What does an apology mean to you?

Apologizes must be made sincerely. But I think it is important to clear misunderstanding and talk about the issues face to face, which will show more sincerity. I don’t like people using text to say sorry and expect other people just take it and that’s it. A lot of the time we create a lot of misunderstanding by not communicating properly.

I means I don’t have to ask for it, and you mean it when you say it. And you know why you’re saying it.
Once you apologize, it’s done. I don’t tend to hold grudges. After an apology we can move on and get back to life.

An apology is a simple recognition of the harmed parties feelings and the effect the event had on them and the nature of the relationship involved. The more involved the relationship the greater the significance the apology will have. Sincerity is everything in an apology to a loved one.

I want an honest, sincere apology that comes from the heart, not something that is said with a lame excuse.

An apology doesn’t mean jack shit to me.

You shouldn’t have fucked up in the first place.

@jonsblond I just rec’d one of those lame-ass excuse type apologies from an ol’friend of mine. BS!

@JLeslie I agree with what you said in your details. With some people it might mean we politely agree to disagree in a way that won’t cause anyone pain.

I’m not looking for someone to alter their opinion to mine, however, if they hurt me or my family, they’d better back up their apology with honesty and good intentions or the door will hit them on the ass when I send them packing.

When it is sinceere, it means they know they made a mistake and they won’t do it again. I think that’s important.

Means regret for words, actions. Seeks to restore relationship and knock down the wall of offending e. The apologizer regrets their own part of whatever went amiss and wants a clean slate. Sincere apologies can instantly tear down years of walls of strife.

An acceptance of wrong doing, corrected with an act of pure brown nosing.

For those who say it has to be with sincerity, or know what I did wrong. I just don’t know if an apology necessarily means I know I screwed up. Sometimes it means I know I hurt you and I hate that I did, but you might be extremely sensitive and so you are easily upset. Upset when most others are not. Not the people I usually interact with. I can say it with sincerity; I really do hate that you are upset and hurt by me, but if you think I don’t mean it enough, because I still think what I did was not very wrong, you think I am a piece of shit still? Right? I will even promise to try and remember how hurt you are by this, and change my behavior when I am with you, because I care, but you want me to know I am wrong, and I think I was wrong when interacting with you. Maybe you pick up on it I guess? And, then it feels insincere?

It may seem like a fine point, but I think “I’m sorry your feelings got hurt,” is not an apology. But “I’ sorry I hurt your feelings,” is.

Even better is explaining what you did wrong, vowing not to do it again (or at least to try not to do it) and then a gesture of penance or compensation.

Yeah like that.

Mostly a social courtesy, not often sincere but necessary for the good of more than the immediate persons involved.

@6rant6 When someone hurts my feelings and feels badly about it, and we care about each other, I want to let them off the hook as fast as I can. I see they feel remorseful, I don’t pay attention to their specific wording. They came to me and apologized, which can be difficult, to push more at them about how they aren’t sorry enough, I just don’t get it. Sure later we can discuss a better way to handle a situation if another similar one arises, but in the moment of the apology, I want them to feel better, to take the burden off of them. Just me.

An apology to me is nothing. I’ve have lost my approval of appologies because there have been too many empty ones in my life. My biological father apologies a few times to me here and there and then doesn’t ever change. I hate apologies.

An apology to me should be unsolicited.
In most cases the missing ingredient to repair once-solid relationships was a genuine apology for damage done.
I should be sincere. It should carry Regret, Responsibility, and Remedy.
A lame, forced, passive, excuse-laden, hasty apology is worse than none at all.

It means nothing to me if not sincere.

Everything.

There’s a difference between an apology that comes at the actual end of a hurtful action, and an apology that peppers a series of hurtful actions.

I tend to take the words, the apology, but also look for the talk to be followed by walking the walk. True apologies, to me, are genuine emotions followed by genuine remedies. Anything else is just a formality or BS.

I know some people who can’t apologize, no matter what, and people who overuse apologies. Most people, really, fall somewhere in the middle.

@jleslie I think you missed my point. How about this one:
“I’m sorry your feelings got hurt, but I did nothing to cause it.” See why I say it’s not an apology? For me, it’s not an apology unless someone owns up and says, “I did something wrong.” And saying, “I’m sorry your feelings got hurt,” is ambiguous.

