Do older couples routinely become unattractive to each other?

I don’t know how often it is, but it does happen. One could simply walk outside and have a conversation with another person and become attracted to them.

I’m sure it happens.
I personally find my husband more attractive with each passing year. Never occurred to me that I may feel differently in 30 years, but I doubt it.

Oh I dunno, one doesn’t look at the fireplace while poking the fire, now does one?

None of the older couples in my family ever have. Then again, they were all “in love” with one another.

I’ve known couples that have broken apart due to reasons other than looks/appearance as they aged.

Most of them grew apart due to differences they had throughout their relationship. One example would be a couple where the wife wanted to coninue working and the husband wanted to retire and RV around the country.

It’s not so much that people loose attraction to one another. But things do change over time.

To be quite blunt, after 20+ years you have pretty much done everything that either of you are remotely willing to try on the physical side of things so it becomes a bit harder to find ways to “spice things up”.

Also, there are some ugly realities of life related to aging. Men’s sexual triggers don’t really change over time, although their desire might wane a bit (we only think of sex once every minute and a half rather than every 15 seconds….).

Women, OTOH, hit menopause and have a major hormonal shift that often manifests itself in “men are scum” syndrome. Couple this with a physical change in sexual triggers such as pheromones as well as the inevitable changes in the body combined with the fact that this usually happens just about the time men hit the brunt of their mid-life crisis and you have a recipe for relationship disaster.

Frankly, it’s a miracle that any couples survive this combination of conditions. fortunately for many of us the value we place on long term partnership very much outweighs those sorts of bumps in the road.

I had that fear when i was about sixteen…, thought that thirty year old women were, well, almost dead with cobwebs everywhere i didn’t want to envision them.
But then i got a bit older and found that not only my girlfriend was aging, so was i…..
In short, if you are both from the same age about, you won’t notice.
Well, maybe you will, but remember that your spouse has about the same view.

My mom and I were talking about this today. In psych class we learned subconsciously, women looked for mates who were well off (could provide for a family) while men looked for youthful partners(could provide the family) and how some old guys divorce their wives, then marry younger versions of their ex-wives. Silly really. I think some do grow tired of each other but they were really never meant to be in the first place, just takes them a while to figure it out.

It does happen but the couples should resolve these problems [if they want the relation to continue. If not then it’s the end for them].

No, we just are no longer so hot and bothered about the physical side of relationships. Actually, the physical aspect of any relationship should be a very, very small part.

Yeah my boyfriend is 20, almost 21. And I’m 21.

I’m overweight and infertile, so I know I am no prize but I take care of myself and I hope I can please my future husband so he wouldn’t feel the need to stray.

@seekingwolf Infertile women can be quite the prize for men that don’t want kids. :D

Don’t want to sound like a drama queen, but @seekingwolf everybody is someones prize.

Boyfriend and I come from dysfunctional families and kids may not happen. Maybe adopt but not bio kids.

He says I’m a real catch all the time, hehe. Who knows? I’m the sort who gives and gives. I want to make sure that he’s satisfied always, emotionally, sexually, etc.

I would say it depends on the people. It is probably more routine than not, it maybe happens 60% of the time or so. With maybe 10% of that 60% ending badly just because of that one aspect of the relationship.

I work in a hotel that has a disproportionate amount of older people, with clients in their 40’s being considered young. I get to see many different old couple. There are some in their 50’s who can hardly look at each other anymore, and some in their late 80’s who still go in to the dining room holding hands, with the man pulling out the chair for the lady, and all the rest or it.

I’m guessing it depends what you base your relationship on that will influence this the most.

Furthermore, I have recently discovered that older people have their own beauty to them. There is one particular lady at my hotel, who must be at least 60, and she is absolutely amazing to look at. She has a strange head, a funny face, odd teeth, and generally looks very unusual, but she has a kind of aura about her, she puts out this strange friendly and sympathetic vibe. There is also a very old couple, and while the female is at least 90 years old, you can tell she used to be one hell of a looker, and she puts out this peaceful, wise, experienced, and confident vibe.

