Is it allowed in this modern days to get upset when you are mistreated?

Yes, where do you think civil rights came from lol? But in your situation, you have address them in a mature and calm manner: “What you did made me feel…”

Um, yes.

I’ve never been alive for a time where it wasn’t normal!

“Getting upset” is normal enough. It’s how you express it, what you say and do when you’re upset that might upset others in turn.

Why of course, we’re an emotional lot after all.

I’m not sure exactly how you are expressing yourself with people that have mistreated you. Also, it kind of depends upon the kind of mistreatment you have received.

For example, if a guy stands you up on a date, there is no need to cry or scream, but it’s perfectly acceptable to ask him if there was some reason why he stood you up, and if there wasn’t a good reason, then you can just tell him that being stood up made you feel like your time wasn’t important to him.

If a waiter is rude to you at a restaurant, again, you shouldn’t scream or create a public spectacle, but you should ask that the waiter rectify the situation and if he/she won’t, then go straight to the manager with your calm, collected account of the situation and what you expect to happen (an apology, a free meal, assuance that the training will be changed or whatever it is that you expect). You can also phone or write or e-mail the manager.

If someone cuts in front of you in line, there is no need to glare or shout at the person, but you can politely say to them, “Oh, we’ve been waiting in line over here, the end of the line is actually way back there, sorry.” said with a polite smile. If that person then gives you a dirty statement back, then you raise your hand and get the attention of the cashier and/or the store manager and let them handle the problem.

If a man hits you or abuses you verbally or in any other way, if it happens in public then you should jump up in front of everyone and start yelling to get the attention of other people to either come to your aid or simply to let them know that there is a violent person in their midst.

So the answer is YES, but you have to act appropriately and with the correct amount of emotion, depending upon the severity of the situation. Also the remedies for solving the problems will be different too.

@all guys – well, I take in all your saying.

@CWOTUS This is exactly what I am saying, you expressed your feelings about the mistreated did to you, they then avoided you to communicate. I find it even more upsetting… it makes you feeling like you are not worth it.

@Londongirl Can you tell us about the particular situation you are referring to, in which you felt mistreated? We can give you better advice if we have a better idea of what happened.

respect is just a minimum

@Kardamom I think it is the general experience I have recently with guys in general. They like to cancel date or delay date and when you get upset about their behaviour, they simply just ignoring you. I find people are less and less reliable and trustworthy.

What kind of mistreatment?

If it is something minor and you get upset, you could be overreacting.

If it is something major, then by all means be upset. Do you have to express it? Not necessarily.

General people treat other people and being reliable and all this, very disappointing about guys behaviour nowadays.

Don’t get so discouraged and upset that you over-generalize. How many guys in particular are you talking about here? It could be that you need to find a new crowd, or at least “new guys” who aren’t like that, because not all are dismissive, disrespectful and unreliable.

@CWOTUS Most guys are dismissive, disrespectful and unreliable in my experience in London so far. They just disappoint you. I kind of loose trust on guys more and more to be honest.

I feel sorry for some single moms who got left and cheated by guys. Luckily, I don’t have any childs from some dishonourable guy.

No, it is strictly against the rules.

Getting upset is the sign of an immature person. The rest of us simply take action to correct/avoid the situation. Why give anyone else the satisfaction of making you upset when you don’t need to.

I

@YARNLADY I think it is normal human emotional reaction to be upset. Upset if nature it is not immature. Do you ever get upset by something or someone? Really?

It is one thing to be upset, that is logical. It is another thing how you express being upset. If someone reached across my plate at a BBQ as if I were not there or they couldn’t be bothered to ask me I would be upset, if I hopped up from the table took off my glasses and watch and said, “Oh, you are going to disrespect me like that huh? Why don’t you stand up and see if you disrespect me. After I tear you a new rabbit hole in your I bet you respect me!” might be a bit over the top for the offence. Some people upset they got cut off on the freeway tend to express that with gun fire, so it is how you express your displeasure over if you get upset or not.

Of course! The actions of those around us can be hurtful at times and naturally, we’re going to feel upset. As many others have mentioned, it’s important how people express their feelings in such a situation. Usually, I take a bit of time to gather my thoughts and if I feel strongly about it, I’ll address the issue with the person in question.

@Hypocrisy_Central I like that BBQ story…

@Londongirl Just from reading some of your other posts on other questions, I know you have been doing the online dating thing. That’s where some of your problem lies. Men on those sites have all sorts of reasons for being on there. A lot of them are just testing you out to see if you might be someone they’re interested in dating, but you are one of many women that they’re testing, so you are of little importance to them.

You really need to look elsewhere for quality men, and that usually means meeting real live men in places that involve activities that are interesting and important to you. In that way, you can get to know people (men and women alike) that have common interests as you do, and you can get to know them a little bit before you decide to date them. Online dating is a total gamble. People online (men and women both) say all sorts of things to get you interested in dating them (some true, some lies) but until you actually meet people and get to know them really well (in real life) you’re just playing a game with them. But with online dating sites, the date itself is where you meet them for the first time.

