Is it reasonable to ask someone to not use cuss words around you?

If I would be asked by someone else, then yes. I would comply. But I myself would not ask the other person to stop cussing. Freedom of speech.

I would comply if someone asked me politely, sure. Well…. I would try really hard.

I’m not making any promises, though.

It’s reasonable to ask, but the person can say no. They don’t really have any duty to put your minor comfort above what they want. Even if you are abnormally sensitive to cuss words, that’s your problem, not theirs.

Of course, someone who cares about you will naturally value your comfort so they may well (try to) stop.

Personally, if it were a friend, I’d do it and probably be mostly successful (after all, I don’t sear in front my mom). I might lost a little bit of respect for the person though.

Whatever, I hardly use any in conversation anyways.

It depends on the relationship and the person and they way they asked. I swear but not often (if at all) in the company of those I don’t know well. Even with people I know really, really well and while I like to swear every now and then, I am not a compulsive swearer…(I can have a bit of a potty mouth though) so I think I would be a bit miffed really. If I was dropping swear words every other word, or in every sentence then I could see someone might find it a bit much, but otherwise, I think they might be being a bit prissy. I have asked my husband who swears like a trooper to tone it down on occasions when he is really, really going off.

“If you were asked that by someone, would you comply?”

Absofuckinglutely not. We all have different ways of communicating. If someone can’t handle the way I communicate, then I suppose they know what they need to do.

Should I ask everyone I know to stop their annoying speech patterns or habits (“like”, “at the end of the day”, or Boston accents), or should I just suck it up and let them communicate the way they want/can? If I can’t tolerate it, I should stop associating with them.

Hey – Whoa!, What’s that now about Boston accents?! ;^)

Nah, I don’t think it is unreasonable to ask. It becomes unreasonable if you expect them to do so just because you asked and they did not agree to it. There was a co-worker that used to occasionally hang out with us after work. It was as if someone flipped his ‘cuss’ switch to ON at 5:01pm. There was something devilishly entertaining about it.

As for me? I only use curse words on a rare occasion. It’s just the way I was brought up by both family members and mentors who set an example. I suppose it is a personal choice.

I have asked people to not swear around me, but it has to be pretty awful for me to ask someone who is just a friend to stop swearing around me. In relationships, I have a very low tolerance for cussing. I feel as though I’m not being respected if a boyfriend swears more than (very) occasionally. It is just the way I was raised. I can’t get over it, and it is really not negotiable. It is on the list of necessities for a man, somewhere around “Over five feet tall.”

I swear about twice a year. So I don’t feel like a hypocrite at all.

It is not unreasonable. If the person complies it demonstrates they have control and that sets them above people who cannot (or will not).

There was a guy at work who I would never send to customer meetings precisely for this reason. He wouldn’t turn it off. “Free to be me”. Weak jerk.

Apparently my children (and my husband) cuss like sailors, but out of respect they don’t cuss in front of me. I never even had to ask.

@tom_g See, this is my feeling, too (and I swear like a sailor). I have no problem with asking to not cuss at you (ie You f*cking wh*re), but to have to refrain from saying things like “when you assume, you make an ass out of u and me” or “I have fucking jury duty” seems disrespectful and an attempt to change the person, instead of accepting them for who they are. I always feel like if I can’t swear around them, then I get to ask them to stop using whatever slang annoys me when they’re around me. Not to mention that every person who’s ever asked me to stop swearing has done some disrespectful stuff to me way beyond swearing. Sometimes, it’s all I can do to not retort with “Yeah, well, I’d really appreciate it if you stopped standing me up on a regular basis, but we can’t always get what we want.” But to me, it’s not really any different from asking if someone could not wear that shade of lipstick, or read that book, or speak only in iambic pentameter when stressed around them.

I think it is fine.

If you don’t want to hear that kind of language that is your right.

How well the person will do it? That’s a question mark.

@marinelife – Is it your right to only hear speech that you are comfortable with? It is your right to not associate with people who speak in a way that makes you uncomfortable.

@tom_g Yes, of course.

Also, annoying speech habits are not the same as cursing.

@marinelife: “annoying speech habits are not the same as cursing”

Really? Explain.

