Guy is very interested but then doesn't contact me, thoughts?

If he doesn’t contact you, move on. A guy will contact you if he’s interested. tough but most likely true

Yeah, why do you like this guy? Ask yourself that, and don’t settle for the superficial answer. Is it the unavailability thing? The idea that if he’s this hard to get, then he’s worth the emotional effort of pining? He’s really good-looking, isn’t he? I’ll bet he is.

People do this to themselves a lot. This stringing it out drama seems romantic, but it’s just not a good investment of time and energy. Meanwhile there are other decent young men out there who’d be perfectly happy to date you if you made yourself open to it.

Just ask this fellow to have coffee with you or something, already. If he hasn’t tried to get in contact with you in between all these times you’ve seen him, and for so long, I’d do that as a last ditch thing and then I’d move on. It doesn’t matter why he’s not been trying to get in touch with you. He hasn’t done so.

When I was in my teens (I’m a guy)... I could never understand why girls would do certain things with me, but not other things.

It would be extremely confusing to have a girl that is willing to kiss but not fuck, because as a teenage male, if I would do one with you I would also do the other.

If for some reason this guy is the same or similar, he may be feelings rejected on some level.

My other guess would be that he just wants to get laid.

I was not there, and from seeing how people answered questions like this that I have asked in the past, I have the feeling that I’m probably wrong or missing vital details.

Welcome to Fluther!

It sounds as if you have a set rules of what you expect from a male friend and what you are willing and not willing to do. It may very well be that he feels like he is receiving mixed messages from you, based upon the information provided. If that is the case, he is bound to tread lightly or even stop pursuing you.

Since you feel like you shouldn’t like this guy, then why not let him know that you don’t feel comfortable in having a romantic relationship with him? If you are open to being friends, then let him know that that is all you want. If you are open to seeing where this relationship might go, then how about letting him know that? If he is in agreement, then just let him know you want to take it slowly. It sounds as if he is open to that.

“Guy is very interested”

I’m looking at the word “interested” some more, and reading what you typed again. Thinking on it some more, yes, he is interested, in your body.

There seems to be more attempts to touch than attempts to know and spend time.

EDIT: If your avatar that you just added is a picture of you, I rest my case.

Thanks for all your help :) You guys are awesome! Didn’t know I could get such constructive advice from such a website..I guess it helps when you have people looking at it from outside the situation.

Aprilsimnel you hit the nail right on the head. He is extremely good looking, he models when he gets the time. And your response made me ask myself, would I feel the same if he wasn’t so attractive??? I think it’‘s hard for me to grasp as you said the ‘unavailability’ thing as his friends would love to be in his shoes, and I’m used to that sort of response but then he is so confusing. Mutual friends have also said the same thing about him, one minute he’s confident and friendly and then the next appears shy and a bit arrogant.

poisonedantidote I see you’re point and you are right, there’s a bit of information missing. Almost a year ago I left my abusive, narcissistic boyfriend after three years. I still loved him but realised I had to protect myself. I guess that survival instinct is still there, like not being open to other guys and if I was to just sleep with someone that would leave me pretty emotionally vulnerable. This guy is the only person I’ve been involved with since.

I wouldn’t be the type of person to have a one night stand anyway as much as I find him very attractive and I’d love to. That’s why I would rather some commitment there before I literally expose myself. If it’s a case of he just want’s my body then it’s pretty disgusting the effort he has made, seeing as we have a lot of mutual friends and I’m not some random.

Pied pfeffer you could be right with the mixed messages I thought I may have been doing that which is why I messaged him in the past. Especially if he felt like I had rejected him which he wouldn’t be used to. It did take him all night to speak to me I guess.

Maybe I should just try and put my feelings aside and whatever happens, happens?

I was very interested in a woman once and acted much like this young man described. This was in my early 30’s.

I acted that way because I idealized the woman in question. I was hesitant to initiate with this young woman on many occasions because I was afraid to make things worse.

