Do you cancel your friends in last minute and think it is ok?

Yes I cancel often. I don’t think it’s okay but if they are real friends they understand. For instance which I canceled a lot of times , even when he needed my help .. I did not have a good reason I just was lazy. Yet he understood and he managed. A real friend understands some things like this.

Yup. It happens when you’re friends with someone that has social anxiety. My friends understand that it isn’t personal, and that’s about that.

@Hibernate I don’t agree with that. I think it is very rude to cancel friends especially someone close or you care about in last minute. It is selfish of you just cancel as you wish without understand your friend’s situation. May be your friend could have make other arrangements and you waste people time and just pure disrespectful. If you are not sure you can make it, then make it clear so everyone knows it is not confirmed. But if it is confirmed, I expect a good reason to cancel. Especially for real friends.

@ANef_is_Enuf What is it to do with social anxiety? I think it is more about you dont’ want to upset or hurt people feelings by cancelling them in last minute. It is just disrespectful and rude.

If you are good friends with someone then you understand that things happen at short notice and plans have to change with out any forewarning . The only sort of person who’d get up set that their friends canceled on them at short notice is a self centred bitch who believes they are the centre of the universe or so completely lacking in self confidence that they take it as a massive personal snub against them and life’s too short to be friends with people like that.

What’s worse than a last minute cancellation is when they are a no-show. What I’ve learned over time is that a person’s actions when dealing with plans run the full spectrum and not to take it personally.

My sister is much like you. For the first twenty years of her marriage to a man that was never on time. After getting fed up with her complaints, I finally told her that people are unlikely to change this type of habit. Her frustration and nagging over this was the definition of insanity: doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results. She now takes a separate car to parties and vacations. She has realized that, despite being married to him, he is a separate person, the scowl is gone from her face, and her friends and family accept both of them for their differences.

For the habitual last minute cancellation abusers, they know that it irks others. Most likely, there is a degree of underlying embarrassment about it, whether it shows or not. If it is a friend, you can always cut them out of your life if it is that bothersome. In a work environment, it isn’t that easy.

I used to cancel a lot (because of social anxiety). It ended and/or changed some friendships for me.

I try very hard not to nowadays.

@Londongirl well, perhaps it works both ways, then. Not obligating a person with social anxiety to do something outside of their comfort zone, even if it just so happens to spring up that day (which anxiety has a tendency to do), might fall into the category of not wanting to upset or hurt people that you care about.

Yes, but only if I have legitimate reasons for doing so. Likewise, my friends have cancelled on me at the last minute, and I can’t say I really mind that much when they do.

@Lightlyseared I totally disagree with you, so you think the person who cancel the friend in last minute is not self-centre bitch??? what is going on with your logic? You cancel someone last minute is just disrespectful and expect other people to live according to your convinence. Who is self-centre bitch here?!

@marinelife OK, now I understand… you mean people has social anxiety will cancel meeting with friends in last minute? hmm.. ok, if it is more on emotional issue with the person I understand,but if a friend you don’t know well and they cancel and change meeting at last minute, I will see it as quite disrespectful to other people time.

@Joker94 I am like you, if I cancel my friend in last minute, which haven’t happened, unless it was a very last minute emergency, and I will give full explanation of why and make up for it next time, cos it is rude to do so.

@ANef_is_Enuf Well, I am not aware of social anxiety, if a friend I know explain to me about that condition, then I will be more aware. But with those I dont’ know well or care about, I dont’ want to let them down and don’t want to be rude.

@Londongirl so lets say I make I date with someone. On the day of the date my father dies and I cancel. Are you seriously fucking telling me that it is inapropriate? REALLY?

No, I don’t cancel unless a family emergency arises or a sitter cancels on me.

Social anxiety fact sheet.

@Lightlyseared I was talking about if you cancel someone without a good reasons, OK if you father dies and you cancel your date, of course, it is reasonable, but you explain to her/him, and thats ok.

@zenvelo Yes, me too I don’t cancel it unless family or other emergency that I couldn’t change it, but I will give my reasons.

It is a pet peeve of mine and anyone that consistently bails on promises is no longer someone I have any interest in.