@tom_g Actually, I think it is your right. But that’s not the same as wise, or healthy, or conducive to a long-lasting relationships.

@marinelife annoying speech habits are not the same as cursing. How?

@Aethelflaed: “Actually, I think it is your right.”

Really? I’m not sure I understand. If I surround myself with a bunch of people who swear, are my rights being violated?

@tom_g No, but it’s your right to stop being around it. However, since you can only change yourself, it seems like a more successful tactic would be to leave and go home and never see those people again.

Cursing is the use of words that society has deemed offensive.

In my personal case, I would rather hear someone curse than use like every other word, but a person who is offended by cursing has a right not to have to hear it.

It is perfectly OK to ask someone not to use curse words. Whether or not the person complies is up to them. If they don’t, then the person would be forced to adapt or drop this person from their acquaintance.

I tailor my speech to the person I’m talking to. I want them to get what I mean or feel. If I know that certain words will get in the way because they distract from the substance of what I’m saying, or because they are more emotionally charged for my interlocutor than they are for me, then I don’t want to use them.

My inner discourse is heavily larded with salty language. But I don’t think that my outer speech has to match my inner speech in order to be “genuine”. They serve different purposes.

I’m usually somewhat conservative in my choice of vocabulary until I get some sense of how my interlocutor is likely to interpret what I say. There’s always a bit of a subtle social dance, unconscious more often than not, through which one picks up on the ground rules of conversation. If someone is having to actually come right out and ask me to modify my language, then I probably haven’t been very attuned to the subtleties. I should probably have been able to sense how they had been reacting to my use of certain words earlier on.

I especially think this is important for parents. If my kids around, please have the common decency to not use filthy language and if I politely ask you not to cuss, please do so because YOU are an honorable person, not because I have authority or deserve it.

@marinelife @Aethelflaed Am I right about this?
What you’re trying to say is: it is your right to be offended by curses and try to avoid people who curse as much as you want and even to request someone not to curse around you.
What you are not trying to say is: it is your right not to hear any curse words.

@roundsquare Mmmm, not quite. It is your right to do what you wish with regards to your own person and actions, so long as you don’t violate laws. It’s your right to never, ever leave your apartment so as to not have contact with the outside world, or to never watch the news so as to not be aware of horrors in other nations, or to wear ear plugs so as to never hear anything anyone ever says. I don’t think it’s suggestible, but I believe you have those rights.

Fair enough. In an extreme theoretical sense you have the right to cut yourself off from society and people have a duty not to bother you if you choose to cut yourself off (at least insofar as you can find a way to cut yourself off in a way that affects no one else). In that sense, you have the right to not hear any cuss words. But once you do any sort of interacting with people[1] you have consented to hearing swears and thus have given up that right.

[1] Maybe not any sort. You may be able to find some exceptions.

@roundsquare You give up the right to be free of hearing curse words when you agree to go about in society? Huh? People do not give up any rights when they go about in society except those that are abrogated by the laws of the society.

@marinelife “People do not give up any rights when they go about in society”

Unless we’re working under different definitions of the word “right right, of course they do.

Stepping back and talking about rights…
If you have a right to life that means I (and everyone else) has a duty not to kill you.
If you have a right to walk on the sidewalk that means I have a duty not to stop you from walking on the sidewalk. (With sidewalks, its not an absolute right though…).

With every right you have, I have a duty not to abrogate that right. Otherwise, what is the content of the right?

Certain rights are conditioned upon you (not) doing certain actions.
You have the right not to be punched in the face. But you give up that right if you punch me in the face.
You have the right to vote. But you give up that right if you commit certain crimes.
You have the right to be free from physical contact with others. But, once you go out into society, people can touch you in certain ways (e.g. they can tap you on the shoulder to ask you for directions).

Back to cuss words…
So, if you are saying you have the right to choose not to hear cuss words, does that mean I have a duty not to cuss around you (if you ask me not to)?

