[NSFW] If you know or suspect your partner view porn are you enraged, ambivalent, or OK with it?

We both do it.

I’m okay with it.

Things like that don’t bother me one bit, I would be far more distressed if they watched lame day time TV show after show.

It’s something I put in the same category as masturbation, as for them thinking they are with someone else, think all you like, it’s not real.

I watch/read porn sometimes. If he does, that’s his business. If he was watching really weird porn (child/animals) I would be very disturbed, but other than that.. who cares!

I have never understood the whole rage-at-porn thing. I love porn. I watch it all the time. I watch it more than my boyfriend. Sometimes, we watch it together.

They are not in the room with you. Porn is not interactive. I have no problem with porn. Now, if it ever gets interactive, I may have a problem with it.

I’ve not been in the situation so I can’t tell you for sure that this is how I would react, but I think I would really, really not care at all.

In the past I have never had a problem with it. Recently, however, I realized that I have never had a boyfriend who was not a porn addict. I am not sure what this says about me, and I am not sure I would not have a problem with it in the future.

I would find it weird to date a guy who didn’t watch porn.

I know when he’s fucking me, he’s doing it because he wants to be fucking me.

@nikipedia I discovered in my last relationship that that is not necessarily true.

I don’t have a S/O at the current time. But I was with someone for about two years, a while back. I watched it, he watched it, and we both eventually told each other that we watched it. So we’re all like, well let’s watch some together then. So we did that, and after a bit I got so horny that I turned off the TV and straddled him, and that was that.
Porn rocks, and neither of us were ’‘enraged’’ at the thought of the other enjoying it when alone. Whatever it meant when it leaked into our personal activities was for us at the time. It was good, nothing negative. That’s always better than bad.

Having been in both types of relationships, with and without porn, my personal opinion is that a relationship without porn is a real relationship based upon mind, body and complete trust. The porn assisted relationship does not compare. It’s like a drug and alcohol assisted relationship. The roots are tainted.

Since porn is rampant throughout society at all levels, my opinion is sure to be unpopular in many circles.

But my philosophy goes way beyond porn. If I’m with her, then I’m with her on every level, and I hope the same from her. We’d be more inclined to explore the Kama Sutra together. This removes the fantastical standards set by popular porn, and invites us to become in touch with each other on a much more satisfying level.

The Kama Sutra encourages us to invite passion, rather than fake it through simplistic mechanical meatworkings.

Porn doesn’t teach me to appreciate her. And it certainly sets an impossible standard for me to satisfy her. I’m not a fan of objectifying people any more than I would personify an object. For me, porn teaches the objectification of passion. That’s not right for me.

My philosophy moves beyond porn. We walk down the street together and upon encountering an attractive woman, I ignore and give my complete attention to my partner. Not only does that reassure her and build her confidence in me, but my partner will often say that woman looked so jealous of our complete union. I say “What woman”?

I guess in my youth, I wanted to fuck as much as the next person. Maybe more. But as the years roll by, I understand that it’s just mechanical, and pretty much the same with any fuck buddy. But pursuing sexual passion is an entirely different experience. That’s where the uniqueness of her, as an individual, as a real person, contributes to who I am as a person. Thereby our union is expressive, satisfying, and altogether fulfilling because two people have genuinely joined together as one. Porn could never satisfy that standard.

If she wants to watch porn, fine, goodbye. I have no problem accepting that we are on completely different levels.

I’d encourage it.

@The_Bastard Awesome. :)

I would not be enraged as I rarely get like that over anything. But it would definitely put me off. I wouldn’t like my partner doing it, simply because I don’t enjoy that and don’t have the slightest interest in it. It’s boring, fake and filthy at times. I would love my SO to be on the same page as me on what we enjoy in regard to sex. In my experience, it has been the other way around. I’ve had bfs that have gotten sort of upset when they find out that I don’t like porn because they cannot share that with me and it can spoil certain moments.

