Was I being unreasonable in this situation?

Disrespect factor #1. He lied about needing to move his car.
Disrespect factor #2. He slunk away with all his stuff, thinking you were too dumb to notice.
Disrespect factor #3. He discredited and minimized your emotions rather than asking questions to understand you more, not once, but three times.

Nope. You were ‘seeing’ him, which means there was something already there, so.. no, you’re not being unreasonable at all. If you allow this behavior and level of disrespect at this point, it will increase. You allow it at the next level, it will continue to increase because he’s allowed to behave that way. You nipped it! Bravo! for having the lady-cojones to send him on his way!

Thank you for that, @linguaphile. I feel better knowing I responded correctly. That’s life! Next.

I have a philosophy on relationships of any type. People will treat you as you allow them to treat you.

If you had let him get away with this behaviour, it wouldn’t get any better. He treated you with no respect and in response, you drew a line in the sand and said, “you crossed it”. It wasn’t an unreasonable line. He just had sex with you, the very least you can expect is an honest goodbye.

Whether you ever give him a second chance (and I don’t know enough about him, you and your previous relationship to offer any comment there) is up to you.

Well, I’m always in the minority here when it comes to relationship things, but I think you were being (a little) unreasonable. I think people should always be given a chance to explain (at lest the first time they do something). I don’t expect that he’ll have a good explanation, but you never know.

@roundsquare I thought so as well, but the more I thought about it, the less I could find to actually give him the benefit of the doubt. I’ve never even had a one night stand that was more impersonal than this situation. In all honesty it was pretty bizarre.

No, you weren’t unreasonable. But what I would have done was to let him go and not said a word. Had you done this, he would have called you back. I can almost guarantee he would have done that. The only problem with this, is that you would have a “rubberband man” on your hands…those are the guys who only want you when you don’t want them…and become distant when you want them. It makes for a frustrating relationship…and it is definitely a sign of immaturity. I think he is one of these types coupled with a few other things thrown in.

The problem that I have seen in the past decade or so…is the proliferation of the “hit and run” sleepoverzoid. A guy lures you in after making you feel you are the “one” and when you begin to feel comfortable, and secure in this so-called “love” (which is just hormonal really) the woman gives in…and then…..POOF….Peter Pan (Peter Pain?) has flown off to Neverneverland…he will “never never ” call you, see you, or talk to you again. I think a lot of this has to do also with the fact that a “new conquest” is just a keyboard away (Facebook, MySpace, Class Reunion, Match.com, Jdate, etc.) For someone who gets off on luring women in, dumping them after sex on a personal power trip…he has a lot of options. That’s why I always tell people to be very, very careful when dating. Things are not always what they seem, even when you think you know the truth about someone.

Don’t sleep with anyone unless you are willing to give up any illusion that the only reason he leaves your bed the next morning will be to get you a homecooked breakfast. If you can think as you are ready to go to bed with someone, “How am I going to feel tomorrow…if he stops calling me, or just bolts?” Unfortunately, that happens a lot.

Don’t sleep with any man until you are in a committed relationship…i.e. he “should put a ring on it” or at least, you both have some sort of dialogue about being exclusive and that you want to work toward a future together. Unless, you also can just have sex and not have any expectations at all. For a lot of women, this is difficult. (Unless you are a woman of a certain age who usually just know the score anyway and don’t necessarily have the same hormonal/childbearing/clock is ticking urges. They can usually take a man or leave him.) The challenge is that when women have sex they release a hormone called oxytocin which acts like an addictive drug…that’s why women get obsessed over the person who “never called again”. It can become crazy-making.

@eyemadreamer…. I am sorry this happened to you…but please remember for the next time. What bothered me about your situation (and one that I’ve encountered on occasion) is how he lured you in, allowed you to feel like you were special and then…he was out of the apartment faster than the roadrunner.

I assure you, there are millions of women out there who have experienced this. Sad, but true.

@DarlingRhadamanthus Thank you. I am sure he would have called me, had I not responded to what he did, but I don’t want to be with someone who would even operate in that way, and who clearly doesn’t respect me. I don’t think being with someone who requires that amount of game playing would end in a satisfying relationship.