If you are involved in activities that are meaningful to you, you will meet people that share your interests and are not there, simply to try you out for sex. You can get to know people, become friends with them, see how they really are in a normal situation (rather than in a highly charged sexual situation) and see if you like how they treat you and other people. Get to know people much better, before you even consider dating anyone. That way you give yourself a much better chance of meeting quality people that are going to treat you well.

Do you have any interests? Sports? Art? Dance? Cooking? Travel? Photography? History? Poetry? Reading? Learning? Film? Singing? Gardening? Bird Watching? Museums? Religion? Theater? All of these activities have classes, clubs and groups associated with them. Try to get involved in some of the activities that you already love, or have been interested to learn more about. Then, when you get there, don’t be shy (or if you have a problem with shyness or social anxiety, get some therapy or join an organization that can help you conquer that problem first) and then just start talking to people. It’s almost impossible to meet people and get to know them if you just sit there silently and hide in the corner. Nice men want to meet nice women that are friendly and outgoing and interesting. But you’ll never meet them if you don’t go where they actually are!

@stardust Yes totally, you try to be reason to them to talk, but they dismissed you and not to talk to you further.

@Kardamom I think you have some good points there. I start to insist to be friend first now. But to be honest, after a few dates if you both like each other, it is very normal to progress it is after that then they changed.

I don’t see meeting someone online and via hobbies make much difference to be honest. YOu can meet someone at a class equally want to have sex in the 1st date too.

I am talking about generally the guys nowadays are a bit coward and disrespectful to women in general.

I like barbeque, too.

Why are the rest of the responses bolded?

I think something in @Hypocrisy_Central‘s last response has triggered everything afterward to be bold. Your last post is bold (and wasn’t entered that way), and so was mine (and also not entered that way).

Reset, maybe?

@Londongirl I think you are really missing the point about meeting quality people in real life activities that are important to you rather than “meeting” people online. You say there isn’t much of a difference. That’s where you are dead wrong.

You don’t actually “meet” people online. You go on dating sites, hoping that people are who they say they are and then hope that you might end up with common interests, and then hope that you are compatible when you actually meet. Unfortunately, when you actually meet, you are on a date.

When you meet people in real life, especially if it’s within the context of an activity that you already love that’s important to you, you already know before you walk in the door to that class or group that those people share a common interest with you. Online, you have no idea whether “Bob B.” really likes watercolor painting or not, he might just tell you that he does, because you said that you like it. But Bob B. is not going to show up week after week to watercolor painting classes unless he’s interested in that kind of thing. Do you see the difference?

Also, just because 2 people are physically attracted to each other when they first meet, whether it’s on a date from an online dating site or at an event where you go because you enjoy the activities, that is not a good enough reason to immediately jump into a sexual relationship with anybody. Especially with your bad track record. It should take weeks and months of getting to know people before you even consider dating someone, and then you should date them for several months before you even consider sleeping with them. With online dating you are already dating them in the first second that you meet them. That’s very unwise.

I’m not trying to hurt your feelings, but it just seems like you have no interest in really going out there and doing things that interest you, that are important to you for their own sake. You want to have a deep serious boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with someone and you are looking in the wrong place, then you are jumping into bed with people before you really know them at all, and you are being used by men (from the online dating sites) who are simply trying you out.

For you to end up with a real relationship, you need to change your attitude, your scope of where you look for men, your ideas about what friendship really means (and why it’s extremely important) and to figure out how to read people better, and how to approach people (men mostly) in a way that doesn’t make you look like you are only interested in sex, and to be able to present yourself as a whole person with interests and intelligence and a real personality with experiences and a past and as a woman with wants and desires, and also as someone who doesn’t want to spend the rest of her life putting up with bullsh*t and kissing online toads.

If you really can’t see the difference between online dating sites and meeting real men in real life places where you know they have common interests with you, then you will just keep coming back onto Fluther and asking us why men keep sleeping with you and then don’t want to have anything to do with you shortly afterwards.

It seems like you want an easy solution. Actually the solution is fairly easy, I’ve just spelled it out to you in great detail, but the real solution involves spending some time (it’s not a quick fix) and it also involves you changing the way you live your life. It’s up to you if you want to change.

@Kardamom I take your points but taking several months before you have sex??? Come on is it possible?! Do guys wait that long? Surely, ask the guys here, I’m sure they will tell you the truth, it is not possible.

I honestly don’t think going to class meeting guys are different from online. I went to learn golf once and then met this guy then he asked me out for date and then we did, ended up he was after casual relationship after we dated for a while, so what is the different here?!

