Do you want to be loved more than anything, yet push people away? What's up with that?

I don’t do it, but I assume others do it because they are afraid of getting hurt.

You get what you give. Don’t be surprised if those you want to love you turn away if you keep pushing them away. No one likes a Debbie Downer.

Its a self fulfilling prophecy. I usually find that people who are like that simply don’t want to have someone to love back. You want love and admiration without any of the real work that goes into getting it. It is often more about being selfish.
I think people like to convince themselves that they are only protecting themselves from hurt or being abandoned (in some cases it may be true) but most of the time they just don’t want to admit they are selfish and they know people won’t put up with that behavior for long.

Several years ago, our company’s HR dept. conducted a group exercise with our team called FIRO-B Basically, it measures a person’s needs and wants when it comes to interpersonal relationships. What was interesting to me is that some of the people wanted to be included (perceived value), yet they weren’t as strong in wanting to participate. This was the case for me, but there were several others who had a far wider gap between the two.

If you are seeing a therapist, it might be worth it to ask their opinion about this assessment. If not, you might want to consider contacting a certified company that conducts the assessment, as well as provides a one-on-one discussion on the results.

No.

Mainly because being loved by others is neither a priority of mine nor something I have any control over at all.

If you push someone away and they still come after you, they’re giving you evidence they love you.

I push people away because I can’t love myself enough to recognize that someone else does.

I push people away because I don’t want to be a burden to them, or something that they have to tolerate. I recognize that it’s part of the messages I was instilled with when I was growing up and when these thoughts come up, I have to consciously talk myself out of thinking this way. On the outside, I put up a good show of humor, bravado or toughness because I don’t want to be anyone’s burden, so people don’t offer support or help because I look and act like I don’t need help.

Unfortunately, when I’m tired and down, that’s when I’m the most unable to talk myself out of it, and need the most support, then become depressed and very cranky. By the time I need support, people aren’t around because I have them all convinced I don’t need help. Then I can’t bring myself to ask for help and become more cranky. Bad cycle!

SO…. I do push people away, yes, even though I need them, need support and appreciation, mostly because I can not tolerate the thought of glomming onto people or being an emotional vampire. I know it’s not logically sound, but emotions rarely are.

I don’t think I push people away (well, at least not the ones I want to love me), but I had a pretty thick defensive wall for a long time, and didn’t really let anyone past that in the first place. I mean, I loved people, and ‘allowed’ people to love me, but I wouldn’t allow myself to feel a need for anyone. For me, I’m pretty sure it was because my childhood taught me that I could only rely on myself. It’s kind of a scary thing, needing someone and taking the chance that they might not come through for you, you know? I’m ok with taking that chance, now, for whatever reason. Maybe your situation and mine are related in some way.

It happens when I’m down about myself. I would try to get someone to love me, but then when I got down on myself, I’d realize that I was a mean, worthless person, and that as soon as the person figured this out, they would dump me.

I couldn’t stand the uncertainty of knowing when they would dump me, so I had to make it happen. I would push them away, usually by verbally attacking them so they would hate me and get rid of me.

When I was depressed, I did this to my wife. I pushed and pushed until I reached the breaking point. I remember thinking to myself that if I push any more—just an ounce more, that would be it. I don’t know why, but I stopped there. Later on, she confirmed that she was at her limit.

I think you are right, @nikipedia. It was a kind of test. If a person really loves me, and is not just a fair-weather lover, they will not cut and run very easily. Maybe they will even understand where my behavior is coming from and ignore it, since they know I don’t really mean it. Or not.

My wife, even when she knew I did this trick (it was not something I could control at the time), still felt like what I said was real, and it really hurt her. She did wonder why she wanted to be with someone who could hurt her this way. But not enough to leave me. To this day, I’m not sure how I was lucky enough to have her love me that much.

I think I must still doubt, at some fundamental level, that I am lovable. However, I think I have come around to believe I have some positive qualities that others might appreciate. Still, I’m never sure. This makes me a very demanding partner. High maintenance. Maybe some day I’ll believe, deep in my core, that I’m worth loving.

I am the opposite. I tend to hold on too tightly to the people that I want to be loved by. This can sometimes be as damaging to a relationship as pushing someone away. It takes a very special person to be able to takeon my level of neediness.