You are reunited with the love of your life. What happens to each person's respective relationships?

Here’s the thing. I did once have a love like that, and screwed it up, and ended up having to move on. I’m married now to someone else, and I actually think this guy is a far better match for me than my “lost love” would have been – it just took me growing up to realize that.

But to answer your question, say Loverboy sent me a message on Facebook or something, I think I’d be happy to hear from him and see what his life is like, but I don’t know if I’d talk to him much past that. Part of what I do for my current relationship is to not let myself get in harm’s way like that. If you don’t allow yourself to get into a situation where you might be tempted, it’s not as much of an issue.

However, again, in the spirit of answering your question… if I were the sort to entertain that notion from Loverboy, then my husband can’t mean very much to me, can he? If I set myself up for failure in my marriage by travelling to see Loverboy, then it’s clear that Loverboy is my priority, husband be damned. I think I can see where that would end.

In short, nice to see Loverboy is well, thanks, I love Mr. Laureth, kthxbye. ;)

From my persective at 61 years of age and 28 years of marriage, to the same woman,

1. Are you married or engaged? If so, forget this. You have made a commitment to someone with whom you have established an emotional and legal bond. You must not take this commitment lightly, breaking up a marriage is serious business that immeasureably hurts people.
If you have children, go pull the plug on your brain and flush all of these ideas down the toilet.

2. Are you single and relatively unattached? Do you want to pursue a long-distance relationship? They are hard to maintain, I had a Minneapolis – New York City relationship going with someone and traveling every other weekend for 2½ hours on a plane, along with travel time and being away from home so often got stale very quickly. We could not work this out, Ph,D program vs. unique job in a specialized field and the relationship began to wither and die.

If you have no encumbrances, give it a shot. There was one college relationship I would have
liked to re-kindle but when I located her some ten years later, it was too late, she was engaged and not willing to jeopardize her engagement.

BUT be aware of something called the “HALO EFFECT”. It is kind of like a sudden infatuation. You met this person somehow once again. You see him and your eyes light up and your brain, along with your hormones, goes into overdrive. You remember the magic moments of years ago and you want to re-connect, so you declare your everlasting love. You see her as an angel (let’s assume you are a male) and you want to go back to those care-free loving days,
But the Halo effect is deceiving and what you see is not what you are going to get.

Remember that if you get together with her, both of you have changed, and you are betting on the fact that this might work again. So think long and hard about this, about what you might give up, think about the logistics of the situation and think about who might be hurt by your doing this.

SRM

If it were me, and I really wanted to be with that old-flame, I would break up my current relationship before moving into the next. (This is all hypothetical, I’m very happily married.) I would never cheat on my SO.

This is all hypothetical so… if my lost love came back to me, and I am thinking about a specific person here… well, I’m not in a relationship now so there would be no issues on my end but he is married, I believe, for over ten years and I would tell him that he either needs to fix whatever is wrong with his marriage, his relationship that’s got him thinking about other woman, or take care of that and end it like a man because I’m not interested as long as he’s married. Though, recently, at a college reunion, I learned that one man I was crazy about, a long, long time ago, not a fellow student but a mutual friend of someone I went to college with, turned out to be a batterer so I’m pretty glad that one didn’t work out. So, who knows. If the scenario doesn’t include all the baggage and water under the bridge and all the other stuff that happens and all the other ways in which people and things change over time, I would love it, except for that having a wife thing he’s got going on.

A similar situation happened to me. I ran into the guy I dated all through high school but we had broken up for reasons I no longer could remember. I had just gone through a divorce and he was going through one too. After dating for a few months, I remembered why we had broken up all those years ago. He was an ass then and was still an ass.

This happened to me a long time ago. I was re-united with my old high school boyfriend. It was still “there”...all of it. He had children in high school was not that happily married…I was single. His sister was the one who “found” me and during a year when I was transferred to my hometown, I ended up spending a lot of time with her, hence him, too. It was difficult because he was not hiding his feelings and he came out and finally just told me. Honestly, I still felt so happy around him, and he did around me, too. It was as if both of us were frozen in time. He had broken up with me as he had gone off to university and I was two years younger. Even his mother took me aside and said that she couldn’t believe how giddy he was when we all got together. Nothing happened because I didn’t allow it. I remembered how my heart had been broken by someone and did not want to do the same to his wife. I saw his children and thought, “Nope…can’t.” I thought to myself, though, and I’m being honest here….when his children are grown and if he ever leaves his wife, I will contact him. But now, I am not even sure I would do that, as I have moved on (his children are grown and now I live on the other side of the world, thankfully.) I was very tempted, though. There have been other important “past loves” and important people in my life that I met and fell in love with when I was younger that I wonder….“what if”?

