Where did the generalization come from that women are hard to understand?
You’ve heard the stereotypes. Is it just me? Or does it seem like there’s a stereotype that women are an enigma that is not to be questioned because we’ll never understand anyway? Like we’ve tried so hard for centuries to find out what women want and how they think, but have only failed and it has become a social norm to just take it at face value.
This is just about the generalization, I’m not discussing if women (in general) are actually this way (from my observation, I don’t think it much true, anyway). We all know how lame stereotypes are. I was just curious, because it’s one I was unfamiliar with, and even though damaging, they’re still interesting.
Observing members:
0
Composing members:
0
75 Answers
I think it’s an excuse that men have come up with to forgive themselves for being so unintuitive ;)
@Seelix I’m glad you said that. I was thinking it’s the lazy man’s way to explain why it takes a little work to deal with anyone different than them.
Because they so often say something different than what they mean.
Once you learn the trick, it is easier to understand.
But I still think the onus of precise communication falls more heavily on the transmitter, than the receiver.
I am slowly losing that argument though. As evidenced by the fact that these days the transmitter is always looking for assurance that we understand them by saying stuff like “You know what I’m sayin?’” or “You know what I mean?”
Because men and women think so differently.
Generally women are emotionally honest, open and patient. Men are just…well…not. It isn’t their fault, their just well…men! :}
I think it might be a politeness-based miscommunication. Women try to let men down easy (“uh, I’d love to see that movie with you but uh, I have to stay home and wash my hair that night”), and men think, “geez, why couldn’t she just say she doesn’t like me! Women are so confusing!”
I think it is because the things that motivate men and the things that motivate women are sometimes very different. We all interpret others actions with the lens of our own psyche, so it makes things more complicated.
In General (I know there are exceptions) Women are relationship oriented, while men are more task oriented. It can be confusing to a man when a woman tells him about a problem and he offers a perfectly logical solution and she gets pissed off; Because, In reality, she was not looking for a solution, she was looking for a listening ear and loving support.
I was going to cut seelix some slack for saying we’re unintuitive, but now some of you ladies are pissing me off. @JEREMIAH29_11 We’re just… men? Bullshit. We think differently and stereotypes like that suck.
@JEREMIAH29_11 In my relationship, it’s quite the opposite. Maybe that’s just because I’m a Virgo and she’s a Libra!
@rebbel; it took me a second, but…. that was really funny.
Some men also have very foul communication skills and filthy mouths. Eg, is some man out there feeling hurt? Maybe attacked? Or is that the way some men express themselves?....Men!!!
I just want to clarify that my response was made in jest. :)
Men are task oriented and focus on the details and anything outside the details will pretty much just get in the way. Apply this to conversation and anything outside the details, facts and important stuff will cause the male participants eyes to glaze over.
Woman on the other hand are emotionally attached to the things they do especially in conversation and the details, facts and important stuff will always come neatly wrapped in all sorts of anecdotal supporting emotionally charged verbage that will greatly extend the conversation way beyond the attention span of your average male again causing eyes to glaze over and their mind shut down missing almost everything the female participant has said. This is where the stereotype generalization that women are hard to understand comes from and why men often say “what did you say??” or asks the woman to repeat what they said and the vicious cycle will repeat until the female either slaps the male silly or simply gives up.
@Judi Yeah, may be, but when my girlfriend tells me that she had a bad day, cos her boss acted like an ass, the traffic was slow, and the front door stuck, and I am all ears for minutes, after which I continue my newspaper, she gets angry at me for not coming up with a solution for the stuck door. ;-)
@Judi and @Adirondackwannabe Thanks!
@Seelix My apologies. I should have known better.
Erm .. it’s true. An not because men are lazy. But because women are not straight when talking. Even with the “you know what I mean?” you cannot understand them.
Most women want to be enigmatic [or however this is written].
Well it’s nice to see the communication issues go both ways.
@rebbel ; That is the reason that the appropriate response is almost always; “What can I do to make you feel better?”
@Judi I like that. Can a man steal that answer?
Don’t know where it came from, but I know from experience to be careful about what I say ‘cause she’ll (my wife) sure as hell misunderstand something I say.
@Judi Now that i understand!
I will write that one on a post-it and stick it on the back of my remote control.
From us having eyes…?
No, I joke, I joke, I keed, I keed.
There is a regular pattern in this thread that the paradigm for thinking and communicating is “male” while the ones that cannot be understood in the way they think and communicate are “female.”
May I posit that men are incomprehensible to women, and men cannot express their emotional status, indeed, do not know their emotional status? Perhaps the question should be why are men so hard to understand?
The book (and cliche) Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus attempted to explain this difference and offer solutions. It too, though, was written from a male perspective.
Understanding each other takes some work, but makes life richer once it’s done.
