How do you deal with uncertainty about the health of a loved one?

My emotions are all over the map. Mostly I try to hold myself in check until all the facts are in.

It is very important not to put your emotions on the patient to deal with. Find your support elsewhere.

You focus on her, her needs and what can help her. Do I remember you saying that you had a not-so-close relationship with her?

Is now the time to repair that?

I think everyones first reaction is to feel some anxiety and fear, but, not a thing you can do until the test results are thoroughly looked over.

I remind myself that worrying makes no difference and does nothing but cause harm to my mind and body.

Do not take what I am about to say
the wrong way. I am NOT minimizing the sadness of loved ones that we fear losing, BUT….staying grounded and understanding that everyone HAS to die of SOMETHING, sooner or later helps.

None of us get out of here alive, regardless of how much attention we put into our health.

I hope the best for your mothers outcome, I am simply reminding you that there are things beyond your control, all of our control, and finding your way to acceptance of what is, is the only sane path to pursue.

Best wishes to your and your mother.

I took one day at a time and tried to stay as positive and focused as possible. My mother was in the ICU and for the time she was awake I talked with her, joked with her and read to her. I did the same when my sister was in ICU.

You’re in my thoughts. It is never easy dealing with uncertainty of this magnitude.

Oof. I have very little experience with this side of the situation. I’m usually the one my loved ones are worrying about. I always say that I have the easier role than they have. From the other point of view, I’d say that she does not want you to be scared. Much, much, much easier said than done of course. Surely she feels she must try to be hopeful, and she wants you to be able to feel hopeful too.

As @Coloma says, and as it has taken me a very long time to figure out, worrying is a rather useless activity. Of course it happens naturally in these sorts of situations. But it happens by choice sometimes too. I’ve recently made the realization that I spend a lot of time feeling like I must worry. Do you ever feel this way as well? I must worry, it is my responsibility to do so. If I really care about my mother, then I must worry about her when she might be ill. I need to have a game plan for when things go wrong, so I must think about what might go wrong and plan for the worst. I must worry about things that haven’t happened yet and may never happen. Therapy is helping me with this. Worry is, in truth, independent of the physical world; it’s all in your head. This seems obvious, but I know I’ve felt on some level in the past that I must worry, must pay scary situations my attention, or they will progress outside my control. The truth is, they progess outside your control whether you worry or not. The worry can have some pretty awful physical and mental effects on you too, if it’s spread out over a long time.

For now, spend some good time with your mother, try to laugh, and try to keep your mind in the here and now instead of in the millions of possible futures that may await you tomorrow. Wun day atta time. :)

And I also want to add that @marinelife made a very good point about putting your emotions on her. It’ll make her sad if she sees that her situation is affecting you badly. She doesn’t want to feel responsible for that. I know the worried loved ones need support just about as badly as the patient does, but try to get your support elsewhere. My mom does a whole lot of very obvious worrying about me and it makes me feel guilty.

I’ll be thinking of you and yours, hoping for the very best outcome.

Seconding (thirding?) what @marinelife and @Mariah said about not putting your emotions on her. Don’t let her think you don’t care, but don’t put her in the position of having to reassure or comfort you.

Mariah Great answer. Really well said. I cannot add anything to that.

Get out of your head and in to other people’s as much as you can; both family members and others.

When my Mother-In-Law was facing heart surgery, she founr a support group of people who are going through the same thing. She said it really helped a lot. Maybe you could try that.

I’ve let myself go ahead and have a safe place and amount of time to panic, all of it. After a time then I start reprocessing from a stance of reason and I feel better. To me, it’s become not easier but a little quicker, less traumatizing to let myself fall apart now and then over the things that frighten or sadden me I have no impact on or control over.

Sorry to hear about this though.

My dad recently visited a new cardiologist and found out that he’ll need a valve replacement within the next few years. He’ll be getting a pig valve, and they have a lifespan of about 15 years. He’s 65, and so has decided to have the surgery sooner rather than later – he wants to get it done now rather than wait until it’s absolutely necessary. I’m scared.

Until you know something as a fact, just keep your cool.