In my mid 20's with a child, stuck at my parents house, how can I get out of this rut?

OK, just take it a day at a time. Write down your goal to move to another state with you daughter.

Start looking for work in that state. Start looking for work where you are. You need money to get anything done.

Figure out what kind of job you can get. Figure out what kind of job you want and what the qualifications are.

Can your parents provide some child care so you can have time to work? Or can you get government-provided child care (and or job training)?

Write down to steps that you will have to accomplish to move to another state.

Break down your larger goal into small accomplishable steps.

Then work toward your goal. Every day, each activity that you do ask yourself if it is putting you closer to your goal.

You can do it!

Probably the most realistic thing is to get a job where you are, stay with your parents and save like crazy. Maybe have a one year plan of doing this, and then you can use your savings to get you to the other state you want to live in and provide a cushion to pay for child care, and other expenses. You didn’t mention the age of your child? Is he/she in school yet?

my daughter is 13 months right now

Oh, 13 that makes things easier. Not that your situation is easy of course, but if you had an infant it would complicate things. She can be alone after school, you don’t have to have child care I am assuming. Are you allowed to move out of state, is there any custody agreements with her father?

I still think your easiest road is to work a little now and save some money, but since your daughter is a teen, maybe you only need a few months to get your act together, save some money and move. Probably good to time a move with the winter or summer break at school anyway.

Or, if you have relatives in the other state, maybe you can move right away and have them help you with a place to stay?

@JLeslie, she said 13 months.

@JLeslie, her child is one year and one month old.

Oh, crap, I swear I am so out of it this morning. Then scratch my second answer, go back to my first one. Although, I am still wondering if the OP is sure she can leave the state and the father is ok with it.

I haven’t looked into it really but he’s out of the picture (his choice)

@galadriel You’re going through a rough spell, that happens in life. They’re what makes the good stuff in life even better. What you should think over is what your interests are in thinking over a possible career. What do you like to do? Bummer on the father, he’s missing out on something that can be special.

You really need to set a goal and make plans to follow through. What state do you want to move to? What kind of job can you get? What does it pay? What kind of housing can that afford you? Are you willing to accept state assistance or food stamps to make it happen? What are you going to do about childcare?
You need to write it all out, do your research and start doing your math. If you get your numbers together, and understand what they mean, you will have a better idea of what it will take moving forward.
May I suggest you have patience, get a job and really plan for this without going into debt for it? It sounds like if you already have a bankruptcy in your mid 20’s, you amassed debt because you were not willing to wait for things you wanted. (Maybe you had medical bills or an emergency, but usually it’s credit cards at your age. )
Take advantage of your parents generosity to get a job and save up for your goals. You will be so proud of yourself when you do.

Mid 20s? You’re a kid yourself! You are in a great position to accept your parent’s generosity and start again. They may be willing to care for your daughter while you go back to school. Work hard, love that kid, and eventually you’ll be able to climb out of that hopelessness. It will take some time, but you’ll be stronger for it, and your daughter will be able to witness how a woman can redefine her life and transform it.

Don’t lose track of your long-term goals and career due to temptation of a job that may allow you to move out and feel some independence. And remember to take a moment every day to reflect on what you have (a daughter, parents who care enough to allow you to live their house, etc).
Go out there and kick ass. You’ll look back at this moment someday and realize how far you have come.

@JLeslie I think you’ll need your parents’ support right now. You should be grateful you have them. It’s difficult to start from scratch when you have a baby and a job to manage. You have some very good advice up there from @marinelife and @JLeslie (apart from where @jles thought your kid was 13 years old heheh.

Sorry that wasn’t directed at Jles!

You might also need to check on whether you will be allowed to move out of state. If your partner has any kind of shared custody or visitation with your child, you may not be allowed to move out.

If your ex seems dissinterested in being a parent you probably don’t have a problem with moving out of state. If you had been married it would be more complicated,

@galadriel : Welcome to Fluther. You’ve found a community of people here who care about each other and who will take time to answer questions with real concern.

I really like what @marinelife had to say: take it one day at a time. I would also like to echo what other people have written here: get a job where you are now and save, because you’re going to need money once you get to your new state.

