new gf real reasons to feel insecure.

I think in your particular case, by going through your phone she expressed high insecurity and a lack of trust in you.
I think the question you texted to your friend is not at all inappropriate. She again expresses a lack of trust by believing that the question was malevolent in any way, rather than trusting that you had an innocent reason for asking.
Ideally, she would trust you enough not to get so worked up over something so little. If you really haven’t done anything to raise reasonable suspicions, then she may have some trust issues. But also keep in mind that a trust issue might be a defense mechanism that she employs because she has been betrayed in the past and expects the same thing to happen again. It’s not necessarily disrespect for you; it might just be a small neurose that she had. It’s probably a painful thing for her to be going through.

There seem to be many factors to consider when it comes to this specific situation.
* Did the current girlfriend have permission to use your phone? If so, did it include reading texts?
* Does the current girlfriend have trust issues? What were her past dating experiences like?
* Why do you feel the need to ask a friend what your ex-girlfriend’s boyfriend is like? Yes, you said that you want to compare him to you, but why?
* If your girlfriend had heard that you asked your friend this question instead of reading it in a text message on your phone and confronted you about it, would it make a difference?

If you are open to answering these questions, it might help us in better understanding how to respond.

Sounds like a bunch of insecure teenage drama to me.

Why is your current girlfriend going through your phone? Why do you care who your ex is with now and what sort of guy he is? Who cares? It no longer matters, unless you still want your ex. Are you clear on that score? I’m sorry your girlfriend is insecure enough to think that the dudes she dates will inevitably do her dirty unless she’s watching them like hawks. How sad. Relationships are supposed to be content a great deal of the time.

You both need to sit down, talk, figure out what you really want from each other and figure out if you can give her what she wants and vice versa. If you still want your ex, end this thing and deal with that. If she can’t stop checking up on you like Ed Rooney sweating Ferris Bueller, then end this thing and let her deal with that.

@JHUstudent Trust regardless whether one is looking through the other’s things. Both partners willing share everything, in trust that they are each worthy.

A privacy question, so you post it to the Internet at large. :P

Trust is good, but so is transparency. Once earned, you shouldn’t go around doing things that could jeopardize that trust.

One wrong action can’t justify another wrong action. However, wanting to know about your ex-girlfriend’s current boyfriend isn’t wrong. Silly and a little immature, yes. Wrong, no.
On the other hand, invading your privacy is wrong. Even if you had been cheating on her, it would still be wrong for her to check your cell phone.

You both seem insecure. I wouldn’t go around throwing stones in your glass house.

However, if you are looking for an excuse to break up an unhappy relationship, you now have a good one.

There is never an excuse to go through someone else’s phone. Never! I think I would dump this girl immediately. She shows she has no trust and also that she will stop at nothing to dig into your business. You are girlfriend and boyfriend; not in each other’s minds. Even if you were married, there is no excuse for this.

This is a huge red flag about the character of your gf. You are going to be experiencing an awful lot of drama if you stay with her, and it will end badly, anyway. She needs help. Like a therapist. She has serious trust and control issues. Bad news. Stay away!

@wundayatta – I would go berserk if my gf went through my phone. I agree with you 100%

You can trust your SO and still maintain privacy in a relationship. It’s the healthy thing to do.

I’ve NEVER known a healthy couple to go through ALL of each others’ business. It’s downright creepy. There is NO reason to go through your SO’s personal stuff unless you a) think something is going on or b) you’re insecure. Those who claim “I do it because I luuvvvvv him” are probably secretly insecure and just want to keep tabs. I cringe when I hear about SO’s sharing passwords to EVERYTHING in their lives. Really, it gives me the willies. Not only is it disastrous when/if the relationship ends but it’s unhealthy to NOT have friendships and interactions with others that do not involve your SO. It’s not about being secretive or deceitful, because you’re still open. You’re just entitled to your own privacy. People need it and history shows that without that privacy, they feel smothered and resentful.

That being said, I think your girlfriend is being insecure and that’s why she went through your phone. You need to talk to her about this. If her insecurities don’t improve, I would leave her because it’s only going to get worse.

It’s normal to be insecure if you actually feel that your SO is cheating/whatever and he is or has a past of it. It sounds like she is just being paranoid. Lots of girls are like her and it’s a NIGHTMARE for guys because these girls are NEVER satisfied.