Does a troubled past affect your reaction to betrayal?

Actions speak louder than words and anyone would feel betrayed (regardless of their past) by what he did and would not trust him.

I think you should remove yourself from the situation if you already haven’t. Your past aside, he cheated several times. Seems to me those are his true colors. No one deserves that type of dishonesty. You deserve better.

What are you doing meeting him halfway?

He cheated on you.

With two different women. That he has had long-term relationships with.

Which he expects to be ongoing even after he has cheated.

He has blamed everything but the kitchen sink for cheating including you!

Run, don’t walk, away from this loser.

A troubled past would affect practically every aspect of your life; we are all the accumulation of our past experiences.

That doesn’t mean that your reaction is incorrect, however. I don’t have a troubled past, and I would’ve kicked his ass, right before I kicked him to the curb.

If anything, (from my perspective) if your background had been more conventional you would have thrown his ass out of the relationship long ago. Not to psychoanalyze you, but it is not at all uncommon for people with backgrounds such as yours to think “this time is different” and to tolerate abusive behavior because it is familiar.

For him to excuse his behavior by referencing your childhood is crap. He violated your trust; it was not you refusing to accept his cheating and lying.

Run like a rat from a sinking ship.

As I reflect on the intial stages of our relationship I fell for my partner hook line and sinker and feel that he was very manipulative with words…memories of things we did, songs he played feel tarnished now. However, 11 months into our relationship I fell pregnant, it really wasnt planned but believe due to my past and coming from a dysfunctional background, I relentlessly negotiated with him to make it work for our childs sake. I feel that I have strong family values and want my son to know his daddy, I would walk coals for my boy and couldnt imagine my world without him. I am also a social worker and tend to look at things using an ‘holistic’ approach and strive to understand people…my partner I feel has consistently took advantage of this trait in my personality.
So @zenvelo although I do agree with your statement to a degree, for me ‘this time is different’ due to there being a baby involved now. My partner gets so frustrated at me as he knows my trust for him is ‘nil’ although I do truly want to trust him and forgive him for his past mistakes. However, I am not the 1st person who he has treated like this, his marriage was a ‘circus’ and he had a relationship with another female besides his female friend not long before I met him and he consistently slept with his then wife to the knowledge of them both. So yes it is a niggle that all what he has put me through is a reflection of his ‘true colours’...but I also have my boys wellbeing to consider.

@definitive Do you really want to raise your boy to have that as his male role model? I can understand wanting to stay together to have the family unit, but think about what kind of role model he is being for your son. Is that really good for your son?

Sometime fellas need a giant wakeup call before they mature to the next level. In other words, they need to be knocked flat off their high horse before trading boyhood for manhood. A man takes responsibilities for his actions, and doesn’t repeat the mistakes he made as a boy.

Coming home to find you and son gone will speak much more clearly than any manipulative conversation you could ever have with him. Disappearing in complete silence has a way of tinkering with a mans mind beyond any perceived nagging about their past mistakes.

Give him the gift of experiencing a few weeks without any possible contact with you. You may find a completely renewed person becomes of it. Renewed for both of you.

People naturally disrespect weakness. Show him a touch of consolidated strength and gain his respect without ever saying a word.

@RealEyesRealizeRealLies…I did leave him about two months ago for a 2 week period but did not refrain from contact with him as I do not believe that childen should be caught in the middle of relationship breakdowns and contact should be maintained. My partner asked me to go back and agreed that changes would be made and there would be agreements in place…our difficulties were also regarding domestic issues etc…I agreed to the changes. Subsequently he has come out with the above statement about my past and stated that since I’ve come back I am ‘getting my own way’...thus not accepting him for who he is.
@Seaofclouds…acknowledging your comment…yes I have a lot to consider.

I hate it when guys (or girls) try to justify bad behavior by saying the other person is crazy or psychotic. You have every right to be pissed, and his son can have tea with his girlfriends kid at his ex’s house. The whole “friendship” would be a deal breaker for me.
The real issue of your past is, that you are used to putting up with abuse and you don’t feel you deserve any better than him. I assure you, no matter how much trauma your parents put you through, you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect; something this guy knows nothing about. He is using your history, hoping that since abuse and/or neglect is in your history, you will tolerate it in the future. Will you?

P.s I am due to return to work after being on maternity leave and my fear is that he will reinstate his friendship with his female friend who he will no doubt see most days doing the school run…my partner works from home and currently there ‘appears’ to be no contact between them unless my partners son requests that a tea visit is organised.

@definitive ; I posted my first response before I read all the posts. Having a child involved does make it more difficult, but not impossible to separate yourself from this kind of abuse. I left my oldest daughters father when I found out I was pregnant. I knew that the lifestyle I would live with him would not be a healthy way to raise a child.
I never spoke a bad word about him to her, and I never denied him access to her.
As it turned out, he spent her entire childhood working under the table and finding jobs that couldn’t get child support attached to his wages. He was so busy avoiding child support that he chose not to be a part of her life. (I never chased him for child support, but I was on welfare for a time and the state went looking for him.)
As far as my daughter knew, the only reason we were not together was because of our differing religious beliefs.
As a teenager I helped her find him and she made up her own mind about how she felt about him.
My daughter is a 30 year old mother and teacher now, completely well adjusted and has chosen by her own judgment not to have a relationship with her manipulative father. She even said to me, “Mom, why didn’t you warn me?”
I told her that I would never criticize a part of her. She was wonderful and amazing and I never wanted her to think that she came from anything negative.
In my opinion, she grew up much more well adjusted than if I would have lived with her father. He would have played and manipulated her the same way he did me. Sometimes, it’s best for the kids if you get out earlier than later.

