Is it rude to ask if someone's child lives with their SO?

Is it rude to ask? Certainly not. People kept assuming my husband & I lived together before we got married. We both thought that was rude.

I guess it depends on the milieu you live in. I would not consider it a rude question at all in the circles I circulate in. If you have the suspicion that the parent might not approve, then maybe it is not tactful to ask them.

I don’t get it, either. If she was already spilling info, what’s the big deal. I don’t ask questions at all because you never know what trivial thing someone may get upset about, so I just don’t bother. I would let them say what they want and just accept that, even if I did have another question. Why would you be offended at that assumption, @SpatzieLover? Unless you felt there was some motive behind it?

NO.

@Blackberry There was motive behind it. Several of my husband’s family members think of themselves as uber Christian. Their opinion apparently was that I was some sort of Jezebel, thus the assumption was made in the way in which there comments sprang out. I had no deal with whether or not we would or wouldn’t live together first. Rude comments have a way of not being forgotten, nor apologized for.

Personally @JLeslie, I’d rather people lived together prior to marriage. Many parents that I know do not share my opinion. It sounds like this woman would prefer her son married some puritanical virgin.

I don’t know that’s it’s unilaterally rude, but I would think it would depend a lot on if the person you’re asking holds more traditional values or not; that is to say, if they’re likely to interpret it as “And has your child been living in sin?” or the more secular “And has your child done something in their relationship that some think will doom it to failure because they will never really commit?”.

Like @Blackberry said, she was already giving information and you and the others (including the mother of the guy) were communicating, as in back and forth questioning and answering.
I don’t think in that setting it was rude of you, the only thing is that your innocent intended question can be someone elses rude question.
Depending of ones believes, opinions, culture, etc.
Asking someone bluntly why they don’t have children yet, or how frequently they have sex, would be rude, in my book.

Oh ok, so it’s never really about the question (unless it actually is patently offensive), it’s about the motive behind the question. That makes way more sense. Like I could offend someone by asking them what their favorite flavor of ice cream was…...lol.

It can be construed as rude. In this scenario, I don’t understand what the benefit to the conversation is to know whether they are currently living together or not. The person who made the comment about it being rude may have a different view on this than you. There are friends and families that share most of the gory details of their lives with each other, and then there are those that prefer boundaries.

Edit: Here is a personal scenario. Mom has three sisters. One of them never had children. I once asked her why Auntie and Uncle didn’t, and she said that they didn’t know, and that it really wasn’t any of our business. This comes from one four sisters that still write to each other each week and get together each year, despite being in their late 80’s and 90’s.

It is the same in other cultures. Here in the US, and with younger generations, it seems like we have let down our hair and are willing to talk about details more openly. In some cases, this can be a good thing. In others, it is intrusive. I am learning to think about the value of gleaning such information before asking. If it is to only benefit my curiosity, I do not ask.

@rebbel Yeah, I would think asking is he banging your baby girl might be considered rude in some circles.

Doesn’t sound rude to me. People are weird.

@SpatzieLover My impression is she doesn’t mind them living together, but she has pushed for her son to get around to finally popping the question (he had told his parents he wanted to marry his girlfriend, but wasn’t sure when or how he would ask). I really think she is more worried about what other people might be thinking.

@Pied_Pfeffer It was just part of the give and take in the conversation. As I said above, it is asked to know how much change it will be for everyone. If they already live together, the only worry or planning is the wedding itself and the honeymoon assuming they go on one. No worries about finding a place together. Moving in, moving furniture, etc. But, @Blackberry makes a good point, maybe it is better to ask nothing. The thing is that makes for a very short and boring conversation. I find it annoying when only one person is carrying the conversation.

That’s a bizarre reaction.

I don’t see it as rude. You were involved in a conversation about the couple; you asked a question about the couple.