I hope I did the right thing in dodging a bullet, or nuclear explosion rather, later on down the line.

So, the old “Kidnapped by a band of gypsies” excuse didn’t work?

You deserve better. You did the right thing. (except for sleeping with him in the first place)

I guess I’m in the minority here but I see it slightly differently. I think the guy needed a little space to process and was too clumsy to verbalize it. In my scenario, your reaction drove him further off. But you’ve got to do what works for you and if you’re comfortable with ending it, so be it..

I would have been firmly in @janbb‘s camp: he needed to get away for some “alone time” (and I’ve been in that position myself), except for one thing.

What a man does in this case is say (truthfully), “I have to go (home / out / away / on a quest / golfing / to see the wife / whatever) for awhile, but I’ll call you later.” That, and “I love you.” (Because a man who respects himself only sleeps with women that he loves. Which is not to fail to recognize that some men sleep with multiple women that they love – in their fashion, and depending on the rules of their various relationships.) But he had to know (and apparently failed to realize) that you had made “a commitment” to him, and he should have respected that with honesty, at least.

It was the lying and being stupid (even more than the lying, being that stupid – to think that you were equally stupid – would be a deal-breaker for me) that killed his chances.

I am with @roundsquare on this. You are almost certainly correct, but I would have asked for an explanation after giving my interpretation of his actions.

I would not have been able to pass up on the chance to ask (sweetly) why he had had trouble parking when it’s free on Sundays and took his stuff if he thought he was coming back. Not like an interview, but a “just curious” discussion.

You did what I would’ve done. Lying and sneaking out after sex? It was just sex, it wasn’t like you asked him to move in. How immature of him.

I’m now rethinking this. What if he needed to go to the bathroom and was uncomfortable doing so in your place? If he wants to explain, you should let him.

When I was living with my ex before we married, he went six months without using the bathroom in my tiny house. He was going to his parents house who lived nearby. I was thinking something was wrong with him that he never used the bathroom so I asked. He confessed and started using my bathroom.

The lying was immature and probably fatal.

I admire you for taking a stand.

No.

He misrepresented his intentions concerning your (previously) evolving relationship.

I“m also with @roundsquare on this. It could have been worth an explanation. It’s entirely possible that he’s so overwhelmed by how much your relationship is affecting him he had to bolt to get some perspective. Guys have feelings too, and are often way less able to deal with them than gals are, especially in matters of intimacy. He may have been having a spell of “OMG!! We took the step! Now what!?!”

He may have given you an explanation that would endear him to you.
He may have given you an explanation that is complete bullshit.
Either way you won’t know now.
If he continued to BS you then the rest of your approach is completely valid, and I applaud you being cautious and looking out for yourself.

That’s why I would have asked him sweetly why the problems with car parking and why he took his clothes. His answer would help me determine what he was up to, and also if it were bogus it would have shown him that I am not blind.

@dabbler ” It’s entirely possible that he’s so overwhelmed by how much your relationship is affecting him he had to bolt to get some perspective.”

I hadn’t even thought of that but it makes perfect sense. When I have to figure stuff out, I often need to do it myself first. When it comes to girls these situations lead me to saying stupid things since I’m never sure how she’ll interpret things. Causes problems…

@jca Ah, in that case, I agree with your (general) approach. At first I thought it was meant to turn the screws a bit.

He should not have lied.

Here is my thinking and guessing on the matter. I think if he had just been honest that he needed to get going and would call later, or better set a time to see you that evening for dinner, then the quick get away in the morning would be ok. His behavior creates a situation where you feel he is a typical horrible guy, and my guess he has no idea he is doing that, because people can be so dumb. He thinks he is tricking you and getting away with his lie, because in his mind he thinks he is being nice. He is choosing to not tell you directly, “uh, I want to go home,” even though it might be reasonable that he needs to go home, but he is afraid you will get your feelings hurt or something.

I think give him a chance to make it up if you were liking him. Tell him to his face, “this is what happened: you left with all your stuff, obviously you had no intention of coming back once you got to your car, do you think I am an idiot? I prefer we be honest with each other rather than lying or playing games.” See what he says. If he says you are right, and he doesn’t do crap like that again, maybe you are ok. If he gets very defensive, dump him.

