If you were a dog, what advice could you give to humans?

You know, @PitPit , every time I sniff a new butt I get slapped. It’s made me a bit butt shy. I do, however, chase squirrels on occasion.

Probably something along the lines of “Stop talking to me like I’m a fucking baby. I’m like, 600 in dog years. Not two.”

“Ah please, please…., pretty please, throw the stick one more time??? Please???”
“You know how I just loooove to get it for you and bring it back!!!” NOT
Asshole.

Stop treating us like shit. We would bite you if you were smaller. Douchebags.

You know, if you want to stay young forever you should rub the back of my ear. It will do wonders for you.

I didn’t answer the Q, sorry.

Let me eat all the cheese there is and I will love and obey you forever. After I’m done throwing up.

Yes yes I get it I am very cute now please stop saying that before my ears start bleeding!

To my human: It wouldn’t hurt you to give me more bacon. Bacon is good for me. It would make me feel better. And stop calling me “Pretty”. I know I am. It just gets old.

Learn how to bark.

When I piss on the floor because you wont take me out and then you rub my face in it to punish me, that is actually a sick interspecies-bestiality-domination-golden-shower sex act. Get help.

You can tell a lot about a person by sniffing their crotch.

Lift your leg when you pee why don’t you.

Try just eating dry gravel dog food for even one week and you will then know why we also eat grass and chew up your slippers as revenge.

“Install a dog door. I like to go outside on my own, too.”

Lick your balls—it feels great!

Learn when it’s time to quit chasing your tail.

“When you saliva drip from my mouth, that means that my teeth are hurting me and I need to see a vet…....pronto”!!!

“You really shouldn’t sit or fetch something or roll over for your boss if you’re not going to get a treat every time. It makes you look like a chump.”

I’m a DOG not a human! I have an IQ comparable to a two year old, not Einstein. Don’t expect me to understand that eating your back yard is REALLY BAD!

“Just chill! It is fine to roll around on the grass on this dead toad… eau de toad is just divine!”

Love this question too @PitPit .. now I really am gone!

We’ll be your best friends. But for you fuckups out there who like to hit us, don’t be surprised if some day, we strike back and hack your fuckin face off.

Treat us dogs well, for God created us to bring you humans happiness and warm company in your cold, lonely, and ordinary lives.

Stay in the moment and milk it for all it’s worth. Have no regrets about yesterday and don’t worry about tomorrow!

That’s what my dogs do and they sure seem to be happy.

If you wanna lick your own genitals, watch & learn from the masters of “self love!!”

If I was a dog I would say “woof-woof grrr-arr-rrruff”. Which isn’t terribly useful, as advice goes.

@downtide at which point I’d shoot you in the face with a water gun!

“You humans are too fussy about what you eat. Honest, cat crap won’t make you sick! Watch!!” ..... Chomp, chomp in the litter box…....then barf, gag, gag, barf “Well, I must have gotten ahold of some bad shit, man. I don’t usually…” barf, gag, gag, barf “Or maybe it was contaminated with spiders.“_ barf, gag, gag, barf