I think it really depends on the circumstances….are you simply “dating” someone at the moment? Or are you married? Is she/he married/dating? More facts, please. Because I am a hopeless romantic, I would say, “Go for it”...if the entanglements both of you are in are unsuitable and depending on how many lives would be disturbed. If there are marriages involved and children…I would tread very, very carefully. It could be devastating. However, I have to say that an old love transformed into a really great friendship could work, too, if you could alchemically change what you have into a different way of loving each other. Not that there are different loves…there really is only one love. I suppose I mean if you can express that love to each other in a (higher) way that still honors what you both have with others. (Tricky, but possible.)

But first of all, I think you need to meet before you even begin to contemplate tanking whatever it is you both already have, don’t you think?

Meanwhile…please…go to this website with Dr Nancy Kalish who deals primarily with this subject of “Lost Love Found” and wrote two books on it. She also counsels people and has a forum you can join to get support. link

I am happy for you….but with some reservations….be careful.

P.S. For anyone reading this, who has wondered what ever happened to the guy/girl you loved in seventh grade or high school….if you go to Dr Kalish’ website…she has some amazing stories and photos of couples reunited…it does tug at your heart. <sigh>

I had this experience about 7 years ago.

After a divorce my choice from a long term marriage I looked up my old high school, first love, lust. I was 16 at the time, he was 20. We had an on again-off again thing for several years until he moved to L.A. for work and I ended up marrying someone else a couple years later.

We saw each other once, a few years after I was married in a casual, mutual friends get together. He was curious about my life and husband, and I still felt extreme attraction for him, but crossing any lines was not an option.

Anyhow, I looked up his folks about a year and a half after my divorce and they were thrilled to hear from me after almost 22 years! They passed on my number and he called me the next day, and, well….it was an encore performance of love, lust, mutual attraction still extremely strong, great fun for the next 2 year, but, also a long distance thing, being an hour and 15 minutes apart.
We parted again due to the lifestyle differences me, die hard country girl, he, city boy and work in the city, along with helping out his elderly folks a lot these days.

We are still very close friends and there is nothing he wouldn’t do for me, but, alas, maturity and enlightenment trumps the fairytale ending. lol

@chyna…..I loved your answer! LOL That happens, too!

@DarlingRhadamanthus I am not married. Currently speaking to several wonderful women, at least one of whom I might consider for something serious.

She has her maiden name, is encouraging for me to visit, but very vague as to a specific date…

@Imadethisupwithnoforethought Then you need to get specific. Tell her you have a three day weekend coming up on a certain date and before making reservations, want to make sure that weekend is good for her.

I don’t have any such person. Maybe that’s why I’m excited right now, feeling like I have met the love of my life, the one who also has me believing I’m the love of his.
Nothing beats a partner who lives up to their hype and has follow through.

@Imadethisupwithnoforethought

Since you are unattached, I would encourage you to go for it. I have many instances in my past that could have worked out better or differently if I had had the balls to follow through on something.

On the other hand, as I said I have been married for 28 years. My wife was well-known in her industry at the time we met and she did not want to take my last name when we were married. So she is still known by her maiden name even though she left that field when our first child was born 26 years ago. So use of her maiden name is a good but not perfect indicator of her marital status.

The biggest piece of advice I would give you is not to get your hopes up too much. I don’t think these reconnections with old loves work as well as most of us would like to believe. Especially if you went out with her in high school when you were both completely different people than you are now.

In 200 BC the Roman author Terence said, “Fortes Fortuna Adiuvat”. It translates as “Fortune favors the bold”. In other words unless you make an attempt to accomplish something, you will accomplish nothing.

So exercise caution but give it a try. Good luck
SRM

It’s a long story. I realized I wasn’t happy in my marriage, and deeply regretted not sticking with the old connection. It was too late, though, as she was engaged, and I needed to repair what I’d gotten myself into. After I gave up trying with the now-disinterested old connection, I understood that the feelings I had for her were mine and could be applied to another relationship.

I still wish I had gone all-out for the first connection, as soon as possible, rather than having waited. Having a “love of my life” uncompleted probably spelled doom for any other relationship until I cleared that up.