@JLeslie While he did technically lie, we don’t know why. There are lies and there are lies.
He could certainly have just been a jerk who wanted to get on to what was really on his mind ( work? the game? ) instead of sharing a potentially sweet bonding time. In which case he lied intentionally just to avoid appearing to be a jerk. Poo on that ! He really is a jerk.

But it’s equally as possible that it was hapless blurting. Having a discussion about it could clarify if he was feeling awkward, out of his depth, overwhelmed and didn’t really know what to say. He also might have had a flashback to a critical part of a previous relationship that turned into hell. And maybe he wanted to be comfortable staying but didn’t know how.

Seems like making assumptions about his motivation, and not checking, kindly, just kills whatever potential there might have been in the second case.

@dabbler Isn’t that what I said?

@dabbler over time though if this is his MO, I would never want to be married to that. I have relatives on my husband’s side who never want to tell you something they they think you don’t want to hear. In their mind they think they are being nice, or they really somewhere in their mind want to believe they are going to do what they are saying. There is no malice in their lie, except that it is not the truth, and in the end they do not come through. They break promises. From what I can figure it is somewhere between a cultural thing with my husband’s family, and hating to feel they cannot deliver something they wish they could, and so in some ways they lie to themselves before they even get around to lying to the other person. I could not be in a long term relationship with someone like that.

But this guy the OP is talking about, we don’t know yet the real deal with him. Mostly because she dropped him like a hot potato, and did a typical new generation thing, broke up on a text. Texting does not let us know tone, real discussion, it is a mistake in my opinion.

No gentleman would do what he did.

@JLeslie I totally agree if that were persistent behaviour forget it !! I’d even agree that if there were a conversation discussing what happened and he did not seem to get it, he is due for a swift dumping as well, i.e. there need be no further opportunity for him to repeat his bad behavior.
I also agree that texting is inappropriate for communication that can mean so much.

@lucillelucillelucille The fellow may be a boy becoming a gentleman. He could be afraid. Help him out.

You were absolutley right to do what you did.
He was a dickhead.

You weren’t unreasonable, you got what was going on, spot on. There are a lot of different ways you could have responded in the same general vein but the important thing is you didn’t fool yourself. Sure, he could have explained himself but you would have wanted to dust him just the same. What he did was weak and really disappointing.

If there’s a list of things for_ What actions/traits don’t make a Man or Woman?_ then this would be on there, for sure.

Wow, it amazes me how much people expect every male to be a fully evolved gentlemen right from the get go. There is, in fact, a process that has to take place for guys to get there.

@eyemadreamer “the more I thought about it, the less I could find to actually give him the benefit of the doubt”

You may not be able to think of all the possible reasons someone does something. This is why I think its best to have a policy of finding out before making big decisions.

“it was pretty bizarre”

All the more reason to find out what’s happening.

End result might be that the relationship ends anyway. Even if that happens, you might lean something about yourself that you didn’t know. Are you doing something that scares guys off? Is there a trait in guys you thought you liked but realize is actually bad for long term stuff? Etc…

I agree with your instinct that he was not being honest, but I also agree that you may have overreacted. If the guy woke up and thought, “shit, maybe sleeping with her wasn’t a good idea,” he is probably not going to say this to your face, at least not until he decides how he feels about it. So he gives you the flimsy parking excuse, which might have been partially true.

Ideally, he would wake up feeling great about things and have no reason for the subterfuge. It sounds like that’s not what happened, and you are totally within your rights to cut things off with him on that basis. But it also seems hasty, and maybe a bit facile to send a sarcastic text instead of having a conversation with him about what happened.

@dabbler-I would help him lose my number.
He wasn’t “afraid” to have sex now,was he??
If he is old enough to have sex,he is old enough to have decent manners.

@roundsquare: There’s a learning and growing process to develop integrity and I used to think most people developed it by the time they left home. Guess not. .

Just because you slept together don’t mean he needs permission to go home. You guys are taking steps to a stonger relationship. Don’t let the little things ruin it.

