Is butting out of a bad relationship enabling?

I think it is also an element of people not being honest with themselves. If they get too caught up in the short-comings of the other people in their lives they can sacrifice and even forget about their own needs. The worst is when you start having expectations that the other person will be there for you and then they bail on you when the going gets tough…that really blows.

It’s not really any of your business, and if they ask you what you think, you respond accordingly. “What I think doesn’t matter, it’s what you think that matters”. This isn’t enabling, it’s setting a boundary.

I think if it’s someone you’re very close to, you get to (nicely) tell that person what you think one time. Stick to the facts, and don’t judge.

If s/he reacts badly, you never bring it up again. But if your friend is already having concerns, s/he will be glad to have someone to talk to honestly.

@Aethelflaed Can’t say I really agree with that. I think the moment someone asked you for your opinion they made it your business. If they didn’t want to really know your point of view than they should’ve never asked. Or they could say “Hey, what do you think? And by that, I mean, I want to hear how great he/she is.” Oh, and please ignore the black eye he/she gave me or the fact that this person does drugs.

@Pandora No they haven’t. Nor does it mean that just because someone is trying to make it your business, you have to take them up on it, or agree that it’s now your business. If you ask me “Do you think I should do [something really weird and freaky in the sack] with my husband”, do you really think I should have to answer that, instead of telling you that it’s not appropriate for you to ask me that? If you don’t feel comfortable telling someone how you think and feel about their relationship, then you don’t have to. It’s still none of your business, and that’s a polite way of telling them that. I agree that people who don’t want to hear the truth about things shouldn’t ask the question in the first place, but just because they asked an inappropriate question doesn’t mean you have to enable their inappropriateness and reply inappropriately. If you don’t want to tell them that their jerk bf is awesome, then don’t, but that doesn’t mean you have to tell them that he’s a jerk, either.

You know they don’t want to really hear the truth. If you tell the truth, sometimes they stay in the relationship because they want to prove you wrong. However, if you tell a lie. Aren’t you enabling this person, because if they had any doubts, you may have just erased the doubt.

I know many people like this. I have not always stepped up to the plate, because with a few people, I knew they were not receptive to anyone else’s opinion/thoughts on the matter.

That said, however, I could witness no more of my FIL’s treatment to my MIL. I stepped in and laid down a few lines a couple of years ago. Apparently some part of what I did and said sunk in. She is now in regular therapy, identifies herself as “in an abusive relationship” and is talking about “feelings”...these are things she did not do in the past.

Only you can be the judge of your situation @Pandora. I now realize that for me to live an honest life, I will refuse to allow the mistreatment of those around me. I’ll “butt out” of a bad relationship, but only after explaining why I am doing so.

We recently dumped a friend due to her lying ways. It was difficult, but we gave her explicit examples of what we couldn’t tolerate.

I think for the most part the question is a non-starter.

What I mean by that is that unless you have specific, detailed knowledge of the person you’ve just been introduced to, that is, that you have prior experience or knowledge of this person that your friend may not know about, and the “new introduction” isn’t really new to you for that reason, you can’t possibly “know” more about them than your friend who has made the introduction and hopes for a good review. So except for those (probably rare) occasions, you’re being introduced to someone that your friend knows better than you do. Regardless of what you “sense” about the person and regardless of your opinions about how he or she is behaving toward your friend, you don’t know him or her as well as your friend does.

That doesn’t mean that your opinion (“I don’t like the sonofabitch”) is invalid, it simply means that it’s less fact-based than your friend’s. Or let’s say ”even less fact-based”, because your friend’s opinion may be almost as badly formed as your own if he’s thinking with his sex organs, but at least his opinion is based on more experience, of whatever quality, and however obtained.

So you don’t “enable” your friend by withholding a bad opinion or giving a favorable one. It’s not your place to enable your friend or to help him choose his partner/s. If you’re asked for an opinion of a partner or potential partner, then your more or less honest response, dictated by your own ethics, knowledge, experience and tact, is all that your friend requests. You have no more responsibility than that, and that much only if you choose it.

If you’re a private investigator and being asked for a professional opinion, then that’s a different story.