Close friend doesn't want to date but behaves like we are dating?

What, to you, does friendship look like? How is it different than what you have with this girl? Because for me, I have affection, sharing, and amazing connections with my friends. I’m very deeply emotionally attached to many of them. I love feeling close to them. But I don’t date them, because I spend no time wanting to make out with them. That’s the difference for me.

If she’s said no, then accept the no. If I had a friend whom I’d turned down dating, and he kept trying to make me change my mind, that’d probably be the end of the friendship, as well.

I’d say you can only take her at her word.. everything else is only what you think, your perceptions, etc.. which are clouded by your desires. I don’t trust my perceptions in cases like this because I am well aware that I often skew things depending on what I want to happen. So, I would take her at her word, that she doesn’t want to date.

That would require my pulling back some, which I would recommend. Embrace friendship with her, throw yourself into being a good friend. Put some distance there, if not only for yourself to get a clearer picture of the situation. If, after you are able to see things more clearly, you find yourself confused with mixed messages, totally feel free to call her out on it.

“Yo, what is the deal? I’m so confused. You say this one thing, but then you keep acting like another. Please explain.”

Guard your heart, first and foremost.

She wants to keep her options open, she’s still testing the waters. Play hard to get, don’t be all about it, if she wants it let her have it, don’t go chasing though player. It’s got to be two to tango.

Are you both in your teens, twenties, or older?

I would date other people.

I’d start with spending time with other people too. Don’t get me wrong but you could misinterpret her actions and behavior. What if she only had a great time and wouldn’t want anything else out of your friendship. Be straight with her and tell her you like her more than just a friend and see where that goes. [I’m sure you won’t like the idea of a refusal.]

I think she wants to have her cake and eat it too. She wants the emotional attachment and closeness but doesn’t want the committement with you. She is trying to get the best of both worlds here and you’re left confused. Obviously her actions were out of the ordinary course of friendship which is why you are asking this question.

If it doesn’t bother you, play along. If it does then keep your distant from her. Becasue her actions will only make you fall for her even more.

What your asking is, “Should I stay or should I go?”.. I say your going to fast in deciding. You sounded like you had a great time (as she did).. Try not to think about a serious relationship as long as your having fun with her.. Give it some time and it will work itself out and if it doesn’t go the way you wish, remember the good times and keep the faith.

When you say ‘behaves like we are dating’, what do you mean, exactly? Are you making out? Having sex? Or are you just talking about platonic affection and emotional closeness? If it’s the latter, you’re reading too much into it. Many close friendships are like that, and it doesn’t mean anything beyond friendship. If it’s the former, you are apparently friends with benefits. Only you can decide if that’s ok with you. If it’s not, stop doing it without a commitment from her.

I agree with augustian. She wants to keep her options open and you have fallen for her. I think you should go out date other people and keep her as friends and see how things go. When sex gets involved, it gets messy. Usually, women get emotionally involved more once sex involved. But your case seems to be different, she seems to see you as friend+benefit.

Date other people. Start looking. Keep your distance from her when it comes to the ‘closeness’. You’ll end up getting hurt if you have any hope at all. I’m not saying it’s not possible, but nobody knows that. Find someone who shares the same feelings as you do.

There is an important test that no has mentioned yet, does she act as affectionate with you around other people? I mean different groups, like her parents, your parents, her friends, your friends. These situations say a lot, if she is into you but wants to keep options open than the affection shouldn’t be different in different context (generally, but not always). But if it is different in different context, particularly with friends, you may be second rate to her and she is using you. There could be a lot of other factors that I am not considering here but often how a girls friends treat you or feel about you is a strong predictor if there is a future there.

You are not listening to her words and looking for cues that say the opposite in her behavior.

She told you she didn’t want to date you. Listen to her.

It sounds (laughter) like she is enjoying you as a friend.

Don’t read other stuff into it. Probably if you love her, you should not hang around her for a while to allow yourself time to get over her.

So, we are in our early 30’s. She loves being affectionate with me and is extremely emotionally connected to me, calling me everyday. She’ll often give me the signs that she wants to make out, but then will suddenly stop halfway through and feel awful. I’m confused that emotionally she’s right there, but something else is blocking her from committing. should I just back away? What do you think is going on inside of her?

@jhodgkins It is hard to tell, she obviously likes you either as friends or more than that. But if she has told you she doesn’t want to date you right now, then if I were you I would ask her why. To try to get to understand inside her, if she didn’t feel like dating and just see you as good friends, then you need to decide if you want to keep distance with her for the time being, so that you won’t get too emotionally attached to her, and then becomes friends after.

@jhodgkins You are letting yourself in for a world of hurt to keep hanging around this girl. Confront her and tell her that you have feelings for her, and for her to send confusing, contradictory messages is hurting you.

Ask her why you cannot try dating. Then if she tells you that she does not feel romantic toward you, tell her that you can’t continue to see her or talk to her for awhile, because you care for her and it is too hurtful to be just friends.

It is possible that she will miss you and want to try dating after a while. Or it is possible that you will stop loving her. Either way you are better off than this no man’s land you are in right now.

Is she recovering from a relationship that failed in a way that really hurt her? Is there any chance she’s in an upsetting relationship now?—perhaps clandestinely? Just a hunch.

Don’t say no too quickly. Possibly there’s something you don’t know about yet. Women who date married men (just to cite an example) can give off some pretty confusing signals.