@Only138: The guy could’ve woken up and said he wanted to go and would want to talk about what happened later but not right then. Instead, he made up some lame excuse about needing to move his car and then never came back. Is it so hard for people to have a rigid backbone in addition to other rigid parts? Sheesh.

@Neizvestnaya Maybe things were a little “weird” for him. She obviously cared enough about him earlier…..don’t be so quick to write him off.
Give him another chance, and if he does it again, especially after knowing how you feel about it, then shit-can him.

@Only138: Sorry but if a guy did that to me, I’d be embarrassed, humiliated and angry. I wouldn’t want him even after an explanation, the shine would be off him because I’m so turned off by that kind of behavior.

Thing is, there are plenty of people out there who would play the nice guy/girl, turn the other cheek, pretend there had been no spineless behavior, let themselves be walked all over and spend what they call a relationship actually grovelling for scraps and then asking fluther about it so we could all tell them, yeah, sorry but you got played. That sucks! Better to cut it quick and move on to someone more grown up.

I see your point @Neizvestnaya, but…...........sometimes quick decisions are regretted. Thats all I’m saying.

@Only138: Oh definitely, I agree. I also believe this is one way people learn (the hard way) and check themselves better the next time. My motto though is to let someone else be the testing ground. I know very well what it’s like to look at someone and see the disappointments along with the good stuff and it’s harder than just “forgive and forget”. For some people, unless you see a serious future together, move on! Don’t waste your time/years, don’t get bogged down settling for less.

Maybe the whole experience was just too much for him. If you’ve seen him for a while, you’d know better than strangers on the Net….Is he shy? Is he used to a certain routine?

Geez, the first time my now husband and I did it he did not handle it well.

There were several women I was intimate with, where I couldn’t figure out how I felt about it right away. I needed space to come to grips with my feelings. It sounds like that is how this guy was.

Thank you for the insightful replies. I do accept I may have reacted rashly. I just can’t help but feel insulted, angry, disrespected and humiliated by his actions. It left me feeling hurt and used. The fact is that he didn’t want to stay, even for half an hour, even after having sex for the first time. I would have been perfectly fine if he had at least been polite, maybe had a cup of coffee, and had gone on his way. He basically sneaked out by lying to me, and then gave me a crappy excuse. Even if parking wasn’t free, it would not have been hard to toss some coins in the metre. He knew how I felt about sex, which adds even more to my disappointment and humiliation I feel.

He has messaged me apologising and saying that he really didn’t want to ‘offend’ me, and that he couldn’t ‘relax’ if he was worrying about getting a ticket. (Again, I come back to the ease of throwing some coins in the metre). He also wanted to know if I was ‘okay’. It all just sounds like superficial bullshit to me. I have not responded to his apology. He uses the toilet at my place. He has stayed over before, although usually doesn’t stay long, will have a cup of coffee and a chat.

What gets me is that he didn’t care or respect me enough to even say goodbye honestly – and took all his things and didn’t take the key – clearly a premeditated intention of not coming back, although he said he would be back in ‘two minutes’.

I have no intention of getting in contact with him. I suppose if he has genuine feelings for me, he will make an effort himself to explain. If he doesn’t, then apparently my decisions were correct.

I have had a hard time being in various relationships where I allowed the guy to walk all over me. Lately I have really felt like taking a new grip on these situations. Maybe I am a bit quick to embrace a ‘red flag’, but if this isn’t a sure red flag then I’m not sure what is.

I rate my red flags from pink to deep scarlet…
The red flag here isn’t his actions themselves but the fact that he is more interested in validating his feelings while discrediting yours.

@roundsquare

I sort of disagree with your advice to “communicate more”. To me it seems that she considered that she had been communicated to well enough to make the decision – after some time spent with the young man – that he was worthy of “the next step”, to spend the night with her.

After that night, for whatever reason, he lied to her: he picked up all his stuff (which he would only do if leaving or packing the car for who-knows-what reason), and then failed to pick up the key that he could have let himself back in with – and gave her an exceedingly lame story about “going to move the car” (which he must have known was unnecessary anyway on a Sunday).