@Adirondackwannabe; Please do, and pass the word on to man-kind everywhere. Life would be a lot easier if you guys realized that we will tell you how to make us happy if you just ask.
@Joker94 You’re not joking. Be a man…tell it like it is. I’ve got your back.
Way back. If you squint, you’ll miss me.
Where did the generalization came from? From this translation I think…
What Men say : “Women are so hard to understand!”
What Men actually mean : “Women are so hard to seduce into having sex!”
IMHO, women aren’t hard to understand.
It’s just that (sometimes) what I understand doesn’t make sense.
@SABOTEUR Alright, I just didn’t wanna be alone in this, man.
Here’s a good example from my family archives.
The wife will rush everyone out of the door when we’re going somewhere.
“GET IN THE CAR!”
Then she’ll go to the bathroom for 20 minutes while everyone waits…eh…patiently…in the car.
It never fails.
Or she passes 15000 stores on the way home from wherever, walks in the door…
...and tells me I have to go to the store to get something for…her.
It is interesting to me to see how my wife constantly tries to read some subtext into what I say. I try to formulate a precise and nuanced expression, then she’ll run it through her internal language processor to figure out what I really mean.
That gives me some insight into her take on communication; a subtext is always assumed. How generalizable that is to other women, I hesitate to say.
@zenvelo Perfectly put! We’d all get along much better if we just learn to “Say what you mean, Mean what you say, but don’t say it mean.” I’m still practicing. But sometimes I do remember it before I too “drop a bomb!” I’m feeling a little stressed now. I’m going to flip it around…Desserts!!...Cheesecake anyone?
Or how she forces me to JUST LISTEN to whatever horrible thing occurred at work
does NOTHING to improve, correct or avoid the situation
and get ANGRY with ME for making any suggestions.
@thorninmud Waste of time. You can’t be precise enough. If you persist in your efforts, you’ll be accused of talking to her like she was an idiot.
Guys, listen to Judi. It reminds of a time my s/o was griping about the boss, the car, etc. I gave her all kinds of answers, none of which she wanted to hear. I finally asked what I was supposed to do about it. The answer? A back rub.
I think a lot of men do find women hard to understand. Men do not keep up with our complicated thinking, especially on matters that are emotional or interpersonal.
Of course, generalizations are just that. However, I think and communicate with people in the real world like this…
tom_g.Communicate(tom_g.CurrentThought().ToString());
Many (not all) women I know tend to communicate like this…
Random random = new Random();
int randomNumber = random.Next(0, 100);
person.Communicate(comment[randomNumber] && person.CurrentThought().Substring(randomNumber, randomNumber+100) && comment[randomNumber]);
When I try to parse this, I’m left with either literally interpreting what is being communicated, or trying to read into what is being communicated. I am not good at this translation. Sometimes I can strip out the communicated thought hidden within the other characters. However, this is only successful a small percentage of the time.
Like I said – it’s a complete generalization. However, it’s somewhat valuable because there seem to be tendencies. I do know men who are incapable of communicating their thoughts and desires in a straightforward way. I also am lucky to be married to a woman who (most of the time) has no problem communicating directly.
Women do seem to speak differently. Like they use language differently. If you don’t make an effort to understand and to learn that language, it will seem like they are hard to understand. In fact, they will be hard to understand.
@thorninmud: “I try to formulate a precise and nuanced expression, then she’ll run it through her internal language processor to figure out what I really mean…”
I consistently come across this, and could not agree more. Most fights I have with my wife have to do with this. In fact, many of our arguments are about the need or lack of need to translate what I say.
“When I said x, I meant x.”
“Well, it certainly sounds like you really mean y, and are only saying x to imply that I didn’t do z….”
“Please don’t read into my statements. I am not bright enough to try to be witty or sneaky. I say what I mean.”
“Well, then you had better find a new way of communicating that is more straightforward.”
“Huh? I just told you that I feel x. I feel x == I feel x. Period. That’s it. How could I be more straightforward?”
“Well, it sounds to me right now that you are trying to tell me that I am doing z. Why don’t you just come out and say it?”
etc…
I believe it started off as a joke in a Boston bar in the early eighties, these cliches do tend to run & run…..
Wow. If I had been here to answer early in the thread, I would have been stunningly clever and witty. The women would’ve laughed and GA’d me, the men wouldn’t have understood, but some would have pretended they did, @Adirondackwannabe would have PMed me asking to explain, @bob_ would have PMed me an equation that I wouldn’t have understood, @wundayatta would have posted a plausible (if somewhat obfuscatory) explanation, and we all would have been newly enlightened on the entire subject of why men and women have trouble communicating.
But I guess I’m too late for that.
Sorry.
@bob_ I got it after I looked up “mean equation” but I was hoping for another one!