Imagine… you are scuba diving in the great barrier reef and it’s so cold your shivering. You pee a little bit in your wetsuit and you become warm all over… just so you can enjoy watching the little fishies… Yet when you crawl back on the boat… you are covered in pee ‘till you go back to shore… kinda like an apology. You feel warm and better for a bit yet you are still covered in pee…yes, this analogy hits a lame apology I got recently :-(~

I agree with you @6rant6

@6rant6 I see your point, but that is not the translation in my mind. It is more, “I am sorry your feeling got hurt, I never wanted to hurt you, I didn’t know what I said would be painful to you.”

I think there are a lot of things that affect how I feel or respond to an apology.
Does the person apologizing really feel that they did something wrong or are they just apologizing to end the argument and “be the bigger person” all the while thinking that they are still in the right and you are wrong?
Is the person apologizing sorry for hurting your feelings but not sorry for what they said or did?
Is the thing which the person apologizing for something they said or did in a very stressful situation which was out of character for them? Or is the apology for something they tend to keep doing over and over again and then think that once they say they are sorry you need to forgive them?

I understand that a person can get emotional and say things in the heat of the moment that they later regret. If I feel like they are really sorry for saying it I have a very large capacity for forgiveness. But if their basic attitude has not changed and they just say they are sorry to make peace I still feel misunderstood. I still feel wronged. It is a lot harder for me to forgive them. I’m not saying this is a good thing, it’s just the way I am.
I feel that I try very hard to be honest with people without hurting their feelings. I get angry sometimes but I try not to say things in the heat of the moment that I will regret later. There are hurtful things that you can say that you can apologize for, but you can never take back. In love and in friendship I feel like these unkind words, over time, degrade your relationship. But maybe that’s just me. I know I am “too sensitive”....funny thing, the same thing that makes me “too sensitive” makes me sensitive to other people’s feelings, not just my own.

@JLeslie “I didn’t know what I said would be painful to you,” is a wonderfully clarifying statement. I can see situations where it would be enough to hear it, and situations where it would cause more hurt (like if I didn’t believe it.) But it’s magnitudes better than just, “I’m sorry your feelings got hurt.”

I think what you’ve written goes a long way toward showing that the apologizer intends to change – which is at the core of the thing, to me.

Maybe the difference between us is that when you hear someone say something, you “round up,” and I “round down.” I guess I feel that you can always ask for additional clarification – good or bad. Doing it your way, you might not know the worst. I suppose whether that’s good or bad depends on the situation.

@6rant6 I agree it would depend on the situation. I just go back to again, that if I love the person, or they are very close to me; well, I guess I do round up. The intention matters to me. Whether they were being selfish, or purposely trying to hurt me. It is exactly what you said, there is probably need for clarification, communication. We hear or feel things differently than the other person, have different perspectives. How you heard my sorry is very different than what my sorry means to me. But, let’s say I say I am sorry in a way that is not satisfying to you; do you stay angry, and think the he’ll with you? Or, do you take the time to ask me to clarify. As far as I am concerned I have already put out the olive branch, exposed myself as having hurt you, taken some responsibility, if then you are unaccepting, and just walk away or reject the apology the conversation is over. I am not trying to put you on the spot, I am trying to understand the mind of the people who round down, because I have some of those people in my family. I guess I need to know how to better apologize to them, but honestly they just make me feel like I’ll just interact with them less, and tend to agree with them if they have a strong opinion on something, won’t risk upsetting or crossing them. Those relationships feel much less close to me. They feel like walking on egg shells a lot of the time.

And to clarify I am not talking about big time wrongs that hurt people, I am just thinking we are talking about arguments that can happen between family, misunderstandings between friends, or a stray comment that really hurts someone.

@JLeslie History probably makes a difference, too. If it’s the fifty eighth time they’ve done it, I think one would be much less inclined to accept, “I’m sorry your feelings got hurt,” and more inclined to want to hear, “I did [the act]. I am sorry I did that, and I’m going to try not to do it in the future.”

@6rant6 Sure. History matters.