I'm lonely in my marriage - is there anyway to get my husband to do more things with me?

That’s really irksome and in your shoes then I’d feel overlooked, disrespected and pretty non essential to his life. I mean c’mon, in his spare time off work he doesn’t want to spend time with you? Get rid of him. You have no kids together right, are you working or able to in order to be independent?

My point is this. Life is short and this one is the only guaranteed one we know of. Get out there and live some. There are men out there interested in a woman with no kids to spend a lot of good times with. Or, you could drag him to therapy where he’ll most likely lie about why he doesn’t care to spend time with you and then resent you for taking up his time.

Have you asked him why he will go spend money with his friends but not with you? Have you considered asking him if he will go to counseling? Can you talk to him about how you are feeling? How are the other aspects of your marriage going?

In the meantime, just go do what you want to do. Don’t ask him if he wants to come, instead tell him you are going and that he’s welcome to join you if he wants, but that you are going with or without him. Maybe once he sees you going out and having a good time, he’ll want to join you.

Nothing is more lonely than being alone with someone. Why not have a reason to be alone and divorce him?

@Seaofclouds It’s hard to just go do stuff by yourself. I know, I’m single and not dating and can’t seem to go do things unless I have a friend to go with me. @gabby94805 has said she hasn’t made friends yet.

I think you should think seriously about divorcing this man. He has made his priorities clear, and you are not one of them.

It is not a relationship that I would want to be in.

You need to make a life for you. I don’t know if this is your situation or not, but a lot of men were attracted to their wives when they had a life, and interests and were having fun without him. It was that zest for life that they found attractive. When your entire social life is dependant on him it becomes a burden, rather than a pleasure.
I suggest you reach back into your single days, and remember what you were passionate about and get involved in those activities again. Was it fitness? Join a gym or a yoga class. Was it art? Take a class somewhere. the OC is full of great art classes. Was it Church? Join a local one. You need to get out there and make a life for yourself. Maybe it will reignite a spark and make him want to participate with you in some of the things, and maybe it wont. Either way, you won’t be sitting around feeling sorry for yourself, and your happiness won’t rely on the behavior of another person, it will come from within you.

@chyna I suppose that varies for everyone. I have no problem going and doing things on my own. I’ve gone to movies by myself and out to dinner by myself. I’m the type of person that if I want to do something and I can do it, I’m going to do it. Besides, getting out there and doing things is a great way to meet people and make friends.

By the way, I wish I still lived in OC. I would go to Disneyland with you!

15 years ago I would have answered this question by telling you to invest in counseling, that a relationship is worth everything you can give it to save. Well, after having lived a bit more, I can say from observation that most couple’s therapy is a waste of time- one or both parties have already made a mental decision to get out at some point anyhow and the disengagement is just a side detail of awkwardness and indecision.

Anyone who would pass up Disneyland? tsk tsk tsk

I don’t mind doing things on my own (if I did, I would never leave home!), but part of getting married and/or being in a romantic relationship is having someone to share life with.

@gabby94805 Do you want to work on your marriage or give up? If you want to work on it, talk to your husband about how you are feeling and ask him if he wants to work on the marriage or give up. If he wants to work on it too, then look into couple counseling. If either one of you don’t want to work on the marriage, then it won’t work.

I hate to say it, but @Neizvestnaya is right, according to my couples therapist. 90% of the couples end up divorcing. Only 10% manage to make it work.

That does not mean it isn’t worth it. For one thing, asking your husband to come to therapy to deal with these issues can scare him. He may decide to work harder on your relationship and stop taking you for granted. And if that doesn’t work, counseling can help you find a way to separate with the least destruction you can get away with.

Have you tried to find a job? That can help give you independence which is important.

But from the way you describe it, it sounds like your husband doesn’t care much about you. Is there anything culturally specific going on here? He’s not from Asia or some other place where they don’t treat wives very well, is he?

Good luck.

Committing to a marriage means you also commit your partner’s welfare and happiness, the bits you can affect. Ask him if he signed up for a different marriage plan than you did. If you go to therapy then please don’t waste anymore than 6mos. with their suggestions. Every day/month/year you spend married in good intent and well wishing for what you want more than what you two are getting is time you’ll never get back.

@wundayatta 90%? Where did you get that statistic?

You didn’t say in your question if you’ve sat down with your husband and really talked about this issue not in an accusatory way, but in a way that lets him know how his behavior effects you and what it is doing to your marriage. I would start there.

@gabby94805 How long have you and your husband been married? Has he always been like this (not wanting to do things with you) or is this a fairly recent problem? If it’s more recent, there might be the possibility tha the is suffering from depression. Depression can make people stop enjoying doing things that used to be fun/important to them.

