Was this abuse? How do I reconcile this treatment?

I actually went through 50% of what you went through, and I actually just got finished seeing a Psychologist (again…). This is a common form of Non-physical abuse (along the lines of verbal and mental abuse.), I’m not a doctor but I’ve been through the same stuff. It took me along time to deal with the ADHD and because I took too long (plus my family didn’t believe anything was wrong with me except that I was “the weird family member”) I now am Bipolar type one (The one with the VERY high suicide rate.) I can actually pinpoint when I started to only feel either REALLY depressed or REALLY energetic.I think you might benefit from talking to someone about your past, then maybe if your ready, talking to your family about it. Don’t really accuse them, because they will always defend themselves, but kinda ask questions in a way where you sound like you want to understand them. I asked my mom one time why she always wished I was never born and she said she doesn’t remember saying that. If I would have asked the question in a different way she wouldn’t have shut me out that fast. A question like “Was it hard raising me as a kid”. Sometimes the best answer you’ll get will be a deluded one, but you might have to make due with a 20% truth answer. I was also sexually assaulted as a kid for about 3 years and my mom refused to help me, because my sister was the star child. As long as nothing happened to her my mom was happy. I’m glad to hear that atleast your family got you on ritalin, because now I have 0 math skills because all I did in math was draw, daydream, and act up.

I mistreated my son for many years until I got the help I needed. I’ve apologized to him, and told him I’ve cleaned up my act as much as I possibly can, but now it’s his turn to own his own stuff. So that’s what I’d tell you if you were my son. Regardless if your folks ever “see the light”, you still can deal with your own garbage. You have an excellent start. The other thing I’d tell you is to eliminate the drama from the stuff that happened to you back then, and the drama that happens to you now. It’s the best stress reducer there is, and there’s nothing to clear your thoughts like eliminating the drama.

One interesting thing about my son: He used to say that he couldn’t learn from someone else’s mistakes; he had to learn from his own. It made it very hard for me as a parent to let him do just that.

@snowberry Your words speak some truth and sense despite being alittle too upfront. Most people with issues want closure of some sort. And that closure doesn’t always have to be the exact answer they were looking for. Unless you’ve been through the abusive phase, then you can’t understand why people linger onto the negatives in the past. There was a girl that I, I dare say loved. When I went off to join the military she was still dating this crapbag. Someway or another he ends up shooting her 6 times in the leg. He goes to jail. This was in 2003, He was released this june. They’re now engaged to get married. I was pretty depressed after hearing this news, how can someone that is obviously evil get someone that they don’t deserve? After talking to my psych, he explained that some people go through the abusive phase differently. Sometimes people actually live in the past. You can’t move forward if there’s something in the back of your mind holding you back. Being called ugly for my entire life has always kept me from talking to females because I automatically think they will reject me. And I refused to believe I was that weak, so I just created reasons why not to talk to people, everything from the way they talk to the things they do on their own time. But once I realized that all I was doing was creating a shield (typical therapist mumbo jumbo, lol) to protect my self, I opened up and realized that rejection was the only feeling I was projecting. Not only did I not want to be rejected, but I WAS rejecting people. Family, co-workers, friends, no one was free from it. But also, I did realize that living in the past won’t help me overcome anything. We all have to “Man Up” some time and just deal with the hand your dealt with. It just took me longer than some, lol

Just be careful to set up boundaries and protect yourself if you decide to confront your mother. Be clear on what your expectations for the meeting/talk are.

I would work it out with a therapist first.

@marinelife Here to save me again I see, lol. Talking about your past is like going to war. you have to almost have a script so you know what to say and how to react to THEIR answer.

It is something to talk to your mother about, but you may want to go over it with a professional first. You don’t say how aware your mother was about things such as your ADHD. She may or may not have been at a loss as to how to raise you.

I am not giving your mother a pass; I am merely attempting to say there might be a side to the story you are not completely aware of.

If you’re happy with who you are now, don’t go burning bridges. That’s what usually happens when digging up old hatchets. If you need closure, do something for other kids who are in situations that are similar to what you’ve been through.

There was no reason you should have had to endure pain and to go through that kind of compartmentalisation, but right now, your “salvation” lies in sharing your hard-earned lessons. That is what will truly give you meaning where you found emptiness or sadness.

What does reconciliation mean to you? What do you need to understand? Why she behaved that way? Maybe she doesn’t see it anywhere close to the way you see it. Then what? What if she denies everything that you think? Then what?

I would not expect reconciliation, although I still don’t know what you mean by that. In my opinion, it’s too late. You have to decide that your parents were doing the best they could or that they were malicious. I’d rather think they were doing the best they could. I can’t ask them about when I was a kid because it was too long ago. They aren’t going to validate my reality. Just the opposite. They’ll make me feel even stupider than I am.

I was never able to please my parents. Never. They never told me they were proud of me. They never recognized anything in me as positive. So when I got sick, that came out and nearly killed me. I totally bought into those messages about what a failure I was and how worthless I was. And they thought they were doing me a favor by denying that they had any expectations for me.

So I never knew where I stood, and that meant nothing I could do was good enough. This is crazy-making and eventually I did get diagnosed with a brain disorder.

I never told my parents what happened to me. I can’t trust them. So we get together and we’re nice, but I don’t expect anything to ever get better. And they don’t get to see their grandchildren unless we are around because we don’t want them to do the same thing to our kids that they did to me.

So I’m not sure you can reconcile anything to your satisfaction. I worry that if you try and it fails, it will make things worse. Even if you succeed, what do you get? Does it change anything?

I think that the only meaningful reconciliation is with yourself. Accepting yourself. Accepting all the things that have formed you and incorporating them into you as full members in good standing. And of course, mindfulness is a great way to do that kind of work.

Good luck!

These are all great points, thank you all! Armed with these fresh perspectives, I won’t charge into a pointless, emotionally charged battle with my mom :)

I realize that she has worked very hard to get to where she is now, and she did her best to provide for me in other ways (home-cooked meals, vacations, video games). I still would like to ask her thoughts on things when the time is right, but I hold no grudges.

She gave you life my friend. If she never improves that’s enough.

Beyond that, remember she’s a wounded person herself, and that’s why she couldn’t be there for you the way she should have been. Perhaps at some point in the future you will be the one to help HER heal! There’s nothing more lovely than to be instrumental in seeing someone restored. It’s all the more wonderful when they’re the one who hurt you. It brings a new level of healing to your own life, and goes a long long way to completing the circle.

Keep growing. Don’t be satisfied with mediocrity. I see greatness in your future my friend.

Beautiful answer, @snowberry