This is one of my favorite quotes:
“Pornographers subvert this last, vital privacy; they do our imagining for us. They take away the words that were of the night and shout them over the rooftops, making them hollow.” George Steiner

@Fiddle_Playing_Creole_Bastard I got that bitch some porn. Bitches love porn.

My wife watches porn all the time, and I don’t care in the least.

@RealEyesRealizeRealLies Watching porn and exploring the Kama Sutra are not mutually exclusive. Being able to find others attractive and still remain committed to your partner are not mutually exclusive either. The inability to combine these elements seems shallow and sexually immature. If your relationship cannot withstand a glance at another person, what kind of relationship do you have?

Not only do I not mind, but I like to watch it as well. With or without him.

In retrospect, I had a larger porn collection than he did when we met. I think that might still hold true.

I’m with @Bellatrix… I wouldn’t mind as long as it wasn’t excessive, rape, real abuse, animals or child porn. I’m not even comfortable with the “barely legal” ones where the girls look 12.

@SavoirFaire “The inability to combine these elements seems shallow and sexually immature.”

Don’t conflate a conscious choice as an inability. Things aren’t always as they “seem”.

Which is the more shallow and immature, to drool and spunk on a magazine page/computer monitor, or to pursue what I’ve described?

@SavoirFaire “If your relationship cannot withstand a glance at another person, what kind of relationship do you have?”

Heh… again, it’s nothing to “withstand”. It’s a conscious decision based upon a foundation of self control and what I want. It may not be right for you. I’ve tried your game. It’s not right for me.

I wonder what @wundayatta would add to this discussion? Ummmmmm…....

Where is Wundy????????????? I haven’t seen him for days.

And @hypo… I would guess at least a few pages worth :D

I’d be okay with it. In practise though, I watch more porn than he does.

@Bellatrix, wundayatta is on vacation and there is no internet where he is! Should be back in a few days.

@RealEyesRealizeRealLies It’s an inability insofar as you can’t do it and have a satisfying relationship. By your own admission, you can’t figure out how to be honest about your sexuality and maintain a strong bond of respect/appreciation with your partner.

As for which is more shallow and immature, it is what you’ve described. It is a running away from sexual honesty, and running away from oneself is never the mature thing to do. Merely looking at pornography and masturbating might not be signs of great depth and maturity, but consciously trying to avoid them is a sure sign of the opposite. A mature person rids himself or herself of the latter behaviors, however, while recontextualizing the place of the former behaviors in his or her life.

Finally, you described your whole “what woman” pretense as a way of securing your partner’s ego and her confidence in you. This suggests that your relationship could not withstand honesty about other women being attractive to you. My wife knows that I chose her above all other women—and I had a lot of choices available, so this was no trivial decision.

She doesn’t need to think all other women are ugly in my eyes to be secure in herself and confident in me, and I don’t need to think all other men are ugly in her eyes to be secure in myself and confident in her. So we get to be secure and confident, but we also get to be honest and open. You say my game is not right for you, but I don’t think you’ve tried my game. You’ve tried the teenager’s version and never realized that it could evolve into something much greater.

Hooray! you too? let’s celebrate with our genitals!

Well I appreciate the thorough analysis @SavoirFaire. According you, my “inabilities” and lack of “sexual honesty” may be the source of my “sexual immaturity”. Am I reading you correctly?

Is there any hope for a 48 year old man who doesn’t get off watching made-up teenagers screw for money? I mean, really, if you think that’s what it would take to satisfy my personal sexuality and release me from the bondage of personal preference, then I’m all ears. Any particular links or stars you would recommend to cure me?

@RealEyesRealizeRealLies I am so flabbergasted that people who do not like porn, drugs, booze, etc., get so much you-know-what here. I’m like you. I’m 51, been there, done that and beyond and on my way back from all that I know now for sure what I like and don’t like and why.
Reverse values. All of a sudden we are not mainstream but the exception to the rule and therefore must be over analyzed to try to figure out why or what’s wrong with us that we do not enjoy other people faking sex and getting paid so that others can watch. All of a sudden that is the real thing while we, well yes, we are insecure and shallow and should get into porn ASAP so that we can improve our sex lives because we don’t know what we are missing.
Please pass on the links our sex savvy @SavoirFaire is kind enough to share with you.