The first thing I would do is sit down with him and have a frank discussion. Ask him why he goes out and does things with his friends, but not with you. Ask him if he doesn’t like something about you and just exactly what it is. Then let him know exactly how you feel. That you are lonely and that you feel taken for granted and marginalized in your own marriage. Depending upon what kinds of things he tells you (or refuses to tell you) that will kind of guide you on what you need to do next.

If he shrugs and say he doesn’t know. That is more likely to be depression. In that case, you should make him an appointment to get a full physical and a screening for depression with his doctor. He may balk at the idea, but let him know that you are going to make the appointment and if somehow he back out at the last minute, you should go to the appt. and talk to his doctor and let him know the situation.

If he gives you an earful of why you aren’t any fun, or he doesn’t like you or he thinks you are boring or too dependen or anything else (that hopefully ins’t true about you) then you might have to consider the fact that you married a dud, or someone who is selfish, or someone who is simply incompatible with you. If he tells you how awful you are, ask him right there on the spot if he wants a divorce. He’ll either say yes or no. If he says yes, then start the proceedings immediately. If he says no, ask him if he’d be willing to go to couples counseling with you. If he says no to therapy, then tell him that you are going to see a therapist on your own and then take it from there. If he says yes to therapy, suggest that he first get a consultation from his regular doctor. If he refuses, then talk to your own doctor and get some referrals.

@wundayatta is correct, in that most couples who go to counseling don’t end up staying together. But most is not all. So I would definitely give it a chance, first, before you reject it outright. The other thing is the threat of counseling will sometimes jump start the offending partner into going and then working with the spouse and the therapist and actually making a difference.

That is what happened with my best friend and her SO. He was being a real jerk to her about 10 years into their relationship, so she told him that she was going to leave him on the spot. She didn’t really want to do that, she wanted to work it out, but she knew that if he didn’t agree to go to counseling, then she would end up having to leave him anyway. He begged her not to leave him, so then she said that she would only stay if he agreed to go to counseling. At first he refused, so she told him that she was going to go for a few sessions and that if he didn’t shape up, then she was going to leave. After 2 solo sessions, he changed his mind and then they went together. He was really douchey at first, but then after about the 5th session, he kind of saw the light, about how his horrible behavior was hurting her and driving her away. The only reason this whole thing worked for them is because she was dead serious about walking away from him immediately if he didn’t change his ways. If she would have dilly-dallied and kept going back to him, he would never have changed. So both parties need to be very comitted to making changes for any kind of couples counseling to work.

Why did you guys move away from your other town? If you had to, could you go back there and get your old job back?

In the meantime, regardless of whether hubby is going to step up to the plate or not, do as some of the others have said and start doing things that you enjoy, but try to find activities where you can be part of a group or a team, that way you’ll be able to meet friends (and potential new husbands if necessary) that clearly like the same activities that you do.

Think about taking a cooking class, joining a book club, even a Disneyland trip for singles, or just some kind of group that gets together to go to Disneyland. Do you like to hike or go to the beach or the pool? Join a gym, join a gardening club, a photography club, find out where you can learn to ballroom dance or go line dancing or figure out if there are any volunteer opportunities in your area etc. You might also consider holding an informal “open house” at you new home (if hubby will go along with it and not scream at you for spending money) and invite all of your neighbors over for iced tea, punch and cookies and cake. One of my neighbors did that and it was really fun. We even met neighbors from a few streets up who we had never met. And the new neighbor made a bunch of new friends on that day.

Good luck : )

You don’t have kids. This allows you to ultimatum his ass. Have him be the inspiring person you want him to be or he can leave. Of course, you have to assess if you are everything he wanted as well, first.

I agree with those who suggest it’s time to leave your marriage. You don’t really have one. He’s not interested in sharing a life. Make a 2 column list: reasons to stay and reasons not to. You’re wasting time. Talk to him, yes. But be ready to go it alone. If you’re not working, get a job (hard, I know). Or get out and volunteer. You’ll meet people and make friends. Do NOT sit and feel sorry for yourself.

Maybe I’m old, but I am a bit freaked out by how quickly people are ready to throw away the marriage without even trying to fix it. It makes me sad. If it were a boyfriend I might agree, but why bother with marriage if you are going to bail at the first sign of trouble?

I reallly hate to say this, but it sounds to me as if this guy doesn’t love you. If a man truly loves a woman, he will do whatever he can to please her. This is obviously not the case in your relationship. I’m very, very sorry, hon. : ((

@Judi 100% agree. I disagree with everyone who is calling for divorce. There is a problem with the relationship? So? Cut and run? Or do the marriage vows actually mean something to you? Thank God I’m married to a woman who is tough. We have been through our share of troubles and it has made us stronger together.

