Why, when dealing with the elderly in a hospital, do doctors insist on talking to the family instead of the patient, when they are lying right there?

Because the elderly person’s hearing aids weren’t in? I don’t know Judi…I’ve only gone to the hospital twice with Mom, and both doctors and the staff directed their questions to her, not me.

You were seen as her caretaker. If they had come in when you weren’t there, spoken to your MIL and she either didn’t understand or couldn’t relay what was said, someone would be here wondering how they could be so unprofessional as to not pass along the information to all involved.

Medical professionals really can’t win, there’s no one size fits all set of rules, each family is different, each patient is different, and everyone wants to be offended if their expectations aren’t met.

They did what they thought was right for the situation, you said it wasn’t what you would like to happen, and they complied with your wishes.

That’s the essence of communication. Not something to be upset about.

They probably assume you are making the decisions. Telling them you’re not will get them to change their behavior.

We are both in the room and we are talking about HER health. They SHOULD direct their conversation to her and then ask if I have any questions. It just seems do rude.

The doctors talk to the family for various reasons. The best reason in the world is deafness. Most elderly people have lost a large amount of their hearing and it’s easier to communicate with a family member. My mother was 99% deaf and talking to me was the doctors only way of communicating with my mother.

Since I was her POA, all decisions had to be made by me, anyway.

She’s not deaf, and she is an adult woman, in charge of her own affairs.

In my experience the doctors always insist on talking to the patient (my father) instead of the family despite him having extremely advanced vascular dementia (he can pull off a very good impression of someone who’s paying attention and will nod and say the apropriate yes etc at the right time but has absolutely no idea what they are talking about). Trying to find out what was discussed later is an absolute nightmare.

@Judi It seems rude to you. The opposite might seem rude to others. Like @funkdaddy said: it’s no-win for the doctors.

We’ve had the opposite problem. My Dad is very hard of hearing and he has some memory loss. He also doesn’t understand most of the terminology that is used, whereas my mother does. She’s the one who makes sure he takes his meds, makes his appointments and reads and learns all about my father’s conditions.

My Dad seems fairly normal when you talk to him, but if the doctor were to tell him anything, he would forget it or not fully understand it the second he left the office and he wouldn’t even think to take any notes. Sometimes when I have gone along to the appointment I have brought a list of questions and I take lots of notes. If me and my mom don’t do this, my dad would never have any idea of what was going on, even though when you look at him or talk to him in general, he doesn’t seem doddering or unable to comprehend.

I think doctors try to do the best they can, and they try to direct the questions and information to the person that (in their experience) is the most likely to be able to comprehend, hear and remember what has been said, in addition to being able to carry out the orders for treatment.

I understand (and appreciate) them communicating with me, but when I am in the same room, listening to the conversation, I feel that the communication should be DIRECTED at her. They treat her line she is a child or like she is not right there. Even if she had full blown dimentia, I still feel like she deserves the respect of being included in the conversation.

It’s a doctor thing. If you go alone to a doctor and you have a disease he has to tell you but if you are with someone else he won’t tell you instead he’ll tell the other person. I never understood it either .. it’s like common I’m suffering here, I’m the patient tell me so I can take care of myself. Maybe they do this shit because some will start to worry, I don’t really know.

@Judi Then you haven’t seen full-blown dementia, because once it gets started, they aren’t part of any conversation. It’s a tragedy, but doctors are also pretty busy, and trying to make sure the care actually happens instead of spending 15 minutes just establishing if they even can have a conversation with the patient. If you’re so upset about it, just say “She can hear you and has enough of her facilities to participate in the conversation”. I’m sure they’d be thrilled, but they don’t know that you’re insulted unless you communicate that with them.

Over the last five years of my mother’s life (d. May 28, 2011), the doctors, nurses, and other aides have always addressed her. She was unable to hear so whichever family member was present chimed in. There was both the issue of hearing and the dementia; but everyone treated her in a respectful and dignified manner.

When my grandmother was in the hospital for a very long time before her death they always spoke directly to her, the only time they looked at us when talking was when she was sadated because she was on life support and even then they addressed her but looked at us when speaking. Maybe its the hospital and its should be a conversation you should have with the staff there. There shouldn’t be disrespect to the patient at anytime.

Did you or any other younger-than-your-MIL check her into the hospital or did she go there herself and do all paperwork herself? Maybe they assume the reason you are there is be the caretaker as mentioned above or involved in the treatment process.

Having worked with the elderly for years, often in a hospital setting, I’ve noticed most often that doctors will try to engage everyone in the room. Then (which I’m sure is a social response, not a professional response) will communicate most with the person that is most responsive and asking and/or answering the most questions.
I do think that some doctors will attempt to talk to the perceived (or known) caregiver first, but as mentioned above, unless a physician knows the details of the working situation… it really can be a no-win situation.

I actually prefer that the doctor explain things to my husband instead of me, because when I am sick or hurt, I don’t really understand what people say to me. I am 68 years old.