My girlfriend opened up about her abusive ex, and I don't know how to let her know how perfect she is...?

eIt’s going to be an uphill battle, I’ll tell you that right now. Short of seeing a therapist, and even with therapy, you need to continue to positively reinforce her that she is beautiful and you’ll never raise your hand against her. With patience and time, she’ll probably eventually come around. It also wouldn’t hurt to get a few friends to tell her how lovely she is. But remember, do not, DO NOT, raise your hand or voice at her or you will only succeed in driving into a more and more insecure shell. Hope this is helpful (I’m probably going to come back tomorrow and realize I said something stupid, damn mold…)

@King_Pariah I would never ever raise my hand at her. I would never even dream of hurting her or trying to frighten her. And don’t worry, you didn’t say anything stupid! :) Haha!

It’s hard when it comes to talking about your past when you had problems there. You just have to understand she is trusting you a lot when she is talking about it with you.

Does yours and her parents know that you two are an official couple? If so, you might want to approach either yours or her Mother (the Dads might be a little too squeamish about this subject, but maybe not, only you can decide) and let them know that you would really like to get a few sessions of counseling for the two of you.

Does her parents know that Jess was abusive to her? If not, they should be told and if Melanie hasn’t told them herself, you should convince your girlfriend that the 2 of you should sit down with her folks and let them know what happened.

Be prepared that her folks will deny it, or even suggest that you are being a jealous floozy (if that word is still used today LOL) by even bringing it up, but then make sure that you let them know how much you love their daughter and how much she means to you and how important it is to you that she not suffer any more. And that you want to be a big part of her life and that you two want to be together and that you want to be a healthy couple and move forward with as little trauma as possible.

If that doesn’t go well, and no one offers to take you two to some counseling sessions, you might want to check with your local Planned Parenthood organization to see if they might be able to suggest some helpful advice for you, for free counseling or other ideas. A birth control organization may seem like an odd choice, but Planned Parenthood is way more than birth control. They help people, especially young people, with all sorts of issues. They can refer you to other organizations who can help you, even if they can’t.

Before any of this, though, sit down with your girlfriend and and have a serious conversation with her. Say something like, “Melanie, I’ve known you for a long time. I’ve loved you for a long time too, even though we’ve only been officially dating for a short while. I love you so much and I hope that you love me too. I know that you’ve been through a really ugly situation with Jess and I can’t even begin to imagine what that was like, but I think Jess really messed with your head and made you feel like you were less than or inferior or something. She was so wrong. God only knows why she treated you so badly. Maybe she was jealous, maybe she had a bad up-bringing, who knows. It doesn’t really matter now. What does matter is that you realize how much I love you and how beautiful and sexy I think you are. I’ve felt that way all along, long before we even got together as a couple. It’s really important for me to know that you believe me, because I would be devastated if I thought you didn’t know or understand how I feel about you. You are so beautiful to me and you turn me on so much that sometimes I can’t even think straight (LOL). But I want you to be happy and confident and comfortable in your own skin and never worry for a second that I don’t love you or find you attractive. I love you so much and it hurts me so much to think that someone could hurt you so badly. I’m a completely different person and I want you to love and trust me as much as I love and trust you. I don’t expect everything to come super easily for you, but I need you to lean on me and and gain more confidence when we are together, alone. I want to take this as slowly as you need me to go, but you need to know that I love you with all my heart and I think that you are the most beautiful woman that I’ve ever seen and my heart would be broken if you couldn’t know that, and feel that. Help me to make you love yourself as much as I love you.”

Then lighten up the mood and say, “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours!” : )

I think it would be a good idea just to give her some time. It takes a while to disconnect the buttons someone else has been pushing.

I know it took me several years to stop reacting to my husband-to-be as if he were like my old (and very long-term) boyfriend, who put me through some crazy crap before we finally split. When my new guy happened to do or say something that reminded me of the old one, it didn’t have the same meaning at all, but I still reacted the same until I got past those old connections. There were things that I just plain didn’t have to be afraid of any more, but I still needed to let the old associations go.

We called those things “ghosts”—old ways of thinking and behaving that belonged to somebody else and not us. After a while they all faded away.

Ex abusive behaviour has great impact to us especially emotionally. I think if you really care and love her, you can ensure her and be there for her when she needs you to build up the confident for her again with herself…

Do everything you can to locate what counseling resources are available inyour geographical location.

Some places have therapy groups for survivors of domestic abuse. Also check out your local LGBT center to see what’s available there. This problem of abuse in relationships is found in all demographic groups, gay, straight, black and white, rich or poor, etc.

As previously mentioned, Planned Parenthood is one starting point because even if they themselves don’t have any programs dealing specifically with surviving abuse, they are usually well networked with other groups which do have resources.