While at 28 I have no interest in a 90 year old lady, when I look at some of them, and talk to them, I can see how I would be happy to wind up married to someone like them in the future.

Sex is so not the only ingredient in a relationship. It can wane not only with age, but with medications, health conditions, etc. If it is the only glue in your relationship, I would say it is probably not going to be a lasting one. Better find someone who has a soul and smile you can love, they last longer than physical attraction.

I don’t think so. I’ve watched my grandparents age over 40 years, watched them through their romantic times, jealous times, aging times, health issues, etc. My grandpa still thinks my grandma is a goddess and she still thinks he is handsome but they are slower, no longer straight and firm or agile.

When my grampa gained weight, that was an issue since my grandmother is repulsed by fat but his fatty years were few. When my grampa developed diabetes and couldn’t perform sexually as he had before then that was a big issue too because they both had to work past suspecting other things could be the cause. Moving from sexual companions into platonic companions was really hard, they had to adjust that life was still going to be okay and now that they’re in their 70’s and 80’s, it’s not a big deal anymore. Now they are grateful and happy to still be together.

Nope – my husband is still the most handsome man in just about any room.

My opinion, more often than not.

It’s more the norm than not. Very few long term relationships manage to stay out of zombie land.

BUT…if both stay conscious enough and work hard enough to not let things stagnate it can happen. One day at a time, don’t throw yourselves into old fogey zone yet.

The good thing is after decades with the same partner: You will be the same old person with an old body… and same or less attractive to your partner… so you are like in your 30th on the same level… ;)

If a relationship is based on looks, it is in trouble.

I just think it is so cool when two singles who reside at a retirement community become exclusive boy and girlfriends. They probably aren’t going to be “beating it up” but by that time in life it is the companionship that makes up for it many times over.

Personally, I don’t think so. A relationship should be based on an emotional connection above any other, especially a physical one. Obviously being attracted to your partner plays a role in any physical relationship, but at the end of the day, the man I love will always be attractive to me, no matter how we age. Love ‘perfects’ everything about that person, so I wouldn’t ever concern myself with becoming less attracted to my husband and you shouldn’t too :)

What I’ve seen more than anything in my life is not that people become unattractive to each other because of age but because of weight and attitudes/expectations about sexual intimacy. My grandmother being an exception among most women, it’s usually the male partner who no longer desires his female partner mostly because of her physical condition and then things go wonky from there.

I married my Vicky almost four years ago, and she’s just as lovely today as she was the day I met her. Is she ever going to turn the heads of 22 year olds, or win any beauty contests. No. But to me, she is delightful, not because of any physical beauty, but because I see her with the eyes of love. She’s my best friend, the one person I trust implicitly, the one with whom I would trust my life. She’s very beautiful. : ))

@CaptainHarley: That’s wonderful. You are both very lucky. I’m sure I’m not alone in that I’d pay a premium to find a man genuine to his words to 100lbs as he is to 150+ lbs.

If your relationship not only stays strong but grows and deepens, if you share your lives together and remember to always be there for each other doubling your joys and halving your sorrows, if you carry within you the image of his youth and whilst lovingly cherishing it think more of his inner beauty and if you love his spirit and the way he walks in the world and he does the same for you…it is possible to retain your attraction. It may not be that passionate physical attraction of your youth, but it will be every bit as beautiful and more fulfilling than you can imagine.

@YoBob Actually, all genders lose interest in sex as people age and it is a myth that menopausal women aren’t interested in sex. The problem, besides assumptions, is that people are okay with developing god knows how many different pills for men to get it up but not many ‘cures’ for women’s dryness or whatever.

@CaptainHarley Spoken like a true gentleman. Bravo.

@Neizvestnaya

I know what you mean.

@FutureMemory

Thank you. I honestly do try to be a gentleman.

My mother started her second love affair (the first was with my father and lasted over 43 years) when she was 68, in 1982. It ended 20 years later in 2002 when her gentleman caller died of old age. They were still crazy about each other.

Here’s what she looked like two years before they fell in love. She was 66 (in 1980) and the photo she is holding was of her at 20 (1933).