@Cruiser I think when someone doesn’t keep their promises and cancelling, you really start to loose the trust on them and you don’t really want to get hurt by some last minute nasty surprises…

I get the feeling there is a much deeper issue here.

@Pied_Pfeffer If you know the friends well or someone close that always late, then you start to accept that may be they won’t change. But if someone yo dont’ know well and at the beginning cancelling you you start to think if they value you and your friendship at all.

It is extremely selfish to cancel often. Every once in a while it is understandable, stuff can come up for anyone at anytime or once in a while we are exhausted and just can’t make it. But, consistently cancelling on friends is not friendly at all. I might not ditch the friendship altogether, but I certainly will not rely on the person for social get togethers.

@ANef_is_Enuf Well, the deeper issue will be how you deal with friends and how you respect other people.

@Londongirl well, as to the person you have in mind, is this exclusively about canceled plans.. or have they done other things that make you feel disrespected or not valued as a friend?

@JLeslie Agree with you. If a friend ditch you for meeting other friend, that really makes you feel disrespectful and may be that person doesn’t value you as a friend at all.

@ANef_is_Enuf Well, change or time or plan in the past and once it starts cancelling, I really need to let them know my boundaries.

Well, but it almost sounds like you answered my question before you technically answered my question. This friend is canceling plans with you to spend time with a different friend?

@Londongirl Changing plans to be with a different friend is a whole different thing altogether I was not considering. It would have to be a very big deal for it to be ok. I would understand if a friend of mine changed plans because they were asked to go to a wedding, or some sort of special event. But just for a night out with other friends, again horribly rude. Some people won’t make plans until the last minute because they are waiting to see if something better comes along, this is basically the same thing. If someone is treating you like this, especially if it is a man, forget him.

I hate getting canceled on. As a result, I don’t say a firm yes to plans until I’m sure I’ll make them, be in an hour before sometimes. I don’t want to leave them hanging.

@ANef_is_Enuf Yes a text to cancelled it and when i got upset then said was with other freind arrangement somewhere.

@JLeslie Exactly, this is what I’m mad about. If it was a special event very urgent and emergency, then I could understand, or at least give me an explanation, not just a text to say couldn’t make it. Until I got mad then said with other friends. Exactly like you said, I felt like I was a standby and could be cancelled in last minute, totally out of respect.

@sliceswiththings Yes, if I am not sure, I will tell them, and I usually make up my mind if I want to arrange it. If I do I stick to it unless some urgency.

@Londongirl well that is a totally different story, and yes that’s rude.

@Londongirl This is how I would look at it. If it is the first time I would tuck it away and ignore it for now. If it happens all the time, I wouldnot waste my time being angry. I would be dissappointed, maybe hurt for a bit, and then take my power back, and think screw ‘em. I would find new friends.

@sliceswiththings Why are you so unsure?

@Londongirl That is putting it mildly!

Today alone, I’ve had a friend change our arrangements 3 times :/ Not impressed.
I fully understand that things pop up that people have to deal with so I’m fairly flexible and tend not to get annoyed. However, serial offenders piss me off and I don’t take them at their word for long.
On another note, I experience social anxiety myself. I tend to stick to my word for the most part but if I get terribly anxious, I cancel or else try to reach a compromise.

@stardust Yeah exactly, when I broke up with my ex I was very very depressed and sometimes I didn’t want to go, but I would explain to my friends about it and they understood.

I’ll only back out if our plans are not proper plans – for instance, if someone says we should ‘hang out this weekend’. But if we have plans to do something – go to the movies at this time, or go to this concert, or meet here on Saturday, etc – I won’t back out unless I actually have a legit reason to do so. Also, if I do suspect I’m not going to be able to make it, I’ll call as early as I can to let them know so that they have time to make other plans, and I’ll offer to make up for any inconvenience it may have cost them.

I do have friends who will get annoyed with me for not showing up to something that wasn’t even really a plan (i.e., vague plans for a group of us to hang out at someone’s house to which I didn’t firmly say I was going to go), but don’t think much of disregarding actual plans I’ve made (i.e., two years ago I asked a bunch of friends if they would want to go to a concert in a different city for my birthday and they all agreed on the ticket price and the driving arrangements, and then when I went to buy the tickets when they went on sale as to not miss out on good seats, they all said they weren’t sure if they could go).