This young woman was very headstrong and initiated whenever our relationship moved forwards. I wonder if you are aggressive personally about taking relationship initiatives.

As this was her personality, I began to believe that when she was interested, she would contact me. When she did not contact me, I assumed disinterest.

You can give a guy some space and time to contact you.

3–6 months is way too much though.

If you run into him and something comes of it, great.

But I wouldn’t wait around for him at all, doesn’t sound like he’s that interested.

This is just one guy talking here, but it could be one of three possibilities.
1: He justs want to hump
2: He’s a shy boy
3: He got cold feet…..for any number of reasons

Imadethisupwithnoforethought maybe you are onto something. I’ve been vegetarian since I was 12 so almost for ten years and my friends and family would describe me as very headstrong and pigheaded. One guy that I knew liked me (I didn’t like him an he pursued me like crazy) said he was nervous talking to me.

Could be that since I initiated in the past he thinks I might again? He knows I am a very straight out, no nonsense person and I definitely say what I think. I really hope I’m not so intimidating. That can be my next thread, how to not appear intimidating :)

Tedd and ucme, the cold feet thing could also be true, he’s been single for awhile and yes 3–6 months is way too much time. Before I saw him at the party I had resolved nothing was going to happen along time before that. So to my surprise I see him again and I like him again. My friend who went to high school with him says she thinks he does like me but is too engrossed in himself, university and his family to pursue anything. That’s another opinion.

Thats the catch, if he didn’t like me in any way back I could accept that easily but it’s the many possibilities that keep me guessing. I guess maybe I shouldn’t take it at all personally.

Welcome to the site Jess. I am pretty new but most people have been extremely friendly, and its nice to kill time when there is nothing on TV trying to help people :)

If a woman is forwards and confidant prior to a date, I assume that is her personality, perhaps unfairly. If after the date, she assumes that I will take the role of the pursuer, she and I are both going to be sitting at home very insecure.

yes my avatar is a picture of me. But by looking around a lot of people don’t upload photos of themself. Might have to change it :S

My problems are way too goofy to risk being recognized.

My problems are way too goofy to risk being recognized? what do you mean?

Just my luck probably both thinking the same thing feeling insecure expecting that the other is outgoing and will pursue with confidence.

Honestly, the advice I have got from you guys has been so helpful. thanks!

Sorry. Clarifying why I would not post my own picture as the Avatar.

What you need to look at is why you are even still interested in this guy.

All of the signals are that he is not interested, except in quick sex when he just happens to run into you.

Where do you get that he is really interested? He would have been asking you out over the last six months if he was interested.

He is 21 and he still lives at home subject to very strict parental dictates.

He does not ever contact you after seeing you in a timely way.

He attempts to grope you every time you are around him.

Why do you have any interest in him? Move on.

You wrote: “Ended up kissing again but he was way too touchy probably as a result of drinking. I explained I’m not that type of girl. When I wouldn’t sit on him he ended up straddling me to my embarrassment. We took him home,”

Let’s see if I got this right. He drinks too much, he gets abusive, he is an embarrassment, he gets so intoxicated he needs to be taken home.
Why on Earth would you want to see him again?!?! Girl, Is he the best you can do? Set your standards higher! Please!

It sounds like English is not your first language, so just a word about a word—“touchy” generally means a jumpy or nervous, not that he is feeling you up.

I’m not sure what’s going on here, but if I were the guy, I’d feel like you were playing games. You say you are headstrong and yet you wait a whole week before getting back to him. You are waiting to see if he’ll call you first, or message you or whatever.

I hate that game. If you’re interested, let him know. If he thinks you are being too strong for a woman, and he is threatened by your behavior, then you don’t want him, anyway. This idea you have of asking how to appear less intimidating is an example of another game. Just be who you are. You don’t want a man based on a pretense. Then you’ll never be yourself in the relationship, and you’ll never be happy.