Ma died two months ago at 96. It’s not age but attitude.

It sounds as if several people here have not spent enough quality time around older couples. If you want proper counseling about how to have a successful relationship, then please do so. The older generations are not immune to appreciating the youthful appearance of someone else, but they know a good thing when they have it. From what I’ve observed, the twinkle in their eye hasn’t died out when they look at each other.

As for sex? Please forgive me Mom and sis for sharing this. My sister once told me that she and her husband’s sex life only got better as time went on because they became so comfortable with each other. When Dad, who was almost 70, was ill, the doctor thought that he might have prostate cancer. The doctor asked a couple of questions, including one that pertained to his sexual ability. Mom interjected with a statement along the lines of, “Oh no, that is not an issue.” with a smug look on her face.

You two can worry away about it for the rest of your lives, but if the chemistry is right, why not take the risk of moving the relationship forward? There is always a way out if the feelings change.

Here is an answer right out of the senior citizens ball park. No to most of your questions.

The idea of marrying the person you love….is to grow old together. Sure, there are wrinkles. And there are many other changes. BUT, this does not change anything between two people who love each other. You accept the changes and look forward to another day together.

Now that the kids are grown and gone, it’s time for playtime again.

The beauty may fade, but the heart never changes.

You’ve gotta realize that you too will be just as wrinkly and old which in itself will even the playing field.. These will be the times when the two of you will grow even closer.. true, sex and certain entertainments will no longer hold your complete attention but they will not be eliminated altogether.. And if you do get the feeling that your mate is no longer attractive, just look in the mirror and realize that it’s part of the union that you both grow old together..

The idea that I could marry someone who I love very much and then one day, they just “aren’t attracted to me anymore” by physical conditions that may be out of my control is very, very unsettling to me. Because it’s just that: out of my control.

I want very much to have a long-lasting marriage and put all of my heart and effort into it to make my partner happy and feel special. Marriage can be hard work and it’s not all roses and whatever. I don’t really know what it feels like to age (but I will find out soon, I’m sure!) so it’s hard for me to imagine. It pains me to think that my partner won’t find me attractive at all anymore. Or if I WANT to find my partner attractive and I just…don’t. And he knows it. That would be really sad and hurtful. I wouldn’t want that to happen.

My boyfriend and I are actually revisiting this subject again (he brought it up, not me) and he seems to be just as bothered by it. I think we are both kind of worrywarts so this sort of talk isn’t out of the norm for us. ><

I dated an older man for a long time (he was 38 years my senior) prior to dating my current boyfriend. Oh, he definitely had aged long before I had met him but I still loved him and found him attractive. Then again, I see some older men in public who aren’t attractive at all. What if my future husband looked like that? Would I still find him attractive! I hope so

Despite working in hospice for a long time, I haven’t seen many older couples who are happy with each other. Sad, I know.

I like hearing this success stories. Gives me hope. :)

It sounds as if you and your boyfriend are overlooking an important factor in your relationship. You two are able to communicate openly about this concern.

It is unfortunate that you have the experience of seeing enough older couples still devoted to each other in your line of business. Please know that there are a few still out there. When a high school friend’s mother was put into a healthcare living arrangement, her father moved in a few months later, despite his needing to do so.

Well, the vast majority of people that I care for are those who are already widowed. Or the other spouse is very frail and needs to stay at home and can’t come to the facility to visit often, if at all. So I have a lot of experience with the elderly but not very much with their interpersonal relationships.

Yeah my boyfriend and I have always been able to talk about anything and everything.

Where I am in hospice, there is no option for spouses to move in with the dying spouse. Shame. I bet I would see many more couples if this were an option. unfortunately, space is limited.

Dang. Another typo. The last post should have said, “It is unfortunate that you have not had the experience of seeing enough older couples still devoted to each other in your line of business.” Thank you for seeing past that.

In my hometown, the space for assisted living continues to grow with the demand. It sounds like this is an opportunity for your area.