All that said, you have such polar opposite advice from everyone… it must be tough reading all this. I wish you the best. Follow your heart!

@digitalimpression You are fortunate to have a strong relationship. @gabby94805 does not seem to have that kind of marriage. She has a husband who prefers to spend time with friends without her along. He does seem to want a true marriage. There are, at this point, no children to consider. Marriage vows mean different things to different people. Some get married with the idea of getting out if it isn’t everything they hope for. That doesn’t seem to be the case here, necessarily, but the ‘husband’ sure isn’t acting like one. Talk, yes, but be ready to get out if necessary. (And I’m not a cut and run kind of person. This is our 50th year together.)

@digitalimpression: I’m not a cut and run person either but I have read, heard and seen countless examples of couples needing relationship work and the one where one spouse isn’t even interested in hanging out with the other, those rarely make it because there’s already something else going on.

In the OP’s shoes, I’d point blank ask my husband if he wants to be married to me anymore because I want someone to hang out with me like he’s hanging out with his friends… and more.

@Sunny2 It only strengthened through adversity. I have a feeling there is more to the story than the little bit we are reading here. None of us know the complete story. To jump so hastily to divorce as an option is, to me, very bothersome.

@Neizvestnaya I suppose its up to her to decide if her relationship is of the “rare” variety.

Do you still pillow talk?

You need to seriously evaluate why you are allowing yourself to be so dependent. I learned long ago that my husband doesn’t like everything I like, and visa versa. He goes to his Broadway Plays and I don’t, I take the grandkids to the amusement parks and the beach, and if he does come, he brings his computer so he won’t be bored.

You need to develop your own friend base. Join a club or attend classes at your community college to meet people. You don’t need him to complete you, so just become more self actualizing

I agree with the previous comments that there are serious problems in your relationship. However, those who have said you should go and do things yourself are right. While I understand it can be confronting to have to go to places alone, the alternative is to stay home and feel as you do and not to live your life. I would see if there are any groups you can join in your local area where you will meet other people. Is there a community centre? Don’t you have Craigs List over there? See if there are any other women in your local area who might like to get out and do things with you? I bet you aren’t the only person who is wishing they could get out more, but is a bit reluctant to do things on their own.

I would start having some counselling too. On your own if necessary because sometimes counselling isn’t about keeping a relationship together, it is about finding the strength to move on to something better. Best of luck.

@quiddidyquestions Had you read my quip, you would have seen that the source was my couples therapist. It was quite a disquieting notion. He didn’t actually say 90%, but he gave me the impression that very few stayed together. That was just my guess.

@Judi you are absolutely right. I used to be in this same boat but as soon as I started making plans without him he started to take notice. I didn’t have many friends so I went to a yoga class, I went to the movies and took myself out to nice dinners and where I had always practiced my religion alone, this time I joined a group to worship with. He would see me bake cakes and take wine to my services and wonder what was going on that I was going without him and so happy afterwards. He noticed I had friends calling me all of a sudden and I was being invited to parties too. Then one day he said that he would like to come with me to my religious meeting one day. I was shocked. Then a week later he wanted to take me to the beach and then for a drive in the country. Now he always wants to hang out with me. He even will cancel to hang out with the guys so he can be in my face. Funny thing is though that now that I have my own life, I don’t want to share it with him! lol.

To answer some of the questions – yes, there are still some good times, and sometimes yes, there is pillow talk. My husband is Turkish and I have no idea what that means in terms of our marriage.

@gabby94805: Are you American from an American family? You say your husband is Turkish but did he grow up in America? I ask because some men believe the women should busy themselves with “women’s” things, other women and they men hang out together.

I lived in a family like this for near a decade and it was very frustrating to get my SO to go somewhere with just me, he was more comfortable if other couples were involved.. so he could have men to socialize with. It was no disregard for me but in his mind, a man who hangs out with his wife is a juvenile; mature “real” men don’t bother. I left that man because my idea of a partner was just too great a chasm for him to bridge and though it was heartbreaking, I’m better suited with someone else.

Ask your husband if he feels uncomfortable doing social things with just you.

Bottom line if you telling him how much it means to you to make plans, share activities together and he ignores your pleas, yep, time to go, unless you can fully accept that he is not going to change and YOU will have to find other activity companions.
Being unhappy IS a good enough reason to leave a marriage. What is dysfunctional is staying in an unhappy and incompatible situation and being a martyr.

You say your husband is Turkish but you have no idea what that means socially and culturally after 10 years of marriage?

Either accept him as he is and find alternatives to having some kind of fun on the weekends or leave.

