Do you tell someone why you're breaking up with them, or is it simply "because I said so, that's why"?

I think it would be incredibly weird not to give an explanation.

Eh, I would give an explanation unless she was the equivalent or worse than my last ex.

@King_Pariah Lol, which then begs the question – how bad was your last ex?

I think it’s kinder to give a reason than to leave the person wondering. Without an explanation the dumpee tends to conjure up a reason, and then has false hope that it can be repaired.

A friend of mine (and coincidentally, ex) didn’t want to tell his girlfriend that he dumped her because (1) he doesn’t respect her intellectually and (2) he’s not in love with her. He gave some fake reasons (“I need to find myself!”) so she has been desperately trying to “help” him so they can get back together.

Ive never broken up with anyone so I don’t know. Ive been dumped a lot though and I don’t find a logical thoughtful explanation of why helps that much.

Possessive, manipulative, lying, and cheating. I had to manipulate her to dump me, because she would try to get me on rape charges if I dumped her. Lesson learned: stop thinking with your dick.

@nikipedia That’s been my thinking, as well, but then a lot of those reasons also can give false hope, especially if the person is looking for it (ie “Because you’re disrespectful” becomes “I’ll change”, or “We’re not similar enough” becomes “I’ll try to be more interested in your hobbies and interests”). So then I think, the bottom line is that they don’t want to date you any more, so is there really anything beyond that bottom line?

@King_Pariah Damn.

You owe the person atleast that. I mean even if you’re desperately trying to get rid of them, not giving one would be cruel.

The people I’ve left have gotten rather detailed explanations.

I always gave a reason. Not always the actual truth (if it would be incredibly hurtful), but a definite reason.

See @augustlan
It is polite to give an explanation, even if it is bullshit. No reason to hurt peoples feelings for no good reason.

What a sheltered life I lead. I have never dumped anyone. It was always a logical separation moving, attending college, etc. And there were not many of those.
I consider myself lucky.

No explanation, if you pushed me that far it should be obvious why, and secondly, who cares anymore. I have broke up with about 2 people, maybe 3 or 4 if you consider drifing appart a breakup.

It is a coward act to not to least list give a reason and explanation to be honest. What is worst for that?! You are going to break up with her anyway, so do the decent and tell her!! Cannot understand why so many guys are so cowards nowadays.

@Londongirl: Agreed! The worst is when the person you think least likely to be a coward turns out to be just that.

@Neizvestnaya Exactly, and I recently just experienced that!

@Londongirl: I hope you can bounce back and not let nagging “why’s” tarnish your faith that other people can genuinely step up and follow through.

@Neizvestnaya I must be honest that he was the 2nd guy in the last 5 years did this vanishing which I was shocked by their behaviour to be honest. I do loose a bit of faith to guys though, I think it takes me longer to get to trust the person…

@Londongirl I dunno, giving the reason that “you’re horrible in bed” seems worse than not giving a reason. Especially if you’ve made up your mind, and this break up is final, and they keep saying “give me another chance – I’ll get better!”. Or “I think you’re a terrible parent to your child”. I think break-ups suck no matter what, but I’m not really sure giving a reason makes it that much better.

@Aethelflaed Well, at least you tell her it is final and give at least a polite reasons, that is all about good manner.

@Londongirl So it’s important to give a reason, to be polite, but it doesn’t have to be the reason?

@Aethelflaed Of course there are reasons to break up right? So be honest and sensitive and not to just abandon her expecting silent treatment will give the answer. It is just pure nasty to do with anyone that you have spent some intimate time with. If she was a one night stand ok, but if you were dating, you can at least be clear about the situation.

@Londongirl K. I think you’re putting a lot on me. I mean, for starters, this was a hypothetical question. Nor did I say that the alternative was the silent treatment. Also, it seems a bit of a leap to go from “impolite” to “nasty” and “coward”.
I do still wonder though – why is the reason so important? Is it just because it’s a social custom, and we shouldn’t violate social customs? Or what – what does the reason do that is really so much better? To me, the horrible part of the break-up is that the person is no longer in my life, not why we broke up. And how do you both give them an honest reason (which might actually be something they’d be deeply wounded by, like being bad in bed or a bad parent), as well as be gentle and sensitive – especially when considering that often (especially people you might want to break up with), they see gentility and sensitivity as a lack of firmness on the issue, and mistakenly see an opening for debate on the matter?

@Londongirl… Ok, seriously, have I made you hate me or something by asking this question? And seriously: why? Why do you believe the things you do? I’m not saying they’re wrong, I’m trying to understand why humans behave the way they do.

@Aethelflaed I don’t hate you cos I don’t know you. But when a human behave this kind of way makes me angry and I give my views on how I view them. I think this is what make some good or bad people and some behaving badly and hurt people without even care of their feelings. I am surprised you think it was ok not to actually treat someone who obviously cares about you that badly.

@Londongirl Ok. One more time, from the top: This is a hypothetical question. There is no person I’m breaking up with. I’m not saying you’re right or wrong, I’m trying to understand where your beliefs come from. What if we lived in a society (because this is hypothetical) where it was customary to not give a reason, and elaboration upon your decision was seen as uncouth and obscene? Would you still be so sure that someone who does this is an asshole? Is this a societal norm, and what makes someone an asshole is not following them, or is this some moral absolute that exists outside of society and humans – and if so, why? What makes someone good or bad differs so much based on the person giving the opinion that I’m trying to understand where people get their beliefs from.

I do think it’s somewhat interesting that the dumper is selfish and bad, and the dumpee is good. What if I’m dumping some man because he raped me the other night, or cheated on me, or I caught him inappropriately touching my daughter, or he gambled away all our money for a 6 month anniversary trip? Then I’m the one treating him badly by not giving a reason? I’m a bit surprised that not giving a reason is so taboo, when I can think of so many worse (and common) things a person can do to another.

@Aethelflaed I remember you did put the posts earlier about your reasons not to tell the person you dumped. I don’t believe this is a hypothetical question to be honest.

Yes if the guy is an asshole tell him and tell him why you dumped him cos he cheated on you and he was an asshole.

Totally, it is a moral issue here, which makes us not animal but a decent human being.

@Londongirl What posts about my reasons to not tell the person I “dumped”? I’m not quite sure what you’re talking about.