I need help with my daughter, could people who know Aspergers help me?

This doesn’t sound specific to Aspergers. It sounds like she’s starting to assert her independence, it’s about that time in her life when she starts to learn how to take care of herself.

Hopefully some parents in the same situation can give you some solid advice, but I believe in general you want to set boundaries as to what you find to be acceptable behavior and stick to them so they’re as clear and consistent as possible. Let her know you’re there for her and that you will respect her boundaries but being rude is not acceptable for example (if that’s your position).

Honestly, I don’t think it’s related to Aspergers, but to impending teenage-hood. All three of my girls have gone /are going through at least a little of this, and it’s fairly normal. That’s not to say it’s ok, though.

As @funkdaddy says, it’s important that you have consistent, reasonable boundaries and consequences for overstepping them. Keep telling her you love her, and try to have some fun together in between the angst.

She could lack skills of properly expressing anger and feelings. Do consider her triggers and stressors and see if you can provide options and or choices that may be less likley to provide conflict in her life. Greatly reward good behaviors and as much as you can and within reason ignore the outbursts. Find a “safe” activity that soothes her. My son greatly benefited from restrictive conditions….buried under pillows wrapped in a blanket and when out and about if he went off a therapeutic hold or hug quickly brought him back to earth. I found having choices for my son defused many potentially troublesome situations. I would guess there is stress in her life that she does not feel safe about. See if she will identify these and do talk about them and see if you can prove to her things are not so worrisome for her and keep working on these issues. Most of all simply talk about her feelings and tell her it is always OK to feel the way she is feeling. Then talk….just talk about her feelings and offer alternatives to channeling this anger. Children with these issues are very often tactile and my sons greatly benefited from having a spikey rubber squeeze ball with him to he loved to touch, play with and squeeze when he started feeling uncomfortable in any given situation. Gosh….good luck!

Is it possible that her behavior is completely normal for her age and circumstance?

Has she been diagnosed with Asperger syndrome? The reason I ask is that none of what you describe has anything to do with it.
If you are diagnosing her yourself due to lack of access to a therapist, I suggest that you drop the label right now, take a deep breath, and listen to her. You can also grab a book on adolescence from your library that might help.

Disclaimer: I am not a therapist.

I am sorry that you are in a situation where you can’t confer with a therapist. I hope things improve in your life soon. In the meantime, I hope you can at least get some relief from just conversing on Fluther.

So here’s my two cents. When a ritual or routine gets disrupted, it is very difficult on a chid with Asperger’s. People with Asperger’s, like many other people in life, respond best to structure, consistency and order. Perhaps you could show her where her father is moving with the emphasis on how it is so close it won’t change her visitations. Ask her dad to get involved and explain that things won’t change.

If she attends public school, that might be a good source of assistance for you. I’m assuming she’s enrolled in a special program at school. Ask her teachers or counselors at school for help too.

@tom_g yes she has been diagnosed with Asperger syndrome. I’m asking about all this because this behavior came on in only a few months.

I know I shouldn’t compare, but her sister is 12 and yes she blows every once in a while but for the most part she is laid back and responds to us much better than her sister. So the only difference that I can see is the aspergers. Thank you for the great comments so far.

Aspies cannot handle change with out a proper transition. Even though she’ll see her dad, things will be different. The sights, the sounds, everything in her world that relates to him.

My husband and my son have Asperger’s. Both need a long time to transition to an immediate family change.

My questions are:

-How was she informed of his move?
-Does she know where her quiet place will be in her dad’s new place?
-Has she been driven around the new neighborhood prior to the move?
-After the move were walks taken and things pointed out/explained?

Most likely your daughter at age 11 has the emotional maturity of a child half of her age.
-How would you treat this move/change differently if she was a 5 to 6yr old child?
-When you are speaking to her, do you use a calm, quiet non-emotional tone?
-Do you allow her to transition prior to desiring to converse with her? (Ex: Sweetheart, in 10 mins I’d like to talk to you at the dining room table. Then giver her a five min reminder.)

Considering she will be going through puberty soon and those changes will be incredibly challenging for you, you and her dad need to discuss how you will work out a payment plan with a psychologist. If a move is throwing her off, you’d both better prepare for the much tougher road just ahead.

I will come back to this thread later, as I’ll be out most of the day….BUT, I will return with more assistance for you