You know, I am very thankful to those on this forum wiser than us for being able to read deeper into our words and interpret preference as inability, or self control as immaturity, or objectification as humane. How insightful to twist my respect for a lover into suggesting that everyone else was somehow “ugly”. Who knew that my desire to elevate a lover was actually sexual dishonesty and the enabling of insecurities within them? Impressive analysis indeed!

Here I was wondering how to justify the weight of unattainable standards against the reality of aging gracefully. How was I to know that my aging partner won’t feel substandard comparing her fifty year old thighs to a lust for bouncing fantasy girls? I’ve had it all wrong all along.

I can’t wait for someone to make the same argument for bestiality and child porn. I don’t like that either. But someone somewhere is sure to suggest that my personal preference is actually just a dishonest immature inability to release my sexual potential.

In all the back and forth I have not heard what people get from the viewing of the porn. Is it the same when you watch it alone as with a partner? What do you feel she gets from it when she watches alone, and visa versa?

I guess another question is which does show more control, to be able to view porn and not lust over the talent, or, to not look at all, and focus all the attention on your partner. I think depending on how you look, they can both have traction.

If both are watching together I can see it as being just another tool or apparatus in sex like beads, eatable oils, vibrators, hand cuffs, whips, etc.

”...to be able to view porn and not lust over the talent…”

I’m sure I have this all wrong, but I thought that was the reason to indulge porn.

”...What do you feel she gets from it when she watches alone…”

Yes, exactly… does it make her want my cock, or just any old cock and broomstick will do? I’m very interested in this too. How does lust for a stranger benefit our union?

@RealEyesRealizeRealLies How does lust for a stranger benefit our union? I say if it was use as basically a tool in the act between the partners it maybe better than viewing alone –not that I am saying alone viewing in itself would be more evil—. Some couples get stagnant, and they don’t know what to do to bring the heat back. Hey could use the porn for different ideals, a streaming Karma Sutra. They can mimic things on the screen as they happen, like a real life mirror of the porn action on the screen, there is a 69 going on the screen, they follow suit. She is on all 4s with him behind on the screen, they do it in the real, just one possible way. Then both of them are just using it to enhance both of their experience.

If you viewed alone with the idea of learning something new to surprise you partner with or to see what was fresh or current in the bedroom or with boinking, seeing you can’t be a fly on someone’s bedroom wall, that might be something. Maybe you are thinking of making a private sex tape of you and your partner and are researching what lighting works, what doesn’t, the best angles, etc, so you can get ahead of the learning curb.

I think there maybe a way to view porn without lusting over that girl/guy you will never meet, or not even appearing as that anymore, in the case of old porn, but I think it would take a special mind set to do it.

That’s a nice thought that someone could view without lusting. That’s a nice thought.

As to seeking inspiration, well I understand it may be the right thing for some. But for me, personally, I don’t require external inspiration for the physical act, and wouldn’t be with anyone who did. I was born with it, and find natural attraction to others who are as well. But hey, some people require sleep aids too. I don’t.

Comparing the Kama Sutra to streaming porn shows a lack of understanding as to what the Kama Sutra actually is. It’s a philosophy, not an act. It encourages putting some real meaning into the meatwork mechanics. To each his own.

Wht @Jude said.

@RealEyesRealizeRealLies I mean in this in the nicest way possible: learn to read. If you don’t like porn, don’t watch it. If you are staying away from it to put up a front for your partner, you’re being dishonest and immature. There’s a difference, and what you’ve written does not say that you don’t find porn interesting or arousing. If that’s what you meant to say, try actually saying it next time.

@Porifera See above. I’m not giving anyone shit for their preferences—preferences I largely share, for what it’s worth—I’m giving people shit for not working on their relationships. But you know, it’s funny: no one had a problem analyzing people with non-mainstream values before things changed. Only now does anyone seem to think it’s unfair. I suppose turnabout is not fair play in your book?