@martianspringtime I agree, but I am talking about we set a time on the same day and then cancelled…

@Londongirl as rude is it might be sometimes I just don’t feel like going somewhere or doing something. I know I have to keep my promises… but you see? When I promise I’ll do something I NEVER specify the time when I’ll do it. Most of my friends know this but when they really need my help they know what to do to get me out of the house and helping them.

Anyway it’s part of our nature to sometimes be rude like this. Most of the times looking at the others reactions is saying everything .. some feel neglected, others look disappointed while other may smile and get over it really fast.

@Londongirl After seeing these answers my advice is find friends and dates who are very similar to you, don’t put up with people being so casual about cancelling plans. There are plenty of people who think like us, seek them out. I don’t mean we cannot be forgiving when someone needs to cancelonce in a while,but to not give a shit as @Hibernate seems to be saying and a few others, well, I do not judge them at all, I just see they are different in how they look at it. Trying to get him to care, or someone like him, is a waste of time. All I hope is he is just as understanding when people cancel on him as he wants them to be for him.

People have varied ideas of relationships amd commitments, it’s just how it is. My husband always calls me when he will be late, he does not care if I see his email (in fact the asks me to go through the ipad and delete his emails) he feels badly if he thinks he dissappointed someone, I like those qualities about him. Some people think we are strange to have access to everything of each others, that we lack our own privacy, and that we seem to be tracking each other. Not at all, we both just see it as common courtesy when you live with someone. No one should wonder or worry or guess or feel they cannotcount on someone.

@JLeslie believe me that the first thing that comes to my mind when someone cancels on me is that I did it to them too so i can be angry on them or else I’d have to be angry on me and i can’t be angry on me.

@JLeslie I agree we need to have the similiar attitudes towards friends and life, so you have friends that share similiar things and views. I do like my own privacy so I don’t do what you and your husband do in my relationship. But we are all different.

I think it is about understanding and flexible. If i know a friend is like that then i will expect his behaviour, but if you don’t know someone that well and they do that, i feel it is lack of respect. Everyone has their own boundries and bottom line, so I think personally, cancellation in last minute does show disrespectful to me, and I will let them know about it.

@Hibernate OK so you did that to your friends too, then fair enough. But I don’t cancel my friends in last minute and I don’t like to let those I care down. But lets face it, if someone you really like to see, you wouldn’t cancel it in last minute right. It just shows how much they want to see you on that time.

@Londongirl Well, if you are ok with someone being like that as long as you know it up front, don’t get mad when it happens, they are not purposely hurting you, just know for next time.

@JLeslie Well, at least I told the person my boundries and hope they will be careful with that with me next time too. Only fair that you both need to do something about it and not just one way.

I’ve done it and I don’t think it’s ok but my friends understand I have a 2nd on-call job that I rarely turn down, even when I already made other plans. My responsibilities don’t allow me the luxury of passing up extra money yet.

@Neizvestnaya Work is difficult sometimes I know… .

@Londongirl: It’s nervewracking to look forward to seeing your friends and then having to cancel, over and over again to the point you think you won’t be invited out again. When you get together, make it a real good time.

@Neizvestnaya Just very disappointing about the person who cancel you in last minute, you start to think about their reliability thats all.

You obviously don’t live in L.A. It’s practically required for one to break plans at the last minute. I do it. My friends and family understand why.

@tinyfaery Why? Is it fashionable in LA? Or it is some kind of game you play with girls?

Everyone backs out of things last minute here. You are lucky if you get a call ahead of time. I’m not saying it’s right, but its what people do.

@tinyfaery I don’t think everyone does that. At least all my friends don’t do that to me. OK they might cancel or rearrange it in last minute, but they do give good reasons and ususally we keep the arrangements. I find it very rude when people back out in last minute without good explanation or even call to cancel and you still friends with people like that?!

I know all kinds of people. I try to accept them for what they are or I no longer associate with them. Cancelling plans is very low on my list of reasons why I would cut someone out of my life.

@tinyfaery When someone avoiding me or cancelling me at the time, I just get really upset. It is more like I feel they want me out of their life when they cancel me…