You could also call hospitals in the area for referrals since many abuse victims eventually end up in the ER at some point. Many have a licensed MSW (social worker) on staff and they are very aware of and connected with various groups which usually have free or very low cost resources available.

Do as much research and homework as necessary to give you a list of ALL available resources found in your community.

Call each one to get details about requirement, cost (if any) etc. Make a list and THEN speak to your gf and lovingly encourage her to get help.

By doing the homework ahead of time it lessens the burden for her to find help. It removes that barrier and gives her kind of a head start in the process. If it helps, offer to go with her for moral support. Let her know that there is realistic hope of healing from what she’s been through. A good therapist can do a lot to help her find healing and get back in touch with her eroded self esteem. Obviously she must have had some degree of positive esteem for herself as she was able to drop this destructive relationship and that’s a good building block. You’d be amazed at how much therapy can help for this type of situation.

Lovingly urge her to consider this and shell find out she’s not alone in her struggle. Many women have been through similar and found healing.

I would guess that Jess had trouble coming to terms with her own sexuality and took it out on your friend Melanie. Melanie has been through a lot and the cancer she experienced when younger may have sapped her confidence in her physical body. I can tell that you love her very much and if I know that I am sure Melanie will know also.

To answer your question, I don’t think there is a quick fix and I have no suggestions. You are doing the right things already. What you must do is love her as she is, faults and all, and what she will become will take care of itself.

1) She’s a teenage girl – she’s probably already a bit self-concious.
2) She was abused – another reason oe might be self-concious.
Ok, yes – but, do we really need to tell you how to tell your girlfriend you think she’s great? Really?

@ChesterNorth Yes, the OP has asked for help, because she has clearly told her girlfriend how she feels about her, but her girlfriend is having a very rough time actually believing it, because of the abuse that she suffered and maybe for a whole host of other reasons.

We’re trying to help her. Not sure why you are asking Really? There’s a problem and we’re trying to help her, not just mock her and point out the obvious. She already knows what’s obvious. She needs to know what to do next.

@Kardamom Thank you for coming to my defense. Some people, eh? Anyways, everyone else has given me really good answers. Yours is extremely helpful. :) So thank you for that, as well.

@ChesterNorth Yo Chet, we’re here to help out, not to berate and belittle.

@elaina28 You are so welcome.

It’s hard enough being a female in our society, because everybody lets you know that you are too fat, or too short or have too much cellulite or blotchy skin or eyelashes that aren’t plump enough.

Layer on top of that, being a Lesbian, which plenty of people in our society continue to think is disgusting or sinful or icky.

Mixed with the fact that you ladies are still young and have not had the chance to develop super-thick skins and that we couldn’t give a crap about other people’s hangups kind of attitude. You willl as you get older, and putting up with the crap gets easier as you figure out methods that work for you.

Layer on top of that, people’s bad attitudes, that literally don’t take into account what you are really asking for and blow off your serious questions off as though you are an imbecile.

Layer on top of that, people’s (mostly men’s) attitudes about females being abused. They either think that they’re making it up, or blowing it out of proportion, or that abuse couldn’t possibly come at the hands of another female, or she was asking for it and got what she deserved, or it wasn’t all that bad and she should just man up and stop bitching about it, or that being emotionally abused is not as damaging as being beaten up.

Layer on top of that, that most of our society still doesn’t think that you two have any business or right to call yourselves a couple, and so therefore, it’s harder to get the help that you need, because some people are very quick to write your relationship off as just a youthful indiscretion or some misguided attempt at experimentation.

Layer on top of that, that your parents and her parents are probably not fully aware of the situation, although they may have some sort of an inkling. But even if the do know what happened, it’s very difficult for parents to even know how to deal with this problem, and layer on top of that, that even though they may accept your relationship, because you are 2 women instead of a male/female couple, they may not be able to really relate to your situation or even have an inkling on how to help you guys, or even how to talk about it, because it’s still so mysterious, scary and potentially embarassing.

Layer on top of that, the fact that you ladies most likely would have a hard time getting any good help from most of the clergypersons that straight couple would easily be able to go to and get help and advice.

Layer on top of that, the fact that your girlfriend, although she may desperately need and want help, she is still facing all of the crappy situations from above and may be too scared, or embarrassed to ask for help, or even admit that she needs help. Just being abused, in an of itself is a stigma, but being a Lesbian who’s been abused, just makes it 10 times worse, in our society.

But despite these odds, Melanie found you! And you have the strength and the love, and now hopefully a little bit of information, to help you move forward and get some help both for Melanie, and for yourselves as a couple. Please check back and ask more questions if you need to and Don’t let the turkeys get you down : )