This was quite enough information for her to have received from him that “I want to get out and go away from here” (for whatever reason – she doesn’t know that, apparently) and “I’m going to lie to you about what I’m doing”. If she really had been stupid enough to think that he was just going to move the car, then she’d have been wondering about where he went until… when? Until she called him, apparently, to listen to a new lie?

No, she had plenty of information to determine a policy for this guy: “Get lost, loser: you bailed on me, lied to me about the reason, didn’t call to explain anything (in case you thought I was dumb enough to fall for that transparent lie) and then ignored my feelings of hurt, anger and disappointment later.” If he’s a hero, then the ball is in his court to attempt to woo her again from ground zero (or maybe below ground zero now) and modify his behavior… or just stay gone.

@eyemadreamer took the lead in her relationship issue, the way a hero (or heroine) does. More should do as she did. Way to go.

@CWOTUS Thank you. You’ve made me feel better about my reactions. I am positive now that telling him we won’t be happening again was the right course to take. Not responding to his flimsy apology affirms this. I am sure he is not expecting me to keep him gone. He is in for a surprise. In all honesty, no explanation he could concoct would really remedy the cloud of disappointment and doubt he has over his head now. The more I think about it, the initial feelings of allure I had for him are increasingly diminished. His behaviour really made him look pathetic.

Thanks for letting me share my feelings. In the past I have not been good at keeping myself from being walked over. I think this is a good lesson for me to remember to work harder to avoid these guys with the ‘narcissistic’ personality traits. This has really helped me to work through my fear of being ‘without’. In this case, without appears to be a lot sunnier than with.

@eyemadreamer Can I ask how old you and the guy in question is? I only ask because if he is 40, forget him, he should know better. If he is 22, I might be more patient. I was also wondering how ng you waited to sleep with him. You make it sound like you wanted to feel more sure about the relationship before you did, but is it 2 weeks? 2 months?

We both just graduated from law school. If he doesn’t have common sense after that, then I rest my case. He is not lacking in intelligence, I believe he was fully aware of how his actions would be interpreted to mean.

In all honesty – I probably should have waited longer. I’ve been seeing him for a month. The relationship was not official, although I had discussed with him that I am not into casual sex. He insisted that there was no rush, and expressed his feelings for me. So this is partly my fault as well, but the relationship we had was very intense. I had never met someone with the same ambitions, interests and ideals as myself. It just felt right. I didn’t want to wait. I’m also going away for the summer, so I wouldn’t have seen him for awhile after last night. Considering this, the manner in which he left added to the hurt. Apparently my judgment was off here.

@eyemadreamer Do you feel like he showed signs of being irresponsible previously that you ignored? Or, is this really the first screw up? I think a month is a decent amount of time, assuming you saw him quite often. Had he planned on staying the night? Or wound up staying because you had sex? If everything else has been great, I would probably give him a chance. I am assuming you all are in your mid 20’s that is still kinda young. Unless, you are rethinking how much you liked him, and this is the perfect reason to dump him?

He has showed signs of being selfish and irresponsible. This is not the first time he has ‘peeved’ me, however it is the first time he has done something significantly horrible. He had planned to stay the night.

He is constantly complaining about feeling ‘lost’ in life. Mainly to do with his career prospects. He doesn’t have a consistent source of income right now. I have felt a lot like Dr.Phil the past few weeks. He also mentioned a few weeks back about feeling sad about the fact that his ex girlfriend no longer wanted to be his friend. His father also died a year ago.

I do really like this guy – but everything in me is telling me to run far away, fast. I think that without considering the hefty baggage he is bringing to the table a chance might be in order. I am really doubting whether I can handle it all, especially on top of how he treated me last night. I think he has a lot of deep seated emotional issues, and doesn’t truly seem capable of sustaining a relationship.

I want to have hope in him and the situation but it would be completely against my better judgment.

I’m in general agreement with @JLeslie (as usual, I think). I wouldn’t hang him, disembowel him, draw him in quarters, burn what’s left and put him into a locked vault… just yet.

