Would you be friends with someone you don't trust?

I wouldn’t. I’d constantly be worrying about what they’d do next. What kind of friendship is that?

I would move him out from my inner circle of friends to acquaintance level.

If he asks why, I would tell him that he violated your trust.

Then, you can let him slowly attempt to earn it back if he apolgizes and is really sincere in wanting to.

@redfeather & @marinelife both good points, he seems really apologetic and claims he let it slip out by accident. I don’t trust that either though how can you not know what you’re saying? I don’t know what to think.

Nope. I have acquaintances that I don’t fully trust, but not friends.

@Paul You are smart not to trust him at this point. Just let time run its course. Don’t confide in him for now.

@Paul Its possible that it was by accident, but that’s only half an excuse. A real friend would watch what they say.

This doesn’t mean they can’t earn that trust back… people make mistakes… but earn is the critical word here.

I could but I wouldn’t share problems / issues / or any other things with them anymore .
I’d visit them rarely and keep in touch by phone or face to face only when it’s necessarily so it wouldn’t raise suspicions ^^

Nope. They get the boot right quick.

I just let go of a 7 yr. ‘friendship’ when the person in question revealed their sneaky, passive aggressive ways and refused to take responsibility when I confronted them.

“Game” over! ;-)

True friends don’t do those things, play games, betray your trust and confidences, and, if they do, they are genuinely sorry and will take responsibility and not repeat their bad behaviors.

If you talk to this friend and they make excuses, deny, try to divert the issue with a bunch of irrevelent crap to shake you off their scent, drop ‘em like a hot potato!

@Paul just be cautious and civil around him. Make it clear you’ll not be confiding in him anymore.

@redfeather I’ll be sure to do that thanks. @Coloma Good advice & @Hibernate that’s not really an option as see him everyday but I will not be confiding in him anymore.

I had a friend who had loose lips. She swore to me that she would keep my secrets, so I let her have one and sure enough she passed it on. It was just in her nature. I kept her as a friend, but I didn’t confide in her any more until after it was no longer a secret. Then, slowly, over time, I just stopped contacting her. She still tries to contact me sometimes, but I just don’t want to spend the time on someone I cannot trust to keep my secrets private.

One friend wonders why another can’t keep a secret.

The other wonders why the first is starting rumors.

They both question the integrity of the other.

I would isolate what they can’t be trusted on and limit my relationship in that way.

I demoted people that did that to me. Friends that betrayed trust became acquaintances….screw me over bad and you better cross the street when you see me coming.

We just ousted our a friend due to a lie she told us. She’s out for good. Period.

With your situation @Paul, I’d either let him know he’s 100% out, or that your trust/confidence has greatly diminished.

No, not at all. If I didn’t trust the person I was being friends with, I would worry about every move they make and every move I make. Because they can go behind you back and tell everyone what you did and ruin you. It’s happened before to me. Also, you would be paranoid all the time. What kind of good friendship would that be? I went though an awful friendship that way. Never make a silly mistake like being a friend with someone you don’t trust.

If that friend had done something like that to me then I would totally head for revenge because thats just how I am.

Otherwise no, I wouldn’t be friends with someone that I don’t trust because what’s the use? You can’t trust them with anything… Though you don’t always have to trust your friends. I have some friends that I am close to but I don’t really trust them with my secrets though they’ve told me a lot about themselves.

How can you be friendly with someone you don’t trust. I don’t see how that can even be an option.

No. As others say, I’d move him to being an acquaintance. I would remain on cordial terms but only at my convenience and nothing much involved, more like a co worker relationship.

If your “friend” ever asks why the cold shoulder then tell him the truth, that he chose a bit of fluff and reaction as more important than your private confidence. Tell him you understand, it happens to people all the time but it’s not your thing.

I have “shared experience friends” who are a bit more than acquaintances—what I mean is, I have friends who are friends because of what we are currently sharing- it could be work, a project, an event, league night, whatever—I know they’re friends ‘for now,’ not for the long run. I rarely ever give my full trust to that circle of friends no matter how close we might be during that shared experience. My best-work-friend is the most amazing guy at work, but we never talk about what goes on outside of work and I don’t trust him with personal information. BUT, I still call these people friends, just put them at a certain distance from me.
Then… there’s my inner circle. If someone from my inner circle betrayed my trust, I’d move them away from the inner circle, then go from there.

I would continue to associate with a person like that, but not be friends. For me to consider someone my friend I have complete trust.

Not for long…

You can act like someone is a friend without them actually being a friend. I would continue treating him as you always have (Without the confidences, obviously,) but just keep him one step away mentally. You really don’t want to be the one having the, “We are not friends anymore” talk. It is awkward and serves no purpose except to embarrass your friend.

@athenasgriffin

That can be true, sometimes, just distancing. Other times though I think it is necessary to directly tell someone why you can’t be friends with them any more. Especially if they are game players, dishonest, or otherwise on the deal breaker list.
I will state, very clearly, WHY the relationship no longer works for me.
Honesty is the best policy and takes less energy than ‘managing’ a relationship you no longer want.

I don’t want to play games and duck and dodge everytime someone comes around or calls that I am no longer interested in having in my life.

No

@Coloma I agree, in theory, that honesty is the best policy. It certainly makes things less complicated. But sometimes, it is better to just let things fade, rather than start an argument that benefits no one. If it was a case of a certain behavior that was ruining a friendship, then I would advocate talking about it. In this case, trust is so tenuous, that most of the time, it is impossible to repair.

No. If I can’t trust a person then I can’t be friends with them. I value my friends because I can trust them.

What would be the point?

@woodcutter I suppose the point would be that this person is still fun to go to bars (or do whatever) with but just not great to tell secrets to. Maybe they are even really helpful and do other stuff for you but just are bad at remembering what is a secret and what isn’t.

@roundsquare still though, If I confide in someone and they turn around and do exactly what I did not want them to do, I would seriously question their respect for me. It would gnaw at me too much. If they will do stuff like that to you, wouldn’t you think they do it to other people? Tends to make me wonder then, if they derive pleasure from selectively being a dick.
I could still be polite with them but I think they will get the feeling their stock just went down, a lot.
Edit. Funny you mention going to bars with certain people. Exactly the last place I need to be confiding in someone. Personalities tend to morph some in those places. Anyway, a secret or privileged information is completely compromised after you tell anyone. It feels good sometimes to not be they only one with a secret but it kind of defeats the purpose. Secrets are what you tell to the inside of a coffin.

@woodcutter I guess it depends how you imagine the situation. I was imagining someone “letting it slip” by mistake (mostly because if its done on purpose I think the answer is obvious…).

@roundsquare Sometimes I think the ones who accidentally slip are more treacherous or at least as bad as they who plan it. With the “out in the open” traitor you know where you stand but with dummies it’s a constant worry.

@woodcutter More dangerous perhaps. But more treacherous? I would say there is less betrayal in those situations.

You should never trust anyone completely. A lot, more than others but never ever completely.