Relationship question (details and a complimentary, fluffy heart pillow inside)

I think your partner knows what she’s talking about. You may have any number of issues to deal with: setting boundaries for your family; fear of making long term commitments; perhaps even remaining issues about being a lesbian. Therapy will help sort that out.

I agree with your partner. You have to start with changing your mindset before you move on to the next step. You are responsible for you.

Are you really “scared” to take the next step? Or are you hesitant because life isn’t as tidy as you think it should be right now?

If you’re both truly this in love, then be as present as you can be with her each day and be grateful. You may need therapy just to keep you remaining in the present.

“Or are you hesitant because life isn’t as tidy as you think it should be right now?”

That’s it. You’re right. And, I do plan on going through all of this with a therapist.

I wouldn’t jump into that next level without working on yourself, first. It’s not a bad thing, you just want to be as prepared as you can be before making the big leap.

@Jude I think we’ve all been there at some point. You are in the process of shifting your head script. You are so blessed to have a loving & understanding partner.

It sounds like you want to take the plunge and go to a higher level, but it’s a little scary. You know what’s scarier? The thought I might have to come home to an empty house if I ever lost my s/o. That scares me.
Plus I’m still waiting for my hairball. Like I’m ever seeing a fluffy pillow.

You’ll get your hairball smeared over your fluffy, heart pillow in the mail. So snuggly!

Well.. I have two thoughts here. One.. sure, it could be cold feet. But, two, maybe, legitimately, it is best if you get your head sorted and work on yourself (since it sounds like a lot is going on) first. I’m always about that because I feel like it’s very difficult to be ready to take on the world when your home base is a disaster. It’s very easy to avoid working on yourself or sorting out your brain.. I do this a lot. (but then, what usually happens is the universe forces me to do it) It’s very easy to find all sorts of outside things to focus on instead of working on chez toi.

I know you may not want to hear it, understandably, but again I would say perhaps you two aren’t meant for each other. Perhaps you have a spent a good decade together but this person isn’t the one that drives you passionately mad to love as you’d expect to feel. You do love her, sure, but perhaps your body, mind is telling you something else. And you don’t want to break up, obviously, that would give you anxiety. I remember you said you have issues around desire and there are issues of jealousy (unfounded, on her part, as you know). All these are red flags. I sincerely hope that they’re not what I think they are, though and that a therapist and figuring out your hormones will help. I do want you to know that I like you as a person and we’ve known each other a bit for some years and I’ve read many questions from you in regards to the state of your relationship over those years and I have a feeling you simply aren’t in love with her the way you thought you should be in love. I’m sorry.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir The desire is most definitely there now. Just wanted to state that.

I will respond to the rest in a bit.

@Jude Hey, that’s good! :)

@Simone_De_Beauvoir Honestly.

I was dealing with a bad break-up with someone whom I was very much in love with. I was also dealing with the loss of my Mom (who had died only a year ago). Thus, I was afraid to let anyone in. My current partner pushed it, but, I couldn’t go there. It took me a year to let go, let her in, and I can say that I am very much in love with her now. If you ask her, me being passionate towards her is one of things that she loves about me. The desire is most definitely there, and the sex is amazing.

I’m really jealous that you have a sweet and understanding partner who clearly loves you and has your best interest at heart. She’s right. You need to take care of number one before you can be available to others.

I think it’s really easy for someone to say, “If you have these doubts and reservations, you probably aren’t meant to be together.” That’s the exact reason that I don’t post questions about my relationship online for advice from people I don’t know personally and who don’t know me. Nothing against you for doing so, but I just think that people jump to conclusions without knowing enough about the situation. For example, nothing in your original question suggested that there was a problem in the bedroom, but right off the jump someone suggests there’s no desire left in your relationship. All I’m saying is that people are really quick to tell you that your relationship isn’t worth fighting for.

My two cents is that it’s totally normal to be scared to get married, buy a home, and have children with your significant other. Going from dating to marriage is a HUGE life altering step that shouldn’t be taken lightly. Especially with the death of your mom and the break-up you went through, who wouldn’t be scared? It seems like you two love and care for each other very much and THAT’S what’s important. Your partner will wait until you’re ready and, in the meantime, she may be right about the therapy.

