So, should we tell our daughters that they are pretty?

I think you might be interested in this Q. Not the same question as yours, but related. I just asked it a few days ago. When I saw your question, I thought you were linking mine at first, but then I realized it is an article you read onine.

Moderation? “You’re pretty, but…...”

It seems important to stress girls’ other attributes, which I do.

Oh, good god. Yes, tell your daughter she’s pretty. And smart. And fun. All this concern about how we praise our children, if we praise our children is, IMHO way overblown. I trust that my child is intelligent and perceptive enough to understand that when I tell her she’s pretty I do not mean that she needs to obsess for life about her looks, it means I’m her mom and at the moment that was the praise that came out of my mouth. I have way too much respect for the intelligence of children to think that they can’t see the bigger picture.

Bored to tears with this third question in a couple of days here on fluther that is about the same thing. @JilltheTooth – great answer.

Maybe looks shouldn’t be important, but they are. There’s no way your daughter’s going to enter middle school and not figure out that everyone else thinks that looks are important. So if you don’t tell your daughter that she’s beautiful, then she’s going to think that you don’t say it because you think she is ugly. I think it’s important to not only tell her that she’s beautiful, but to do it when others might disagree. For instance, if she’s gained a few pounds (or quite a few pounds), or hasn’t shaved her legs, or hasn’t gotten her eyebrows waxed, still tell her that she’s beautiful. Letting her know that even if the rest of the world disagrees, there’s always at least her mother to be there for her is a great thing. You don’t have to say it every 3 minutes, but not never. And you can tell them that they’re beautiful while stressing other qualities much more.

This whole “lie to your children to protect them” crap smacks of the old “don’t hug and kiss your boy children or they’ll catch ‘the gay’” bullshit my grandfather bought into.

@tom_g With all due respect, you could have ignored the question and moved on to the next one that doesn’t bore you.

You’re right, @Leanne1986. Sorry

Let them know everyone is beautiful in their own way.

Well I know i’ll continue telling her that, despite a nanny state mentality that likes to wrap individuals in cotton wool for fear of, heaven forbid, political incorrectness.

There’s a HUGE difference between telling my daughters they’re pretty, and telling them they’re the most gorgeous girls in the world and no one will ever hold a candle to their awesome beauty.

I only have boys so far, but I tell them that they are handsome. I also tell them that they are smart, clever, talented, good people (well the older one at least, my little one is too little for all that right now). I also tell my son when he does things that are mean, hurtful, or anything like that as well. I point out the good and bad so that he is aware of what he is doing and what he is capable of. It’s all about balance. I’ll do the same thing if we ever have a daughter.

Can’t say it any better than @JilltheTooth. Well said pretty lady!

I agree with @JilltheTooth

We should praise our daughters for ALL of their gifts, having a healthy self perception does not a narcissist make.

Feeling good about ALL of ourselves, with a realistic self assessment of our strenghts and weaknesses is a GOOD thing!

My daughter IS beautiful…people often tell me that she should be a model…she is 14 yrs and really does not have any self esteem and confidence. As often as I tell her that she is really pretty she genuinely believes that she is ugly. However, I do not believe that her being told when she was younger that she is beautiful is the cause of her self esteem issues…I feel it is the affect of environmental issues such as social relationships and her peer reactions to her. I believe that self esteem and confidence grows with maturity and life experience…and I know my daughter will blossom when she finds herself, as I am sure your daughter will do too. As her mum I will always tell her that she is beautiful.

Everything is important.

I think at the end of the day she should know herself that inner beauty is the most important thing in life and outer beauty can only get you so far.

Just teach them to be thankful for what nature gave them. Appreciate good looks and learn to use them in the right way but not be absorbed in their beauty. Rather work on what’s inside than live for the outside. Strike a healthy balance between the two and learn that inner beauty is what you are actually left with in the long run.

I’d tell them or do tell them occasionally but I am so nauseated with all this, “YOU ROCK !!” crap I keep reading on facebook that I think its losing it’s meaning. I had my mother tell me I was beautiful on rare occasions but I didn’t need it. Flash: we have mirrors now. I knew how I rated compared to the other girls. If I heard, “you rock!” and “you’re the greatest” constantly I’d just tune it out. It has lost it’s meaning. We have succeeded, we hope, in raising self esteem. None of the kids now have low self esteem; that’s all in the past and they ALL ROCK. Now they all get trophys or ribbons for being “a good sport.’ So everyone rocks and everyone is beautiful so self esteem issues are gone. We fixed them. We wish. Now, let’s all get together and tell the kids making F’s that they’re brilliant.

