Parents have become lazy and refuse (or don’t even know how and don’t understand why it’s important) to teach their kids patience, self-control, manners or to be able to delay their gratification or to show compassion and graciousness. I can’t remember the last time a kid, in my family or elsewhere said “Thank you.”
Our society has become child-centric instead of adult-centric. Which means if the child wants something, he usually gets it, whether it’s fast food, the TV or videos turned on, or to continue mis-behaving. That’s because parents, today, want to be their child’s friend, rather than their teacher and their care-takers. And parents that are busy and tired, due to most couples having to both work to make ends meet, it’s easier for the parents to simply give in to a whining, screaming child, rather than to teach the child how to act respectably in various situations. I’ve noticed that my relatives with children don’t even seem to notice that their children are screaming or whining or mis-behaving. It’s like they’ve learned how to tune them out. Where me, being childless is left to suffer and put up with the naughty displays or ship out.
I watch that show with Jo Frost, The Supernanny, and she has a lot of great non-violent techniques, that if practiced regularly, can really help to solve these problems. Even though I am not the care-taker for my nephew, I’ve tried these techniques on him and some of my other young cousins, when I was babysitting and it really does work. But it only works in the long run if the care-taker is willing to change their lifestyle and be 98% (nobody’s perfect) consistent in carrying out the teaching, the expectations and the remedies. I don’t think most parents today have the interest or the backbone to teach their kids to be good citizens.
My own nephew is not ever taken to real restaurants because, even though he’s 6 years old, he was never expected or taught how to behave in that kind of environment. But he gets to go to McDonalds several times a week, because he knows that if he just keeps screaming or whining, he’ll be taken there. On the other hand, my brother and I were taken to adult-style restaurants (they didn’t really have kid-centric restaurants in the 60’s) when we were little tiny kids and we were taught how to behave and what to expect if we didn’t behave. Going out to a restaurant was a luxury and a treat, not and everyday thing like it is with a lot of families now. Most families do not sit down together at the dinner table every night like we did when we were kids. They pick up take out or run through the fast food joint and then eat in the car, or in front of the TV or in the stands at the soccer game.
Another problem is in today’s world, as opposed to when I was growing up, the community was part of the child-rearing system. Meaning that everybody knew what kind of behavior was expected of children. So if your kid started acting up in school, he was sent home with a note and the parents came to class to talk to the teacher and the problem got solved. If the kid was acting poorly in the home of a neighbor, the other parent would first let the kid know that he needed to shape up or he was going to be taken home and his parents would be told of his misdeeds. If he didn’t knock off the bad behavior, he was indeed taken home and then his own parents handled and stopped the problem immediately. My parents never had to spank us, because they would give us very explicit expectations of behavior beforehand, and even if we started to screw up we would get a lecture and a stern look. That’s all it took. If a kid acted up in a store, other parents would give the child a glaring look and then the parents would immediately stop the kid from mis-behaving and most likely give him a stern lecture right there on the spot in front of everyone and then lead him out of the store, and then apologize (or make the kid apologize) to the other patrons.
Nowadays, the parent is likely to bring a lawsuit against the store or any patron that dares to point out that little Billy was shrieking un-controllably, ramming his mini-shopping cart into other patrons, or eating handfuls of grapes from the produce section, and putting already chewed fig newtons back into the bulk bin. And lots of parents today expect teachers to turn their kids into angels, but they’re not given the tools to do that. Teachers are not allowed to discipline kids in any manner (I have a bunch of teachers in my family and they’ve all discussed this fact of life for teachers in the 21st century) then the parents either blame the teacher because their kid is having disciplinary problems or they threaten to sue the teacher or the school because the teacher suggested that their sweet little Billy might have behavioral problems that need to be addressed by the parents.
My SIL’s school, which is in a very upscale neighborhood, at least half of the kids are on Ritalin (whether they need it or not) and the parents call or e-mail multiple times a day to find out why their special child isn’t getting the individualized treatment that they need/deserve and they often threaten to sue and they can’t understand why their creative intelligent gifted child is in the remedial math and reading sections of the class. But when she taught in a different school located in one of the poorest neighborhoods in the county, the parents rarely or never showed up to parent teacher conferences, often sent their kids to school without lunch or school supplies and often allowed their children to not do their homework or kept them out of school, even when they weren’t sick and seemed to have no interest in education or in making sure that their kids were up to any educational standards whatsoever. So she’s seen it from both ends of the spectrum. Either you have demanding, un-cooperative parents who think their kids need to be medicated and every single one of them is gifted and needs special attention, and on the other hand you have parents who don’t seem to think that school is necessary at all.
My SIL’s school also had one little girl (elementary school aged) that attempted suicide. My cousin’s school had to have their school put on lockdown because a boy (also elementary aged) assaulted a teacher. My SIL had 2 students in her class with extreme special needs because they were adopted from a Russian orphanage and had never formed any bonds with people. This was in a class with 32 other students (5th graders) but these 2 girls had only the mental capacities of kindergardeners. She said that these girls would scream and jump up out of their seats and grab and pull on her multiple times throughout the day. My SIL would come home every day and cry and she’s been teaching for over 15 years.