Have you had to teach your child a lesson about when not to do the things we usually encourage?
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Supacase (
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August 29th, 2011
The little girl across the street has a cousin who was coming over on her birthday. My daughter packed an enormous gift bag full of her toys to give her. I had to think about how to answer this one.
Simply by chance, the little girl lives in a very low-income family. Giving her so many toys could easily be offensive to her parents.
I tried to explain gift limits to my 5 y/o and she kept thinking, “but I’m being nice, I’m doing something good.” She honestly was, but it wasn’t exactly appropriate.
I finally asked how she thought I would feel if I could only get her one gift but the little girl down the street could give her ten gifts; She thought about it, said I would be sad and then started to understand. I also told her there is a level of appropriate gift giving – we give more to our family than we do to buddies, etc. We decided on one gift for each year: one bigger thing and smaller items like play jewelry or a pencil for the other years.
I found teaching her when doing the nice thing isn’t the ‘right’ thing was very hard. It was confusing for her and it made me sad to see her reaction at having her generosity essentially rejected. I made sure to tell her she really was being very sweet and kind.
BTW, I did not tell her it was b/c this little girl in particular is underprivileged. I made sure to make it a broad, generalized lesson.
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11 Answers
Yes, talking is the worst one. they learn to talk, and we are thrilled, but they won’t ever shut up.
I went through the same thing with my daughter when she was little. She wanted to give her friend all the toys she like of hers. My answer to that was I told her that all the kids were only going to bring one gift and they would be jealous if she bought her more because they will think she was just trying to prove to her friend that she was the better friend and they would be upset with her. I also told her that her friend would probably like an unused toy much better because it would feel more like her own.
When her friend moved she did give her a lot of her dolls so she would remember playing with her and her friend did the same. It was cute.
I think kids know the difference of a poor friend a one that isn’t. Your daughter was probably sad because she feels bad that her friend doesn’t have as many nice things as she does.
I would tell her what really matters to her friend is that she has a nice friend who loves to share.
I know this from my own personal experience. I grew up poor and had a friend who had a nice home an lots of toys. Although I didn’t have much toys, it was nice that I could always go over to her house to play and vise versa. Its not the toys that matter so much, but the friendship.
Tell her a real friend doesn’t have to give you lots of things. They just have to be loving most of all.
@Pandora There wasn’t a party. I tried the one gift rule, but she said, “I have a lot of toys. I want to give them to her.” She was pretty adamant about this.
I love your answer about showing love being more important. Perfect. Wish I had thought of it in the midst of the situation.
Also love your explanation of why a new toy is better, which answers my other question!
When I tell my little girls “You don’t always have to tell the whole truth to Mommy about what Daddy does and says.” (Er, for example, when Daddy says something funny about their Mommy!) Hey, I’m just trying to stay out of trouble. :D
@bkcunningham we teach and encourage our little ones when they first learn to speak. Every word is a little victory, yaaay. Then they get the hang of it, and they don’t shut up…. and it becomes annoying. Fast.
They talk when we are on the phone with a repair man, they talk when it’s time to go to sleep, they talk the whole way to the store and while the we are trying to go through the check out stand. They talk while we are trying to listen to the dialog on a TV show, they talk when they are supposed to be eating, they talk when we are trying to read a book, they talk when we are trying to have a conversation with someone else.
@YARNLADY Yes! Plus, we tell them to always tell the truth. Explaining when to say nothing instead of telling the truth is a tough one, too.
Ooohhh. Of course. I get it now @YARNLADY. I’m sorry for being so dense. Of course.
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