Is there any way to help a friend who is a mess?
I have an internet friend who seems to be in a lot of trouble. She and her husband are unemployed. She is trying to find a college for her kid to go to next year. Her father just passed away and her mother is in and out of the hospital. Her mother lives several hours away.
In addition, she is an alcoholic, and, I think, she is hooked on some prescription drugs of quasi-legality. Oh. If that weren’t enough, she’s bipolar and doesn’t really want to take her meds.
Now my thinking is that you can’t force someone to take care of themselves. If this is the way she copes with pain, I can’t do anything to tell her otherwise. She’s very smart and she knows all the health issues involved. It doesn’t stop her from her self-destructive path. I take heart from her assertion that she would never abandon her kid.
Is the only thing I can do is to keep on writing her and listening to her?
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Don’t feed the drama dragon. Especially if it is strictly an online friend. It’s not good for you or her.
This sounds like a serious situation, and it sounds like one that you really can’t do anything about. If it were me, I’d count my blessing that this was only an Internet friend and not someone close at hand draining all my energy.
In all honesty, there isn’t a thing you can do other than state the truth relentlessly.
It sounds like if the day comes when you don’t hear from them it’s probably going to be bad, so all you can do is keep communicating so she doesn’t feel as alone.
“Now my thinking is that you can’t force someone to take care of themselves.”
You are correct.
It sounds like you are a good listener who cares about this person at least a little. If you listening isn’t too draining to you and you enjoy it go ahead. Although, you cannot force somebody to change you may just inspire them to. I had an internet friend once that was a great listener and helped me get my stuff sorted big time. I was at a low point and that one Internet listener’s perspective was all it took to make things click that it was me. The distance of it being an internet thing (not a person I’m close with) made what they said resonate bc it was a stranger in a sense telling me what I had heard before. I miss that person. They really helped me and I got the impression they cared. It was nice.
Yup, I think the best thing you can do is listen when she needs to talk, and offer advice where you feel you can. Try not to get too wrapped up in her problems, though, @wundayatta. You’re a very insightful and caring person, and there is such a thing as caring too much.
Listen when you can but don’t start spending so much time and feeling on this that you get diverted from your own self and family. @Seelix is right, you’re very empathetic which is noble but energy spent is still energy, even online.
You have 2 legs, and at the bottom of those two legs are feet. Now these feet are pointing in the direction of the online friend. Turn those feet 180 degrees and run that direction. Problem solved.
That’s the best advice I can give you. I have in your shoes before and it always ends up not too good, in my case. Best of luck.
We had a friend that was a mess. I stress had. We recently had enough.
The result: our stress level is down.
@wundayatta Yours is a very difficult position to be in and I admire your compassion and your willingness to help your friend but… you can’t help someone who is unwilling to be helped and as others have mentioned you can’t allow yourself to be dragged under by your friend on her way down. I would listen and be there for her as long as it doesn’t damage you or take you away from supporting your own needs and your families needs. If there does come a time when you have to severe ties with your friend I would tell her that you care about her and are willing to be there for her but only if and when she is willing to get the kind of help she needs. There’s a fine line between listening and being supportive and enabling, as I’m sure you understand.
I am sorry you are going through this @wundayatta because I know first hand you can come to care for someone deeply by talking to them over the internet even though you never met. So I can fully understand you wanting to help but even if you knew them in person you wouldn’t be able to help them until they are ready to help themselves.
Unfortunately some people have to hit rock bottom before they are ready to help themselves. Being bi-polar the other drugs this person is taking are a form of self medicating and trying to solve what won’t be solved that way. The only way they are going to feel better is taking the meds perscribed and until the realize this nothing you can do will help them. Its a very slippery slope and until they want to help themselves there is nothing you can do. Hard to hear if you care for this person. The problems with the unemployment probably stem from the issues of not taking the proper meds for being bi-polar so unless they are willing ot fix it that will always be a problem.
Now the problem is some people don’t hit rock bottom until it kills them which to me is the ultimate rock bottom to hit. Its very sad but it is what it is.
You simply cannot help anyone who does not think they need help. You can never help addicts off their drug of choice until they acknowledge they are addicts and want to quit. Trying to help someone who doesn’t want any help tends to upset them and drive them away.
Nothing wrong with listening or writing if you have the time. You aren’t going to change the substance problem. Especially not from a distance.
No. Don’t help anyone. Don’t listen to anyone’s problems, don’t watch news on TV. It’s all negative energy. It’s their problem, not yours! You will take the negative energy and it will affect your own life. Deal with your own problems and take the positive in baby!
(by the way, this is what my mom says everyday now because she read this book about negative and positive attracts etc, I guess. It’s nice)
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