My daughter is good looking and I am pleased she is but I never told her so as I didn’t want her to think it was important. I would not have loved her any less however she looked.

I didn’t really answer your question. I think yes, we should tell our daughters they are beautiful and perfect, and funny, and smart, and whatever they are in our eyes.

I said in @JLeslie‘s post that I don’t think beauty relates only to physical looks. Pretty I think does though. So while I would not avoid saying to my child “oh you look very pretty in that dress” or “I think your hair looks pretty”. I would not place a great emphasis on their looks. I have had cause to deflect such attitudes though.

My daughters actually have very similar features but one has very dark hair, eyes and stands out as being very beautiful in a physical sense. The other, perhaps because she is fair, does not stand out as being so dramatically pretty. I think she is stunning but the number of people over the years, even when they were children who would come up and say..“oh isn’t [daughter 1] beautiful!” and not say anything to [daughter 2]. It made me so, so angry and I have made a point of downplaying and avoiding bringing attention to their individual physical looks.

At my second wedding, one of the guests [actually the partner of one of the people we invited rather than our friend] said to daughter 2, “oh your sister may be the beautiful one, but you have the figure”. They both laughed and saw it as being totally inappropriate and shallow but I was horrified. Had I been there I would have called her out on it.

I have always told my children, all of them, how clever, interesting, funny and beautiful (in a complete sense) they are as people. I have never fawned over their prettiness though because I don’t want them to value themselves only in terms of the way they look. I guess it again comes down to one of those ‘everything in balance’ things. We don’t want our children (male or female) to think they are unattractive, but I wouldn’t want my children to see their looks as being their most positive feature/characteristic either. They are wonderful, well balanced, intelligent and very funny, people who happen to be pretty too.

I am very glad that my daughters have never competed in terms of looks. They get on beautifully and are very supportive of each other.

If it harmful and I see bad changes I could stop easy. Though to reverse the process it takes a lot more time and work than just saying ” you are pretty , oh so pretty:.

I was just thinking how Oprah has told a story about a woman telling her when she was young that she is pretty/beautiful I cannot remember the exact wording. It was the first time she had been told it, and it made a big difference from what I can tell. It was one of those moments she never forgot.

I think children know when their parents, grandparents, relatives tell them they are beautiful it is a conveyance of love, not just a comment on a specific physical attribute. Look, one of my favorite features on my husband is a wrinkle near his right eye. LOL. When I tell my husband he looks beautiful he says back, “yeah but you see me through rose colored glasses.” he says he can’t rely on my to tell him honestly of he looks bad or has gained weight, because I always think he looks good.

@Bellatrix Interesting that you describe the darker featured child as being more dramatic and striking physically. I remember a fluther question regarding being called exotic, and some women found it offensive, and I relate exotic to darker features, and I usually find it more attractive. I use exotic as a compliment. The Q surprised me. Do you live in America?

No I am British by birth and live in Australia. My older daughter has really dark eyes and dark hair, my older daughter is not quite Nordic but is blonde and has very fair skin and grey eyes. I think they are both beautiful and stunning. More people seem to comment on my older daughter’s looks.

I praise my daughter all the time, she is a pretty girl, but, I mostly praise her for her artistic talents and keen sense of wisdom for such a youngster. She is only 23

What’s so cool, now, as we are equal adults, are the insights she can give ME!

Not to mention she’s a very talented painter, I want to see her find a way to sell and showcase her artwork. Time is hard for her with a fairly demanding work schedule and I understand this, but…she definitely has the talent to sell her works.

I write, she paints, and we support each other in our creative outlets. :-D

@Bellatrix The older daughter, are her features less common? I picture Australia being very fair and blond. Funny, blond in America is touted, might even say coveted, as being the all American beauty, girl next door.

No, I don’t think so. Hard to describe, but dramatic seems to fit. I think the Spanish actress Penelope Cruz has dramatic, stunning looks. In contrast, Cameron Diaz does not stand out so much. Still very pretty I think, but not so dramatic. I remember looking at them both snuggled up on the sofa one day sleeping (they were a lot younger) and their faces were close together and from the perspective of features it was very clear how alike they look. I think they had just been to their ballet class and their hair was still pulled back in a bun. They aren’t identical at all of course, but not so dissimilar either, they just have quite different colouring.

@Bellatrix Just listening to you, the ballet and the hair, watching them sleeping, makes me think what I always do, how special sister can be. It’s different than a boy and a girl, or a boy and I boy I think. Maybe I think it simply because that is all I know, being one of two girls.

