Should I set guidelines for my 42 year old daughter?

No, you don’t have to set guidelines for her. She’ll be fine. After all, she is an adult.

You sit down and tell her the rules of the house that would apply to any adult visiting your home.

I assume that you give her a key and let her come and go as she pleases.

You tell her your expectations regarding housework.

It will all be much better if you tell her in advance. Make it a conversation not a laying down of the law.

Adding a new adult to an existing household can be stressful, even if it is your child. It would be valuable to talk this over with your wife first and decide on some expectations first. Then talk to the daughter and find out what her expectations are. Between the three of you, come to an amicable agreement, and make sure it is open for discussion down the road. New situations may crop up.

Any particular reason you cannot trust her to manage her affairs in a respectful adult manner?

How would you handle any 42 year old adult coming to live with you? Have enough respect for your daughter to treat her like a 42 year old adult.

I agree with @marinelife that you ought to explain the house rules as they would apply to anyone. For example, if she’s a smoker and you don’t allow smoking indoors, that’s one right there. If your area has peak times/prices for electricity, for example, and you prefer to minimize energy use during those hours, let her know. Work out how you’ll take care of any financial contributions on her part. With respect to her visitors, just make sure your daughter knows the house rules and is prepared to enforce them. Y’know, the basic stuff. Even if you think she already knows, go over it again just to be on the safe side.

Talk about what you and your wife expect, and about what she expects. There’s no reason for it to go badly as long as everyone knows what’s expected of whom.

I wouldn’t give her any guide lines honestly. I would treat her as an adult so long as she acts like an adult. Benefit of the doubt until she does something I don’t like, then a guideline is applied.

There is a difference between house rules and parental guidelines. Although she is your daughter, she is also a grown woman. Just as with any border you get to set the rules of the house. However, just as with any (adult) border, you do not get to do things like set curfew, tell her who she can and can’t date, etc…

This will be quite a change for you and your wife. You’ll have to wear pants when you use the computer. ;-)
Some points to consider: Will your daughter be contributing to the household expenses? Will she help maitain the porperty? Will food prep be special to accommodate her needs?

Remember, this is quite stressful for her too. (If this is the daughter you mentioned in another thread (many problems) then limits must be set. You do not want to worry about theft while you are away.)
Are you concerned about her ‘friends”? They will now know exactly when you are out of town. .

Thanks for the answers. WorriedGuy…..yes, I will have to wear pants at the computer from now on. But, that’s okay. I think I will just play this by ear and see what developes. She has prospects for a great job at Vanderbilt. Her medicene is very expensive and she has no insurance. This is a great concern for us. Any suggestions on any medical assistance out there for a person with this disease? Help!

I think you just trust the job you did raising her.

I’m wondering why the mention of her Crohn’s. Is she coming home because she is sick and can’t work? If so, my suggestion would be not to impose guidelines. That will make her feel like a child, when really her situation is not due to laziness or any fault of her own – she’s sick.

Crohn’s is very often made worse by stress, so if she can feel as relaxed as possible at home, she’ll get back on her feet all the sooner for it.

Best wishes for you and yours.

SpacePoet and Mariah, both of you have made up my mind with your answers. My daughter was raised on the good values of life and she has passed them on to her children. I expect no problems whatsoever. I only asked this question, since this was an entirely new area that I have not dealt with. Thanks Mariah for the best wishes and you know I wish the same for you. jp

Why on earth would you? I just can’t wrap my head around this question. She’s 42!, she’s a mother, she’s dealing with a disease and you’re thinking about rules?

You mentioned that the meds are expensive. You might want to do a search (or have her do a search) to look for clinical trials where they are trying out new drugs and will give them for free to research subjects.

@answerjill The trouble with that is that the kinds of drugs people with Crohn’s disease need are maintenance drugs that they need to stay on longterm in order to stay healthy.

I assume she had a lapse in insurance and is having trouble getting insured again due to a “pre-existing condition” (I hate that)? I can’t imagine trying to pay for mesalamine or infliximab without insurance. Isn’t there a clause in the universal health care act that is going to outlaw discrimination against people with pre-existing conditions at some point? Hopefully she can get some help from that.

Talk to your wife first and decide together what you both want in your household and then pass that on to your daughter so no one’s toes get stepped on.

House rules, yes. Parent/child rules, no.

As far as meds, maybe at the local university there may be a study on Crohn’s Disease, and they may be able to supply the meds free of charge, for participating in the study.

One thing I can think may be an issue with an adult child in the house is if she were to have male visitors, can they stay overnight? How will that be handled? If not an issue at present, it may come up in the future.

@Mariah – Yup, I know. I have a close family member who has this illness. She was invited to be in one of these studies.