You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, what do you do?

I’ve been in a similar situation. I asked the criticizers to please desist as I am friends with the person and their conversation made me very uncomfortable. They desisted. If they had not, then I would no longer have respected or admired them. If you are wondering if I defended the criticized person, no I didn’t, I didn’t think it was appropriate in that situation. The person wasn’t there, so there was no need to “have their back” so to speak. A refusal to participate and a request to stop was enough.

Lob meatballs in their eyes with a dessert spoon, then explain, expect an apology & move on to the next course.

Stop them immediately. In fact, lately I just try to stop any trash-talking that happens in my presence, regardless of whether or not the trashed person is my friend.

It depends on whether the truth is being told or not. You know your friend and you will have to make this decision. I have always come to the aid of a friend that I know is a good person.

I have always said, “if you can’t say something good about a person, then don’t say anything at all”.

I am sorry to say that this world is full of backstabbers.

I would tell them it’s not true then punch them in the nose. Those dirty bastards ;)

Ask them to stop. Tell them that person is your friend. That should stop them pretty quickly. If not, I would get up and leave.

I honestly have been in this situation several times.

When it is my turn to speak I typically say, “Oh, I love that person, one time…” and then I tell the most positive story I can about them. Then I change the subject.

I’d explain that the person is a good friend of mine, and ask them to change the subject because it makes me uncomfortable. If they didn’t stop talking badly about my friend, I’d leave.

Stand up for you friend! They are not there to defend themselves.

I would inform them that I see things differently and explain why. No big fuss either.

I’d say “I’m friends with her. I’d prefer not to be a part of or hear this discussion.”

I’d actually probably lose my admiration pretty quickly, simple as that. And once I lose that admiration, they better watch it, basically. I’d just say ‘we’re good friends’ and give them a look, I have this one look, they’d get the point.

Actually, not care. They’re just as entitled to their negative opinion about the friend as I am of my positive opinion, and who am I to decide what’s warranted and what’s not – it’s not outside the realm of possibility that they could know something I don’t? I wouldn’t join in, and I might try to steer the conversation to something we could all partake in, but I also wouldn’t vocalize the opposing view. Not everyone likes everyone else, and somewhere in the world there’s probably someone saying bad things about you. Such is life.

I was in a situation sort of like this once as a teen. It was my second summer working at a conference center, and a few of us were sitting out on the back porch in rocking chairs trying to catch a cool breeze. A few of my friends started talking about one of the ‘new’ kids. They were making comments about his looking more like a tennis player than a football player, putting out a limp hand, and laughing.

It made me angry. I told them, “That’s my brother you are talking about.” That stopped their comments cold. Note: He isn’t really my brother, but we looked enough alike that they believed it. I told Kenny that I made up a lie about us, and he played along for the rest of the summer.

Most of us stoop to a low level at some point in our lives. If I respect that person, I’d call them out on it. I hope that my friends would do the same for me.

I object and tell them they should tell these things to him/her not hiding when they say them.

It’s highly unlikely with my friends but hypothetically if this scenario was happening then I’d speak up and say I’d been having a nice friendship with the shite-talked person and was surprised they had such different experiences. My friends would probably chide me I didn’t know the person as they did yet or else they’d apologize to me and change the subject. My friends and I treat each other pretty well.

I would say something like, “Hey, that’s my friend you’re talking about.” Not in an angry or accusative tone, but with an undertone that says “leave off, please.”

I was in a situation where a group of women were taking a verbal chainsaw to my close friend’s husband, and she wasn’t there. I have never been so uncomfortable- their malice and anger was disturbing and it was like they were one-upping each other on how ugly they could make this guy. I defended him a few times before I excused myself and left the gathering. When I wouldn’t return to their monthly rip-sessions, I became one of the people they hung on the meat hook to claw into (and was there for 4 years)... but that was perfectly fine, even though it hurt, because I was THRILLED to not be like them.

I told myself that over and over that I was not like that and joining them would slowly turn me into them. In the end, I had the perfect peace of mind when I was around my friend and her husband that I was a true and honest friend (and never told them).

Say something like “hey, hey, hold it, she’s a friend of mine, I don’t want hear any bad talk about her.” And change the subject. If they continue, I tell them I was serious, no bad mouthing my friend.

I’ve had friends talk badly about another one of my friends and it’s really an unpleasant situation, especially if they know you’re friends with the person and still don’t tone it down. I don’t think everyone has to like everyone, and it’s okay to be honest, but to talk poorly of someone I think highly of in my presence is pretty distasteful.
In my situation I stood up for the friend in question. It happened more than once (there was really petty high school drama involved in this), and I simply left the conversation because I didn’t want part of it.

I find it interesting that many people here are only concerned that the target of the trash-talk happens to be their friend. What if that person was not your friend? Nobody is concerned the person in question is not there to defend herself/himself? Nobody is uncomfortable with the motivations that cause trash-talking? Nobody is concerned about the effects trash-talking has on the trash-talkers?

@tom_g : The Q asked specifically about a friend. It’s not that the people here are only concerned about that, as if we would not be concerned otherwise, we’re addressing what was asked. You’re ascribing some nasty stuff to us without basis.

@JilltheTooth – You’re right. My bad.

Although, in my defense, what I’m getting at here is: what if the question was really, “You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start spitting on a close friend of yours, what do you do?” I suppose I was thinking that people would be more concerned that their friends are spitting on someone – even if the person isn’t my friend.

Also, I have had some personal experiences with trash-talking lately, so I’m probably just pulling my own shit in here. Sorry.

Maybe a spin-off Q? It’s not a bad point.

@tom_g If the question is asked I will answer it…or I will answer it here shorty: I have stood up for the ending of gossip.

@tom_g I answered about friends, but about strangers or people I don’t like, my answer’s about the same. I left that chainsaw-gossip-gang, period, then became their target because I had different principles. That action says more than my words could say.