Your way of thinking is right but not in modern days, online dating is a way of meeting people not just meeting for sex. I did meet a couple of guys we ended up being friends, I mean when I needed to talk they were there for me, and we haven’t had sex. But this is very rare, and I’m lucky to have them. Most of the guys I’ve met online or offline, are pretty much the same, unreliable, a bit coward, and not that respect to women in general.

She’s exactly right, @Londongirl. You need to slow things down – a lot. You’re selling yourself short if you think “he won’t be interested in me unless I have sex with him”. Didn’t we get over that in the 1960s?

If you want to have sex early in a relationship, no one here is going to say that you’re bad for doing that or wanting that. But when what you do conflicts with what you say you really want… then we’ll tell you “you’re doing it wrong”.

@CWOTUS I know doggy! But how could you not have sex with someone for a few months when you both dating?! not possible really…

@Londongirl Are you serious?

People can and do delay having sex for weeks, months and even years. And I’m happy to report (by reading tons and tons of relationship threads on Fluther) that quite a few of them are young, college aged kids (the ones who you’d think would not be able to control themselves).

The reason that they can and do wait, is because they consider sex to be something special that should only be shared by people who are in comitted relationships by people that want to make a shared life together, that already have common interests and common life goals. These kids also do end up having sex before they are married (just like older people do), because being sexually compatible is very important too, so premarital sex is not bad, it’s one of the ways in which people discover if they want to spend the rest of their lives together.

It’s a myth that people (especially men) can’t control themselves. They can and do control themselves all the time. Otherwise they’d all be out there comitting adultery and raping every woman that came into site. There are some people (mostly men) who can’t control themselves, and you want to steer as clear of those people as you can.

If you can’t control yourself or you think that you can’t date men without jumping into the sack immediately, then you need to get some therapy to figure out why that’s the case and learn how to contol yourself and learn how to figure out what kind of men are willing and able to control themselves that truly want to have long term, loving, compatible relationships with you.

I’m not saying that having quick, meaningless sex is bad or wrong or sinful, I’m just saying that jumping into the sack without getting to know people through and through is really stupid if you truly want a long term meaningful relationship. And just because you took one golf class and hooked up with a loser, doesn’t mean that I am wrong about going where the good men (who share your interests and goals) are found.

Unless your only interest in life is reading online profiles of men then you will simply have a much harder time finding quality men that want the same things that you do. I’m not talking about getting you to “make up a hobby” and “take one class” I’m talking about actually living your life and doing the things that are important and meaningful to you throughout the course of your life. When you only go for online dating, your chances of meeting someone that is going to be your life partner (rather than just a quick sex partner) is about as likely as you picking a random man’s name out of the phone book and ringing him up.

It seems like you are as much to blame for this unfortunate dating situation as the men are. You need to know yourself and what you want, then go where those things and people can be found and don’t allow yourself to get into situations that will lead you nowhere (or simply lead you into the bed of some other man that you barely know, who will dump you the next day or after the 2nd date, because that is what has happened so far).

If you didn’t like the food at a particular restaurant, and you didn’t like the bad service that you got at that restaurant, and you thought the prices were too high, why would you even consider going back, over and over again?

[mod says] Coding error in @Hypocrisy_Central‘s post removed via internal edit.

Yes. Because everyone nowdays think they are the best and nobody around should dare to “bother” them.

@Londongirl

To think that “it’s not possible” to have an ongoing dating relationship without sex is just wrong. You can have that if you want that.

I have an idea that you’re sending mixed signals to some of these young men. For example, you say (you say to us, anyway) that you want a somewhat “traditional” relationship that doesn’t depend on sex, or at least not “easy and early” sex. Maybe you tell that to the boys you’re dating, too. That would be a good thing. But if you tell a guy “I’m not into casual sex; I want a real relationship first,” and then by the time of the second or third date you tell him or otherwise let him know (by having sex, for example) that “Well, you’ve seen my ‘traditional’ side, would you like to see all of my other sides now?”

If you had a boy that accepted you on your first terms: ‘traditional girl, wants respect and a committed relationship before sex’ and thought “that’s what I want, too!”, and then… you have sex with him just a few dates later, he may decide that you’re the one who is inconsistent, unreliable, dishonest and all the rest.

What you have to do – before your next date, your next boyfriend – is decide what it is that you want… and then hold out for that. Don’t give in and have sex with a boy because “sex is expected in this day and age”. Maybe it is among some, but you have to let your partners know that you value yourself, you keep your word and your promises (even to yourself) and you mean what you say, and then stick to that. If you’re only finding guys who expect sex very early in a relationship, then like @Kardamom says, you’re just going to the wrong place/s. “Traditional” boys are just as common as “traditional” girls, but if you had a traditional boy and then offered to have sex with him after just a couple of dates, then he’d dump you because “you’re not what he’s looking for”. He wants a girl who respects herself and respects him. You’re not acting like that girl.

@Hibernate I think that is it.. they think nobody should bother them and upset them so they just do what suit them and when the other party upset they blame them for overreacting.