What should I say to stop her from doing this ? (details inside)

“Jane I am sorry to hear that John is having so many problems. I hope he has some friends who can help. I cannot.”
Then repeat.

Depending upon your situation you might offer to pay him if he does some work for you. But most likely it is best to not even offer this option if they are both “crazy”

Before you ask, I’m not giving you anymore money, I’m sorry.

Then I would say, “Three thousand dollars…..are you insane?”. Who asks to borrow that kind of money?

You could tell her that the buck has already stopped here.

She has not asked me for it. She just calls and does this “fake crying’ thing and tells me he needs 3K.

“Sweetie, you’ve already told me this. Talking to me about his financial situation won’t solve the problem. If you are looking for advice, I’d be glad to help. Here it is: If you love him, help him find a job, or take another one on yourself.” Then change the subject.

Your daughter is old enough to know better. Sounds like her new old boyfriend is pulling her strings, like a puppet, in order for you to hand over your money. You have been through this routine more than once, right?

It’s time to set your daughter straight. She is not a juvenile, she is a grown woman. You need to remind her of this.

By the way, are drugs involved in this situation?

No; drugs are not involved, John, although he was part owner of a bar and brings liquor home (or used to when the bar was still open)

I would never dream of asking my dad for three thousand dollars.

I’d just take it

Aster, are both alcoholics? What’s the need for the money?

I don’t know him; SHE likes almost any kind of “drug.”
The money is to re-open the bar which was closed because he “forgot” to pay this liquor license. I think , just my opinion, he hoped the bill would just go away and/or he didn’t have the money. She has Major Problems with every single relationship. I haven’t figured this out yet but if I were her I think I would have just given up on them. I think and have been told that , after a certain age, most of the guys available are “on” something or have serious flaws. I hope not but watching her…...

Remind her on how this man “stole” liquor from this said bar and that he is solely responsible for it’s trouble and there is no way in hell you would give that loser thief a dime.

woow, cruiser ! I can’t do that ! I don’t want him to hate me! (but I never thought of him as a thief ONLY because people who own restaurants bring food home, right?)

@Cruiser we were told (told) that he was half owner so that makes it not stealing?

Why do you care if he hates you or not?
As to your Q, @Pied_Pfeffer has the right of it (IMO), tell her she’s repeating herself, then change the subject.

I just care if someone hates me. Especially since she is the type who bad-mouths her mother to people and I don’t want him to believe her.

Don’t say anything about money. Just listen to your crazy daughter’s lamentations for as long as you can. If you had enough and had to make an excuse, tell her you need to be on Fluther where unless you post answers, jellies who asked questions would go kill themselves. Crazier beats crazy all the time, see? Lol.

She hasn’t directly asked me for any money
Until she actually asks for the money why not just nod sympathetically and say “Gee that’s too bad.”

Ah, there is the problem, or shall we say ‘challenge’. I see no reason to worry about what this guy, who you have never met, thinks about you. For now, the only thing he has to go on is what your daughter feeds him and vice versa. Maybe it is time to meet him. That’s the only way to get a grasp on what the truth of the matter is.

Even if you were to give the boyfriend this money, what would it accomplish? It may get the bar back open short-term, but it doesn’t guarantee his success, or that he will pay it back. It won’t prevent your daughter from more manipulation tactics down the road.

As for bringing liquor home from a bar, even if the person is the owner or co-owner, yes, it is technically stealing. Restaurants are different. Food has a very limited shelf life, whereas liquor stored properly doesn’t in most cases.

As for the chances of finding a decent man at her age, it happens all the time. The challenge might be that most of them will at some point see her for what she is.

Give her three (timed) minutes at the beginning of the conversation to whine, hint and behave immaturely. Then you say, “Sweetie, let’s talk about something else now.”

I can’t thank you guys enough for your fabulous answers. And, @Pied_Pfeffer , you are right: even if the 3K got the bar opened it guarantees nothing. Besides; someone was murdered in the parking lot a year or so ago. They are over 500 miles away (from me) w/her boyfriend’s parents. When the shack, and I mean shack, that her dad bought her burned down 2 months ago her car melted so she has no transportation. If I had said, “poor baby, you two come stay with us for awhile” she would have made it here in no time. I won’t even go into what it’s like to have her in your space. It’s hard to explain but you lose your mind.—I want to add that my younger daughter is a wonderful blessing. Same father.

“That’s too bad. What do you intend to do about it?”

@Jeruba I will say that. I will say, “I’m sorry; what is he going to do?” And then hope she doesn’t interpret that as an offering of help from me. I cannot raise a 50 year old man and I THOUGHT I was through raising her decades ago.

The role of being a parent doesn’t end until the parent dies. I’m 48 and called Mom last year when my arms hurt from receiving three shots in preparation for a trip to Marrakesh. She called back the next night to see if the pain had subsided. She never calls mid-week.

The role of being a good parent doesn’t include being an ATM machine, especially when the account has been closed. The best thing that you can do for her is provide tough love. It may not solve the problem, as it is her responsibility to work through this. It sounds like she is capable of doing so.

@Pied_Pfeffer I think she KNOWS tough love is the way for a parent to go because she ridicules it. “Oh, I know; tough love, huh?” I won’t go into everything and the cost thereof that she has received from us. It would boggle your minds. In summary, every house, piece of clothing, DOG and car are all gone . Replace them? Theyre gone again. Everything she has ever had has been either divorced, burned up, stolen, sold for pennies, killed or pawned. I’ve never heard of this; your belongings are at risk. I don’t wish to sound materialistic but who wants THEIR THINGS treated like this? Therefore, I must keep my (our) distance. She tries her best to make me feel GUILTY AND SELFISH but my conscience is clear. Thank God I found the best home imaginable for one of her dogs she deserted. She asked me to keep her for a week; after THREE MONTHS I found a wonderful home for this wonderful Maltese with a retired couple who used to raise and sell pomeranians. I salvaged something.

This person has not been experiencing the consequences of her choices because Mother was still rescuing her. You are wise to stop at last and refuse to submit to emotional blackmail.

To your original question, you can’t stop her. You can’t control what she says or does. You can only control what you say and do. The exact words don’t matter as long as they add up to “No.”

Let her use all that ingenuity and persistence in solving her own problems instead of badgering and manipulating you into solving them.

I’m sure you’re right but she appears to suffer all the time. She’s always torn up, upset, depressed, crying and doesn’t connect what happens to her with her choices.
For instance: her father , who is also crazy but not stupid, bought her a firetrap of a house sight unseen. He felt he was rescuing her. It was a large, glued and nailed together horror of a place with , I guess, old wiring. And LOTS of insects. So she was happy for a few weeks and then it burned. Im very happy she wasn’t there at the time but it was suspicious. An ex boyfriend of hers had his house burned twice. He simply had it rebuilt and it is very elegant. When my husband saw her “house” he said if it were his place, he’d bulldoze it and start over . Next thing I knew it had burned. And melted the car her dad got her which wasn’t running anyway , partly because whenever she is given a car she can’t stay out of it. Its mania, I’m pretty sure. She just drives around all day long non-stop until the cars just stop running. So in a way she has suffered consequences but it has never made any difference whatsoever. He gives her cars and she just drives like shes running away from herself? Her life? I don’t know. If she were a danger to herself I’d say she should have spent years in a mental institution.
Is it possible that some people don’t like to be happy and settled?