Because we’re not that clever… and quite honestly, I don’t think we want to be. One grunt means sex, two grunts means food. Anything more complex than that and we’ll grunt three times out of confusion (or we won’t get a chance to grunt at all).
I can tell you exactly what women want: they want a man who can figure out what they want without having to be told and then provide that for them. : ))
Is it really that women don’t say what we want? I think more often men think what we want is ridiculous. Or, that there are miscommunications as @tom_g mentioned. Or, as I mentioned men just don’t worry about all the feelings, and don’t have the need to vent verbally like women do, so the men just don’t get talking for the sake of talking to feel better. Men don’t try to understand women, because they think we waste our tIme on trivial unnecessary stuff.
@JLeslie Men don’t try to understand women, because they think we waste our tIme on trivial unnecessary stuff.
This is true. We don’t understand the need to bring up problem unless we need help finding a solution. Luckily, once we know women do this, we can (slowly) adapt. So to all the women out there: give us time to adapt. We’ll figure it out… eventually… In the mean time, the fact that we are trying so hard to help find a solution should be seen as a good thing, Isn’t it a sign that the guy cares?
@JLeslie – There’s a lot in the above question….
@JLeslie: “Or, as I mentioned men just don’t worry about all the feelings, and don’t have need to vent verbally like women do, so the men just don’t get talking for the sake of talking to feel better.”
Sticking with just the generalization again, men aren’t particularly interested in discussing something unless there is solution. Also, the discussion must be oriented to finding the solution. Venting is also shown to not actually make people feel better.
@JLeslie: “Men don’t try to understand women, because they think we waste our tIme on trivial unnecessary stuff”
Of course men try to understand women – even the most selfish of men. It’s to their advantage. I don’t think most men are up to the task, however. The constant translations and guesses/misses are exhausting. Is it possible that men are just not intellectually capable of truly understanding?
@tom_g Maybe compelled to vent is more accurate. Women on avearge speak many many more words than men during the day. My husband jokes he is going to invent a wordometer like a pedometer, and when I hit 10,000 I have satisifed my need and time to shut up. LOL.
Not trying might be harsh, maybe more accurate is giving up after years of trying.
Still, I think men do think women waste their time. Just linking that study for me shows you are using supportive data to reinforce venting is not useful or productive. Not that I mind the link, I find it very interesting. I think dwelling on negativity can be a bad thing. I do feel discussing things for a short while is helpful in making me feel better when I am stressed.
@JLeslie : Amusing typo at the end of your first paragraph.
@JLeslie I’ll try shit up on my s/o. If I live through it I’ll let you know how it worked.
Fixed it. Thanks. I have typos all over the place. Sigh.
@JLeslie I do the same. Hey men and women doing the same thing. Don’t sweat it.
@JLeslie: “Women on avearge speak many many more words than men during the day.”
I definitely see this. I wonder if this is cultural thing, or a biological thing. If the latter, what possible evolutionary benefit would this have? I could come up with a few ideas, but it’s interesting to think about.
Girls seem to be so much more verbally gifted than men. My daughter is practically a genius, and my boys can’t form a sentence. In most of the families I know, this is the case. Maybe men never evolved the ability to use language in the same way women do.
You guys are gonna make me the typo Nazi here.
@tom_g , I think you mean to direct that at @JLeslie. I’m starting to feel like a traffic cop.
From men who use cheap pick up lines like oh did it hurt when you fell form heaven or heh there sexy mama.Like Obviously shes going to slap you across the face dude.
Perverted men .So basically all the men
Just a joke please don’t mind.
@tom_g Maybe because the women traditionally in society cared for the young, and were given more of the responsibility to teach language to their children? If you know any couple where the father is bilingual, and the mother only speaks the language of the country they live in, the children never learn their father’s language, well never is strong, unless the extended family of the father is a very consistent part of daily life for the children.
There have been articles written regarding how much women talk compared to men, I’ll try and find a couple.
Re sex difference in number of words spoken per day, some researchers started to notice that the figures often cited are never backed up by references, and decided to undertake an actual word count. The differences they arrived at are statistically insignificant (16,215 for women, 15.669 for men). See here .
I’m with @thorninmud on the words spoken. I remember reading in the Economist that this comes from something that was once published and later retracted.
All you guys missed it! I TELL you exactly what it is that women really want, and you just ignore it. FINE! BE that way! LOL!
@Judi Oh, she doesn’t mind telling me…I know exactly what will make her happy.
All I need are 3 more full time jobs, a green thumb and the ability to rebuild the house from the ground up.
My wife is forever tormented by the fact she married a nerd.
(No…I take that back…not smart enough to be a nerd.)
GQ…all my answers are above:D
Answer this question 
Composing members:
0