As I recall you are also about to undergo a transition into a new career/job path @Jude. You have a lot going on all at once. Take each transition seriously and give each bit of your life the time and energy they require.

“For example, nothing in your original question suggested that there was a problem in the bedroom”..

There was in the past, and yes, I asked a question concerning that awhile back. That was over a year ago, and things have changed for the better.

@SpatzieLover I plan on getting my “poop into group” (shit together) before making any commitments, that’s for sure.

@Jude Just the same.

@livelaughlove21 Yes, hi, I know her more than from just this question. Unlike you. We’re friends and have been facebook friends, on and off. And as far as the lack of desire question, that was quite recently. I wouldn’t be saying these things to her if I didn’t know where I stood with the OP. But thanks for playing.

@Jude Well then if that is so, I advise you to just take some time before the big step. It’s okay to wait, you know?

@Simone_De_Beauvoir The lack of desire for sex (lately), I am pretty sure that it has to do with either hormones, or stress (perhaps both).. Prior to three weeks ago, we couldn’t keep our hands off of each other. I asked a question not long ago if women peak (sexually) in their late 30’s, because my sex drive (desire to be with my partner), then, was through the roof.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir Nothing in my response was disrespectful or rude, so your response is totally uncalled for. How is anyone else supposed to know that you two are friends? This is a public forum and I was speaking from personal experience.

Also, according to @Jude, the desire post was over a year ago. That’s not exactly “recent”. But regardless, there’s no way for anyone else here to know you two are close unless it’s stated so. From the outside looking in, it just looked like you were jumping to conclusions, and so I used it as an example.

So your belligerence was completely unnecessary.

@livelaughlove21 Man, how much do I not want to bother with this…shit…you’re not supposed to know we’re friends, you’re not therefore supposed to imply that she shouldn’t listen to me…clearly, all the other responses were all about love and all that, so let me just make my point and move on…the recent q I was talking about is there, not just a year ago, I’m not going to go looking through her qs just for your sake, you can do that on your own….and next time you’re on the outside looking in, try taking your own advice. I’m out @Jude, as I’ve told you.

Mellow guys. livelaughlove21, sometimes you can get some clues from the lurve scores. Welcome to fluther. Sorry mods.

Everyone grab your fluffy heart pillow and head on over to Social!

@Simone_De_Beauvoir Bye bye then. :)

Okay…. so, I’m going to come at this form a different angle. I am fairly strongly influenced by a culture that puts family high up on the list of things to care about. If that’s a priority for you right now, I say plunge into that. If you’re partner is the right person, another 6 months to sort that out won’t change the basic facts of your relationship. I don’t mean this as a test, but just a fact. Would a therapist help? Maybe. If you’re overwhelmed, go for it. But if you know your priorities but are having trouble facing them because you don’t want to disappoint your partner, well then I think its time for a talk.

Caveat: I’ve never been in love, so there’s a good chance I don’t know what I’m talking about. Please mix in a tablespoon of salt with what I said.

All in, I’d say you have a partner who is thinking about you and trying to figure out what is best for you. You’ll end up making a decision on your own anyway but at least you have someone who can help you follow through. With that in mind, carpe diem.

I agree with your partner about therapy for the family issue.

As for the relationship issue, if you love her and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, why are you hesitating? What is holding you back?

You might want to, when alone, sit quietly with a pen and paper and just start writing about your feelings about her and about your life plans. See what comes up.

Just my advice since you asked…if you are not happy with your life, who you are and where you are going in your life, you can’t and should not expect your S/O to take on the responsibility. Love yourself first and then you can take on that commitment to let another person in to the full extent a “marriage” or permamnet union will require.

Big mistake to put others before your own emotional well being. You can still be there and support others, but make sure you do not neglect your own needs! You HAVE to come first Jude!

I think you should seize the day @Jude. I think we get few chances in life to try for happiness and love. Sure, it could all go tits up but how awful would it be if you didn’t take this step and you drifted apart because of it? The changes you make can be changed back or into something else but if you don’t try you’ll never know. Hope you know the right answer to your question in your heart.

I agree you need to find a way to digest the advice of letting your family take care of themselves. This is something that drove me over the edge in my late 20’s and it took years to just let it go. Good luck, you’ll feel so relieved if you can get to that point.

She’s right.:)