I was just reunited with my mother after 25 years of adoption. My life with my adoptive family is falling apart at the same time, but my real family is here to catch me.

Seems they don’t like the fact that my reunion was good. :(

I agree with @srmorgan…Go for it.

However, if she is being “vague” then I would be careful. I think you need to come out and ask her if she is attached. I will say something, though…even if she is “attached” that may not mean that she is happy. I can’t tell you how many women friends I have who are in miserable marriages but still attempting to work at it for the “sake of the children.” So, don’t discount her completely until you hear her whole story. If she is “vague” I am venturing to guess that she is embarrassed to tell you that she (possibly) made an awful marriage and is still in it…and is hoping that you will overlook that long enough to connect with her in some way. There is so much “judgment” around married women (thanks to shows like “Desperate Housewives”) that I know it might be hard for her to tell you the truth about her situation. (Don’t discount other things she may be reluctant to tell you for being judged… that she is transsexual, transgendered, a nun, a Real Housewife of Beverly Hills, a cast member of “Cats”, a former lover of Tiger Woods, the first recipient of a text message from Congressman Weiner.) Be prepared and be accepting.

You don’t know what role you are to play in her life….if it is just some bit of nostalgia, if you are going to be a shoulder to cry on as an old friend…or simply spending a bit of time reminiscing. Or more. I would be open but without inflated expectations….that might work for the best until you know more.

@Neizvestnaya….LOL! I also have this feeling of excitement for @Imadethisupwithnoforethought…..! I love a good story with a happy ending.

You are going to keep us posted, I hope???

@zaku…I have to agree with you…when you have unfinished business with someone like that…it does seep into your other relationships. I think that @Imadethisupwithnoforethought needs to do something….to either put this to rest forever or simply get the brass ring once and for all.

@DarlingRhadmanthus: A few years ago I met “The Love of My Life” and put in motion to change my life to make one alongside him. Wowza, what a surprise to have such a big buildup of so many things that fit, meshed and felt amplified only for it to seem like a big joke just a short time later.

Because of that experience, I must have turned this current man of mine inside and out at least twice and put him off a year when he first talked marriage because I wanted to watch him in good times and bad, wanted him to show me up front what he was willing to change in his life in order to become the partner he said he was sure he could be.

If I was to reunited with that other guy who yanked my chain so hard? I’d give him the stinkeye, having already given him several years and several opportunities to be a man and give me a explanation.

I could never go back to that person. Because I have changed, and I imagine that so has he. I got over him, because I had to get over him. So if he came along after many years and confessed that he still loved me, or had loved me all along, I’d have to tell him that I no longer feel that way. I prefer to leave the past in the past.

I did have something kind of like this happen to me, and thankfully I was completely and totally over him when he called me. He did a real emotional number on me, but I walked forward and I could never walk back.

@Neizvestnaya and @Kardamom….... I think both of you were stellar in doing what you did….and handling the situations you were presented with…good inner work and outer resolve!

I would certainly go for it. If I found a lost love today, I would drop everything and go to him tomorrow. Or, for God’s sake, tonight. I’m sure that if the women you are talking to are so wonderful, they will understand. But then, I’ve never been very practical. Romantic to my very bones.

If I found the love of my life but she was already in a relationship, I wouldn’t go for it. Last time I homewrecked a relationship (she probably fell under the category love of my life but some else is her love), it came back and bit me in the ass, hard. I think I’d just go with “if you truly love someone, sometimes it’s better to just let go.”

There can be more than one love in a life. If I hypothetically met that person today, I’d be curious about their life, but that’s it. It’s in the past now.

I am currently going through the same issue/concern. at age 19 to age 23, i was in a relationship with my first love! i am now 29 years old and we have been broken up for 6 years. We have reunited two weeks ago, and it seems to me that he do not make the first move to call/text me. it appears that i have been making the first moves calling/texting. I am continuously in love and never lost love for him. From the conversations we had, i hear and see that he and i have both changed! i have dated, (went on dates and have been in relationships) with other guys; however, i can not shake this guy out of my mind, body, and spirit. i think of him continously throughout days on-in! so i know the feeling! :-).. You may want to reevaluate, your soul mate and current relationship. Maybe you can inform both of them of the situation; and then, make your decision from their responses!! I pray that GOD guides you and order you in which way you should go, I pray that GOD guides you with his EYES, AMEN!!!