@Pied_Pfeffer Why do you think people ask if a couple lives together? To be able to judge they are living in sin? That doesn’t even occur to me, well until now after seeing the reaction when I asked. I grew up with my father telling me I should live with someone before marrying them. I have never had someone react like that, but then we are in the bible belt, and most of my life has not been spent in the bible belt. I know you don’t like to think the south and bible belt are different, but I am pretty sure they actually are, I don’t think it is just in my head.

@JLeslie Asking the question with the intent of knowing how much of a change it might be for this couple (or the extended family) based upon whether they already live together or not is a valid thought. It probably would have crossed my mind as well.

From what has been provided so far, you did not know what their living arrangements already were. Thus, the question was asked. The friend displayed a reaction that you interpreted as leaving her feeling embarrassed. This leads me to believe that the woman was uncomfortable with the question.

Should Friend #3 have said that the question was rude in that scenario? No. At least, not at that moment. She should have waited until you two had an opportunity to chat in private, and it certainly could have been worded differently. Friend #2 answered the question, so personally, I would have let it go. It seems like the confrontation is more about #3 feeling even more uncomfortable about the question asked for whatever reason.

Yes, you and I both live in the Bible Belt and in the same area. I don’t think that this really has anything to do with it. From my limited experience, there are factors like personality, family culture, regional culture, and age that come into play before religion does in a case like this.

As for the statement, I know you don’t like to think the south and bible belt are different, but I am pretty sure they actually are, I don’t think it is just in my head., no it is not just in your head. It is a fact, as it is for many other areas of the US, and for the world, for that matter. In that department we agree.

Where we have parted ways in agreement is when it comes to a scenario of one person stating an opinion and a stereotype being applied. The only example I can think of is the one about a young girl being told that she isn’t allowed to show her midriff in the fitness center. If the center has a rule, no matter how silly it is, it is the rule there. I just wasn’t willing to support it as a blanket statement that this is a conservative issue in the Bible Belt because of one gym’s rules.

@Pied_Pfeffer Once she showed her embarrassment I think my reaction probably calmed any feelings that I might ask it in a judging way. I was like, “what? Why is that a big deal to ask?” She said the parents of the girl don’t realize they live together or something, I was unclear, seems they are very religious and conservative, and I said what I said here, my dad always told me to live with someone before I married them. I think she realized quickly I could care less if they live together or not, no moral judgement there.

I can see how it would be embarrassing in the Bible Belt for a mother to admit that her children were “living in sin” regardless of the age. It’s just the culture.

Yes it is. Most think it is not but the question can raise some things that are not meant for a conversation. And it mostly depends who asks the question.

Well… I dunno. It would’ve been safer to ask in a roundabout way if the couple is very far from each other and where will they live once married. That puts it on the relative to supply as much info’ as is acceptable to them making it easier for you to proceed with what kinds of questions you want to ask.

I would’ve probably asked the question too considering that the woman gave the message she was being open about everything else.

@Hibernate Not meant for conversation? I have no idea what that might be. What would come up not meant for conversation by asking if her son lives with his girlfriend now fiance?

I don’t think it’s rude, but I guess it could be, depending on the context. To me it’s not a big deal, so it’s just making conversation and asking a factual question.

@JLeslie some topics are out of the question for some people. They do not want to talk about such things. That’s why it’s out of the conversation for some. Misconception that one can talk about anything with others or ask any questions. Some just find it rude to be asked about personal informations.

Some years ago I was in this situation and I found out that I do not like nosy people who ask what is not suitable for them. And the person who asked and found out i was aggressive about it said I was rude when we were talking about MY personal life. My life so I lived it how I wanted no matter how or what others were thinking of it.

@Hibernate Yes, but in this case, the friend clearly was ok with talking about this topic and sharing this personal info. It would be rude to ask the friend that randomly and out of the blue if she never brought up their wedding and the details of it. But she did, so the question is more if it’s always rude, not just rude if someone doesn’t share that part of their life with you.