But definitely put him on the defensive, the back burner, “the outs” or whatever you’d want to call it, and make him work his way back, if he thinks that he still should. In other words, if you want to re-open a dialog with him after you get back at the end of the summer (if he’s still in town and single and you have the least bit of interest in him), and give him a chance to make a defense for himself. But the ball should definitely be in his court; you shouldn’t have to get all fluttery and abandon your good instincts and decision and make anything up to him.

And really, maybe some time to reflect will confirm the current revision of your feelings toward him. It’s possible he was just giving you the appearance of simpático simply to break through your reserve and get into bed with you. So don’t second-guess where you were or what you did, but… it’s up to you whether he gets another chance or not.

@eyemadreamer Sounds like he is going through a hard time. I think when we first graduate scool itis one of the most difficult times in our lives. Trying to figure out our careers, really being “adults” supposedly. I say this not to mean you should be patient with him, but to mean if he is in a mixed up pace in his life right now, the timing might be off, and maybe best you should move on. Selfish and irresponsible are very bad signs. Although, I guess getting through law school does show some determination and focus.

If you read about successful couples the biggest things they talk about are trust, respect, supporting each others goals, strong communication, sounds like those are already not quite present with you two as a couple? But, of course, I cannot really know your relationship like you do, I am just going off of a few paragraphs on the internet. :) I can tell you with my husband everything was very easy in the beginning, and pretty much now to.

@eyemadreamer…....You just said that both of you graduated from law school and you feel like Dr Phil…basically counselling him, etc etc.

(BTW, I think you did the right thing.)

It reminded me of a situation I was in with someone who also behaved similarly after graduating from med school. He also was “lost” and not even sure if he had chosen the right profession. Needless to say, I can’t tell you how many hours I stayed up helping with exam revisions, writing abstracts for class and doing things for him while working full-time and rushing from my apartment to his and back again. His family threw him a huge party upon graduation, they toasted him and thanked me for helping him through school. Hurrah! Hurrah! A week later, I was given my walking papers. He left town in a whirlwind. Abandoned his apartment with stuff still in it ( I was called to his place by the management.) His family could not find him. (They called me too.) Apparently, he wandered around lost for awhile. It hurt, I felt really used until I realized that I chose to be with him without guarantees of any future. I’ve also dated a few men who lost jobs or were in transition periods and they just cannot be pinned down on anything. A man’s value is often his work/school/career/money…and when those are not going well, or there is confusion, the relationship is the first to tank.

I guess I am telling you this because it’s not at all about you. This extra information you gave on him sheds some more light on him and his motivations. What if he left because he thought, “Oh, dear….she is getting that ‘where are we going from here’ look and I don’t even know where the hell I am going much less in a relationship.” It’s possible. But I still think you did the right thing because he is not in a position right now to act in a responsible and mature way. You are starting a new life and you need to care for yourself first. Not some guy who can’t get it together.

@JLeslie is correct…..she says it should be “easy” and stay that way from the beginning. I agree. I’ve gotten lured into “well, he has some problems….and we don’t agree on this or that…but hey…it’s okay, I’ll get used to that…” In actuality, you don’t get used to it, it just gets more pronounced as you continue until one day you blow up and say, “Okay, that’s it! I hate that you always talk over me and never let me speak! I hate how you dismiss the fact that I choose to work in a social justice office for low pay while you are busy representing big corporations and you still are too cheap to pay your way for a meal! I hate that I always remember your mom and send her flowers for Mother’s Day and you have never once sent my mom anything! Oh, wait! Flowers might cost some money!”(Or whatever the situation may be.)

Congratulations on your graduation…! Go out and celebrate your life, and your accomplishments .

Unreasonable? No I wouldn’t say that, I would be offended too.

Maybe a bit drastic on the consequences though for a first time offender.

(note that I have not read the other responses so I don’t know if other stuff has come out since the OP…. come on, 50 posts is way too much to read)

I admire your resolve, many people I know would continue to deal with that kind of type of man despite being hurt. I don’t get people like him because if you just want sex, fine by me, don’t make it out to be more than that by having a different kind of relationship previously.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir Do you think he just wanted sex? I was thinking he is just immature.

@JLeslie Yes, those aren’t mutually exclusive. :) – I have no idea what he wanted.