Let me be a bit blunt. You’re in a funk right now due to the break up of your relationship. Don’t blow that out of proportion. Don’t move states just to run away from your feelings. Deal with your feelings here and now.

In everything, best of luck.

I tip my many hats to @marinelife and @JLeslie for their thoughtful and excellent answers. Such answers warm my heart make remind me why the Fluther community is something special!

Join a child care co-op. You can get out of the house and meet other parents, many of them are single moms like yourself.

@YARNLADY That sounds like a great idea. Maybe check into such a thing in the new state.

You need to take it slow. Get a job then ask for a transfer to another state or just look for a job outside your state. If I were you I’d change things slowly but effective. If you want money/a good house/ a good job/ a place to raise your kid properly you need to understand you can’t do them all at once or you’ll have no strength soon.

And while you’re at it you can try finding someone to share your life with .. might help but it can also create a lot more problems. Unless you take a chance you’ll never know if it works or not.

It’s hard but I hope you’ll get better soon.

Don’t do anything out of a knee-jerk “I’ve got to do something, So I’ll try this!” sort of action. Also remember that every major life decision is a major stressor, and she’s already stressed. This is one more reason to think things through, and change her life one step at a time. http://www.roadtowellbeing.ca/questionnaires/life-stressors.html

What are the agreements with your baby’s father as far as court mandated support and visitation?

Check into programs for single mothers, you may be able to get some valuable vocational training via a local grant or scholarship, maybe even job placement. Any leg up you could qualify for is going to be precious because times are hard right now.

How are your dealings with your baby’s father’s family members? Your own extended family? The more people you talk to about what you’d like to do, the more likely you are to get help and even references out of state. You need to think about childcare, transportation, housing and a job no matter where you decide to go.

@Neizvestnaya The OP said the father is out of the picture.

@JLeslie: Out of the picture doesn’t always equal legally out of the picture. Too many people get shortsighted and exclude whole families of people because of an ex partner. Better if she considered help from a greater pool of people (if possible) rather than assuming it’s just she and baby against the world.

@Neizvestnaya It doesn’t sound like she was ever married to the father so he is legally out unless he puts himself in.

It doesn’t seem like a good idea for the child to have her father drop in and out of her life. Shouldn’t he be either in or out and not leave her constantly wondering and wishing? If it were my child, I would give him the choice once only and then stick to it. I think the OP would do best to solve this without him.

There have already been a few good suggestions.
1.Best thing to do is figure out what is your final goal and why it is your goal. Make realistic goals.
2. Figure out a plan. And count each victory you accomplish. Its easy to get discouraged when things don’t go right the first time and lose sight of your final goal.
3. Stick to your plan.
To make things easier though, help around the house. Remember your not the only one who may not be happy with the situation. Try not to burden your parents. Its easy to overstay your welcome so think in reverse. If my parents had to live with me, what would I feel they should contribute. Help with chore, help with cooking, help with errands. Help a little with groceries.
Would I find it fair that they don’t contribute anything but always have money to hang out and leave me home babysitting?
By being a big help they won’t feel your are a burden and you won’t feel uncomfortable.
You’ll going to have to sacrifice evenings out to save and shopping sprees. Stretch your money as far as you can so you can put most of it away and remember its all for your final goal.
Get any job for now but keep applying other places till you find the one job you really want.
Something is better than nothing.

Let me know when you figure it out….I’ve been living at home almost 8 months and it sucks. Its hard to find a job because my son has kindergarden from 11am-2:50pm and I can’t afford to pay anyone to watch him right now.

@cheebdragon You can’t work evenings and give your mom something for babysitting? Also depending where you live there are some low budget day care for parents who have low to no income. If your on welfare, some of them will at least provide daycare for days you have job interviews. Only problem is a lot of these programs have long waiting list. But you can try other moms who have kids in your school and ask them if they are willing to watch your kid when you have a job interview and once you start working they will only have to watch your kid from morning till 11 and then pick them up at 2.50. If you work from 6 to 3 than you will only pay for about 6 hours. Some moms don’t mind half a days work.
Best thing is to line up some possible daycare for when you do get a job, or work nights.