How did you end up with this? That particular someone [and not Jlesie ] asked a personal info when they were talking about the wedding. I don’t think in what is given to us it’s clearly saying they were discussing about personal stuff. But if you were present then you might know more, informations that we don’t.

@Hibernate Bottom of the question reads “She was giving us details and cute stories about them already. It wasn’t like she was all tight lipped about their relationship.” So that’s how I end up at that.

Details and cute stories doesn’t mean she brought it up into the conversation. When you’ll have a kid that will get married and you’ll plan the wedding you’ll know what she’s talking about. When you say a few things they went through together it doesn’t mean you just offer them everything. She talked about how good they are together and they are suited one for another. And if she didn’t want to be asked if they live together she wouldn’t have said things close enough for others to just do the math to end up with the result.

And there’s a difference between sharing some infos and keeping some of those private. One can clearly ask whatever they want but if you do not know the other person to well it’s better not to ask what’s not meant to be asked. If one is a close friend with another then the one telling the stories won’t be bothered by the questions.

It’s just how I see things.

She told us how he proposed, how long they have been dating. We were asking big wedding or little, details about the whole thing. She has told us in a previous conversation her concerns for her younger son (not this same son) concerns that he is not getting his act together for adulthood and she worries about him (which was ver personal in my opinion, we had a whole discussion at that time about how she might be enabling him, well another woman brought that up not me) and she was open to talking about that. I find that much more private, and possibly reflecting on her as a parent, although I personally was not critical of her on the topic, I think being a parent is difficult and tricky. Hard to know what is right for each kid, what will be best. Anyway, she was not just some random women who I have never spoken to before, but even if I never had, whether someone lives with someone else in 2011 in the US should not be shocking, embarrassing, or a secret in my opinion. Or, maybe should is too strong of a word; I just am completely surprised anyone thinks that question is a big deal. But, obviously it is, so I will watch not to ask it again, unless I know I am among people who would not find it offensive.

Well it might not be embarrassing for some but others find it to very embarrassing. I have to say [and I sadly say it and I do not talk about the people I met here on Fluther] that the US is formed by hypocrites. And I’ll give just Bill Clinton’s example. You guys elected him, you supported him and when he became a normal person with affairs and all you people just said “we demote him, we want another to be the head of the state .. not this pathetic looser ”.
When I talk about “you people” I am referring to most US citizens because I don’t really understand who wanted to take him away from the White House after what happened with Monica. I’m sure you understand me here.

@JLeslie I do not find it offensive. I rarely get bothered by what people ask not to mention that if I get asked by people who don’t know me there’s only a 0.1% chance to get offended. And since nobody seem to try and look and understand how the other person felt I just did it. Or else the conversation was not an argument but just people agreeing to the same thing. I’d encourage you to ask more similar questions like this. They might bring a lot of other arguments which are good :P

@Hibernate I don’t know what you are talking about because most of the people who voted for Clinton and like Clinton supported him through the whole Monica thing and would vote for him again if it were possible. A few of us moaned about him being dumb to do such a thing when the Republicans were so out to get him, hated him, and he should have been extra careful and in control of himself for those 8 years, but we who liked him always thought he was a great President, and detested the amount of time and money spent impeaching him.

That’s the attitude I got from most. And when people were shouting for his demotion who was shouting? It’s not like there was only a guy there and everyone could see him. But like I said this doesn’t apply to those who I met here. Still it’s weird.

@Hibernate I still am completely lost, not following what you are saying or who you are talking about. You will have to tell me which people were shouting for his demotion (it’s really removal). Ken Starr went after Clinton, a conservative Republican. Every Democrat in the Senate and a few Republicans voted to acquit Clinton if I remember correctly. And, as I said, the majority of we wee people out here in the stands who voted for Clinton stood behind keeping him in office.

Where do you live? Who are these people you met here? Where?

Never mind. I’ll explain this tomorrow. I’ll send you a message and maybe it will be clearer. It’s to late tonight to reply [my eyes are shutting].