1.When you are first in love, your partner is extremely beautiful. Hormones are raging so your point of view on beauty depends highly on your hormones.
(Its the begining of a fire that flares up and it consumes everything in its way.)
2.After a few years, the hormonal rages aren’t what determine beauty for you. You find your relationship is what will determine beauty for you.
(The fire no longer rages but still burns enough to keep you warm)
3. Stage, You are both older and miss the days of the raging fire, due to illness, stress, life, aging, and exhaustion. The attraction isn’t as it once was. But the bond you feel can’t compare to any other relationship you ever had. Across the table you see in them a lifetime of joy, and tears and your heart still swells as it once did. The beauty you were always searching for was always in the heart that shared itself with you and knows your heart like no other.
Thats when you know real beauty.
(The embers still burn and don’t go out till someone puts them out)

I’m aware of another facility opening up in the area. We desperately need it. You wouldn’t believe the waitlist for the place I work at.

I think demand will grow even more as more and more people age and are in need of these services. We need them.

Becoming unattractive isn’t really the reason. The desire for sex wanes over the years, yes. However, by then you will most likely find that sex isn’t as important as it used to be. Usually, the emotional bond a couple forges after years of being together will be stronger and more important than what happens, or doesn’t happen, between the sheets. At that point, sex is just icing. Simply put, it’s called maturing.

As long as the lines of communication remain open (along with the mind), you will be fine. :)

@YoBob – wow, I don’t know where you get your info but it is certainly not from the women I communicate with. The men who are scum in old age were probably scum when they were young as well so probably they didn’t attract the best partners at any point in their life. And judging from the number of ads that appear in all forms of media, I would say there must be a hell of a lot of men of all ages who are having problems in the sex department. Perhaps the finger is being pointed in the wrong direction if the action is slowing

I think that people lose their attraction only if what attracted them to the other person was simply “looks”. I wrote about this in another answer. I saw my ex-boyfriend from high school a few years back. He was a very handsome teen when we went out. He looks nothing like he did back then. He has gained an enormous amount of weight, his hair has turned totally white (and he is too young for that, really) and when I saw him I was taken a bit aback, but then he smiled and started talking and we were gabbing like magpies and I didn’t see him physically anymore and it was obvious that the attraction was still there. (No, no chance of re-kindling as he is off the market…and I wouldn’t want to go back there, anyway.) However, this is what I think an older couple who have a lot in common…a couple that have common interests must be like…the attraction comes not from what is outside (that is fleeting) but what is inside that sticks. If you marry for looks, sexual attraction only and/or because you thought “it was time to get married and have babies” and you grabbed the first one off the shelf that looked interesting, then no…you probably won’t find your partner attractive after decades. But I had an aunt and uncle who never had children and they were the most interesting, crazy about each other couple I ever knew. They travelled and shared stories and went bird-watching and loved museums and art and history…so they were still mad about each other…and I remember them canoodling well into their 80’s until my uncle died, anyway and she followed soon after.

@YoBob…You know, it’s not the hormones that necessarily make women think that of men. I think what happens is that menopause triggers a woman’s mortality and she suddenly wakes up and thinks, ” Is this how I am going to live out all my life? Mopping? Picking up dirty socks? Making dinner? And then going to a job I hate and then just coming back to the same? Why can’t someone help me around here? Better yet, why don’t I just help myself…and do something for me for a change?” As @rooeytoo said…if a woman thinks a man is a “scumbag” it’s probably because he has done something to deserve that. Most women don’t draw that sort of conclusion from nothing. It’s something I’ve noticed. When you hear someone say, “He’s a really nice guy, but his wife is a real *****!” I usually find out later that he has cheated on her, or speaks down to her or just treats her horribly…no wonder she is a little hacked off. He’s not a nice guy at home.
(Just another view.)

The only older couple that I knew well were my parents. My father at 90 was still crazy in love with my mother. He would show people their wedding picture and say that he married the most beautiful woman in the world. My mother, a bit of a narcissist, appreciated the attention.

@LostInParadise….Honestly…...which woman would not want that sort of attention? That is the best thing in the world…and it’s free. Men often think that grand gestures and expensive presents are all that will woo a woman and keep her…presents are great (don’t get me wrong)...but being cherished and loved (and told so) are even more important.