Does the younger one ask to dye her hair? Does their mother have dark hair?

Yes I agree about the bond between sisters. I am sure those with brothers close in age to them might feel differently of course. They have always been close and now go out together, shopping and spend quite a bit of time with each other. They are good friends.

No, she doesn’t want to dye her hair dark. She is happy with her colouring. I am somewhere in the middle… brown .. sighs… not that beautiful dark brown or that lovely light blonde… :-)

@Bellatrix A close girlfriend of mine has two girls, and the younger is blond while mommy, daddy, and her older sister are brunettes. Not to mention there are not any other blonds in the family who she interacts with anyway. She used to get upset when she was very little that her hair was different. When I was growing up my family was always fascinated by blonds and red heads, so I never would have guessed this little girls reaction to her own features.

My daughter is very pretty…naturally without makeup. She has had a rough time of it from her older brother telling her she’s ugly and such so I make a point of telling her she’s beautiful. I do this not to swell her head but to try to combat the feelings of inadequacy that she has going on.

My sister is the most beautiful little girl in the world to me, and I’m going to tell her that. She has to go to a school where she is called a freak and made fun of because she needs braces. I don’t agree with telling her that she is beautiful is telling her that looks matter. Being beautiful is something that every girl is. Especially to the people who love them the most. Telling them they are beautiful is just a self-esteem boost and helps them go out into this world where there are cruel people who try to knock you down.

My daughter’s a tow-head blonde and has blue eyes, but wishes she had brown hair and brown eyes. She’s adorable, and I tell her that, but I also tell her she’s funny, smart, creative, a hard worker, sweet, etc- depending on the situation.
Honestly? People who feel good about themselves inside get better jobs, opportunities and promotions. I don’t mean she has to become looks conscious, no, but if I can give her all the confidence in her range of abilities as I can, that’s what I’ll do.
I do the same for my son—he’s just as gorgeous as she is :D

I didn’t read the entire article, so it’s totally my fault if I’m overlooking something. Also I’m focusing more on girls because I think that’s where the issue usually lies, but of course this is applicable to anybody!
I don’t think we need to stop telling our kids they’re attractive, I just think we need to stop treating them as if their looks are the most important attribute they have. It seems obvious, but girls grow up with the media telling them how to look, their toys providing them with blueprints for how they’re “supposed to” look, and oftentimes even their parents telling them how they should groom themselves to be “presentable”, as if they’re partaking in a dog show. That, I think, is the main problem.

To say that we just shouldn’t tell our children they’re pretty is oversimplifying it. Girls can be pretty and intelligent and a million other things; there is no need to sacrifice one trait in lieu of another. We should however, while telling them that they’re beautiful, help them realize that there isn’t one definition of what beautiful is, and that looks aren’t the only things that control how they’re perceived or how happy they are. Negative comments about other people’s looks should be kept in check as well. There’s no point in teaching a child that there are all types of beauty while making a snide comment about someone else being unattractive, as I think that insulting someone else based on their appearance draws more significance to looks than a compliment.

Of course tell them they are pretty! Tell them that she is special, that she has a potential to do anything, and that she is the best thing happened to you. She is your daughter… That’s what mothers do. (Or in my opinion has to do)
My parents were like that… They often told me how beautiful I was and I’m 18 and they still do. It’s nice to know your parents don’t think you are ugly. Also, who else is going to say it? The only truth for a kid is their parents mouth… Let the daughter know she is lovely.
Not to mention, don’t just say “You are beautiful”. Compliment her personality too. Find something that you love in her and tell her that she is special in that way. Do it often.
I’m so glad to have parents like mines. And for me, true beauty is what’s inside. So that is not true. When someone else tells me “You’re so pretty!” I blush and say “No you are!”.
I’d say, raise your kid as if she is special. Now, because my parents raised me the way they did(I suppose), I am opening a new shelter for homeless dogs in Europe. It’s almost finished. And I believe I can make a change in the world. Raise your kid that way. We need more people to help me.

I was thinking about this and what came to mind was it matters how parents treat others or comment on others looks in front of their kids, it is not just telling them they are beautiful or not. Sure the media and peers give all sorts of messages, but children still look to their parents. If you comment on looks all the time, saying an actress is beautiful, or has a great body, or a friend of their lost some weight,I think children need to hear where they stand in your eyes, because they would seek the attention the parent spends time on judging others maybe?

No, those judgments do far more harm than good. Tell your daughters about things they have done to enrich your life.