Why do people get offended if someone pities them?

I think that pity feels condescending. Compassion or sympathy is showing concern. It’s hard to describe the difference in tone of voice, but pity feels insulting.

I’m in a situation where my friends could pity me. I think I would resent it if they did, because it would imply that I couldn’t handle it and would offer an opportunity for me to feel sorry for myself. I like it when they support the strength I have to cope.

Can’t improve on what @tedibear said.

You feel compassion for someone who is grieving. You pity someone who is stupid.

I can answer this because I have been pitied OFTEN.

Pity and compassion are not the same. Compassion comes from an equal stance, pity from a superior stance. Pity looks down on someone, compassion stands with someone.

Sympathy’s also different—it’s to care for someone else’s pain, but empathy is to feel it too.

No matter what it is—if someone DECIDES for me that my situation is a misfortune, they can kindly go to hell and I’ll give them a map. I decide what is a misfortune for me, not others. If I decide… this experience is horrible… then someone shares empathy, sympathy or compassion, I’m all for that and it is appreciated.

Most pity comes from people deciding for others that their situation is a misfortune. See a guy in a wheelchair, “Awww.” He doesn’t appreciate it, I guarantee that. See a deaf gal signing and chatting with her friends, “Awww, she misses so much…” and might miss that she is a few classes away from a PhD, and is an international traveler and a published writer. Pity shows ignorance and, yes, can be very offensive.

@Dutchess_III I don’t think so

You can pity a women who just lost her husband and had to work two jobs two support her little children but you wouldn’t think she is stupid, its not her fault her husband died !

@sophiesword I wouldn’t pity a woman in that situation, actually. I’d wonder how she is doing, hope she’s getting through okay, would ask her how she was doing, and if I know her well, I’ll offer to babysit her kids from time to time for free.

The funny thing is—from my experience, most people don’t mind pity until they’re the ones on the receiving end of pity, then they understand why it’s offensive.

@sophiesword As everyone is saying, there is a difference between “pity” and “compassion.” To quote @linguaphile “Compassion comes from an equal stance, pity from a superior stance. Pity looks down on someone, compassion stands with someone.”

nice quote where did you hear it ?

Which quote?

the one @Dutchess_III quoted

It’s my own—glad you like it :)

pretty interesting !!

@sophiesword When you post a question you’re supposed to read the answers. @linguaphile posted that right above your post where you said you disagreed with me. Hell! I could have taken credit for it!!!!

Do you?

@linguaphile – Thank you! That’s what I was trying to say. “Pity comes from a superior stance. In my head I had a picture of a snotty looking woman peering down her nose at someone whom she pitied and I could not get the words to come out. You did it perfectly.

Thinking of Mrs. Oleson on the Little House series. haha

Oooh, tsk, tsk, how sad. ;-)

Excellent sharing @linguaphile Bravo!

Yay! The question got fixed!

I SAID THAT, NOT @linguaphile!! I did!

@tedibear @Coloma Thank you both! :) I love the mental picture of Mrs. Oleson!

But want to add… Pity doesn’t always look superior—it can be patronizing or seemingly benevolent. One example… I was eating dinner with my family at a restaurant and all through our dinner, this woman looked at us with this scrunched up-almost crying smile. I had similar experiences before so I just ignored her. Right as she was leaving, she scooted up to our table, hands wrung tight, head shaking, tears spilling out of her eyes, and said, “Bless you, bless you, bless you all! If you believe, Jesus will heal you! If you pray hard enough, if you believe, you will be healed!” She walked backwards as she was leaving, waving to us like a beauty queen. No condescending look at all, but dripping with sticky saccharine pity. It was more comical than upsetting, though.

My response: I was too stunned, my kids were too, and we just looked at each other, then a good 15 seconds later WTF finally dawned on us.

@Dutchess_III Yes, you did say it :)

So I get all the proceeds, right @linguaphile?!

So she did this out of the blue? How very strange….and exactly what dawned on you? I don’t get it….

Pity is a weak feeling. Compassion is embracing. No one wants to be seen as weak.

@Dutchess_III The whole weirdness dawned on us—so many levels here… religion, boundaries, respect, misdirected kindness, the dramatic-ness, the messages she sent my kids, the whole spectacle—bottom line, it was motivated by pity and her assumption that we needed this, and her assertion that she had the power to decide, then the right to tell us…

Good summary, @MacBatman31

Totally self righteous, rude and OUT OF LINE! I agree! But why did she choose you guys? Why not some other table?

“Compassion comes from an equal stance, pity from a superior stance. Pity looks down on someone, compassion stands with someone.” Yes. Although, I think many people are easily confused by the two, so they might get totally offended by pity that’s really compassion. And I’ve never gotten why if someone is so dead set on proving how “they don’t need your stinking pity”, they’re bothered that much by someone else’s totally irrelevant opinion; it’s not like it makes life harder for them or something, so really they should just keep on keeping on like they say they’re going to do instead of having this whole “don’t pity me” argument.

Although, I think if you are in a real ‘the pits’, horrible situation, like if you are shoe-less with nothing to eat, then I think you would be glad to be pitied.