First of all, don’t think that if you watch him closely, you can keep him from his girlfriends. You can’t keep him on a leash short enough and strong enough to make him faithful to you. In any case, he’s not faithful even if he never touches her again.

Second, the idea that if your past were more “settled” you would tolerate his relationships is not true. You distaste for the arrangement does not make you psychotic. The standard rule in this country is that a marriage is made of one man and one woman. Most religious beliefs suggest that these relationships should be exclusive.

Multiple relationships are the exception and they are very difficult to arrange. Most arrangements founder on the jealousy that one person or another feels.

It is laudable that you want to keep your son’s father in the picture, but that does not mean you have to live in the same domicile as his father.

He is very unlikely to stop this relationship with the other woman (women?). If you want to remain with him, I think you need to look at this and ask yourself whether he would be any more in your life whether or not this woman is around. If he would spend the same amount of time and pay the same amount of attention to you if she were not in the picture then do you gain anything by kicking him out or do you lose anything by staying with him?

In Europe, it is much more common for couples to have “arrangements.” The husband and/or the wife have lovers outside the marriage. No one talks about it, but everyone knows it is happening. Social mores seem to keep people from expressing their jealousy as much as a woman might express it in more prudish nations.

So it is not unreasonable to try to contain your jealousy and focus on what you do have. Of course, you want to stay safe, so your man has to wear condoms and get tested for STDs on a regular basis. If he has permission (so to speak) to do this, he may eventually tire of it, since it is no longer secret nor forbidden.

But there is one last thing. I have to wonder why you want him around. He does not sound like a very good partner. He insults you and accuses you of being mentally ill and generally does not seem nice. If you keep him, whether or not he gives up the other women, I would suggest couples counseling. At the very least you should work on your communications skills. You didn’t say it, but the tone of your comments suggests to me that living in your home is not pleasant due to the relationship dynamics. Your son is picking this up and it hurts him. You have to deal with that issue if you want to stay together.

It sound like this man is using your past to attempt to justify his bad behavior. This is pretty typical of men who like to sleep around, but want their SO’s to think that they are in a monogamous relationship. He is blaming YOU!

It doesn’t matter how much of a bereavement this guy suffered. Sleeping around and losing a loved one are not connected. Your average husband/boyfriend does not run out and sleep around at the news of a death in the family. He’s using the bereavement as an excuse. I’m sad so I slept with my ex girlfriend and my ex wife Can you imagine even doing the same thing? Or trying to justify it in the way that he’s doing?

He knows full well, that because you did have a difficult past and probably have some lingering trust issues, that he is blaming you for his cheating, because he knows that you will probably accept the blame. The problem is, you are NOT to blame. He is.

He’s a habitual cheater and liar. The sooner you realize this about him the better off you will be, at least you will be if you if you pack up your things and leave him permanently. You don’t need to cut off contact between him and your child. Contact a family law lawyer and find out what your rights and responsibilities are. He will need to pay child support and if both of you agree, he will get some type of visitation with your child. But just because you have a child in common, that is no reason to stay with a man who lies to you, cheats on you, manipulates you and then blames you for all of the bad deeds that he does.

If you do stay with him your child will learn that it’s OK for daddies to treat mommies poorly. And your child is likely to end up doing the same thing to his wife, or if your child is a girl, she is likely to get involved with a man who cheats on her and she too will blame herself.

Thank you to you all for your responses…I know you are all stating the obvious and in my head I know the right decision would be to leave him and make a life for me, my daughter and my 6 month old son…I just feel like its going to take a lot of strength to take that huge step…again, and this time see it through.

Yes a troubled past can effect how we resond to a betrayal in our relationship. However, some people can use that as an excuse to blame you for things. Seems to me you are an escape goat for this man. Also, could you really ever trust him again???????? Better to do what is best for yourself and those you love. People with troubled pasts are often blamed for problems in a relationship and true, it can affect it. But if the troubled past is in the past…..then leave it there and do not allow anyone to use that against you for any reason. I hope you leave this man alone. He obviously does not deserve you.

@definitive Yes, it will be a big step. And don’t look at it as doing it again. Simply look at it as knowing that you have to move out for your own sake, but mostly for the sake of your children. You just can’t allow them to grow up in a household in which you, their mother, is taken for granted and treated like dirt, or else they will expect that that is how women should be treated.

Tomorrow, start making your plans to move out. Find out where you can move to, either on your own, or with family or friends. Contact and family law lawyer and figure out what your rights and responsibilites are and how to start proceedings. If you think this man is dangerous, then try to do these things discreetly and in secret if you have to, and then enlist the help of some male friends or relatives (or even the police if you need to) to make a safe get away.

You may not (at this point) look at your situation as though your man is being abusive, but he clearly is being abusive, emotionally and mentally towards you, even if he has never hit you. Check out this site to see some of the characteristics of an abuser.

If you need some help getting away from this man because you are scared, or simply overwhelmed and need some assistance on forming a plan to move away from him, you should contact the The National Domestic Abuse Hotline It does’t have to be an emergency for you to call them. They can help you formulate of plan to leave.

Please don’t put off leaving, as daunting as it may sound. Staying is not in yours or your children’s best interest.

He is trying to use your past to justify his present. What he did was wrong and you feeling betrayed is perfectly justified and normal.

In saying that, I think the way we react to things that happen in our present can be affected by what has happened in our past. We learn from our experiences. Our experiences therefore influence the way we view events/behaviours etc. we experience in our present.

Nonetheless, that doesn’t mean people can use our past to try to validate their bad behaviour.