@eyemadreamer : “I have no intention of getting in contact with him. I suppose if he has genuine feelings for me, he will make an effort himself to explain. If he doesn’t, then apparently my decisions were correct.”
—I think this is a very unfair assumption to make. You made it clear repeatedly that you wanted nothing to do with him and to “not bother”. Any sane person would get the hint and realize they’ve been written off and wouldn’t bother you anymore, even if they did have feelings for you because it’d be a waste of time, and creepy if they persisted.

I think your handling of a situation was a bit hasty, you just quickly saw the situation and assumed the worst without knowing what’s going on in his head and assumed it was a one night stand thing, but I don’t think it adds up. Seeing someone for that long doesn’t make it likely that it was all about sex, there’s far easier ways to get tail without that kind of investment. You mention that he has a strong sense of confusion about his life and the direction where it’s going, and has a bit of an immature streak and I think that is a far more likely reason. He slept with you, realized that it was a game-changer and that the relationship got a lot more serious, panicked and bolted to reassess the situation not thinking about how that would appeared, and then got defensive because you called him out on it.

I don’t think he’s that much of a slimeball, just a guy who doesn’t have his act together and you are probably going to be better off in the end finding someone new rather than trying to anchor someone who’s “lost”

Maybe he was being a slimeball, maybe he was innocent (both scenarios have been suggested by jellies above). You will never know since you nipped it in the bud. My advice is that since you seem unsure of if you did the right thing, and will now never know if he had bad intentions or not because you acted hastily, and you can’t change the past, so for next time, just wait before jumping the gun. You still could have told him off and cut the relationship off, but you could have waited after researching a little more and thinking more. So next time, just wait a little and try to figure things out better. It seems acting quickly did not help in this situation.

Since you both are recent law school grads, I’m surprised you didn’t just tell him “Res ipsa loquitur”. (For those scratching their heads, that basically means, “the thing speaks for itself”.)

I don’t think you overreacted at all. As we are all familiar with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” I think that’s totally applicable here.

Yes, no one of us can look into his heart for his exact motivation, but his actions speak volumes all on their own.

Even if he is the most naive and sweetest clueless guy on the panet, (which I HIGHLY doubt, at this age) there is no getting around the fact that he CHOSE to attempt to deceive you (assuming you’d be too stupid to realize he took all his stuff plus didn’t pick up the key to get back in).

Talk about disrespecting you ! And then went on to totally invalidate your feelings and try to place the blame on your shoulders for HIS poor handling of this.

There were hundreds of ways he could have handled this which would have given him some emotional space and time to think. He CHOSE the most damaging (to you) method and then tried to shift the blame to you and your over reaction.

Truly, the thing speaks for itself regardless of how he or anyone else tries to sugarcoat it.

Good for you. Time to move on and find yourself someone worthy of your trust, vulnerability and love.

And after this experience, hopefully you’ll no longer have the same vibe of vulnerability which encourages these types and the next guy with whom you’re involved will realize that he either needs to step up to the plate and be a man or bow out promptly. You are not someone to be used ( either emotionally or sexually).

You deserve a man, not an immature boy whose FIRST instinct is to lie and try to discount your feelings and blame you for “overreacting”.

@Buttonstc “Since you both are recent law school grads, I’m surprised you didn’t just tell him ‘Res ipsa loquitur’”

Haha. Thanks, that made my day.

@Buttonstc, I wish I thought of res ipsa loquitur. Would have been perfect. I’ll have to remember it for next time. Haha.

Hopefully there won’t be a next time. From what you’ve recounted previously, you’ve been used and dumped too often by thoughtless guys.

Now you’ve learned to stick up for yourself and be assertive. That’s your NEW pattern. Out with the old and in with the new.

@roundsquare

I’ll never forget the first time I heard that.

Do you remember Andy Sipowicz, the cop character in NYPD Blue?

@Buttonstc Never watched it, sorry.

Can we do a res ipsa analysis here for Negligent/Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress? I feel like this would be a decent question for a 1L torts exam.

@roundsquare * cringe *. Lol.

A guy who feels unsure and confused and does what this one did- a putz

A guy who feels unsure and confused and excuses himself instead of creeping off- an adult with integrity and respect for others.