I have a few rules about swearing. If I don’t know someone very well, I try not to swear in front of them. If someone is of a certain age with a few exceptions I don’t swear in front of them. If I am in a large mixed group some I know, some I don’t, some of the appropriate age, some of the inappropriate age I generally don’t swear. If I get to the point in my relationship with someone that I feel comfortable swearing openly with them and they ask me not to, chances are I will not comply. I tend to swear when I am in a negative mood, whether I am angry, sad, frustrated or even when I am confused. Occasionally, when I am surprised or excited, a swear or two slips out. If I have gotten to the point in my relationship with someone where I feel comfortable expressing these strong emotions in front of them, then I feel as if I can say what I want in front of them without an eye on how I am actually saying it.

There’s also the fact that if I am in distress and swearing because of it and someone is more worried about my swearing than my distress, well, that’s a pretty big problem right there.

I think it’s reasonable. Before I became a potty mouth, I asked people not to curse around me. After they made fun of my “little ears,” they said they’d try to remember my request. Of course, they failed. Contrary to what some may believe, I don’t really like to offend people unless they’re being assholes, so if someone asked me not to curse around them, I wouldn’t. It’s a respect thing.
I often ask people not to say “G**damn” in my presence. So far, no one except my SO has obliged. I don’t think he says it at all anymore…

I’ve told my friends that I don’t like hearing the word “faggot” thrown around. I didn’t tell them to not use it, but I told them that for me, it’s like nails on a chalkboard. Even so, they took it as a request to not use it and they do try and not use it, but if they say it by accident, I honestly don’t care, but they still always apologize. I don’t think I was being unreasonable in wanting them to not use a specific word; my friends would never say “cunt” around a girl, so I don’t see how this is any different.

To answer the second part of the question, I would try and respect their wishes. It’s not that hard. Sure, I swear all the time in front of my closest friends, but I’ve spent time with my best friend and his mom before and I don’t swear when she’s around and it’s not difficult for me to “turn off” the swearing. I’ve never actually had anyone request me to not swear in a casual situation, but I don’t think it’d be difficult for me to honor their request.

Fuck yeah! You have to coddle those sensitive cocksuckers.

@DominicX See, I don’t have a problem turning it off when it’s not appropriate. But I don’t see having dinner with a friend and their mom as really casual – it maintains a certain formality. For me, the real problem is when the relationship is supposed to be advancing in strength of bonds, but there are restrictions on cussing. I don’t mind not swearing in more formal settings, like in the work place, around children, around older adults I don’t know well. The problem is more when the relationship becomes one where you start confiding in each other and reach a certain level of intimate comfort and casualness – more of a deep friendship than an acquaintance. It’s especially problematic if someone wants you to confide in them, share your deepest fears and anxieties, share the everyday trials with them, make inappropriate but hilarious jokes about some politician’s hairstyle, but without cussing. To me, that says that they’re not ok with an equal relationship.

@roundsquare Yes.

I think it’s reasonable to ask, but just don’t EXPECT them to comply…

It’s reasonable to ask. I find it silly that people are annoyed by cussing, but people are, and they have that right. As I am allowed to swear, they’re allowed to ask me to stop.

I swear a lot, it’s like a hobby for me. If I’m somewhere where swearing isn’t totally inappropriate, I probably wouldn’t grant the wish. I wouldn’t tell them to suck my fuckin dick or anything, but I’d be firm about my right to cuss. However, some people I really like or respect have asked me to tone it down, and I have. Or made efforts anyways.

But sure, it’s reasonable.

It’s reasonable for them to ask, and I would certainly try to comply. I won’t be as comfortable around them thereafter, though. I cuss like a fucking sailor, and that’s just… me. If I can’t be me, we’re not going to be terribly close.

It’s reasonable to ask, but are you prepared to stop any annoying habits of yours that may offend this person? Do not ask unless you are willing to extend the same courtesy.

@augustlan We’d prolly get along pretty good. ^^

Over the last few decades, life just has not brought me into the presence of such language, but when I was a young woman, it was around. Now, unless the person absolutely obnoxious with hideous speech, and I had to be with them, I would say nothing. However, if I did not need to be with them, I would simply leave. Yes, I’d certainly walk away, without regret.

My rights to not exceed their rights.

Admittedly, the closest thing to a “cuss word” that I say/write is “stinkin’.”