Thanks sooo much for sharing about your parents. That’s inspiring.

I’ve hear it said that it’s the small things, scattered daily over a lifetime, which speak love to a woman. : ))

Personally I don’t think it has much do with with age or physical appearance. I have had 2 relationships that have manifested into a lack of physical desire for the other party (who I will add looked exactly as they did the day we met) because I lost trust in the other party. Its hard to maintain a physical and emotional relationship with anyone who you cannot trust and its pointless to have a long term relationship that is simply physical.

gailcalled That is a great story! Thanks for sharing the picture. Your mother was a beautiful woman.

Been married for 40 years and everything is still fine. No more attractive woman have I ever met than my spouse. Also best of friends. I do hope and wish that all might have the same good fortune.

I’ve been finding that being friends is key. My boyfriend and I were best friends over 6 years before we even thought of dating. I am really happy with this. We have so much fun and don’t fight.

Couldn’t agree more. You’ll foregive a friend much more than you ever would a lover. Odd, but true, in my experience. Not to mention, friendship has firmer and deeper roots than infatuation.

After so many years (and not being so very young when we started), neither of us is a beauty any more. But I can still look at him and see the man I married. And I find him attractive now in ways I never even suspected 3+ decades ago. So—things change, for sure, but not necessarily for the worse; the things that sag and fade and wear out are not the things that matter.

@Jeruba You are ,imho, correct and most fortunate to have such a relationship and the awareness of it.

@Jeruba

Exactly! Great answer. : ))

Amen @Jeruba !

I’m attracted to my husband more now than I was 20 years ago when we first met. We’ve both gained a few pounds since then, but his wit, intelligence, love and sacrifices he’s made for our family haven’t changed. I love him more for what he’s had to put up with.

He rocks. That’s sexy to me.

@jonsblond

Sounds like both of you hit the jackpot! Ain’t love grand? : D

I don’t think it’s an issue of becoming unattractive. I think the issue is losing your connection to each other. My wife and I grew apart over the space of a decade. A lot of things happened and each opened the gap wider. I was always attracted to her, but we never got physically intimate any more.

Finally I couldn’t stand it any more and I started trying to find other women as lovers. I thought that if I could satisfy those needs elsewhere, I could tolerate being married to my wife. However, I misjudged what I was really looking for: love. It wasn’t sex. It was the desire to feel like the center of someone’s world. To feel accepted in all ways.

During this time I fell in love with a number of women, several of whom were my age. They were beautiful to me. I surprised myself. In fact, young women are no longer beautiful to me. Yes, they are pretty, and beautiful in a looks kind of way, but they don’t have that energy and life that women my age have. It is that energy and that inner power that gives women their attractiveness, in my opinion. Anyone who is stuck on youth and physical beauty, just has no clue, I think.

Eventually, I confessed to my wife and she was so shocked because this was so out of character for me. She took me to a shrink, and I was diagnosed with a brain disorder. I started being treated and we started going to counseling. It’s been three years since then and things are better. We still are working on our relationship, and probably will be forever. But she is still attractive to me. And I don’t need any special games to make me excited about making love to her.

With my wife, it was really about how we felt about each other. For a long time we didn’t trust each other. I was always waiting for her to tell me she wanted a divorce. We couldn’t see much good in each other. We became more like a business than a family.

If you maintain that feeling towards each other—the one that makes you passionate about each other, then old age will never get between you. If you can’t maintain that, then I don’t care how old you are—whether 20 or 80—your relationship will be in trouble.

I got some very good advice when I was about 50. The speaker said “the best thing you can do for yourself and your lover, regardless of age, is to maintain an appropriate weight and stay in good physical condition.”

Good advice, although not so easy to follow after about 55 or so.

Yeah it seems like many people over the age of 50 get a bit overweight. And it can be hard to remain in physical shape after that age too. It goes for both men and women.

I was running ten miles every other day at 53. Right up until I almost killed myself in a military parachuting accident. Worked out with weights on alternate days.