I guess I have a completely different take on this. I think most online relationships always have a bit of untruth or something missing to them, especially relationships that are between males and females, unless of course you already knew this person, in real life before you met online.
It’s just not possible to truly get to know someone unless you meet them in real life. I’m not saying that this fellow or anybody else is lying (although you never can know that for sure either) but you are only getting a very small part of the puzzle. So I would ask you if you have ever met this fellow in real life? And if so, do you have regular contact with him in real life. If not, your current friendship, that has evolved into a crush, is only based upon an image of this guy. Even though the image that he is presenting can and probably is completely true.
But IMO you can only really get to know people by interacting with the in the real world, on a regular, every day basis. That involves talking to them in person, watching them eat, listening to them blow their nose, watching them walk, seeing and listening to how they interact with other people, listening to them laugh and seeing how they react and interact with you. And not just on special occasions like a date. Every day situations like going to the grocery store, driving in the car, having dinner at his or your house, walking around town, interacting with his and your friends, tell you a lot about a person that you can never know simply by texting or e-mailing back and forth on a computer.
I think it’s super tempting for people to try to get to know people online, it’s easy actually, but in my opinion, you can really never get to know the person for real. You only get a glimpse of that person. It’s easier to type into a keyboard and say all sorts of things, and sound intelligent and funny and caring and poignant, when you are able to edit yourself before you push send.
That’s even the case with all of us Flutherers, but with us, at least on the posts, we’re generally coming to the question with the spirit of giving a useful answer, rather than trying to be charming, or interesting or funny (although if we’re lucky that sometimes happens too). I regularly PM back and forth with some of the Flutherers, but we aren’t going into the PMs looking to fall in love. For me, I usually talk to people to get their help, or to share a recipe or to personally ask for advice from someone who’s postings I admire, or to share an inside joke. I consider most of these people to be friends, but it would be different, if I was wanting to take it to a higher level of interaction.
Because I’m considerably older than you, the idea of forming romantic relationships online is totally foreign to me. I’m only in my 40’s, but to me, I couldn’t possibly feel like I was really getting to know someone well enough to want to enter into a boyfriend/girlfriend style of relationship with them, until I met them and spent lots and lots of time together with that person in real life. I get that sometimes that is not always possible, because of long distance. That’s another one of my own rules about getting involved with people. For my own sense of well being and putting myself into a position where it is most likely that I can get into and maintain a real relationship, I don’t do long distance relationships. It puts tons of extra pressure on people. But that’s my own rule, for my own life. I don’t expect anyone else to do what I do, but I’m just throwing it out there, that it adds another layer of separation. It’s just easier to meet people in your own town, in person, if you want to make it work out, without having all of that extra angst thrown into the mix.
Unfortunately, I think with the advent of e-mailing, to a certain extent, but mostly with the invention of texting and PM’ing, it actually creates a lot of un-necessary social anxiety in young people that wouldn’t be there if they’d been taught how to interact with people in the real world. Before there was texting, you only met people in the flesh. Either at school or at a party or at church or the beach or at sporting events, or through mutual friends or whatever. The only time you would meet, and maybe develop a little crush on a person who lived out of town is when someone’s cute relative was visiting from out of town. But once you met someone, you would see them in person fairly regularly, or at least talk to them on the phone (sometimes for hours and hours).
So regardless of how this situation ends up with this online crush, you should really look into finding ways to lessen your social anxiety (not for his benefit, but for yours). Because in the long run, you are going to live your life and if you just live with your social anxiety, you are going to have a much harder life.
As far as it goes with the fellow online, you can certainly take the risk of letting this guy know that you are interested in him than more than just a friend, but in a way, you will be throwing a monkey wrench into his new relationship with this other girl. I know you would never do anything hurtful on purpose, but try to look at it from the other girl’s point of view. If you were the one that was actually involved with him, would you want another girl to come out of the background and announce her love/like for him? Or let’s say that he’s always liked you from the get go and he’s happy to break it off with the other girl, what do you plan to do next? I think it would be very painful for you to carry on a relatinship with him, if it’s only online. I still don’t know whether you know him in real life. But whether you do or not, you will definitely have to overcome your social anxiety, one way or another. When you finally get to be with someone in real life, if you are so shy that you can’t function, any guy will only be able to put up with that for a short while, before he expects you to come out of your shell and participate in life and the relationship. Also, social anxiety, if left unchecked, puts you into a situation, where you will always be vulnerable and your relationships will always be un-equal.
So I’m hoping that whatever you do, and whether or not it involves this fellow online, that you will make it your goal to try to overcome your social anxiety. The first thing I would do about that is talk to your parents and your school counselor and even your primary care physician, just to get an idea about how to move forth. There are therapists that deal specifically with shyness and social anxiety. That is why I suggested talking to your parents and your doctor. They can help you find a good therapist who can give you exerises and the mental tools to overcome your fears (or at least to live with them, in a less horrifying manner).
Another thing I would like you to look into is Toastmasters International which is an organization that was formed to help people learn how to do public speaking, but it has evolved into an organization that helps people develop leadership skills, overcome shyness, and learn how to effectively manage social anxiety. It’s totally free of charge and there are chapters all over the country and all over the world.
Sorry this is so long. I don’t do one word answers, especially when it comes to relationships and young love, there’s so much at stake. There are a few things that I wanted to share with you to think about, beyond just the simple should you or shouldn’t you keep talking to this guy. I want you to be able to gain the skills you need to move forward and get what you want from life. Good luck to you : )
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