There are men out there who like strong, opinionated women. Wait for them. Or find them. Letting yourself be constrained by gender roles is, in my opinion, a really ineffective way of getting what you want. If you’re so strong, why do you care what other people think? Just be your own self.

I got here too late to see what you look like, so I don’t know how good looking you are. Sure, looks are the way a lot of people judge whether others would be hot or not. And if all you’ve done is see a person, that’s all you have to go on. But you really want to know his personality, and based on that, I’d have to say he’s got some issues, too. You’re both afraid of relationships, and that does not auger well for your future.

So until you’ve gotten a bit more comfortable with who you are, and until you’ve dealt with the after effects of your last relationship, I wouldn’t expect any future relationships to be very healthy. You’re working something out with this guy. Not sure what it is. But it’s probably time to move on and find someone else a little more stable. This makes me wonder how volatile things were between your mother and father.

Don’t waste your time.
A guy that is truly interested in you and not just for sex,will make an effort to contact and make dates with you.He will want to take you out…do things with you! Dates!
He sounds like a typical horny punk.

He doesn’t contact you after you cancelled on him twice? Hardly a surprise, I’d say.

what I meant by very interested in the question was that when I see him it seems that way but then afterwards it doesn’t obviously.

wundayatta I thanked previous posters who helped my way of thinking and whilst some of the points you made were absolutely fair enough I’d like to point out that english is indeed my first language as has been for the past 21 years and where I live touchy means touchy/feely i.e feeling you up but yes you could take it like that also.

Yes I understand I need to work on being prepared myself for a relationship thats true, and I totally agree with you I should just be myself. Believe me I am headstrong etc in most areas of my life, being with my ex though made me second guess myself, low self esteem all the things that come with being with an abusive person so regardless of how I look I still have that and I guess thats what you’re suggesting I work on. As much as I may seem ‘intimidating’ maybe that vulnerable part still shows.

I haven’t been single properly since I was 15 so as many would know it’s a shock when you go out into the dating world at this age. There’s people that say there’s no rules and then there are rules and at the time, four months after a three year relationship I didn’t know what to do so I just went with I’ll wait for him to call..game playing.

Bringing my parents into this when all you have to go on is whats posted, not sure if that was fair. I was prepared for tough advice when I posted this and it’s welcome because it reaffirms the side of me which says just forget about him.

I obviously know he’s not treating me as I should be treated, and I’ve said I should move on and not take it personally and just see what happens, even when I first posted I said I was not going to contact him. Just wanted some different perspectives thats all :)

Thanks again for your thoughts!

@jess2525 It sounds like you have your head on straight. But I do have some language info for you.
Where I come from, Western NY, “touchy” means jumpy, quick to anger, sensitive subject. For example: Politics and welfare are touchy subjects when josie and wundayatta are in a room together.

“touchy, feely” means sharing emotions, kindness, heartfelt . As in: The pet conversations with Coloma and chyna turned touchy-feely when they began to describe the joy their critters bring them.

“Grabby” or “copping a feel” would mean he tried to get his hands under your clothes. “Dude, she was totally wasted and so hot, I copped a feel for like ten minutes. They’re real!) I’m sure there are new words for it but for folks in my generation that is what it was called.

Good luck to you. Welcome to Fluther!

He might be shy .

The staring sounds a bit spooky to me. It sounds like a power thing. You seem a very nice girl and if this guy is taking an interest in you for whatever reason I’m sure there are more straightforward guys who would be pleased to date you. I think you are drawn to abusive narcissistic types I’m afraid, but I think you should avoid them.

Cheers for that @worriedguy. @flutherother I think you’re onto something. I’m going to try and identify what draws him to me and in future try and avoid it. Try and avoid him where possible and not be nasty if we cross paths which we will eventually, but definitely keep my heart protected. It would frustrate him to not get any attention from me, but hopefully by then I would have moved far enough along not to care either way :)

Reminds me of a quote, “The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”
— Maya Angelou