Well you’re overlooking the third and fourth options @SavoirFaire which I keep mentioning. It has nothing to do with whether I like it or not. It’s a matter of feeling that it’s good for me or not. Who doesn’t appreciate the human form in all its functionality? But the point is deeper in that porn teaches me to objectify people. I don’t think that’s good for me.

We raise our children to respect themselves, and respect others. We teach our sons and daughters to get to know a person before committing to sexual relationships. We guard our daughters from those who would take advantage of them, and disrespect them, treating them as an object, basically a sperm sponge. Yet we turn our backs on our very own teachings and do it ourselves, committing the same erroneous behavior that we warned against and protected our children from. I’m not a hypocrite. Porn, for me encourages hypocritical behavior. I can’t live like that.

The fourth option, could possibly be better understood as a metaphor. Let’s say I have the capacity to buy a Ferrari or a Lamborghini. But I can’t afford both. I can’t support both, because each car has enough depth to keep me in all the way. I have to make up my mind which is more important to me. I HAVE TO MAKE A CHOICE.

The choice I make is determined by which vehicle will be most satisfying in the long term. If I chose the Ferrari, will you claim I’m being dishonest and immature because I didn’t buy both cars?

I cannot give my heart and sole to a woman and have a little half assed thing on the side. It’s just not in me. I know some people have that ability to spread themselves around like that. But I don’t.

And I’ve made a conscious decision to avoid porn even when I’m not in a relationship, specifically because I don’t want to taint myself for the next one. Maybe you can handle it. But not me friend. It tinkers with my mind and tempts me to accept fantasy as reality. That’s not good for me. Since when did avoiding what’s not good for myself become an exhibition in dishonesty and immaturity?

I wouldn’t be that bothered. As a matter of fact, it has the potential to make sex even more exciting if both partners can enjoy it together and experiment with each other, solidifying the bond between husband and wife.

@SavoirFaire I don’t like or enjoy porn in any shape, way or form. Why is that so hard for you to understand? If I did I’d watch it for sure since no one is stopping me from doing it. In that case, if my SO wanted to watch it I’d be OK with it too. The point is that since I don’t like it, I have a very hard time understanding why people enjoy seeing these strangers naked and doing all kinds of things some of which I wouldn’t do anyway. It doesn’t turn me on, as a matter of fact it turns me off. I Watching it seems like a waste of time.

I like porn, all of my partners have liked porn, and we’ve often like porn together. Not all porn. Some of it I just find disgusting. But I feel the same way about vegetables (like most, hate some), so I’m not going to hold the bad stuff against the good stuff. Porn comes in a lot of forms. Films are just one. There’s also pornographic writing, which can be great and very stimulating for the imagination (among other things).

Watching porn is a lot like checking out attractive people on the street. It gets me all revved up and ready to jump my partner when she comes home. My sexuality is still aimed at my partner, it just gets loaded up in many ways. It’s also healthy to masturbate even in a relationship that has a lot of sex in it. It’s an opportunity to check in with yourself and your preferences, not to mention a chance to get comfortable with your own body. By knowing your own body better and being comfortable with it, you become a better partner in your relationship. It’s also great for PMS, insomnia, premature ejaculation, and general genital muscle control (again, making you better in bed for your partner).

Some people say that porn is objectifying, but I don’t think this makes sense. Not all objectification is bad. Sexual fantasies sometimes involve objectifying or being objectified by your partner, but that’s a temporary state of affairs. As long as you still treat your partner as a human being deserving of dignity and respect after the fantasy is over (and in the back of your mind while it’s going on), no problem. What’s bad is being reduced to nothing but an object or using objectification to demean. I don’t do that with partners, and I don’t do it with porn stars.

I watch more porn than my husband does. It doesn’t bother me a bit.

He knows I would enjoy it more than him, so I would hope we would watch it together.