The best and most likely to succeed marriages are those that share common interests, energy levels and, obviously shared values.

@Akua

Love that answer! : ))

Yes, that helps. It could be a matter of cultural differences coming into play if you are not Turkish. It could also be due to your upbringing and life experiences. How long have you known him? How well do you know his family?

More importantly though, the fast majority of us put on a good face when we first start a relationship. As we become more comfortable in it, as well as age, we become more of ourselves. We learn that it is safe to do the things that we like to do and say no to those that we don’t. Communication is always vitally important, and it takes both parties to make it happen.

I agree with those that suggest pursuing your own interests and making your own friends. While this may make you stretch out of a comfort zone, you are your own person and should treat yourself as such. A marriage certificate does not mean that the two of you are joined at the hip, or does it mean that it is doomed to fail.

If that doesn’t solve the problem, then it may be time to pursue counseling. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn’t. What my brother learned by going through it is a better perspective of his wife’s side, as well to how to move on when she called it quits.

If he refuses counseling or discussions with you, then the choices are to leave him or continue in the relationship and find other interests. All I know is that you won’t regret walking away if you give this relationship your very best shot.

There you go, he’s Turkish. . . That makes a big deal. The Turkish culture is male dominated. You should be submissive, and simply make yourself available to his pleasure. I’m not saying you should, I’m saying that’s how it is with Turkish men, and that’s how their families raise them to perceive marriage.

I know this due to encounters with Turkish women who are oppressed with their relationships with Turkish men.

It’s unfortunate.

@CaptainHarley Thanks Captain!

@Akua : ))

@Akua and @CaptainHarley ; I think it was a great answer too, especially since she started out saying ” @Judi you are absolutely right” lol.

@gabby94805 You said, ” I have no idea what that means in terms of our marriage”. How long have you been married? Have you ever talked with him about his expectations of you as his wife and of himself as your husband? If not, have that talk as soon as you can. Once you know what his expectations are, you can see where they line up with your expectations and then hopefully work to get things to a point you are both happy with.

LOL @Judi

Obviously I’m not surprised that he’s Turkish. I would not have asked if he came from a different culture, had it not sounded like that could be the case.

His behavior seems common among men from other countries besides first world ones. They do not seem to hang out with their wives. I guess they expect their wives to make friends with other wives, if they even think about their wives’ comfort at all.

I would be very surprised if he would be willing to go for counseling. If he were very enlightened for a Turk, he might, but then, he probably wouldn’t treat you the way he does. However, he is almost certain to have very negative attitudes towards therapy. It will be something for women, not men. A man would never share his problems with anyone else. Besides which, the therapist can’t help, and in addition, there is no problem.

You may want to read a few books by American women who have married foreign men. You might see yourself in some of those books. You might get some ideas about how to handle it more to your liking. I think the odds are against you. I would certainly fight for your marriage, but I think you’ll have a hard time getting his attention, and getting him to support you in the way you need but that also fits within his cultural prejudices about what wives are supposed to be.

@wundayatta How many men do you personally know from Turkey, much less are descendants from Turkish families? Even if you do know enough to state such a judgement, every human being is different. We know nothing about this man, other than what the OP has shared. What she describes could be the same actions for me and for you.

@wundayatta
I agree, however, plenty of non Turk jerks too, sounds like about a million ex-husbands. lol

@Pied_Pfeffer I guessed right about the different culture. I think that gives me good ground to keep on making guesses. Actually, it wasn’t a guess. It was a theory for which there is now more evidence. Go ahead and come up with your own theory. I’m not trying to be politically correct. I’m trying to put my knowledge to work.

Not knowing men from Turkey is not a problem. I’ve read countless stories about men from that part of the world who behave in ways that surprise and disturb their American wives. Now, as you say, every human being is different. And I’m only talking about one individual. I am not making a generalization about Turkish men. I am referring to a pattern that occurs when American women marry Middle Eastern Arabic men. It surely does not happen in all such marriages, but it happens often enough that even I, unschooled as I am, have heard of it.

@Judi oh you are funny! lolol. But you were right.

If I’m not mistaken Turkey is an Islamic land isn’t it? The religion itself separates men and women, so if he is muslim and was born and raised within it, his reactions are completely understandable. I am not judging an entire religion though. I’m going by my experiences with muslim men and their families. Part of my family is muslim and I was married to a muslim many, many years ago. They have a whole different concept of a womans need and they will not change it to make a wife happy. In my past relationships and what I see of family, they think that a lot of what women say and think is trivial. I have met one man who grew up in that environment who treated his wife with consideration and tenderness but that was one out of thousands that I know. If he in fact is NOT muslim then please dismiss all that I have said. LOLOL.