Would you say that people really and truly judge character when choosing a soulmate?

Most try to judge being impartial but one cannot oversee after some aspects. Your future partner can be the smartest one alive, could be the most trustworthy, can have the best traits but if they lack social skills or they are not good looking then one will not choose them as a soulmate.

But I favor those who just listen to the heart when picking because some traits will disappear in time. If he’s your designated partner then why are you looking for something better?

I’m cut from a cloth which doesn’t insist that a soulmate and a lover must be one in the same person.

I think the term “soul mate” insinuates an element of “chemistry.” sometimes, a person can appear ligically as the perfect person, but the “magic” just isn’t there.

I don’t think anyone “chooses” a soulmate. We select a prospective girl/boyfriend & from there, if the relationship flourishes, a soulmate can be found, almost by accident really.

One sister married her husband because Dad said that he wasn’t going to support her anymore once she graduated from college. Her husband married her because she was the skinniest girl on campus. We all bet that it wouldn’t last. They are a few years away from their 30th anniversary. I guess it’s time that we paid up.

Judging by the amount of divorcees out there,I would have to say no.

Yes. At least I hope so. Statisics show that wealthy couples and couples who stay together generally cite honesty, respect, support for each other, constant evaluation and checking in that each are working towards their goals, and that each is happy in their roles within the marriage. They almost never mention more superficial traits in the top 5 reasons they believe their marriage has been successful.

You say people don’t choose on those things alone. That is probably true, but those are the things that should be on your must have list. Sexual attraction and some other things matter, or are nice to have. I wanted my husband to like to dance, everyone said I was being silly, but I met him at a dance club, and I am very happy he likes to dance. If he didn’t I would find it frustrating. But, I definitely married him for his integrity most of all, and indeed throughout our marriage he has shown me over and over again his high integrity; and I find it extremely attractive every time he does.

No, I chose her for her car driving ability. pffft

Having been divorced and looking back on all my long term relationships and the problems that caused divorces in friends I know was not from misjudging someones character when choosing a soul mate but simply put…is people change. You can’t predict when a soul-mate will change and freak out on you, cheat on you, bail on you etc.

@Cruiser Yeah, I think that happens all the time to. I always think at any my moment my husband can just decide he wants something different in life, someone different. Not that I obsess or worry about it, I just think it is always a possibility with anyone.

It just happens as if part of a plan – when you are ready

When I met my partner, there was an instant attraction on all levels – physical, emotional, and whatever else you want to call it. We talked for a few hours that first night about music, politics, all kinds of topics, and were pretty damn compatible. It took a few years for things to sort themselves out (I was in another relationship, then he was, et cetera).

So yeah, I think we’re one of the rare cases where we truly have found our “other half”, if you will. He’s my counterpart; we rarely disagree, we like the same things, we hate the same things, all that cliche stuff.

But I have to say that if we weren’t together and I was looking for a partner, personality/character/whatever would definitely be important – probably moreso than physical attraction. I need to be able to talk with my partner.

I don’t think you can separate these things out. Honesty and trustworthiness are part and parcel of the chemistry. We like to think that good looks have nothing to do with honesty, but they are part of the whole person, and parts aren’t separatable in human beings. Maybe a car can be taken apart, but not a person. You can swap out parts in a car, but not so much in a person (new kidneys or hip joints are possible).

We are human beings, and we like to think about parts because it helps us understand the whole. But that leads to the fallacy that you have asked about. Do we like this thing in a person more than that thing? It’s a useless way to think about people. The notion of parts is a human theoretical construct. Actual people are whole beings, not made up of parts. You can not separate one thing from another.

We discuss character or looks or intelligence as a kind of convenience. But when it comes to life partners or soulmates or whatever; while we may still think in terms of parts on an intellectual level, most of the thinking is going on beneath our consciousness. It is going on in parts of our brain (lol) that deal with the world holistically.

Just for my example, here, I am separating the brain into conscious brain and unconscious. Sometimes I say linguistic and non-linguistic brain. But the mind isn’t separated from itself. They all work together, and not only that, you can’t separate the mind or brain from the body. We actually think using our entire nerve system and all our systems play a role in our thinking with all kinds of feedback systems that affect every thought.

Part of us does interact directly with the world—no need to represent the world or experience symbolically. Part of us uses symbols. These parts aren’t terribly good at communicating and often don’t know each other exists.

All this is to say yes to your question. People really do judge character. But other things count more. And less. And the same. You can’t know. You can’t sort it out. Each person is different and mostly we aren’t even aware of how we do things, especially things like choosing a soul mate.

No, I don’t agree at all. In fact, I think that core character is the single most important thing in a relationship.

A sweet ass is definitely the deciding factor.

Not character ‘alone’. I think physical appearance counts more that we care to admit…but that doesn’t mean they need to be perfect.

Well it’s all about how the person feels to you, next to you, with you…in a general sense. But if those things you mention aren’t there, they’d never be my soulmate.

Well I can’t answer for anyone else, but I would have to say I fell in love with my husband for two reasons. One, I was attracted to him but that wasn’t the deciding factor. It was his personality and compatiblity that took it to the next level. I dated and dumped guys before him who where better looking but their character wasn’t appealing enough for a life time commitment.
Some people may marry for the looks but its their character that determines if the marriage will last.

For me, soulmates are people I connect with on a very deep, visceral level. It’s a connection that goes beyond gender, intellect and emotion, and I’ve felt it with very few people over the years. I don’t think we have only one soulmate, and soulmates don’t have to become SO’s. I’ve never been in a romantic relationship with any of them.

@Cruiser is right. I hadn’t thought of it like that until now. Thanks.

Yes, ‘soulmates’ are an illusion. Plenty of good blends for all of us, and, what counts more than trustworthiness and honesty?

Hey, we have all known people that have shitty duplicitous relationships that stay for the money, the house, and the goodies. Not the kind of compromise I’d care to make.

If everyone’s in agreement, fine, it’s an arrangement of comfort and symbiotic benefit, your choice, but, I don’t see anything more important than trustworthiness and honesty, IF you want to really call a situation a ‘relationship.’

@Coloma Really great answer! +6

As much as you and I wish that were true, no. I don’t think so.

@Coloma ok but you will concur that your trustworthy and honest person can instantly turn into someone you can never trust again and a raging liar, right? People go into serious relationships thinking he or she won’t change drastically. Could be in six months or six years or twenty six years; hits ya llke a ton of bricks! The money, house and goodies helped me get out of that situation much more comfortably than without all of it. I admit I have a hard time making a point. I guess what I’m trying to say is don’t be so sure you have your soulmate. Unless you enjoy a bucket of icewater thrown in your face.

@Aster

Sure, happens all the time, hopefully we get smarter after it happens once. lol

I think honesty is what really makes “soulmates” and that is created, not made. :-)

I have serious doubts if anyone can predict this happening . Too many variables out there to keep all the good guys good. Some, sure.
I just think life is a gamble. And your forgiveness level comes into play, too.
I have a girlfriend who is nuts over her husband. He fell in love with another woman in Austria when they were on vacation; they kept going back to Austria and both took courses in German. She would watch him write letters to her in motels around the world. She’d cry , beg and pray. The German woman and her cute husband moved to my girlfriend’s town in Texas!! I don’t know how that went down but bottom line is they’re all still married , she told me her husband was super sweet regardless of this affair and now she has traveled with him all around the world and has the best of everything. When she met him 25 years ago she was working at a grocery store at checkout and living in a trailer. Her “sweet” husband told me, “I got her out of the gutter.” He did, indeed but it cost her a lot emotionally.