I think all the suggestions above are good ones…

I once had to spend a year at home as an adult while my father was extremely ill. It is a very difficult thing to live with one’s parents (even if they are exceptional and wonderful.) I think that one of the things that I dealt with the most was my deepest need for personal space. Just having my own space. While I had my own room, it still didn’t feel like it was mine. I think personal space is so important…even with a baby…perhaps even more so.

I don’t know what your living situation is. If your parents live in a house (not an apartment) see if you can find a way to put up a small shed/workshop or other living area in the yard that is just yours. You can often find sheds for sale online or at your local hardware store. Or see if you can convert the garage into a small living space that is separate from the main area. Perhaps if you, your parents or a relative is handy with tools, they can build you a simple shelter. Look at these for inspiration: “link: http://www.tumbleweedhouses.com/

Do you know Sark? She wrote most of her books and became a best-selling author while living in a shed! link

If you don’t have a yard or access to a garage or a shed (by the way, sometimes people have used ones for sale, too) then just redo the space you are in. Make a small sacred space within your own room, with a little table to put the things that mean something to you…including a notebook where you can write the things you really desire in your life. Get yourself a comfy chair at a garage sale and put that in there, too. Make it a special place to nurture your dreams. Tell your family that when your door is shut, that is your space. If that is the only place you have for you and the baby, make it as beautiful as possible. Throw away the clutter (that only bogs you down) clear your mind and then you can find ways to move forward. If you have a walk-in closet use a corner of that as your special space.

While you are looking for work, you can put some energy into making your own space (even if you have to live with mom and dad), forging a bit of independence, a place you can escape to with baby…shut the door and breathe and think.

Good luck.

Remember, it will not always be like this. There is always a future and you will get out of the rut if you put your mind to it.

Your not doing anything right now.. Your parents are footing the bill and you have free time.. Use that time by completing your GED, get into college or trade school on a part-time basis and learn some profession that will benefit you in the future then before you know it you will have an opportunity to better yourself.. It just takes desire and the refusal to feel sorry about your current situation..

If you recently separated from your partner, you might need to take a moment to take that in,
You are raising a 13 month old child, and you need time for that very important work.
Your parents seem to be offering you a place to stay while you get these things in perspective. And they are wonderful for your child so that she has other people to help with her care, you are not alone.
Even though this might feel like a rut to you, from the newness of it, it doesn’t sound like that to me. More like time to breath. Time to figure out what you really want to do.
It might help you to figure out what happened in your past relationship before you head out and tumble into the same kind of thing. Take some time. Let your parents be good grandparents. Start thinking about getting some part-time work, and maybe getting into a parenting class with other mothers so you can learn about what other people are doing with babies of your child’s age. You might also make some friends and gain some parenting skills.
Then, when you feel a bit more solid, you can think about where you might like to go, and begin putting out feelers for jobs and housing where that might be.

I’m in a similar situation. I’m almost 22 and I have a 2 and a half year and I’m living with my parents. Best thing to do, like others said, is to get a job. You can’t do anything if you don’t have money. My parents help a lot with my child and watching her, I hope yours will do the same, maybe until you can afford daycare. It’s hard to find that right balance of you watching your child, and your parents watching her. My mom often tells me she feels like she had another kid. Is there a way you can get your baby daddy to pay for daycare? There has to be. He may not want to be in the picture, but he better believe he’s still financially responsible.

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. It really has its ups and downs, if you ever wanna talk or vent, feel free to PM me.

I know how you feel. I was barely in my 20s and living with my two infants and my BF. I had to get out of the relationship and become independant. Luckily I had a sister that lived four hours away and was more than willing to let me come live with her and her husband while I got myself on the right track. I had to go on welfare…WIC and child care assistance. If I didn’t have any of that I would still be living with my parents….of course now my mom lives with me, but that is another story. I would say stay ther…get a job and save. You won’t be able to do it alone and as much as I am sure it sucks your parents/family are your best support right now. I hope things work out….I know they did for me. The only thing I would not advise is the child support, unless you know he is good for it. I didn’t even bother with it. I just wanted him out of the picture and I knew if I filed supprt he would never go away, that and he has never held a job for more than a few months. It would have been more stress that I didn’t want or need in my life. I have a husband now that feels the same way and is happy to take on full responsibilities…financially and paternally.